I Did Something Bad
I'm Gone.
Violet's POV
It dark outside now, and I have no idea where I’m going. The sky, the trees, the pavement, it all seems alien to me right now. I stand still at the driveway, a part of me is sort of hoping that Jack will come outside, with his usual smile and warm eyes, and tell me that everything will be like it used to. I don't think that's going to happen, but I still stand there for longer than I should have.
I start walking at last, but with no specific destination in mind. I feel terrible. It was my decision to leave, but I couldn’t stay there anymore, so I had no choice.
Walking out at night, suitcase in hand, puffy red eyes from crying, I feel exposed. Everyone’s gonna see me and know what happened, or make their own assumptions.
I want to throw up.
Maybe calling a cab would be better than walking aimlessly for hours. I reach out to the back pocket of my jeans, looking for my phone, but it’s not there. I drop my suitcase and check for it in all my pockets. It’s not in the front pockets, either. I sigh as I remember that the last moment I had it was when Alex called me, in the house.
The thought of what happened only a moment ago comes back to me and makes my stomach hurt again.
I don’t know what to do. I’m lonely, I’m crying, I have nowhere to go and the thunders coming from above me announce a storm is coming. I grab my suitcase and start running. I don’t even know where I’m going, but I’m going. I guess I’m physically trying to run away from the guilt, from everything I did, even from Jack, pretending it will work.
Here come the waterworks. Mine and the sky’s. With the sound of thunders and the water falling, I’m not holding back from crying anymore. I’m even sobbing, with my eyes barely open and ugly noises coming from my throat. And I’m still running.
I fall back on my butt and my suitcase flies out of my hand as I bump against something. I’m so confused, was it a tree? Was it a person?
“Oh, crap. Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” a voice says over the sound of the rain. “Violet?”
Who is this? Oh, shit. Now someone who knows me is seeing me leaving my house at night, with my suitcase, crying. Just as I feared a second ago.
I look up to try and recognize this person, but the raindrops keep falling on my eyes.
They lend a hand and I see it’s a male hand, with several tattoos on his arm. I take it and he pulls me up with such strength that I don’t even have to try to stand up, which I appreciate since I have very little energy left.
“Where are you going?”
It’s only after we’re face to face that I realize it’s Zack. I didn’t know how much I needed to see a friendly face until I saw one. I don’t hesitate another second, I just throw myself to him and hug him tightly. He doesn’t ask any more questions, he just hugs me back.
I’m sobbing again, or still.
“Why are you crying?” He pulls away and frowns at me.
I shake my head, and pick up my suitcase from the ground.
“It’s okay,” he sees that I’m leaving. “Come on.”
He takes my suitcase on one hand and pulls me into a half embrace with the other as we walk down the street, and I think we’re going to his place.
He doesn’t live far away, his building is about five blocks away, a distance we walk under the pouring rain.
When we get there, he opens the door for me and lets me in. It’s warm in here, and I feel safe, until I remember he doesn’t know what happened.
Zack leaves the room for a second, and then comes back with two towels. He hands me one of them and I halfheartedly nod in appreciation as I take it.
“Have a seat,” he smiles, and I feel like breaking down again. “I’ll bring you some coffee.”
I don’t want coffee, but I also don’t want to speak. I don’t think I’ve said a single word since I bumped into him on the street.
He comes back after a while with two mugs on a tray.
What is Jack doing right now? Has he calmed down yet? Is he still fighting with Alex? Or are they working things out? I don’t think I want to know, maybe it’s better to just stay away. Forever.
Why did I have to run into Zack? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Someone who wasn’t friends with Jack and Alex. I wish I could leave this whole thing behind. I guess that’s my plan now. Just leave everything behind. Maybe I’ll move out of this city, and just start anew somewhere else. Should I change my name?
I think I hear Zack asking something. I’m not even sure if he said anything at all, so I don’t reply, my mind is somewhere else.
He puts a coaster on the table, right in front of me, and places one of the mugs on it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Now I’m certain he asks.
I hesitate. I guess talking about it would make me feel better, it almost always does, but on the other hand, I already said everything I had to to the person I had to say it to, there’s no point in saying it again.
“What was the fight about this time?” He asks before I can answer his first question.
'This time' makes it sound like we fight all the time. Yeah, we’ve fought a few times, like any other couple, it’s just that every time that happened, I went to Zack.
What would Zack say, or think about me if he knew what I did? Would he say what he always says? That Jack is in love with me and there’s nothing we can’t work out because we’re meant to be? A part of me knows that that speech isn’t accurate anymore, not after seeing Jack like that a while ago, but the other part of me is begging to hear that once again.
“I cheated on Jack,” I let it out in a whisper. It’s not like things could get any worse. My heart still sinks when I say it, though.
Zack is silent.
“With Alex,” I mutter finally, and I hear him swallow hard.
“Vi…” Zack whispers and swallows again. “I…”
I close my eyes, and feel tears getting caught in my eyelashes. My head is starting to hurt again.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says softly, mostly to himself. “Did Jack tell you to… leave?”
“No,” I shake my head. “But I had to.”
“Why?”
“It was just too much,” I take a deep breath, my chest is starting to hurt as I remember it all. “I never saw Jack so violent.”
Zack quickly moves closer to me in the couch and grabs my hands, which startles me a little.
“Did he hit you?” His eyes are wide as plates.
“No,” I deny quickly. “But he went off on Alex.”
“Alex was there?”
I simply nod.
I can’t help but wonder what Zack's thinking. He probably hates me for getting between two of his best friends. Now that Jack beat the crap out of Alex, I guess it’ll take some time until they work things out, because I know they will, and then it’ll take some more time until they’re not awkward with each other, and then it’ll take some more time until they start making music together again.
“Zack, I’m sorry,” I grab his hands more tightly.
“I know Jack will unders-”
“No,” I say. “I’m telling you, I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” He frowns.
“Because I ruined everything.”
“Calm down, Vi” He gives me another one of his warm smiles.
“I just- I can’t,” I pull my hands away from his. I feel so trapped. Even now that I have my “plan” I feel that I can’t do anything at all to get out of this nightmare.
Zack wraps his arms around me and takes the wet towel off of me.
“Come on,” he says as he pulls me up on my feet, and walks with me towards his bedroom. “You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch, okay?”
He doesn’t even wait for me to answer to continue. “I’ll be out here if you need me. Make yourself comfortable.”
He smiles before leaving.
I slowly make my way to the bed and sit on it, and then I let the rest of me fall on it. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I picture Jack by my side, but it’s not the Jack I love, it’s the Jack I met today, the aggressive, ruthless one that came to life because of me.
It’s probably a good thing I don’t have my phone right now, I’d probably be calling Jack to apologize a hundred more times until he told me to fuck off. Now that I saw this side of him, a voice inside of me is telling me not to go back, but the heart wants what it wants, and I still want him. I need him.
I can’t remember when was the last time I slept without Jack, and even now, after everything that he did, I still need his warm body laying next to mine. I'm so stupid. How could I fuck this up? I love Jack, like I never loved anyone else before.
Everything keeps coming back to my mind. How I cheated, how I confessed, how Jack reacted. I hate this. And I hate that this is my fault. It’s all keeping me awake, tossing and turning on the bed, trying to shake the images off of my head.
I have to get my “plan” rolling. It’s not even a plan, but it’s pretty much all I have at the moment. Leaving this whole thing behind doesn’t sound outrageous, although all I want right now is that things would go back to the way they were before all this. But I know that’s not gonna happen. There’s a war inside my head between the rational part of my brain and the part that wants, well, Jack.
I roll on my side to see the alarm clock that Zack keeps on his nightstand, it’s 11:42 PM. I get up from the bed and walk out of the room. I see Zack sitting on the couch, with his phone in his hand.“Hey, Zack,” I call from behind the couch, he jumps and drops his phone, I must’ve scared him. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he shakes his head with a smile. “What’s up? I thought you were asleep.”
“No, I can’t sleep,” I say, as if it’s obvious that my conscience won’t let me sleep tonight. “I left my phone at home.”
Just calling it that feels wrong now. I stop talking as a lump forms in my throat, but I try to cough it out.
“Do you think I could use yours for a moment?” I ask. He doesn’t even think about it, he just grabs his phone and hands it to me with a smile. “Thanks, Zack.”
I smile, and he nods.
“The password is 882104, just in case it gets locked,” he says before standing up from the couch and heading towards the kitchen. It feels nice being here. Yet I still wonder why Zack’s not mad at me. I wouldn’t let my best friend’s cheating girlfriend stay at my place, and I certainly wouldn’t be so kind to her. But that’s just me. Zack is different.
The first person that comes to my mind when the keypad appears on the screen is my mom. But I don’t know her number. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember anyone’s number at all, they’re all in my phone. I go through Zack’s contacts, to see if he has anyone I know, but the only people I know from his contact list are the people I’m trying to run away from.
Then, I think about logging into my Instagram account and messaging one of my friends. That’ll work. Hopefully someone will answer on a Sunday at 11:42 PM.
I go into Instagram and my heart drops when I see the first picture that pops onto the screen. It was posted by Rian. We’re all in front of the tour bus, smiling and laughing. Jack has his arm wrapped around my waist and I’m standing on my toes, kissing his cheek. The photo has a cute caption, and it has thousands of likes although it was posted like 5 minutes ago. I let myself sink into this picture for a moment, trying to pretend everything is still the same, that Jack and I are as happy as we are there. But it’s not, and we’re not. And I just want all of this to be over.
I log out of Zack’s account and log into mine. It’s flooded with notifications, people liking the picture Rian tagged me on, people mentioning me in comments. I ignore it, since all those people are gonna hate me soon enough, including Rian. I go to my DMs, and I see Jack’s tiny picture there. I swallow hard, and I keep scrolling, until I find just who I’m looking for.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: Hey
I hope to God she answers, and a part of me knows she will. She’s always been my best friend. She’s my sister. She’s literally my sister.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: Hey
emilyy_ln: HEYYYY
emilyy_ln: dude why haven’t we talked in like
emilyy_ln: 30 years
She’s right, we haven’t talked in so long. It’s true what they say, sometimes life gets in the way.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: I know, it’s been so long
emilyy_ln: soooo long
emilyy_ln: you’re over there in sunny LA
emilyy_ln: living your best life
emilyy_ln: with your bf
I sigh, and decide to just go straight to the point.
March 25, 2018 at 11:48 PM
violets.rblu: Hey, Em, do you think I could
stay at your place for a while?
emilyy_ln: sure
emilyy_ln: you in new york?
violets.rblu: No
violets.rblu: I’ll probably catch a flight in
the morning
emilyy_ln: uh
emilyy_ln: what is going on?
violets.rblu: I’ll tell you when I see you okay?
emilyy_ln: ok
emilyy_ln: when will you get here?
violets.rblu: I don’t know
violets.rblu: Could you please send me your address?
violets.rblu: I don’t have a phone right now, so I won’t
be able to call you when I get there
emilyy_ln: seriously violet
emilyy_ln: you’re scaring me
violets.rblu: Please, Em
violets.rblu: I really need your help.
She sends her address after that. I try to remember it, since I won’t have Zack’s phone with me when I land, and I don’t have time to buy a new phone.
I log out of my account and leave Zack’s phone on the couch. I go back to the bedroom and lay on the bed. I feel slightly better now, I know my sister’s gonna help me out, and I know I can start over in New York, or wherever after that. But I still can’t sleep.
Can he sleep? Is he okay? I wonder if Zack’s still in the kitchen. I could get his phone and text Jack real quick, he’d think I’m Zack. No, that’s crazy.
I hear Zack’s footsteps, he walks out of the kitchen, and then I hear another door closing. He’s probably in the bathroom. I quietly walk out of the room again and notice that his phone is still on the couch. I grab it and open the messages.
It’s not hard to find Jack, he’s like the third conversation from the top. I open it, and I remind myself that this is crazy. But I don’t care.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
I send the message and realize there’s no going back now. I should’ve thought this through. I can’t delete these messages, I could only delete the entire conversation but then Zack would know I did it. He’s gonna know anyway when he sees the messages! Fuck. Maybe Jack won’t even answer. I’ll just leave that text and hope Zack thinks he sent it for some reason. As I’m about to exit the conversation and leave the phone on the couch again, a message appears on the screen.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
Hey bro. What’s up?
Oh, my God, it’s him. I feel like the first time he texted me and I was all blushing and giggling. It’s different this time though, I’m not blushing or giggling at all.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
Hey bro. What’s up?
. . . . . . . . . . How are you man?
There’s an adrenaline rush inside me. I can’t believe this is working. I mean, why wouldn’t it? It’s not like Jack knows I’m staying at Zack’s, or that Zack knows anything at all, for that matter.
Sun, March 25, 11:57 PM
Who told you?
Maybe I spoke too soon. What’s that supposed to mean? Who told me what? Who told Zack what?
Sun, March 25, 11:57 PM
Who told you?
. . . . . . . . . . What you mean?
You know what I mean.
Whoa, a period at the end of the text. I do know what he means, but how am I supposed to answer? Do I just tell him that I, as Zack, know about it? Or do I confess that it’s actually me? No, he would think I’m crazy. Well, look at me, I probably am!
Sun, March 25, 11:58 PM
. . . . . . . . . . I want you to know that you can
. . . . . . . . . . count on me 100% okay?
. . . . . . . . . . I’m sorry about everything that
. . . . . . . . . . happened.
That sounds like something Zack would say, so I hit send.
Sun, March 25, 11:58 PM
. . . . . . . . . . I want you to know that you can
. . . . . . . . . . count on me 100% okay?
. . . . . . . . . . I’m sorry about everything that
. . . . . . . . . . happened.
Thanks.
Who told you?
Oh, shit. Who told me? “Violet”? “Alex”? “I always knew but never told you”? “Everyone knows about it already”? Any answer that’s not my name would cause more trouble than I already have.
Mon, March 26, 12:03 AM
. . . . . . . . . .Violet
Mon, March 26, 12:04 AM
When and where did you see her?
What did she tell you?
Was she still crying?
Have you seen Alex?
Have you talked to Alex?
What the fuck? Why is he still acting like this? I don’t know, I guess this whole situation is making us lose our minds. He did ask if I was still crying, though. Does he still care about me?
Mon, March 26, 12:04 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Bro. Calm down.
Did you make out with her too?
since all my friends like to kiss her
and she likes to kiss all my friends
. . . . . . . . . . Stop it Jack.
Seriously, Jack. Stop it. He’s still pissed, I know that much, but he doesn’t have to be jerk.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
Whatever.
. . . . . . . . . . You can talk to me bro
When did you talk to her?
. . . . . . . . . . We’ll talk when you calm down
I’m calm.
I don’t want to talk to him like this anymore. We’re getting nowhere. I just want to hear his voice one last time. Not yelling because he’s angry, not whispering because he’s hurt, just fucking speaking.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
. . . . . . . . . . We’ll talk when you calm down
I’m calm.
. . . . . . . . . . Do you want me to call you?
I know I can’t fake Zack’s voice, and I’m not planning on confessing it was me this whole time, but even just him saying “Hello” would be enough for me.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Do you want me to call you?
No.
His answer is blunt. Why wouldn’t he want to talk to Zack? Maybe he knows it’s me, and he obviously doesn’t want to talk to me. Shit.
Mon, March 26, 12:07 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Alright then
. . . . . . . . . . Goodnight. Get some rest man, it’ll
. . . . . . . . . . be good for you
He doesn’t answer. He knows it’s me. Why did I have to tell him it was me who told Zack? Maybe that’s when he started suspecting. Why did I have to text him in the first place? It doesn’t matter, it’s done now. I leave Zack’s phone on the couch and go back to bed. Hopefully I can sleep now.
Tomorrow will be the day I try to leave this whole thing in the past. But I don’t want to leave Jack in the past. I wish there could be a way to just be with him again, without this mistake I made, without him yelling and throwing things. But there’s no way to go back now.
I wake up, and my head hurts. I instinctively reach out for my phone on the nightstand but I soon realize it’s not there, and I’m not home. Everything hits me like a fucking truck, and it even feels weird to keep thinking of Jack’s place as “home” after everything that happened last night.
I check the clock on Zack’s nightstand and it’s 6:54 AM. It’s too early for me, but it’s not for Zack. He wakes up at 7:00 AM everyday, even when we were on tour, he likes to start his day early, so he’ll be up any minute now, and I have to leave before he wakes up. I kick the sheets off of me carefully and quickly put my shoes on. I slept in my clothes, so I don’t have to worry about that. I walk out of the room and see Zack sleeping on the couch, he’s wearing the same clothes as yesterday as well.
I grab my suitcase from the living room and look at Zack one last time. I wish I could say goodbye to him, but that would mean telling him where I’m going, and I don't think that's part of my so-called "plan".
I check the time on Zack's phone and it’s 6:59 AM. I make my way quickly but silently out of the apartment and close the door behind me, hearing both of his alarms going off behind the door.
It dark outside now, and I have no idea where I’m going. The sky, the trees, the pavement, it all seems alien to me right now. I stand still at the driveway, a part of me is sort of hoping that Jack will come outside, with his usual smile and warm eyes, and tell me that everything will be like it used to. I don't think that's going to happen, but I still stand there for longer than I should have.
I start walking at last, but with no specific destination in mind. I feel terrible. It was my decision to leave, but I couldn’t stay there anymore, so I had no choice.
Walking out at night, suitcase in hand, puffy red eyes from crying, I feel exposed. Everyone’s gonna see me and know what happened, or make their own assumptions.
I want to throw up.
Maybe calling a cab would be better than walking aimlessly for hours. I reach out to the back pocket of my jeans, looking for my phone, but it’s not there. I drop my suitcase and check for it in all my pockets. It’s not in the front pockets, either. I sigh as I remember that the last moment I had it was when Alex called me, in the house.
The thought of what happened only a moment ago comes back to me and makes my stomach hurt again.
I don’t know what to do. I’m lonely, I’m crying, I have nowhere to go and the thunders coming from above me announce a storm is coming. I grab my suitcase and start running. I don’t even know where I’m going, but I’m going. I guess I’m physically trying to run away from the guilt, from everything I did, even from Jack, pretending it will work.
Here come the waterworks. Mine and the sky’s. With the sound of thunders and the water falling, I’m not holding back from crying anymore. I’m even sobbing, with my eyes barely open and ugly noises coming from my throat. And I’m still running.
I fall back on my butt and my suitcase flies out of my hand as I bump against something. I’m so confused, was it a tree? Was it a person?
“Oh, crap. Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” a voice says over the sound of the rain. “Violet?”
Who is this? Oh, shit. Now someone who knows me is seeing me leaving my house at night, with my suitcase, crying. Just as I feared a second ago.
I look up to try and recognize this person, but the raindrops keep falling on my eyes.
They lend a hand and I see it’s a male hand, with several tattoos on his arm. I take it and he pulls me up with such strength that I don’t even have to try to stand up, which I appreciate since I have very little energy left.
“Where are you going?”
It’s only after we’re face to face that I realize it’s Zack. I didn’t know how much I needed to see a friendly face until I saw one. I don’t hesitate another second, I just throw myself to him and hug him tightly. He doesn’t ask any more questions, he just hugs me back.
I’m sobbing again, or still.
“Why are you crying?” He pulls away and frowns at me.
I shake my head, and pick up my suitcase from the ground.
“It’s okay,” he sees that I’m leaving. “Come on.”
He takes my suitcase on one hand and pulls me into a half embrace with the other as we walk down the street, and I think we’re going to his place.
He doesn’t live far away, his building is about five blocks away, a distance we walk under the pouring rain.
When we get there, he opens the door for me and lets me in. It’s warm in here, and I feel safe, until I remember he doesn’t know what happened.
Zack leaves the room for a second, and then comes back with two towels. He hands me one of them and I halfheartedly nod in appreciation as I take it.
“Have a seat,” he smiles, and I feel like breaking down again. “I’ll bring you some coffee.”
I don’t want coffee, but I also don’t want to speak. I don’t think I’ve said a single word since I bumped into him on the street.
He comes back after a while with two mugs on a tray.
What is Jack doing right now? Has he calmed down yet? Is he still fighting with Alex? Or are they working things out? I don’t think I want to know, maybe it’s better to just stay away. Forever.
Why did I have to run into Zack? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Someone who wasn’t friends with Jack and Alex. I wish I could leave this whole thing behind. I guess that’s my plan now. Just leave everything behind. Maybe I’ll move out of this city, and just start anew somewhere else. Should I change my name?
I think I hear Zack asking something. I’m not even sure if he said anything at all, so I don’t reply, my mind is somewhere else.
He puts a coaster on the table, right in front of me, and places one of the mugs on it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Now I’m certain he asks.
I hesitate. I guess talking about it would make me feel better, it almost always does, but on the other hand, I already said everything I had to to the person I had to say it to, there’s no point in saying it again.
“What was the fight about this time?” He asks before I can answer his first question.
'This time' makes it sound like we fight all the time. Yeah, we’ve fought a few times, like any other couple, it’s just that every time that happened, I went to Zack.
What would Zack say, or think about me if he knew what I did? Would he say what he always says? That Jack is in love with me and there’s nothing we can’t work out because we’re meant to be? A part of me knows that that speech isn’t accurate anymore, not after seeing Jack like that a while ago, but the other part of me is begging to hear that once again.
“I cheated on Jack,” I let it out in a whisper. It’s not like things could get any worse. My heart still sinks when I say it, though.
Zack is silent.
“With Alex,” I mutter finally, and I hear him swallow hard.
“Vi…” Zack whispers and swallows again. “I…”
I close my eyes, and feel tears getting caught in my eyelashes. My head is starting to hurt again.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says softly, mostly to himself. “Did Jack tell you to… leave?”
“No,” I shake my head. “But I had to.”
“Why?”
“It was just too much,” I take a deep breath, my chest is starting to hurt as I remember it all. “I never saw Jack so violent.”
Zack quickly moves closer to me in the couch and grabs my hands, which startles me a little.
“Did he hit you?” His eyes are wide as plates.
“No,” I deny quickly. “But he went off on Alex.”
“Alex was there?”
I simply nod.
I can’t help but wonder what Zack's thinking. He probably hates me for getting between two of his best friends. Now that Jack beat the crap out of Alex, I guess it’ll take some time until they work things out, because I know they will, and then it’ll take some more time until they’re not awkward with each other, and then it’ll take some more time until they start making music together again.
“Zack, I’m sorry,” I grab his hands more tightly.
“I know Jack will unders-”
“No,” I say. “I’m telling you, I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” He frowns.
“Because I ruined everything.”
“Calm down, Vi” He gives me another one of his warm smiles.
“I just- I can’t,” I pull my hands away from his. I feel so trapped. Even now that I have my “plan” I feel that I can’t do anything at all to get out of this nightmare.
Zack wraps his arms around me and takes the wet towel off of me.
“Come on,” he says as he pulls me up on my feet, and walks with me towards his bedroom. “You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch, okay?”
He doesn’t even wait for me to answer to continue. “I’ll be out here if you need me. Make yourself comfortable.”
He smiles before leaving.
I slowly make my way to the bed and sit on it, and then I let the rest of me fall on it. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I picture Jack by my side, but it’s not the Jack I love, it’s the Jack I met today, the aggressive, ruthless one that came to life because of me.
It’s probably a good thing I don’t have my phone right now, I’d probably be calling Jack to apologize a hundred more times until he told me to fuck off. Now that I saw this side of him, a voice inside of me is telling me not to go back, but the heart wants what it wants, and I still want him. I need him.
I can’t remember when was the last time I slept without Jack, and even now, after everything that he did, I still need his warm body laying next to mine. I'm so stupid. How could I fuck this up? I love Jack, like I never loved anyone else before.
Everything keeps coming back to my mind. How I cheated, how I confessed, how Jack reacted. I hate this. And I hate that this is my fault. It’s all keeping me awake, tossing and turning on the bed, trying to shake the images off of my head.
I have to get my “plan” rolling. It’s not even a plan, but it’s pretty much all I have at the moment. Leaving this whole thing behind doesn’t sound outrageous, although all I want right now is that things would go back to the way they were before all this. But I know that’s not gonna happen. There’s a war inside my head between the rational part of my brain and the part that wants, well, Jack.
I roll on my side to see the alarm clock that Zack keeps on his nightstand, it’s 11:42 PM. I get up from the bed and walk out of the room. I see Zack sitting on the couch, with his phone in his hand.“Hey, Zack,” I call from behind the couch, he jumps and drops his phone, I must’ve scared him. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he shakes his head with a smile. “What’s up? I thought you were asleep.”
“No, I can’t sleep,” I say, as if it’s obvious that my conscience won’t let me sleep tonight. “I left my phone at home.”
Just calling it that feels wrong now. I stop talking as a lump forms in my throat, but I try to cough it out.
“Do you think I could use yours for a moment?” I ask. He doesn’t even think about it, he just grabs his phone and hands it to me with a smile. “Thanks, Zack.”
I smile, and he nods.
“The password is 882104, just in case it gets locked,” he says before standing up from the couch and heading towards the kitchen. It feels nice being here. Yet I still wonder why Zack’s not mad at me. I wouldn’t let my best friend’s cheating girlfriend stay at my place, and I certainly wouldn’t be so kind to her. But that’s just me. Zack is different.
The first person that comes to my mind when the keypad appears on the screen is my mom. But I don’t know her number. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember anyone’s number at all, they’re all in my phone. I go through Zack’s contacts, to see if he has anyone I know, but the only people I know from his contact list are the people I’m trying to run away from.
Then, I think about logging into my Instagram account and messaging one of my friends. That’ll work. Hopefully someone will answer on a Sunday at 11:42 PM.
I go into Instagram and my heart drops when I see the first picture that pops onto the screen. It was posted by Rian. We’re all in front of the tour bus, smiling and laughing. Jack has his arm wrapped around my waist and I’m standing on my toes, kissing his cheek. The photo has a cute caption, and it has thousands of likes although it was posted like 5 minutes ago. I let myself sink into this picture for a moment, trying to pretend everything is still the same, that Jack and I are as happy as we are there. But it’s not, and we’re not. And I just want all of this to be over.
I log out of Zack’s account and log into mine. It’s flooded with notifications, people liking the picture Rian tagged me on, people mentioning me in comments. I ignore it, since all those people are gonna hate me soon enough, including Rian. I go to my DMs, and I see Jack’s tiny picture there. I swallow hard, and I keep scrolling, until I find just who I’m looking for.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: Hey
I hope to God she answers, and a part of me knows she will. She’s always been my best friend. She’s my sister. She’s literally my sister.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: Hey
emilyy_ln: HEYYYY
emilyy_ln: dude why haven’t we talked in like
emilyy_ln: 30 years
She’s right, we haven’t talked in so long. It’s true what they say, sometimes life gets in the way.
March 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
violets.rblu: I know, it’s been so long
emilyy_ln: soooo long
emilyy_ln: you’re over there in sunny LA
emilyy_ln: living your best life
emilyy_ln: with your bf
I sigh, and decide to just go straight to the point.
March 25, 2018 at 11:48 PM
violets.rblu: Hey, Em, do you think I could
stay at your place for a while?
emilyy_ln: sure
emilyy_ln: you in new york?
violets.rblu: No
violets.rblu: I’ll probably catch a flight in
the morning
emilyy_ln: uh
emilyy_ln: what is going on?
violets.rblu: I’ll tell you when I see you okay?
emilyy_ln: ok
emilyy_ln: when will you get here?
violets.rblu: I don’t know
violets.rblu: Could you please send me your address?
violets.rblu: I don’t have a phone right now, so I won’t
be able to call you when I get there
emilyy_ln: seriously violet
emilyy_ln: you’re scaring me
violets.rblu: Please, Em
violets.rblu: I really need your help.
She sends her address after that. I try to remember it, since I won’t have Zack’s phone with me when I land, and I don’t have time to buy a new phone.
I log out of my account and leave Zack’s phone on the couch. I go back to the bedroom and lay on the bed. I feel slightly better now, I know my sister’s gonna help me out, and I know I can start over in New York, or wherever after that. But I still can’t sleep.
Can he sleep? Is he okay? I wonder if Zack’s still in the kitchen. I could get his phone and text Jack real quick, he’d think I’m Zack. No, that’s crazy.
I hear Zack’s footsteps, he walks out of the kitchen, and then I hear another door closing. He’s probably in the bathroom. I quietly walk out of the room again and notice that his phone is still on the couch. I grab it and open the messages.
It’s not hard to find Jack, he’s like the third conversation from the top. I open it, and I remind myself that this is crazy. But I don’t care.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
I send the message and realize there’s no going back now. I should’ve thought this through. I can’t delete these messages, I could only delete the entire conversation but then Zack would know I did it. He’s gonna know anyway when he sees the messages! Fuck. Maybe Jack won’t even answer. I’ll just leave that text and hope Zack thinks he sent it for some reason. As I’m about to exit the conversation and leave the phone on the couch again, a message appears on the screen.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
Hey bro. What’s up?
Oh, my God, it’s him. I feel like the first time he texted me and I was all blushing and giggling. It’s different this time though, I’m not blushing or giggling at all.
Sun, March 25, 11:56 PM
. . . . . . . . . . Hey man, how you doin?
Hey bro. What’s up?
. . . . . . . . . . How are you man?
There’s an adrenaline rush inside me. I can’t believe this is working. I mean, why wouldn’t it? It’s not like Jack knows I’m staying at Zack’s, or that Zack knows anything at all, for that matter.
Sun, March 25, 11:57 PM
Who told you?
Maybe I spoke too soon. What’s that supposed to mean? Who told me what? Who told Zack what?
Sun, March 25, 11:57 PM
Who told you?
. . . . . . . . . . What you mean?
You know what I mean.
Whoa, a period at the end of the text. I do know what he means, but how am I supposed to answer? Do I just tell him that I, as Zack, know about it? Or do I confess that it’s actually me? No, he would think I’m crazy. Well, look at me, I probably am!
Sun, March 25, 11:58 PM
. . . . . . . . . . I want you to know that you can
. . . . . . . . . . count on me 100% okay?
. . . . . . . . . . I’m sorry about everything that
. . . . . . . . . . happened.
That sounds like something Zack would say, so I hit send.
Sun, March 25, 11:58 PM
. . . . . . . . . . I want you to know that you can
. . . . . . . . . . count on me 100% okay?
. . . . . . . . . . I’m sorry about everything that
. . . . . . . . . . happened.
Thanks.
Who told you?
Oh, shit. Who told me? “Violet”? “Alex”? “I always knew but never told you”? “Everyone knows about it already”? Any answer that’s not my name would cause more trouble than I already have.
Mon, March 26, 12:03 AM
. . . . . . . . . .Violet
Mon, March 26, 12:04 AM
When and where did you see her?
What did she tell you?
Was she still crying?
Have you seen Alex?
Have you talked to Alex?
What the fuck? Why is he still acting like this? I don’t know, I guess this whole situation is making us lose our minds. He did ask if I was still crying, though. Does he still care about me?
Mon, March 26, 12:04 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Bro. Calm down.
Did you make out with her too?
since all my friends like to kiss her
and she likes to kiss all my friends
. . . . . . . . . . Stop it Jack.
Seriously, Jack. Stop it. He’s still pissed, I know that much, but he doesn’t have to be jerk.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
Whatever.
. . . . . . . . . . You can talk to me bro
When did you talk to her?
. . . . . . . . . . We’ll talk when you calm down
I’m calm.
I don’t want to talk to him like this anymore. We’re getting nowhere. I just want to hear his voice one last time. Not yelling because he’s angry, not whispering because he’s hurt, just fucking speaking.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
. . . . . . . . . . We’ll talk when you calm down
I’m calm.
. . . . . . . . . . Do you want me to call you?
I know I can’t fake Zack’s voice, and I’m not planning on confessing it was me this whole time, but even just him saying “Hello” would be enough for me.
Mon, March 26, 12:06 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Do you want me to call you?
No.
His answer is blunt. Why wouldn’t he want to talk to Zack? Maybe he knows it’s me, and he obviously doesn’t want to talk to me. Shit.
Mon, March 26, 12:07 AM
. . . . . . . . . . Alright then
. . . . . . . . . . Goodnight. Get some rest man, it’ll
. . . . . . . . . . be good for you
He doesn’t answer. He knows it’s me. Why did I have to tell him it was me who told Zack? Maybe that’s when he started suspecting. Why did I have to text him in the first place? It doesn’t matter, it’s done now. I leave Zack’s phone on the couch and go back to bed. Hopefully I can sleep now.
Tomorrow will be the day I try to leave this whole thing in the past. But I don’t want to leave Jack in the past. I wish there could be a way to just be with him again, without this mistake I made, without him yelling and throwing things. But there’s no way to go back now.
I wake up, and my head hurts. I instinctively reach out for my phone on the nightstand but I soon realize it’s not there, and I’m not home. Everything hits me like a fucking truck, and it even feels weird to keep thinking of Jack’s place as “home” after everything that happened last night.
I check the clock on Zack’s nightstand and it’s 6:54 AM. It’s too early for me, but it’s not for Zack. He wakes up at 7:00 AM everyday, even when we were on tour, he likes to start his day early, so he’ll be up any minute now, and I have to leave before he wakes up. I kick the sheets off of me carefully and quickly put my shoes on. I slept in my clothes, so I don’t have to worry about that. I walk out of the room and see Zack sleeping on the couch, he’s wearing the same clothes as yesterday as well.
I grab my suitcase from the living room and look at Zack one last time. I wish I could say goodbye to him, but that would mean telling him where I’m going, and I don't think that's part of my so-called "plan".
I check the time on Zack's phone and it’s 6:59 AM. I make my way quickly but silently out of the apartment and close the door behind me, hearing both of his alarms going off behind the door.
Notes
hello again! i'm sorry if this chapter is too long, i honestly felt like it was very hard to put into words what Violet must be feeling (i know she's fictional, but i'm getting wayyy into this story lmao)
anyway, i hope you enjoyed! again, thank you for reading, subscribing, commenting and everything, i know i say this in most of the chapters' notes, but i truly appreciate it!
also, i left the iMessage part just like i did on the previous chapter so you know it's the same conversation, but from now on i think i'll go with the format i used for the instagram part :)
have a great day/night, everyone! <3
Finally getting to this! XD :)
Yay, I'm glad my suggestions helped. :) I do like the Instagram type format better, it gets a bit confusing in this latest chapter especially with all the dots in the texting format you repeated, lol. Like I backtracked and thought they just meant pauses at first, as opposed to trying to align the texts in the correct places lol. Plus, it kind of gets repetitive with the texting format.
Now, as for the latest chapter...
Don't have as much to say about this one, since it's basically just a recount of the same time frame from Violet's POV, but, I'm glad we got it. I mean, how else would we have found out it was her that texted Jack? I wonder if Zack will ever realize or inform Jack that it wasn't him messaging.
I definitely think she needs to stay away for a bit, so maybe this trip to New York will help her, just until things blow over. I don't really see it being completely avoided forever, though. But who knows? She no longer has her phone, so... how will they be able to contact her? Unless they know her "sister" (it's her actual sister, right? It confused me a bit when she was explaining... because it could just be a friend that is so close she's basically a sister?). Ooohhhh and here comes a bias suggestion that just occurred to me, WAIT FOR IT XD :
Alex knows her sister, or recalls her and thinks to contact her, but Jack doesn't. XD Because Alex is just that attentive to Violet. :D And he finds her in New York. ;)
LMAO. The bias is so bad, I know. XD
Hmm... but anyway, Zack is such a sweet potato. :) I'm glad he let her stay even after she told him the truth. He could have easily kicked her out, but, it just shows how noble of a character he is. :')
Think that's all I have to report on, Captain. Until the next update! XD :)
5/22/18