Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You
Forty-Six.
Let’s go out tonight
I rolled my eyes, throwing my phone back onto my desk and returning to my work. I had finished my college essay a couple of days ago, but I was still obsessing over it. I knew it wasn’t sensible and I knew I needed to submit it, but I was holding out and nit picking and I knew I’d make it worse the more I looked at it, though I honestly couldn’t help myself.
Marissa was being helpful, but only so much as to try and make me get out of the house and make bad decisions all over again. I know being a teenager with me had had a terrible effect on her, however I hadn’t realised it had been this bad. I wanted to try and blame it on missing me for years, or spending all her time with booze hound Jack from the age of 18, deep down I knew that it was just from hanging out with me from an early age and bearing witness to my absolute descent into notoriety at 16.
Come onnnnnnnn
I groaned, pushing away from the desk and glancing at the clock across the room. Maybe it was a good thing to get out of my own head? It was only 7pm and I hadn’t left my room except for food all day and it was beyond stifling. I was beginning to think about throwing something at my screen, so perhaps a night off was in order.
We can predrink at mine and I promise I’ll get wine
This time, I snorted. Of course she still tried to bribe me with wine. Not classy wine, the $5 a pop cheap crap from the closest store to her at any given time; the kind of wine you inhale in an almost shot like fashion, not the kind you swirl and smell and sip at.
How about just wine at yours? I asked in return.
Absolutely not, we’re going out and you’re going to love it. Come get ready at mine boo <3
“You know, I used to be the bad influence in this friendship,” I grunted, heaving myself and my bag into Marissa’s apartment and trying not to throw the wine I had brought myself at her head. “Where did my sensible friend go? The one who knew balance.”
“This is balance,” she retorted, rolling her eyes and holding a glass of wine in the air in my general direction. “You need to relax and I haven’t been out in forever.”
“I hate to break it to you, Rissa, but you’re 20. You shouldn’t be out at all.” She waved me off, finally picking up another section of hair to continue styling, while I took a large drink from the glass she had given me as I came in.
I never knew how she did it, but somehow, I ended up in a fantastic mood shockingly quickly. I found myself laughing to her jokes with my make up half applied within 10 minutes, almost the entire first glass of wine gone. I was trying not to just get completely hammered, but old habits die hard. I wasn’t sure how we ended up laughing all the way to the club, or even how many glasses of wine she (I) had managed to throw down my throat between the first and leaving the cab, but I did know that Marissa was keeping pace with me better than she ever used to.
It was 11pm. I was more than lightly buzzed, and I was honestly having the best time I’d had in months. I could feel the beat all around me, pushing me into bouncing around with Marissa, both arms in the air with one hand tightly holding my beer. I wasn’t drunk, I was merry, and I loved it.
“Jack, it’s you!” Marissa shrieked as her boyfriend became visible through the crowd. I watched his eyes light up as he realised it was in fact All Time Low playing through the speakers, pulling Marissa from my grip and dancing with her despite his clear sobriety. Alex came in behind him, shaking his head softly, but I kept my eyes focussed on the pair next to me, realising myself that it was Dear Maria I had been bouncing around to. It made sense, given how much I want to move to the music, but I was pleased that I was finally getting to the point that just hearing Alex’s voice didn’t put me absolutely on edge. Don’t get me wrong, the sight of him still set my heart to racing, I was sure that it always would, but I could manage that.
Marissa held out a hand as New Found Glory began playing, which I accepted and let her pull me into another attempt at tipsy dancing, laughing loudly with one another. I hadn’t felt like this in, well, years. Even at 17, I wasn’t this at ease with anyone, even Marissa, but I finally felt at home where I was, and I couldn’t explain how nice that felt even if I had wanted to. I could feel Jack’s presence, despite no physical touch, and I just felt like I was home. I wasn’t reaching out for, or hiding from, anyone, nor burying myself in something I had fooled myself into thinking I needed.
I detached myself from Marissa, making my way to the bar as she pulled Jack in to take my place and then some.
“Drink?” I asked Alex, who was checking his phone otherwise empty handed. He shook his head.
“I’ll come over with you though,” he offered, beginning to take his place next to me. I shrugged, allowing him to tag along regardless. I didn’t speak again until we reached the bar, ordering Marissa and I more of the same, deliberately leaving out Jack who already seemed to have a beer in hand. I assumed he’d gone to the bar before Marissa spotted him, while Alex forewent the alcohol as he had chosen to do when I offered. I leaned against the bar as I waited for my change, offering a small smile in Alex’s direction but again choosing not to make conversation. I didn’t feel awkward, the amount of alcohol I had consumed thus far stemming that feeling from developing, but I did feel as though talking was unnecessary. I had said all I needed to say to Alex before I left.
By the time Alex and I had made it back to Jack and Marissa, she’d let the alcohol take over her impulse control and, shall we say, done a Jasey. Not a full Jasey, just a very obviously drunk and ready kind of Jasey.
“They are not getting in my car,” Alex stated, wrinkling his nose, and shaking his head. “I don’t need to disinfect the back seat again.”
“Again?” I snorted. I watched as his lip began to curl alongside his nose wrinkling and laughed all the harder. “I take it back; I don’t want to know.”
“Good, because I didn’t want to say it.” I suppressed my laughter into a smile, tearing my eyes from Alex and glancing at our friends, who were still being wildly inappropriate on the dancefloor. Not that I didn’t hate her running off to Jack as soon as she had, I knew we’d had a good night until then and that made it all worth it. She was entitled to finish the night however she wanted, as I had done many times before.
“I’m gonna call a cab and abandon them,” I told him. “They can call their own damn cab because I want no trace of liability for what they’re planning to do in there.”
“Don’t call a cab,” he replied, sighing. “I’m sober as a nun, I’ll drive us both home.” I glanced at him for a second, about to remind him we hadn’t spoken in several weeks now but shrugged and went to say goodbye to the pair of them anyway, Alex in tow.
I sank into his passenger seat, pulling off my uncomfortable shoes before he’d even turned on the engine, tucking my feet underneath me and relaxing. I didn’t care about being overly comfortable and therefore ‘gross’ in front of Alex, especially not in the dark. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. You know what I mean.
“How’s your mom?” I asked, suppressing a yawn. Look, it’s a comfortable seat. Bite me.
“She’s good. In absolute Christmas panic mode already, but otherwise, good.”
“Urgh, don’t. Christmas present panic is my mom’s entire existence right now. I’m so sick of hearing about it.” I heard him chuckle and smiled softly, too tired and tipsy to bother suppressing it. “Do they still do the big holidays together? The look of absolute horror on your face that first year was honestly my dream come true.” I could feel the stiffness my question had forced through his body, despite my attempt to alleviate the seriousness of it with jokes. Maybe I’d picked the wrong question and the wrong joke.
“Not since you left.” I glanced over at him, seeing him staring stubbornly ahead. “Your dad is too pissed to look at me still.”
“That’s a shame.” I wasn’t lying, it would be nice if they still hung out, if Alex and I’s mess hadn’t ruined a genuine friendship between our parents. “Probably for the best,” I carried on, trying to get Alex’s muscles to relax under his awkwardness, “because I have so many plans to stay sober this year, and you, sir, drive me to drink.” He let out another small laugh, relaxing.
“Likewise.” I snorted, widening Alex’s grin. “The first time I touched a drop of alcohol was entirely your fault and I won’t listen to you arguing with me about it.”
“You fucking liar,” I retorted. “You were drinking vodka in your cradle.”
“I’m English, we drink tea in the cradle, thanks.”
“Okay, say I believe you about the cradle. What did I do so wrong when you were three to drive you to drink?”
“At fifteen-“ I snorted again at the age, another obvious lie, “-you walked into Taylor Mason’s house, in possibly the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen and proceeded to utterly ignore my entire existence.”
“Well, that just never happened, did it?”
“It absolutely did! I got super wasted, puked in his mom’s flowerbed, and got kicked out.”
“That part I do believe.” He shot me a grin and I shook my head. A silence settled between us as he began to make some of the final turns out of the city and I settled further into my seat. “The first time I ever went to someone’s house party – Jason’s – I got so unbelievably drunk I can’t remember most of it, but I do distinctly remember – and please do not repeat this to anyone – puking in the back of Mike’s car and blaming it on Jack, who was passed out next to me.”
The laughter that ripped from Alex’s throat was the brightest I’d hear him in literally years, like the laughter came from his very core. I couldn’t pull back my smile at the sound. This man had been so important to me for so long, that his very laugh brought me more joy than I could ever describe.
“I once—” he wheezed out between laughter. “I once told my mom Jack pissed in the back yard pool when it reacted with some chemical or other. I’d tried to sneak it at 3am and couldn’t hold it while he sneaked in to unlock the door. She didn’t speak to him for like a month.”
“Isn’t he just the best scapegoat you ever did use?”
“My favourite,” he admitted. “I got away with so much by saying he did it.”
“Did you ever tell your mom that the party you got caught at was because Jack had tricked you and was super drunk and you felt bad leaving him?”
No, but I should have!”
I turned in my seat, getting comfortable where I sat so I could see him better while we spoke. He began telling me more about the things he’d blamed on Jack as a teen, and I reciprocated, the pair of us becoming steadily more amused, hardly able to control ourselves by the time we pulled up at home. We lingered for longer than I knew, back and forth telling each other stories the other didn’t know before we eventually parted ways.
I rolled my eyes, throwing my phone back onto my desk and returning to my work. I had finished my college essay a couple of days ago, but I was still obsessing over it. I knew it wasn’t sensible and I knew I needed to submit it, but I was holding out and nit picking and I knew I’d make it worse the more I looked at it, though I honestly couldn’t help myself.
Marissa was being helpful, but only so much as to try and make me get out of the house and make bad decisions all over again. I know being a teenager with me had had a terrible effect on her, however I hadn’t realised it had been this bad. I wanted to try and blame it on missing me for years, or spending all her time with booze hound Jack from the age of 18, deep down I knew that it was just from hanging out with me from an early age and bearing witness to my absolute descent into notoriety at 16.
Come onnnnnnnn
I groaned, pushing away from the desk and glancing at the clock across the room. Maybe it was a good thing to get out of my own head? It was only 7pm and I hadn’t left my room except for food all day and it was beyond stifling. I was beginning to think about throwing something at my screen, so perhaps a night off was in order.
We can predrink at mine and I promise I’ll get wine
This time, I snorted. Of course she still tried to bribe me with wine. Not classy wine, the $5 a pop cheap crap from the closest store to her at any given time; the kind of wine you inhale in an almost shot like fashion, not the kind you swirl and smell and sip at.
How about just wine at yours? I asked in return.
Absolutely not, we’re going out and you’re going to love it. Come get ready at mine boo <3
“You know, I used to be the bad influence in this friendship,” I grunted, heaving myself and my bag into Marissa’s apartment and trying not to throw the wine I had brought myself at her head. “Where did my sensible friend go? The one who knew balance.”
“This is balance,” she retorted, rolling her eyes and holding a glass of wine in the air in my general direction. “You need to relax and I haven’t been out in forever.”
“I hate to break it to you, Rissa, but you’re 20. You shouldn’t be out at all.” She waved me off, finally picking up another section of hair to continue styling, while I took a large drink from the glass she had given me as I came in.
I never knew how she did it, but somehow, I ended up in a fantastic mood shockingly quickly. I found myself laughing to her jokes with my make up half applied within 10 minutes, almost the entire first glass of wine gone. I was trying not to just get completely hammered, but old habits die hard. I wasn’t sure how we ended up laughing all the way to the club, or even how many glasses of wine she (I) had managed to throw down my throat between the first and leaving the cab, but I did know that Marissa was keeping pace with me better than she ever used to.
It was 11pm. I was more than lightly buzzed, and I was honestly having the best time I’d had in months. I could feel the beat all around me, pushing me into bouncing around with Marissa, both arms in the air with one hand tightly holding my beer. I wasn’t drunk, I was merry, and I loved it.
“Jack, it’s you!” Marissa shrieked as her boyfriend became visible through the crowd. I watched his eyes light up as he realised it was in fact All Time Low playing through the speakers, pulling Marissa from my grip and dancing with her despite his clear sobriety. Alex came in behind him, shaking his head softly, but I kept my eyes focussed on the pair next to me, realising myself that it was Dear Maria I had been bouncing around to. It made sense, given how much I want to move to the music, but I was pleased that I was finally getting to the point that just hearing Alex’s voice didn’t put me absolutely on edge. Don’t get me wrong, the sight of him still set my heart to racing, I was sure that it always would, but I could manage that.
Marissa held out a hand as New Found Glory began playing, which I accepted and let her pull me into another attempt at tipsy dancing, laughing loudly with one another. I hadn’t felt like this in, well, years. Even at 17, I wasn’t this at ease with anyone, even Marissa, but I finally felt at home where I was, and I couldn’t explain how nice that felt even if I had wanted to. I could feel Jack’s presence, despite no physical touch, and I just felt like I was home. I wasn’t reaching out for, or hiding from, anyone, nor burying myself in something I had fooled myself into thinking I needed.
I detached myself from Marissa, making my way to the bar as she pulled Jack in to take my place and then some.
“Drink?” I asked Alex, who was checking his phone otherwise empty handed. He shook his head.
“I’ll come over with you though,” he offered, beginning to take his place next to me. I shrugged, allowing him to tag along regardless. I didn’t speak again until we reached the bar, ordering Marissa and I more of the same, deliberately leaving out Jack who already seemed to have a beer in hand. I assumed he’d gone to the bar before Marissa spotted him, while Alex forewent the alcohol as he had chosen to do when I offered. I leaned against the bar as I waited for my change, offering a small smile in Alex’s direction but again choosing not to make conversation. I didn’t feel awkward, the amount of alcohol I had consumed thus far stemming that feeling from developing, but I did feel as though talking was unnecessary. I had said all I needed to say to Alex before I left.
By the time Alex and I had made it back to Jack and Marissa, she’d let the alcohol take over her impulse control and, shall we say, done a Jasey. Not a full Jasey, just a very obviously drunk and ready kind of Jasey.
“They are not getting in my car,” Alex stated, wrinkling his nose, and shaking his head. “I don’t need to disinfect the back seat again.”
“Again?” I snorted. I watched as his lip began to curl alongside his nose wrinkling and laughed all the harder. “I take it back; I don’t want to know.”
“Good, because I didn’t want to say it.” I suppressed my laughter into a smile, tearing my eyes from Alex and glancing at our friends, who were still being wildly inappropriate on the dancefloor. Not that I didn’t hate her running off to Jack as soon as she had, I knew we’d had a good night until then and that made it all worth it. She was entitled to finish the night however she wanted, as I had done many times before.
“I’m gonna call a cab and abandon them,” I told him. “They can call their own damn cab because I want no trace of liability for what they’re planning to do in there.”
“Don’t call a cab,” he replied, sighing. “I’m sober as a nun, I’ll drive us both home.” I glanced at him for a second, about to remind him we hadn’t spoken in several weeks now but shrugged and went to say goodbye to the pair of them anyway, Alex in tow.
I sank into his passenger seat, pulling off my uncomfortable shoes before he’d even turned on the engine, tucking my feet underneath me and relaxing. I didn’t care about being overly comfortable and therefore ‘gross’ in front of Alex, especially not in the dark. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. You know what I mean.
“How’s your mom?” I asked, suppressing a yawn. Look, it’s a comfortable seat. Bite me.
“She’s good. In absolute Christmas panic mode already, but otherwise, good.”
“Urgh, don’t. Christmas present panic is my mom’s entire existence right now. I’m so sick of hearing about it.” I heard him chuckle and smiled softly, too tired and tipsy to bother suppressing it. “Do they still do the big holidays together? The look of absolute horror on your face that first year was honestly my dream come true.” I could feel the stiffness my question had forced through his body, despite my attempt to alleviate the seriousness of it with jokes. Maybe I’d picked the wrong question and the wrong joke.
“Not since you left.” I glanced over at him, seeing him staring stubbornly ahead. “Your dad is too pissed to look at me still.”
“That’s a shame.” I wasn’t lying, it would be nice if they still hung out, if Alex and I’s mess hadn’t ruined a genuine friendship between our parents. “Probably for the best,” I carried on, trying to get Alex’s muscles to relax under his awkwardness, “because I have so many plans to stay sober this year, and you, sir, drive me to drink.” He let out another small laugh, relaxing.
“Likewise.” I snorted, widening Alex’s grin. “The first time I touched a drop of alcohol was entirely your fault and I won’t listen to you arguing with me about it.”
“You fucking liar,” I retorted. “You were drinking vodka in your cradle.”
“I’m English, we drink tea in the cradle, thanks.”
“Okay, say I believe you about the cradle. What did I do so wrong when you were three to drive you to drink?”
“At fifteen-“ I snorted again at the age, another obvious lie, “-you walked into Taylor Mason’s house, in possibly the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen and proceeded to utterly ignore my entire existence.”
“Well, that just never happened, did it?”
“It absolutely did! I got super wasted, puked in his mom’s flowerbed, and got kicked out.”
“That part I do believe.” He shot me a grin and I shook my head. A silence settled between us as he began to make some of the final turns out of the city and I settled further into my seat. “The first time I ever went to someone’s house party – Jason’s – I got so unbelievably drunk I can’t remember most of it, but I do distinctly remember – and please do not repeat this to anyone – puking in the back of Mike’s car and blaming it on Jack, who was passed out next to me.”
The laughter that ripped from Alex’s throat was the brightest I’d hear him in literally years, like the laughter came from his very core. I couldn’t pull back my smile at the sound. This man had been so important to me for so long, that his very laugh brought me more joy than I could ever describe.
“I once—” he wheezed out between laughter. “I once told my mom Jack pissed in the back yard pool when it reacted with some chemical or other. I’d tried to sneak it at 3am and couldn’t hold it while he sneaked in to unlock the door. She didn’t speak to him for like a month.”
“Isn’t he just the best scapegoat you ever did use?”
“My favourite,” he admitted. “I got away with so much by saying he did it.”
“Did you ever tell your mom that the party you got caught at was because Jack had tricked you and was super drunk and you felt bad leaving him?”
No, but I should have!”
I turned in my seat, getting comfortable where I sat so I could see him better while we spoke. He began telling me more about the things he’d blamed on Jack as a teen, and I reciprocated, the pair of us becoming steadily more amused, hardly able to control ourselves by the time we pulled up at home. We lingered for longer than I knew, back and forth telling each other stories the other didn’t know before we eventually parted ways.
@settle for me.
Two words. Character Development. SHES SO SHALLOW RIGHT NOW. I've met people like her and they make my blood boil and skin crawl.
I'm not one to talk about stories being too long... it's difficult.
5/7/20