Shaken and Tried

You know that feeling you get at concerts? The one wear the music just fills your entire body. You don't feel anything but the beat of the drums in place of your heart and the vibrations in your bones. It's like every emotion in your body is wiped away and replaced with pure happiness. That's my favorite feeling. That's how I feel when I see him, or I guess I should say that's how I felt. But now when I see him down the hall from me, fiddling with his locker dial it's like something is off. The guitar is out of tune or drummer counted out the beat wrong. And it hurts. Pure pain just rocketing from my chest and I think I might collapse. He looks up from the spinning numbers and makes eye contact with me down the hall. He looks like shit. Not that I could ever see him as anything but absolutely beautiful, but he looks half dead. His cheeks are blotched and red and his eyes are circled in deep blue. The blonde streaked hair that he would never let go un-styled is sticking up in every direction behind his head. His legs are clad in gray sweats almost identical to my black ones. It physically hurts to look at him as tears pool at the edge of his beautiful lashes, so I tear my eyes away and stare at the grimy tiles below me willing my own tears to retreat back into my eyes. I feel a hand lightly rub my back and I look up to see Rian smiling sadly at me.


“Come on dude lets get to class,” he says lightly pushing me down the hall way and past Him.

**


The first three hours of my school day are spent wondering and worrying and waiting. It's like calculus can't come fast enough but is going to be here way too soon. I'm terrified to say the least. Me and him sit right next to each and there is absolutely no avoiding confrontation. I'm assuming that neither of us will talk to the other, and I hate awkward silences. As the bell rings through the room I groan to myself and slowly push out of my desk, feet barely shuffling their way to the door. Not two minutes later I'm slowly walking though the door of Ms Snyder's math class and making my way to my desk. He has yet to arrive. I tear my eyes away from the empty desk where I first met Jack and pull my supplies out of my torn up bag, hoping to delay the inevitable. Just as I look up again, skunk hair is making it's way around the door frame. He's barely shuffling his feet again and it seems to take forever for his limp body to slink down in the desk next to me. He refuses to make eye contact with me, seemingly perplexed with the poorly drawn doodles on the wood desk top. I keep looking at him, unable to tear my eyes away from the patch of blonde in his fringe, black roots growing in at the top, again something he would never let happen before. He lifts his head just barely enough to make eye contact with me. Before we both snap our heads back down I get a good look. They're dead, like no emotion can reach the deep chocolate orbs. It makes me want to throw up. He's always had emotion in them. Even before I knew him and he was still the lost teenage boy I know is still there. His eyes would spark with life no mater how sad that life might be. It didn't matter if he was depressed, at least it was emotion. But now it's empty, pure nothingness looking back at me and I'm sure I might throw up. My stomach drops to the floor and chest tightens around itself. I clutch on to the side of my desk and breathe deeply, praying to god I don't eject what ever may be left in my stomach on to my notebook. I feel his dead eyes pounding into my temple so I flick mine over to meet them for just a second and see something that steadies my breathing if only a little bit. Emotion. Concern fills his features and I just look down again, busying my self with doodles on the paper in front of me and ignoring what ever my teacher is saying. By the end of class my page is filled with little drawings of people, flowers and depressing lyrics. It's only when the bell rings that I think about lunch, which is coming up in approximately 6 minutes. I always sit next to him, half on his lap, but I can only assume that today will be different. We walk awkwardly across the hall from each other before reaching the lunch room. Neither of us get food and my question is answered when he sits at the same table as before, just on the other end with Jenna and Matt and some other acquaintances. The entire period is spent sneaking glances and making awkward eye contact while trying to hold back tears.


**

The day is painful and to say I collapse on to my bed when I get home would almost be a understatement. I just want to melt into my sheets and never think again, better yet never breathing again. To my despair however my bed is indeed solid and my lungs keep letting air in. I just lay there twirling my sheets in my fingers as I hear small sprinkles hit my window outside, seeming to mock my own emotions. I don't even know I'm crying again until I feel the warm water on the bridge of my nose and watch it pool up on the pale white sheets before they're absorbed. I watch them go for a while, pool and absorb, pool and absorb, until I here a barely there knock coming from downstairs. No one else is home so I know that if it's going to be answered it's going to have to be me. I lay for a second longer, thinking that it's probably just some salesman but something pulls me towards it, a just in case ringing in my mind. I pull myself up and wipe under my eyes with the back of my hand before trudging down the stairs. I tug the door open and lift my eyes from the ground only to have them blown wide at who's standing in front of me. It's him. My skunk haired love that tore out my heart a threw it on the floor. Water is streaking down his cheeks and the only thing to tell me that it's not just the rain is his trembling pink lip and wide doe eyes.


He sniffs and pulls his hoodie closer to his body before speaking, “I-I'm s-so sorry A-Alex,” his voice cracks on the end and the tears fall off his lashes at and even faster rate as a sob leaves his throat and he lifts his hoodie-covered hand to his mouth. It tears my heart out to see him like this but I can't seem to move, so I just stare at him with my mouth barely open and fingers still of the door handle, “I-I swear I d-didn't mean anything I said, you're not pathetic or w-weak you're s-so strong and you're beautiful and I love you s-so much Alex, p-please forgive me,” Jack is a stuttering mess as he finally pushes words out of his throat again and I start to come back to my senses, but not enough to form words, just enough to move my mouth open and closed again like a fucking fish. I'm completely torn on what to say, I know Jack is telling the truth, and he walked all the way here in the rain to tell me he was sorry, but why did he leave me in the first place? He put me through absolute hell and back, but now he's here to fix it, so should I let him? “P-please say something Alex, I n-need you to tell me s-something. I n-need you to forgive me,” my brain finally makes up it's mind at those words, deciding to focus on all the late night cuddles and movie marathons, all the times he told me I was beautiful and all the times he made me laugh instead of the past week, and I reach out to pull Jack into my body.


“It's okay, I forgive you,” I breathe out, tears stroking down my face again and small sobs leaving my throat. My mind can't really process what's happening and I'm almost convinced that this is all a dream. He's back. Jack is back. I'm holding him again, he still loves me, “I d-didn't mean anything I said either I love you so, so much Jack Barakat, I was lost without you,” I speaking in a surprisingly steady tone, still not sure if everything is real.


“I love you too Alex,” Jack says again and pulls away to look in my eyes. His shine back at me with emotion springing in them, love, adoration everything that was missing not 5 hours ago. Jack places his lips softly to mine for a brief kiss, full of total love, and I never want it to end, “I'll never leave you again,” he whispers into my hair after he pulls away.


And he never did.

Notes

omg it's over. guys it's over. I am going to cry. I love you all so much omg.
I can't deal with this. Im so sad.

Thank you all so so much for being here all this time and reading and commenting and voting I love all of you and it's so biter-sweet to be ending my first ever fan fiction but all of you have made this such a great experience i love you guys so much, never forget it.

~~~~I need your guys help tho its v important!!!!!~~~~

I am either going to do a sequel or and epilogue and i NEED you guys to comment down below for which you want. If i get no comments i won't be doing either!!! Also if you vote for sequel tell me whether you want it to be touring Jalex or not, and feel free to leave any suggestions for it too. I love you all so so much.