Shaken and Tried

To say I was excited for spring break is probably an understatement. I didn't have any big plans but lets just say, sleep is a beautiful thing, not to mention all the time I would get to spend with my beyond amazing boyfriend. So when the bell rang that Friday I practically ran out of my class room with a massive smile on my face, beat Jack to his locker and pushed him into it, shamelessly making out in the hall way.


I guess things didn't really go as planed because now I'm screaming and he's screaming and it's like he doesn't love me anymore, or maybe he never did. I don't know what started it, something petty I'm sure but after seven months of overly-smooth sailing everything just exploded in a wave of anger and distress, built up emotions all coming out of broken flood gates. My hands are shaking and face bright red as I spit out things I don't even mean. Jack's the same way but I don't know if he means it or not, so I can only assume he does.


“You're so pathetic Alex, you know that!? All you ever do is cry! Your life isn't that hard!”


I'm a little taken aback by that but I continue any way, “Oh I'm pathetic really? I'm depressed Jack! I can't exactly help it.”


“All you ever think about is yourself, I have problems to Alex, you aren't the only one!” I'm realizing now that he's right, nothing he's saying isn't a lie by any means.


“I was always there when you needed me! If I wasn't that's because you didn't tell me you needed me. I don't exactly have a magic Jack sensor that tells me every time your sad!” I scream back, thankful that my parents aren't home or we might be in some serious trouble.


“Maybe because I know you have problems too! Maybe I didn't want to bother you! But of course you would never have the courtesy to worry about me in a time like that.”


“If I came to you every time I was sad I would always be next to you but I'm not, am I? Do you know how hard it is for me to cry in front of people?! Do you know how guilty I felt every time I did it?! I thought I had finally found someone that I can confide but I guess I was wrong. If you hate me so much how about you get the fuck out of my house!”


“Fine! We're over!” he thunders, slamming my bedroom door behind him. I hear each stomping step he takes down the stairs as my world crumbles around me.


We're over. That's it. Seven months of almost happiness, gone in the blink of an eye. I just stand there in the middle of my room, mouth open and hands shaking, not even crying yet, just blinking and letting every thing sink in. I don't really know what to do, so I just stand there. My heart is pumping my blood through my veins and my lungs are taking air in and out but it doesn't feel like I'm living, just surviving, but I guess that's how its always been. It's just different now. Everything around me is a shade of gray, all melting into each other and pooling up around me.


My heart beats more erratic each time and I feel like a hole has just been blasted in to my chest. Suddenly my knees are hitting the floor and hands gripping my hair as a sob rips its way out of my throat. He's gone just like that. Like I didn't even mater, none of this mattered. I wonder what he's doing now, I wonder if he's crying or if he's just going through his life just as usual. Jack had become my rock, my anchor, in these past seven months and now he's just gone. I sob again, rolling onto my side on the floor. I hear a scream roll though the air around me and slowly realize it came from my own mouth. I don't even make a move to my bed, I just lay on the rough carpet of my floor, letting it rub my cheek and surely make my skin red and uneven. I lay on the floor for I don't know how long, tears running down my cheeks and on to my neck. Not soon enough the sobs stop coming but the tears continue as I try to catch my breath. I wonder how pathetic I'm being on a scale from one to ten. My first love just left me, sure, but it happens to everyone, this isn't something that should destroy me, is it? I decide to give myself an eight as I continue to shake. Eventually I hear the garage door open, shaking the whole house lightly, meaning my parents have finally made their way home. I pull myself into my bed on quivering legs, taking all the energy I have left, I collapse under the sheets and shove my face into my pillow.


“Alex, were home!” my mother calls from downstairs.


I try to answer but my throat is blocked, so I cough a few times, “Okay,” my voice is shaking and stuffy. To put it simply you can tell I've been sobbing. I hope my mother can't tell but soon her not-so-light-footed steps are coming up the stairs.


Her knuckles rap lightly on the door, “Is Jack still here? Can I come in?” I let her come in because there's no point in talking though the door.


“Oh honey, what happened?” she asks, sitting on the bed next to me. Her dry fingers push my hair of my sticky face while the other hand falls on to my shoulder. I'm not sobbing anymore, just letting silent tears roll down my face as I stare blankly at the mirror on my bedside table.


“Jack left me, I don't want to talk about it” I talk barely above a whisper, not trusting my voice to go any louder.

“Oh Alex, I'm so sorry,” she says, voice full of worry and she continues to pat my hair.


“Thanks mom, b-but can you, can you go away,” I stutter, knowing I'm about to sob again.


“I know you don't like to cry in front of people, but when your ready to talk about it, I'm here. I love you baby boy,” she speaks lovingly and leaves with a kiss to my temple.


I push my face into my pillow again and scream. Its really over.

Notes

I'm sorry