Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

After my day on campus, I’d spoken to John all of once for around five minutes. We'd spoken that afternoon, briefly, which consisted of John telling me he was going to be drinking with the guys that night and travelling the following day, and so I hadn’t spoken to him in almost 48 hours by the time I pulled up at the venue with Alex and Jack to complete the final leg of the tour.
The boys and Marissa had kept me more than entertained the day before, the four of us hanging around Alex’s parents' house before three of us set off early to make it to Detroit in plenty of time. 6am flights were both heaven and hell.
“Hey, sweetheart,” John grinned from the sofa as I made my way onto the bus. I grinned back at him, happy to see him so glad to see me. It felt like it had been a while. “How was UB?”
“Amazing,” I gushed, throwing myself next to him and planting a small kiss on his lips before snuggling into his side. I was going to take this brief spell of happy John and milk it for all I could. Like I said, he’d been making snide remarks for the last two weeks, even when we'd been having a good time. “Marissa showed me literally everything she could think of. Their English department looks amazing and our campus most definitely didn’t have the library Baltimore does, but I’m so excited to actually be able to go to a library.”
“They accept you already?” He laughed, pulling me closer. He seemed just as excited for me as I had been when I told him days ago. It was a stark contrast to the boy who had hated the idea so much only two weeks ago. I tried not to think back on that particular argument.
“No, but Alex said he knows a couple people in admissions. He’s willing to call in a favour or two for me if I want,” I joked in return. I still had no intention of enrolling in Baltimore, but going back to Arizona and staying with John.
And, just like that, the easy, happy John vanished. I felt his muscles tense under me and I knew the brief happiness he’d shown wouldn’t last long. I should have known that he’d pick up on Alex and sour immediately.
“So, your best friend is already making plans for you both, huh?”
“Don’t be like that,” I groaned. “He’s my friend, he just wants to help out if he can. And I’m not even going to UB, I’m staying at home.”
“I’m not being like anything,” he snapped, pulling away from me. “I’m just saying Alex is being awfully helpful about this.”
“Stop it. You knew I was going to see him. It doesn’t mean anything. Why does it matter? It’s like you don’t trust me. I love you, I’m not going to—”
“No, you don’t.”
I paused at the interruption, unsure what he meant, until I realised what I’d said. I wanted to tell him I loved him almost since we got home, but I hadn’t found the right time. Every time it felt like it was appropriate, we got into another stupid argument. And then there was the lingering fear I’d had since before I met Alex, that when I finally told someone how I felt, I would be utterly rejected, which is exactly what was happening.
“What do you mean?” I asked, almost begging him to tell me he meant something else entirely. I wanted to curl back into him, completely ignore the way he was separating from me already. I wanted nothing more than to have told him I loved him three weeks ago when the thought first occurred to me, to save myself from my worst nightmare coming true.
“You don’t love me.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I feel.” I pushed back, my fists clenching, feeling the fear I’d always imagined beginning to overwhelm me. So, I had a complex about it. Sue me.
“Well, it’s just obvious, isn’t it? I’ve always been your second choice, Holly.”
“What is your problem? I just told you I loved you. I’ve never told anyone that.” I pushed myself up onto my feet as he scoffed at me, scowling.
“That’s right. Go run to Alex.”
“I’m not going to Alex, asshole. I’m going for a walk.” I turned on my heel, stomping out of the bus and into the cold Detroit air. I didn’t want to go far, but I had to cool off. I’d made this worse before, I wasn’t going to do it again.
I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t going to Alex, I was deliberately going to avoid Alex and my east coast friends, and so I made a beeline for the main road outside the venue, determined to hit a coffee shop and give myself a boost before I returned to the venue and got myself to work.
How did I do this? Did I call Marissa and talk it out, or would that somehow end up making it’s way back to Alex via Jack and turn into exactly what John feared? I hated the person he turned into whenever Alex was involved, somehow distrusting every move I made despite how many times I chose him over Alex. He had no reason to think I would ever go back to Alex, so why did he? I knew what I hid from him, I knew I still had feelings for Alex, but I had never done anything that would make him think I would act on those feelings, had I?
I knew I should have seen this coming from the moment Alex first apologised to me, from seeing the blasé, aloof bullshit he pulled upon hearing I didn’t hate the man. But I hadn’t even thought about it. I’d left my love sick, rose-tinted glasses on and just been in awe of everything else about him enough to forget he seemed to have this spiteful side. He was fantastic, I loved him, he looked after me, he smiled at me for no reason and it made my knees weak, but he could be a real god damn asshole.
I found my coffee shop, loaded up on caffeine and sugar and returned to the venue with no one any the wiser.

Notes

So, I've just been in hospital for a week, tested for coronavirus twice (negative, baby!), and wrote most of this on my phone with a cannula awkwardly in my elbow crease, so please excuse the shortness and any typos I've missed.
Stuff is happening, we're heading for things!