Shaken and Tried

My spring break didn't exactly go as planed I guess you could say. I was expecting at least three blow jobs and a lot of sex and some cuddling and movies and pancakes in the morning but instead I find myself curled under my blankets with the air around my back missing one very important person missing in it and a shitty movie I don't even like playing on my TV. I think the tears stopped for the most part two days after he walked out my door and now its just numb. I don't know which I like better. I still cry on occasion but it's not a constant sob just a trickle down my cheek. My music has been playing on loop with beauties like I Miss You by Blink 182 and Like We Used To by Rocket to the Moon which made me cry even before he left. It's even worse because now I have nothing that makes me really happy. He always had a way of making me smile just by looking at me. He didn't cure me, he didn't fix me. He couldn't show up and kiss my scars and make me feel all better. Our relationship wasn't 'tragically beautiful' it was just tragic. There's nothing beautiful about what we do to ourselves. He wasn't my hero, just a bystander as I tried to fix myself. But he helped. I spend a lot of time thinking about him. I wonder how upset he is compared to me. I guess he can't be too upset, he's the one who left me. Anyway, long story short my entire spring break has so far been spent in bed with the company of shitty movies and sad music. Rian and Zack both texted me several times asking how I was and if I wanted to hang out but I neglected to actually answer them until Wednesday afternoon when I finally pulled my self out of my make-shift nest to take a shower and eat. In all actuality I was starting to disgust myself, and I was starving considering all I ate since that day was a bag of chips and some fruit snacks. Needless to say my best friends were endlessly sympathetic when they heard the news and respected that I wanted to be alone. My mom on the other hand wasn't quiet as understanding as them and checked on me once an hour to make sure I have mutilated and/or murdered my self yet. In answer, no I haven't cut myself since he left, surprising, I know. I would but I'm to tired to clean it up and plus cutting yourself over a boy is so cliche.


Now, it's Sunday and oh god I don't want to go back to school. I'm currently laying in my bed on my back with my acoustic on my stomach, strumming the chords to I Miss You and letting silent tears roll onto my sheets. I guess I should pull myself together, ya' know take a shower, do some homework or maybe even just change into a different pair of sweat pants, but I'm not. No I much rather lay here and wallow in my own self pity than actually move, so here's where I stay. In a whim I switch the song to one I wrote a few days after he left, I haven't exactly gotten the chords down so I just start strumming. I like it though so I keep going and decide to sing, my voice breaks at first but eventually it soothes, letting the lyrics flow out of my throat and fill the room.


Inquisitive and thoughtful,
He was the challenge he'd been waiting for
A reminder that creativity runs deep, like secrets
Dark eyed dreamers – they were a dangerous pair
"Q" next to "U", scribbled out on paper

They stop
They go
They're done

Go back to the place we knew before
Retrace our steps to the basement door
I'll ask you if the rain still makes you smile
Like so much time that we spent in the fall
Put color in our cheeks while the air turned cold
Preceding what became our bitter end

Round in circles - let's start over
Round in circles - let's start over

Unanswered questions
Would be the only thing to stop us now
I was the poet, while he was the muse
I had a pen that he knew how to use
A touch of redemption, a hint of elation
A recipe for disaster

Go back to the place we knew before
Retrace our steps to the basement door
I'll ask you if the rain still makes you smile
Like so much time that we spent in the fall
Put color in our cheeks while the air turned cold
Preceding what became our bitter end

Let this be a lesson to us all

Round in circles - let's start over
Round in circles - let's start over
( A/N some lyrics are changed to fit the story better oops)


By the end of the song the tears are no longer silent or soft but instead I'm sobbing, barely able to end the song as a scream rips out of my throat before falling on to the pillow I've shoved my face into. My whole body shakes and I let my guitar fall to the floor as everything crumbles around me once again. I thought things were supposed to get better every day after someone left, but it's not. Each day that he's gone just seems worse and worse. I need him by my side. I need to feel his warmth radiating through the sheets and on to my back but he's gone, and he's not coming back. The sobs shake my body as gasps leave my raw throat. I need him back. I hear a knock on my door though my pathetic noises.


“Go away!” I scream/sob into my pillow as I pull my sheets into a ball and bite down on them trying to muffle my sounds if only slightly.


“Alex honey are you okay,” my mother speaks calmly though the wood of my bedroom door.


“I'm fucking fantastic!” I yell back, not at all having a level head.


“Alex please don't do anything you wouldn't want Jack to do,” she tries to sooth me again but instead I find my self furious, suddenly out of bed and ripping the door open.


“Don't you dare say his name,” I scold in my mother's face, sobs still shaking though my body as I stare her down until she becomes to blurred by tears for me to see.


“Just, just uh, take care of yourself okay?” she whimpers lightly and I begin to feel bad for yelling at her.


“I'm s-sorry,” I gasp out after a minute of staring her down, before falling into a heap on the floor in front of her. My mother seems flustered for a second, not used to dealing with other peoples emotions, before she's crouched next to me, rubbing my back a cooing lightly, “W-why shouldn't I?” I whisper after a few minutes, looking up at my mother through my wet eye lashes with a jutted lip and creased brow.


“Why shouldn't you what honey,” she asks, still rubbing my back.


“Why shouldn't I do what I don't want him to, he wouldn't care, he left me.”


“Alex I know you know that isn't true. J- he, cares about you and you know he does,” my mother reassures me.


I just nod my head, partially because I don't have the energy to answer and partially because I know she might be right. I sit for a few minutes before rising to my shaky legs and wiping my nose with the back of my hand, “I-I'm gonna go get in the shower, I promise I won't do anything stupid,” I mumble and shuffle to the bathroom. I keep my word, simply scrubbing my hair and body before sinking down on the shower floor, letting the warm water rush over me, no longer sure what are tears and what is simply the water rushing from the tap. I knot my fingers in my wet tangled hair and squeeze my eyes shut. I don't know how long I sit there curled up under the warm stream before I turn off the tap and struggle my way into a pair of pajama pants. I fall on to my bed face first into my mattress not bothering to even dry my hair or put on a shirt before silently crying into my pillow and falling asleep dreading tomorrow.


**


When the piercing ring of my alarm clock bursts it's way though the still air of my room I'm actually thankful. I was having a dream that just played him telling me he didn't love me over and over and over and- I shake my head rapidly to rid my mind of the night and glance around my room. The thankfulness almost completely washes away when I see the still dark sky through my window and the numbers shinning proudly on the top of my lock screen. 6:00 am. School. Him. I don't want to go but I know that I have to, so after at least 10 minutes of staring at my window I pull myself out of bed and flip on the light switch by my door before shuffling my way over to the long mirror on the wall. I grimace at the pure sight of myself. My hair is probably the number one issue, in it's natural wavy state and sticking up in every direction fathomable, but it's definitely not the only issue. My skin is red and blotched and eyes surrounded in a deep purple. My chin is unshaven and I have broken out in acne from not washing my face for several nights in a row. I have to look down at the carpet to avoid myself. No wonder he left me I'm fucking hideous. I shake my head for what seems like the hundredth this week and grab my straightener, pulling it though my hair dejectedly. I give up about half way though, just letting the dark wavy pieces sit how they please and move on to my face. I definitely don't give enough shits to shave so I just wash my face so it's not greasy before pulling on a pair of clean-ish sweats and a Ramones t-shirt. I think about putting on a jacket to cover the two thick scars spreading up each arm but decide fuck it, I'm sure no one cares enough to notice. I swipe on some deodorant and pull on my vans before finally making my way downstairs to wait at the door for Rian. Today is seriously going to suck ass.

Notes

okay so i know i've been gone a really long time and this is really shity and im really sorry and if you read my story Will You Be There to Carry (Her) Home you've already heard this but basically I really don't have a excuse for being so shit at updating I've just been so exhausted lately and so drained of all of my energy and motivation. I get home from school and all i have the motivation to do is lay there and not do anything let alone write. Then night comes a long and i can't fall asleep for like 3 hours and its just a vicious cycle but I'm trying really hard to get better i promise. I love you guys lots and comments and votes are a huge motivator as well. Also i just saw that we have almost 20,000 views that's fucking insane thank you guys. I love you all :*


(unimportant side note, i saw all time low live for the first time last night with man overboard and handguns and it was the most amazing experience i have ever had, i wish i could gush all about it but imma keep this short. Basically they're live shows are to die for, if you ever have the chance to go, take it. All of their personalities really show and they were so so good. Anyway yeah thats all)