Breaking the Silence.

I sat on my running motorcycle outside of my therapist’s office for a good twenty minutes debating just turning around and leaving. I was less mad at Alex now because I know that he’s right and I should see her while we’re home. But by less mad I mean I’m still mad I’m just not pissed. I shut the bike off and walked into the building, I got into the elevator and pressed the floor six button, I pulled my helmet off as it started moving.
When it came to a stop I exited it and walked up to the check in desk, the lady looked at me and smiled.
“Is she expecting you Sam?” She asked
I nodded and she motioned me to sit in the waiting room while she went and told her that I was here. Not even two minutes went by before she came out to get me. She gave me her polite smile and we walked back to her office.
“I didn’t think you’d get here so soon Sam.” She said
“I wasn’t aware that you were contacted.” I said
“What a beautiful thing to hear. So this is new.” She said
I nodded.
“I’m really happy that you came in, tell me what you’ve been up to.” She said
“I’m on tour with them, the label hired me as the ASL translator.” I said
“How is that?” She asked
“It’s a rush, a good rush. I love it. But I know Alex emailed you about today.” I said
“He said you had a PTSD moment, wanna tell me about it?” She asked
“I went back to Summit today, I figured it would be a good step in the healing process.” I said
“It is a good step but only if you were ready to take it.” She said
“I thought I was, I was there for over an hour before the episode happened.” I said
“That’s really good Sam. Do you think you’d be able to go back again?” She asked
“Maybe when we get back from tour it could be possible.” I said
“You just need to remember that it’s a safe place, the people there will protect you. He’s in jail and he’s not going to find you.” She said
I nodded
“So tell me more about tour.” She said
“It’s so fun, I’m having the time of my life. Being on stage with the people I love there’s just nothing like it.” I said
She just smiled at me.
“I’m also singing again, I was in the studio booth with Jack today.” I said
“Good! That’s great Sam.” She said
I just gave her a smile.
“How are you doing?” She asked
“Ups and downs. Tour has been a good distraction.” I said
“Well don’t hide behind distractions okay? We all need a good one but we all also need to face the issues we have.” She said
“I know, I’m taking steps right? I’m speaking the silence is broken, I’m not hiding around the house anymore, I stand on a stage in front of hundreds to thousands of people.” I said
“Yes, these are all steps that you need to take to heal the inner wounds.” She said
“I think that’s the therapistiest thing you’ve said since I’ve been coming to see you.” I said
“That’s not a word.” She laughed.
I just gave her a chuckle and she just looked at me.
“You look happier.” She said
“I feel happy, this new life I have. I’m learning to appreciate that I didn’t die on the floor of Summit.” I said
“That’s a great step too Sam.” She said
“Thank you.” I said
“Well Sam, when you get back from the rest of the tour come see me again. I’m going to want hear all about it.” She said
“I will.” I said
“Are you still mad at Alex?” She asked
“How did you know?” I asked
“I just did. I think he did the right thing my contacting me.” She said
“I don’t disagree but he should not have done it without me knowing. That is why I am mad.” I said
“You have the right to be mad about it but you’ll have to forgive him, he thought he was doing the right thing.” She said
I just nodded.
“I’ll see you when you get back.” She smiled standing up.
I nodded and walked out of the office and back down to my bike.
I pulled the helmet on and left the parking lot to get some food and go home. I stopped at the nearest fast food place and scarfed down my burger and headed home. When I got there Alex was sitting on the front porch waiting on me, when he heard the bike he looked up from his phone and stared. I parked and pulled my helmet off, I lit a cigarette and he walked over to me, I looked over at him and he gave me a smile; which I didn’t return.
“I know you’re mad.” He said
“I am.” I signed.
“No, no. Do not sign at me Sam.” He said
“Let me be mad, come check in in an hour.” I signed.
“Sami.” He almost begged.
“Come check on me in an hour.” I signed at him.
I dismounted the bike and stubbed out the cigarette and walked into the house. I walked straight to my room and flopped down on the bed; shoes and all. I pulled my phone out and texted Jack.
To: Jackie
Hey can you text me the file for what you recorded today?
From: Jackie
yeah, are you ok? Alex says you’re mad
To: Jackie
I am mad but I’ll calm down. Just send me the file.
I laid there and waited, when my phone chimed a downloaded it and put my headphones in, I listened to it over and over again trying to see if there was anything I could do to make myself sound like I used to. But the more I listened to it the more I like the raspy new sound. It wasn’t a lot of rasp just like the smallest amount.
A while passed and the bedroom door opened, I pulled out a headphone and looked over at Alex.
“It’s been a hour, are you still mad?” he asked
“No.” I said “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I shouldn’t have went behind your back.” He said
“That’s right.” I laughed
“I just want to help in any way I can.” He said
“Al, you being around helps okay? Don’t email my therapist.” I said
“Never again.” He said
“But thank you. I really did need to talk to her.” I said
He nodded like he knew I was going to thank him, I patted the bed and he sat down next to me.
“I can’t wait to get back on tour.” I said
“I’m excited, I like having you on stage with us.” He said
“I like being there. Do you think they would keep me for next tour?” I asked
“Probably as long as nothing is tying you to home.” He said
“Like what?” I asked
“Illness, family death.” He said
“Children?” I asked
“They would come on tour with us silly.” He said
“Oh they would?” I asked
“Well duh. I would want them to be able to experience it whenever they want. it would be up to them when they’re older to decide if they want to come but our kids will be awesome so I’m sure they would.” He said
“Our children?” He asked
“When the times comes yeah.” He said
I just smiled up at this man, this man that I loved so much.
“Our children.” I muttered.
“Yes Sam our children.” He laughed.

Notes