Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

After catching up for a couple of hours, including Jack coming over for a little while, I finally managed to say goodbye to the boys I’d known as a teenager and finish setting up the booth in time for tonight’s show. Jack had assured me that Alex was cooped up in his bunk sulking, so I’d taken the time as my chance to finally get my work completed without further argument. Apparently, the boys had had their sound check when I was originally setting up my booth, which is why Jack and Alex had both stumbled across me so quickly and Rian and Zack had been informed so swiftly. Marissa had called me during the catch up and, in the end, I’d put her on speakerphone to join in the conversation fully. The boys of The Maine had joined us for a little while and I’d introduced everyone properly, however they all soon left me to catch up with my old best friends. Aside from anecdotes that made no sense without him, no one mentioned Alex to me during the time we were reminiscing, nor did I tell them about just how utterly broken he had left me.
I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky to have two incredible sets of boys who would do anything to keep me smiling.
As it was, I’d been in the booth an hour and things were finally starting to die down. I honestly couldn’t remember the booth being this busy over the summer, but now I was being hounded by teenagers after t-shirts and I was struggling to keep up. Admittedly, I hadn’t been as busy as some of the other booths, but they had two people manning them, and The Maine only had little old me. The longer the night went on, the less people I had kicking about the booth, but the more conversation I got out of them. Generally, the girls were fabulously understanding and spoke to me like a person, rather than overtly using me as a free pass to John and the guys. I’d heard a couple of remarks about my tan and my overly bleached hair and laughed them off. I admit, to teenage me, I would have assumed it all to be fake too, but I honestly enjoyed the way the sun had changed up my look. My pale skin and dirty blonde hair were, honestly, trade mark Jasey, but this was Holly. We weren’t the same girl.
I heard the first notes of Girls Do What They Want strike up and bid farewell to the remaining fans I’d been talking to, throwing myself back in my seat to relax finally now that they’d all left. I pulled my phone from my pocket, having felt it vibrate a few times while I’d been working and finally getting the chance to check it now. I positioned myself so I could still see the guys playing comfortably, before I settled back into my chair to respond to whatever messages I’d received. Unsurprisingly, I had five text messages from Marissa, gushing about anything she could think of that had happened in the last two years. Holy fuck, I loved this girl. She was even making sure I’d kept up to date on Grey’s Anatomy drama (I had. Alex had hated my love of McDreamy, but Marissa and I had always watched it on a night when the boys weren’t around and gushed about him). I missed our random, late-night discussion on the sofa with ice cream and candy.
“So, this next song, is about when you’re trying to breach the gap between just friends and something more; about trying to convince your best friend you’re in love with her while she’s in love with some asshole you’ve never met. This is Undressing the Words.” I looked up from my phone at John’s words, seeing him looking right at me before the song started. I never got used to hearing this song, written for me at some point after we’d slept together. I honestly felt guilty at the thought of it. It wasn’t cruel to me, but it made me realise just how the stupid, drunk me had been cruel to him. We’d only known each other a few months at this point, but I was as close to him then as I had been to Jack when I’d left Baltimore and I’d basically used him to try and convince myself I was over Alex.
Sweetheart, I’m sorry, but you’re not the first.
From what I’d heard, most girls assumed John had said that to the girl in question, but it had been me the next morning. It was the first time he’d really heard about Alex. Before that day, I’d just told them all I needed to get away and that’s why I’d moved to Arizona. That morning, as John told me he loved me, I’d told him all about Alex. About how there was a boy in Baltimore who had claimed to love me too, that I was still in love with him, that he wasn’t the first guy to claim to love me, and I’d already given everything I had to the other boy. It wasn’t a hugely sweet song, and I’m sure if it had been written about anyone else I would have adored just how open he was about his feelings but, a year and a half on, I still felt guilty about the events that had led to it.
I knew John understood the way the song made me feel, but he loved to play it. I’m sure it had terrible feelings attached to it for him too, but it was a genuinely good song, and I didn’t mind how much he played it. It was good to know that someone had cared about me at some point. I stuck my nose back in my phone as Marissa responded to my text message, smile lighting up my face. I spent the next couple of hours in the same position, talking to Marissa via text message and serving the occasional person, only looking up if there was a particular song I enjoyed that the band was playing. I half thought about convincing someone to take over the booth when All Time Low played, but as soon as I saw the boys coming on stage and leaping straight into Dear Maria, I knew I couldn’t leave. Ignoring Alex and my feelings for him, I was so proud of everything they had accomplished in the last couple of years. Jack had always been, and will always be, my best friend, so I remained in my seat, watching the four boys in awe. The way he and Alex interacted on stage still hadn’t changed, nor had Jack’s abundance of dick jokes, and I couldn’t help but laugh at them.
I’ll admit I watched Alex carefully. He didn’t seem outwardly upset anymore, but he also didn’t seem like the same happy, outgoing boy he’d been in High School. I couldn’t tell if this was just how he was now, or if he was still angry from earlier. For everything he’d done, I never wanted Alex to be upset over me. Sure, I’d wished pain on him more than once in the last couple of years, but as soon as the moment passed and my anger faded, I realised that I would never want to see him in pain. I saw him looking in my direction more than once during his set, but quickly looked back down at my phone every time he did so. I didn’t want to give him the impression I still cared.
“This is our last song of the night,” Alex said, finally. “It’s kind of old, but for some reason, you guys seem to absolutely love it. We had a couple of backstage arguments about playing this tonight, but I eventually beat Jack down and told him you guys would hate us if we didn’t play it. You all know the words; this is Jasey Rae.” I felt my phone slip through my fingers at his words. I looked up at the boys on stage, seeing Jack shoot a look at Alex, who merely smirked in my direction. I knew why Jack had argued with him about this. He knew better than anyone that I didn’t want to be reminded of my relationship with Alex, though it seemed that was what Alex was determined to do. He seemed like he wanted to make me remember the pain and the seven months of lies.
Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes. Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.
I began to feel sick. Images of the rain on the windscreen filling my mind as Alex cleaned his conscience and told me what he’d done. This wasn’t about me, this was about what he’d done to me. This was him telling everyone that he had finally conquered Jasey Rae.
Don’t make this easy, I want you to mean it. Jasey, say you mean it. You’re dressed to kill; I’m calling you out. Don’t waste your time on me.
The feeling of nausea in my stomach intensified and I felt like I was going to physically be sick at any second. I couldn’t tell if he was mocking me or flaunting his own victory over me. ‘Don’t waste your time on me’? Wasn’t that what he’d told me from the beginning? Why hadn’t I listened? Not just to him, but to everyone? Jack had told me from the day I’d met him to never get myself involved with Alex Gaskarth, and that’s exactly what I’d gone and done and it had destroyed me. I raised my hand to my mouth, trying to push the bile back down my throat.
I’ve never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I’ve never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I’ve never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control. Call me a name, kill me with words; forget about me, it’s what I deserve.
The sickness began to dissipate as he continued to sing, slowly being replaced with anger. The entire verse was filled with words to make me pity him, but I didn’t. I’d never expected Alex to regret what he’d done, except in how it had affected his relationship with his friends. And so I didn’t believe a word of it. He had no sense of what he’d done to me, clearly. He thought me shouting at him would make this all go away? That I would get over it from bitching him out?
I was your chance to get out of this town, but I ditched the car and left you to wait outside. I hope the air will serve to remind you that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in your chest.
I finally regained enough of my motor function to snatch my phone from the floor. Scratch any anger I had ever felt before in my life, it never compared to this. This open confession of his lies and the way he’d led me on. He knew what he was doing from that very first day. He set me up perfectly from that very first flirtation, right through to drunkenly telling me he loved me in Vegas, culminating in destroying me with Jodie. Had I known Alex any less, I would have guessed he’d included Jodie on his planning, but even I knew Alex couldn’t stand to be around her for more than a few minutes. Well, not in conversation at least. Then again, clearly I knew nothing about Alex Gaskarth. I had never anticipated the way he would end our relationship, and I had always believed every word he’d told me. I fell for him and his lies hook, line and sinker, and it was that boy that I was in love with. This person in front of me wasn’t who I had thought he was.
I watched as the boys finished the song, running from the stage to the cheers of a thousand teenage girls and scowled at the back of their heads. If they only knew what he’d done, surely they wouldn’t idolise him this way. Jack, Rian and Zack, without a doubt, deserved this life and everything they’d achieved, but Alex didn’t deserve the recognition he’d obtained through my name and my pain.
I shoved my phone in my pocket, plastering a smile on my face and beginning to serve customers once more.

Notes