I Did Something Bad

It’s a little after 3 AM when I walk into the bus. It’s all dark and silent, which is a good thing, because I don’t plan on having a conversation with Jack, and I certainly don’t want to have a conversation with Alex.

I wonder why I’m so angry at him. We are both to blame.

I walk to my bunk, and see Jack sleeping in there. He’s hugging my pillow and snoring softly. It makes me smile, everything Jack does makes me smile. And here I am, standing in front of him, holding a secret that will cause every reaction on him but a smile. It hurts me to know that I’ll be the one to hurt him. Never in the two years of our relationship had he hurt me, not like I was about to do, anyway. Sure, it was painful enough to stay in LA while he traveled the world for a few weeks, and of course it wasn’t easy staying home, seeing the pictures he posted on instagram with his female friends, who I always thought were prettier than me and more worthy of Jack than I was. I guess now that’s true. They wouldn’t have cheated on him, like I did.

My eyes stay glued to him. I don’t want to climb in with him, he’ll probably wake up and ask me where I’ve been, or why I left in the first place. He’s always worried, like he has to protect me. I can’t get in bed with him right now, so I go to the kitchen. I need a drink.

There are two empty bottles of beer on the counter where Alex and I made the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. I stare at the counter for a moment, unconsciously and involuntarily replaying the scene in my head and how I felt under Alex’s touch. I shake my head as soon as I catch myself, I try to hold back the tears that threaten to wet my face for the second time tonight.

I try to be as silent as I can as I take a beer out of the fridge. It probably isn’t a good idea to drink right now, all I can think about as I sip on that beer is what happened on that very counter I was leaning on. I leave the unfinished drink on that same counter and walk back to my bunk. Jack’s still there, in the same position I saw him when I got here.

How can I sleep in the same bed as him after what I did? I don’t want to, I feel dirty. But if I sleep somewhere else he’ll know something’s up and I don’t even know yet what I’ll tell him.

The truth would be a good place to start, I guess.

I take a deep breath, trying to be as quiet as I can, and I climb inside the bunk, slowly pushing my body closer to Jack’s. He groans softly and shifts on the bed, his hands let go of my pillow and fall over me instead.

I feel safe. I shouldn’t, but I do. Jack’s arms have that power over me. I could be having the worst day every, and just a tight hug from him can make me forget everything that troubled my mind. It’s the same now, I know I fucked up pretty bad, and it’s killing me inside, but his loose embrace and warm touch are soothing.

He’s sleeping, and even now I can’t look at his face without feeling guilty. I put my arm around his waist and minimize the distance between us, taking in his scent, trying to enjoy that moment, knowing it will probably be the last time I get to hold him like this if I confess.

There’s also the possibility that he’ll forgive me, right? Maybe, but I doubt it. I know Jack, and I know he’s a proud guy. He won’t get back with someone who betrayed his trust like I did. This thoughts are making my head ache intensely, so I let my head fall on the same pillow Jack’s head is laying on.

I wake up abruptly, some stupid nightmare had managed to startle me. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to explain what my nightmare was about. I take a look at my phone, the screen is too bright but I manage to see it’s almost 10 AM.

Jack is still sleeping. The vague smell of alcohol reaches my nostrils with every breath he takes. God, he’s so perfect. Even when he’s drunk he’s perfect, even when he’s hungover he’s perfect. Everything about him makes my heart sing, why did I go around looking for something that I had already found on him?

It somehow becomes unbearable to look at him in the face, so I decide to leave. I walk to the kitchen and decide to fix myself some coffee.

“Hey,” Alex’s low voice makes me turn around as I wait for my coffee to be ready. I don’t answer, I just look at him. He walks closer to me, he doesn’t look as confident and straightforward as he did last night. “Have you packed ye-”

“You said you wanted to talk,” I cut him off abruptly, I don’t have time for small talk.

He nodded and kept his gaze down.

“Yeah, I do,” he keeps nodding. “Listen, I… I’m sorry about… that.”

He seems to be struggling with words.

“Me too,” I mumble, but I don’t know if he can hear me. I am sorry, I just don’t think Alex is the one I should be saying it to. “We have to tell him.”

That takes him by surprise, it took me by surprise too, I didn’t know I had made up my mind overnight. His gaze shoots up and he looks at me like I have grown another head.

“Are you serious?” He asks, and I answer with a nod, somehow confident with the decision I came up with all of a sudden. “Vi, we can’t.”

He whispers, but still manages to emphasize the last word.

“Why not?” I whisper, too.

“Vi, I cheated too,” he says, and it hits me. It’s true, I was so focused on my own problem that I totally forgot about Lisa.

As much as I like and care about Lisa, I stick to my decision of telling Jack the truth.

“I can’t do this to him, Alex. I have to tell him,” my voice cracks a little. “I love him, and he loves me.”

“So what?” He snaps, but still keeps his volume low. “Why do you have to tell him?”

“Because we’re in a relationship?” I reply, assuming the answer was obvious. “I can’t be dishonest with him when I know he has been nothing but honest with me!”

“Oh, is that so?” Alex laughs bitterly. It confuses me, but most importantly, it hurts me. Does he know something I don’t?

“What do you mean?” I frown, waiting for his answer.

“You know Jack, don’t you?” He’s being condescending. “He’s a player, dude! He’s always horny and quickly bored with whoever he’s dating at the moment! It’s very likely that he’s already cheated on you, you know? Repeatedly.”

I try to dismiss that thought by shaking my head, but it actually makes sense. I do know Jack, and what Alex is saying makes me think. I shake my head again. That can’t be true, Jack has told me things he’s never told anyone, not even Alex, and we’ve made promises he’s never made with anyone else. But Alex is his best friend and has known Jack for longer than I have, so the thought lingers in my head.

“Whatever,” I shake my head. “I’m gonna tell him when he wakes up.”

“You can’t do it!” Alex yells as he grabs my shoulders strongly.

I look at him with wide eyes, not only because he scared me, but also because we were supposed to be quiet so no one could hear us discussing this very delicate topic.

“Why not?” I confront him once my heart rate stabilizes.

“It’s not only your secret to tell,” he lowers his voice.

I understand what he’s saying, and I can agree with it on some level, but still.

“What we did was wrong, Alex,” I tell him calmly and sincerely.

“I know,” he lets go of me. “I know, but Jack’s my best friend, I can’t… I can’t risk losing him.”

“Well, yeah! Me neither, idiot!” It was my turn to raise my voice. I regret it as soon as I notice, but I had to say something to that comment he just made. I can’t risk losing Jack, either! What I have with him was real, it was good, it was stronger than anything I’d ever felt before.

“And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t tell him,” he keeps on trying to convince me, and he’s not doing a terrible job at it. However, I shake my head at my own thoughts. Was Alex right? Not telling Jack is the best option to guarantee that we stayed together?

“I have to,” I mumble, unsure.

“No, you don’t!”

Suddenly, Zack walks into the kitchen. I freeze and only stare at him intently, I think Alex does the same because I can’t see him moving at all.

“Hey, guys,” he smiles. That smile. Now that I made my choice, I’ll have to get used to not seeing that warm smile Zack always has for a friend.

When Jack and I had our first big fight, Zack was the one to console me and help me fix things with Jack, because according to him he had ‘never seen Jack so in love before’, and ‘wanted nothing but the best for his friend’. I’m going to hell.

“Hey,” I say back with a crooked smile.

“Ooh, I smell coffee,” Zack rubs his hands together as he walks towards us.

“Oh, yeah,” I suddenly remember. I totally forgot about the damn coffee.

“How was the party last night?” Alex asks, like everything’s normal. I get it, we should be acting normal for now, but it just amazes me how he can do it so naturally.

“Amazing,” he replies with a huge smile. If I had only suck it up and gone to that amazing party, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

“Yeah? You look like you had some fun,” Alex laughs, looking at Zack’s appearance. He is indeed a mess, his hair is all disheveled and the clothes he’s wearing, which I assume he was wearing last night, are all dirty.

“So much fun,” Zack answers as he pours some coffee on a mug. He takes a sip of his coffee, and then he points the mug at me. “Jack didn’t, though.”

I feel Alex’s eyes on me, so I look at him. Does it seem suspicious to Zack? Maybe. I take my eyes back to Zack.

“Why- What do you mean?” My question came out in a stutter. Shit.

“He spent almost the entire night wondering how you were feeling,” Zack takes another sip of coffee.

“Aw,” Alex says, in an almost unnoticeable sarcastic tone, but I do notice. “That’s so sweet, Vi. Wouldn’t you want something like that forever?”

“I certainly wish I’d have something like that,” Zack nods at Alex’s question, that was evidently directed at me.

“Me too,” Alex nods as well.

“Well, you have Lisa,” Zack reminds him, and I’m glad they’re talking to each other so I don’t have to speak. There’s a lump in my throat. Why is Alex making me question my decision? What if telling Jack isn’t the right thing to do?

“Yeah, I have Lisa,” Alex leans on the counter and crosses his arms over his chest, he has a huge smile on his face. “And Violet, here, has Jack!”

“Right,” Zack chuckles. I want to punch Alex right in the face, he’s being too obvious. But Zack doesn’t seem to notice. Maybe it’s only obvious to me because I know what we’ve done. Fuck, my hands are sweating. “Ah, I think I’m gonna take a shower. Rian spilled beer all over me last night and I feel all sticky.”

“Sure,” I mumble. Zack leaving makes me relieved, but also nervous. I still have to carry on this conversation with Alex.

“Look,” I say, rubbing my temple with my right hand. “I’ll tell Jack.”

Alex tries to object, but I continue before he can say a thing. “I just won’t tell him it was with… you.”

He’s thinking about it. He rubs his stubble and nods as his mind studies the idea.

“Sounds good,” he finally agrees, and nodding, thinking about it. “You promise not to tell?”

“Yeah,” I say, a little disappointed. A small part of me was hoping he would want to take the blame with me, but I was alone in this now.

Alex walks away without saying another word.

I look down at my feet as my mind takes me back to the things Alex told me earlier. Had Jack really cheated on me? Alex had no proof, he didn’t even tell me that Jack had told him anything like that. He just wanted to convince me to keep quiet about something we both did. Right?

I jump a little as I feel a pair of arms pulling me into an embrace from behind. I was so deep in thought that I would’ve sworn it was Alex, just because I was thinking about him a second ago, but the scent of this body was unique.

“I went to bed without you, and I woke up without you,” he mutters in my ear with a raspy voice. His voice always sends a pleasant shiver down my spine, but this time it makes my skin crawl. I feel my blood run cold, I don’t feel okay inside his arms anymore. The guilt is eating me alive. “How are you gonna make it up to me?”

This is it. He’s up now, so that means I have to tell him. My mouth twitches as I want to speak, but something inside of me if forcing me to be quiet. This will only make things worse, being all shaky and nervous.

I remember Alex a while back, playing it cool with Zack. I take a deep breath and decide to do the same, keep the secret for a while longer.

I turn around and wrap my arms around him as well. He’s smiling down at me, and I feel like someone’s stabbing me in the stomach. I’m gonna be the destroyer of that smile. That beautiful smile.

Jack leans down and kisses me. His lips are chapped and dry, and his breath still tastes like beer, but I don’t want him to stop. If only this moment could last forever.

“Okay, okay! That’s enough! We gotta be at the airport by 1, and I’m pretty sure none of you punks has packed yet,” Rian bursts in, which makes Jack pull away to turn to look at him. I already miss his kiss, I wouldn’t have pulled away.

“Let’s pack!” Jack throws his arms in the air and goes back to the bunks. How is he so pumped about packing? Weird, he’s always so lazy.

“Why are you so excited about packing?” I ask as I see him throwing his clothes randomly in his suitcase.

“I just wanna go home,” he shrugs and keeps doing his thing.

Oh, right. We live together back in LA, he asked me to move in with him about six months ago. Which makes it a hundred times harder to do this. Where should I break Jack’s heart? At the bus? The airport? Or at the home we share?

Either sounds equally shitty.

Fuck my life.

Notes

hello again! This was chapter three, hope you enjoy :) I don't know when I'll be posting the next chapter because I'll be going on a trip to NYC this week (i don't live in the USA, it's an international flight so it's a big deal for me haha). I don't know if this is looking boring at the moment, but I promise shit will hit the fan soon :)

THANKS FOR READING!