Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

Tonight... hadn’t sucked.
John still hadn’t spoken to me, and I’d avoided Alex like the plague, but the other guys had showed their faces and no one seemed to know John and I were even fighting, so everything just kept running smoothly. I had made up my mind after an hour of brooding on it that John was going to have to do some god damn grovelling to return to my good books, but that was all I’d really thought about it while work and the guys kept me busy. The one good thing about bickering for three weeks was it meant that John now just kicked up my stubborn streak instead of my pathetic, needy streak he'd carefully curated in me over the last couple of years.
It had briefly occurred to me that I was starting to see our relationship in a little bit of a jaded light, but I still felt weak in the knees when he just looked at me and smiled. I needed more of that John, not this angry boy I’d somehow created. I knew his anger was my doing, and yet I didn’t know how to rectify the damage.
“I’m sorry,” John muttered, wasting no time at the end of the show as he came straight over to the booth, pulling me into him. I wanted to push back, to tell him I didn’t want to hear it like I’d promised myself I would, but I just stood there limply. This was exactly why I’d run from Alex all those years ago; I was weak.
“You need to stop this thing with Alex,” I told him, a little half hearted and not sure I really wanted to push it given he was so open to fixing things so quickly. “If you can’t relax about him, we can’t carry on.”
“I’ll stop,” he told me. “I promise I’ll be better. I’m just scared, alright?”
“You have nothing to be scared of. Alex and me, we’ve been over for years. There’s nothing there anymore. Believe me.”
“Then why do you run to him? Every time something happens, you go straight to him, nobody else.” I groaned, pulling out of his grip as the edge returned to his voice, the way it always did when he spoke of Alex. I had no explanation for that. Something about Alex still made me feel comfortable, safe even. He listened to me, he comforted me, and he didn’t expect anything in return. Every time I was upset, he was upset for me, offering me advice and pretending not to be annoyed at my repetitive whining.
“He’s the only one who listens. The guys are your friends, they don’t wanna hear it from me. Marissa is always busy with school and I know she’d make the time, but I don’t want to drag her into it again. She doesn’t need that shit. Alex… doesn’t mind. He’ll sit and listen and tell me I’m being a brat when I’m being way worse than a brat. He gets it.”
“This is why I think you love him,” he told me, his eyes telling me it was difficult to say as he cupped my cheeks softly. “I want you, I’ve always wanted you, but you’ve always wanted him. I tricked myself into thinking you wanted me but the last few weeks you’ve been holding back again. I can tell when you’re talking to him because your entire face lights up and I wish it would do that for me.” I felt him rub my cheek with his thumb, brushing away the tears I barely knew I was shedding, knowing where this conversation was headed now. Had I pushed it too far with my hesitation alone? “And then you told me you loved me today and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I’m not telling you exactly what you feel for me, I know you do love me a little, but you love him a whole lot more. I wish you didn’t, but you do.” He pushed a small kiss to my forehead and I felt my knees starting to grow weak. “I love you, Holly, but even I know this isn’t working.”
“John…”
“It’s okay,” he told me, letting go of me and backing off a few steps. “All I want is for you to be happy. I’m not going to be a dick about it. Go see Alex. Vent it out, but you’ll realise I’m right sooner or later.” I watched him leave, my chest forming a small ache as I wanted to reach out for him.
The back of my head, however, was telling me to go talk to Alex. It felt like an innocent want, but John’s words echoed in my head as I realised just how bad it was, that all I wanted was to confide in my ex-boyfriend. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I grabbed for it, unlocking the screen and doing my best not to look at the picture of John and I that I had set as my background. I gave in, glancing at the stupid background, his stupid Santa outfit that had his chest bared and my grinning face as he kissed me. The ache in my chest grew a little more intense and I immediately pulled up my texts.
We are getting wasted on the bus. You and O’Callaghan should join.
Just me. Beer is super needed. Cool one off for me – I’ll be there in a couple!
I shoved my phone back into my pocket, pulling out a box of cigarettes from my front pocket and making my way outside. I didn’t need this shit right now. I inhaled deeply as I lit up, immediately relaxing back into the wall behind me. I wanted to hide in a corner and continue smoking until I was all out. I knew I couldn’t, but stress-smoking was currently my biggest vice.
I have a lot of beer and I’m ready to listen.
My heart fluttered, temporarily relieving the ache, until a wave of guilt washed over me. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know if it was because John had left me or because he was right to do it. I hated myself more than I had hated myself in years.
I can’t face it. I’m outside, come find me.
I felt like crying as I stubbed out the cigarette, letting out the final breath of smoke. The intent of the cigarette was to calm me and yet, somehow, I had managed the opposite.
“You smell gross,” Alex laughed as he saw me, two bottles of beer in his hand. “Did you smoke?”
“I stress smoke now, fuck off,” I laughed back. The fluttering-come-nausea returning as I looked at his grinning face.
“Whatcha stressed about?” He asked, handing me one of the bottles as he sank down onto the floor. I copied him, stretching my legs out in front of me. I sighed, not knowing what to say. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want. I’m just trying to wean you off those cigarettes.” I laughed lightly, taking a drink and allowing myself to open up to him once more.
“John broke up with me.”
“Shit,” he hissed. “I’m so sorry, Holly. Are you okay?”
“No,” I snorted. “I told him I loved him and he broke up with me.”
“Karma’s a bitch,” he smirked. I rolled my eyes, hitting him lightly as he chose humour to ease me. I wanted to be angry about his remark, but I couldn’t help but laugh. He knew just what to say to make me feel better.
“I want to say I didn’t cheat on anyone to deserve it, but that would depend on your definition.”
“What does he think you did?” I shrugged, not sure how to begin.
“Love you.” I heard him choke on his beer, but I looked up at the sky instead, trying to see if I could see the faint glow of the stars. Half of me wanted to deal with this head on, but the other half of me didn’t want to ever think about it. I wanted to go back to before I’d ever come on this tour, to when John and I were just friends and we were happy with everything we had going on. It should never have worked out this way.
“Well, he’s obviously wrong. It’s been forever.” I shrugged once more, not daring to look at him. What did I say? Of course, I’d never stopped loving Alex, and I didn’t think I ever would stop, but I had been on my way to loving John more. I had thought that was all that mattered. “… Hols?”
“What does it matter, Alex?” I sighed.
“You said you were over me.” I felt an underlying accusation in his words and I tried not to cringe. I didn’t think he was trying to accuse me of anything, but I could hear it in the tone of his voice. I felt like all my friends did right now was accuse me of shit. In the last two months, I’d fucked up more than I had in the last two years. I wanted this all to be over.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be over you,” I admitted. “I think I’ll always love you, even if it’s only a little.”
“So, this whole ‘being friends’ thing, it was a game?”
“No!” I turned my attention to him fully as my eyes widened. I didn’t want him to think that this was something sinister. I couldn’t lose both of these guys in one night; I couldn’t bear to. “I was moving on, but I still wanted you in my life. This was just about being your friend. I thought we owed that to each other.”
“I get why Jack was so pissed with us now,” he sighed after a few moments of silence. He rubbed his face, trying to let out a little of the tension. “We try and be friends and it just fucks everyone over. If I’d just left you alone, you’d still be with John.”
“I should just go back home, reapply for ASU and act like the last two years never happened.” Pity Party, population me.
“No, you should definitely come home,” he said, shaking his head. “I just think we should take some space. This isn’t good, for either of us.” I smiled sadly but couldn’t bring myself to disagree. This was too much. Way too much.
“Is it weird to ask to hitch a ride with you guys tonight? I think I should go see my parents and work some shit out.”
“Come on,” he said, standing up and offering me his hands, his now empty beer bottle set on the ground where he had been sat. I finished my own drink before allowing him to pull me to my feet.

Notes

I've been meaning to update this for like... a week. Whoops.