Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

I was grateful for the sun the next morning. Marissa had picked me up around ten to glorious, if chilly, sunshine. She was in a super chirpy mood, which she insisted was because I was here, though I made some rather crude jokes about Jack I wouldn’t repeat to anyone other than her. She seemed ecstatic, honestly, that I was here and making my jokes at her expense, and I had to question why on earth I had chosen to leave her in the first place. If nothing else, I always had Marissa and she was always happy to see me, even when she hated me and disagreed with every choice I made.
We had spent an hour in her Psych class and, even though I could only understand half of what was being said, the discussion with her professor afterwards was incredible. I was still focusing on the literary side of things, but I could see how my dad had spent so much of his life dealing with this shit. It was almost time for lunch, having also been down to the English department to look at my options there, but Marissa insisted we take one last detour through the library.
“Holy fuck, this place is huge,” I gasped as she opened the door for me. I ignored the glares shot at me for both my language and my volume, but I ignored them. This place was huge and Marissa knew that by bringing me here, I’d want to fucking stay. She was sneaky as shit and she thought I couldn’t see it. She grinned widely at my reaction, obviously the one she had been looking for.
“Right? And you haven’t even seen the literature in this place,” she responded, her enthusiasm seeping into every syllable.
“Stop it,” I warned.
“Stop what?” She asked, feigning innocence and attempting to quash her grin into something vaguely less suspicious looking.
“Stop trying to convince me to come home when you know I’m staying in Arizona,” I replied, pushing straight to the point. She paused for a second, as if she hadn’t expected me to be so blunt, before shrugging and regaining her confidence.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jasey.”
“Sure, you don’t.” She grinned at me again, before leading me further into the room to show me her highlights.
“Oh, shit!” She hissed almost a half hour later, pulling her vibrating phone from her pocket, Jack’s name filling her screen. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she said hurriedly into the handset, beginning to rush from the building, as I almost tripped over myself trying to keep up with her. She continued to talk to Jack, promising she was on her way and so forth. “I’m so sorry, Jase,” she told me as she hung up and the cold air hit us. “I’m supposed to have lunch with Jack and I ran out of time.”
“Hey, don’t worry about me, you guys only get so much time together,” I shrugged. “I’ll call my mom for a ride or just hang out until you’re done.” I wasn’t lying, and I definitely didn’t mind. If the last 18 months of John and the guys touring told me anything, it was that you took the time you could get and it was very little, even when you considered how much I went away with them.
“No, I’ve got you a ride, don’t sweat it.” I hesitated, raising an eyebrow at her even though she wasn’t looking at me.
“Alex?” I asked after a pause.
“I mean, you guys are friends and he was nearby so I figured it made sense,” she said, finally slowing her pace as she neared where her car was parked. I thought back to John and his deep-seated distrust of Alex, of us being alone together, and something in me said that for that reason alone I shouldn’t go, but… it was just a ride, right? He lived next door, he was nearby and it was nothing to worry about. It’s not like I was going to forget myself and just fucking pounce on him in the front seat of his car in the half hour it would take us to get back to the house. “I can make something up and say you’re hanging around if you want.”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “It’s fine, I’m just only just getting used to the two of us being on fucking reasonable terms, you know?” She nodded, seeming to understand what I was saying.
It didn’t take us long to find Jack and Alex, his reason for being nearby apparently being giving Jack a ride as he jumped out of the passenger side of Alex’s car the moment we neared, leaving the door open for me. I held back a sigh, checking my phone briefly to see I didn’t have anything waiting from John, before hugging Marissa goodbye and climbing into the car. He smiled widely at me as I shut the door behind me and I returned the gesture. I felt the need to open my phone again, distract myself from him and the way my insides insisted upon fluttering when he smiled, but held myself back. I didn’t need my John crutch to get me through this ride home, not least because I knew this weird little triangle annoyed us all.
“So, how’s your mom?” He asked as he pulled away from our friends. I tried not to laugh at the awkward small talk, leaning back in my chair and relaxing as I realised this was as awkward for him as it was for me. We were still finding our feet as friends, I guess.
“No matter how much you tell me I’m being the asshole, she started it.” He laughed a little from the driver’s seat and I couldn’t help but smile. “How was your date?” I asked, without thinking. I wasn’t trying to pry, just returning the small talk.
“Alright,” he shrugged. “Not mind blowing, not disastrous.”
“I don’t know whether to say ‘good’ or to give you sympathy,” I replied honestly. Both responses felt wrong, especially ‘good’ as it felt like saying ‘I’m glad your date wasn’t amazing’.
“Neither. Shit happens.” I nodded, falling into silence and already feeling much more comfortable. “Hey, how about we grab something to eat? I’m starving and your mom is apparently still an asshole.”
“Anything to keep me out of the house,” I told him, not hesitating to accept. “I’ve been wandering around pouting and moping and doing nothing but whining at John and Marissa about how bored I am.”Alex turned to head further into the city rather than toward home as we hit the next junction and I relaxed back into my seat, once again hit by the familiarity and nostalgia I had had last time I’d visited. I knew it wasn’t all based on Alex (I mean, come on, I had 18 years of this place before I met him), and for that I was grateful. I liked to bask in some of the nostalgia I felt, it was harmless enough and I needed to occasionally remind myself I had a life outside of John and his – our – friends.
I bought Alex and I our drinks and a sandwich each when we finally made it to some coffee shop in the city, something I’d been forced to argue with him over for a good five minutes before he’d relented, finally agreeing to call it gas money for giving me a ride home.
I felt good.
For the first time in I don’t know how many years, I felt like I was heading toward something fruitful, and I finally had all my friends by my side again. It was fantastic. My arguments with John aside, I hadn’t felt this secure in my situation since senior year, like I knew what I had and was determined to keep a hold of it all.
Alex and chatted through my elated mood for a while, catching up on the inane nonsense we hadn’t brought up on tour, all the small things that hadn’t seemed important but were hilarious suddenly now, until he brought up John and I couldn’t bring myself to lie.
“It’s not going as well as I thought it would,” I admitted, gnawing my lip as I looked at him. “I don’t think I’ve had this many passive aggressive arguments in my life. It’s like… we should be working so well, because we were friends for years, we know each other’s flaws and we loved each other anyway.” I watched him gulp lightly as I said I loved John but tried my best not to acknowledge it. “But, basically, all we did was ignore each other’s flaws, because they weren’t relevant to our friendship. And, now, we can see all our issues laid bare and it’s not going well.” I rubbed the cup containing my now cold coffee between my hands, not sure what else to say. I knew I shouldn’t be laying my issues with John on Alex but, he was so happy to listen to me, he seemed to care. I didn’t have anyone back home who was this open to listen to my issues with John. They were all his friends. It hadn’t taken much for me to spill it all out to him, but that seemed irrelevant now.
“Maybe that’s the problem,” he replied after a moment or two of silence. “You’re both fixated on what you expected this to me and now what it is. I’m sure once you get the hang of the new dynamic, you’ll be perfect.”
“I should just get a dog,” I sighed, rubbing my eyes and frowning. “My life would be so much easier if I just got a fucking puppy instead of doing this relationship thing.”
“That’s how people end up with fifty cats,” he laughed in reply. “You get a dog because they have energy and you have love.”
“Ugh, you don’t even have a dog, Alex. Don’t get on your high horse with me for wanting a puppy not a boyfriend.” I pouted at him and he laughed once again. I was beyond glad we had side tracked from the serious, showing just how easily we relaxed and laughed together.
“I’d have a dog if I wasn’t away so much,” he shrugged. “I have the love to give.”
“I’m going to enrol here just so I can look after your dog while you’re away,” I joked. “I’ll leave my boyfriend and just spoil your dog.”
“How did this go from you telling me I don’t even have a dog, to you moving back here to look after my non existent dog?” I shrugged, grinning at him anyway. “You’re a fucking joke, Holly. You’re not looking after my non existent dog.”

Notes

Hey, look, I'm alive!
This took me like a million years and I can't promise the next update won't take the same, despite the fact half of it has been written for like a year.
You all have infinite patience, thank you.