Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

It had been two weeks since my talk with Marissa, and I had somehow made it all the way back home without a hitch.
Well, I say without a hitch, none since I had broken the news of my impending travel plans to John. As predicted, it hadn’t gone over well. It started with a handful of cross words, John unable to understand why I was leaving to ‘return to Alex, of all people’ and me unable to explain my motivations – college, a life outside of his band, my own aspirations – without making him angrier. And then, of course, the argument kicked up a notch.
“I don’t have anything here outside of you and the guys!” I had moaned pitifully. “I don’t have anywhere I can make new friends that you don’t already know and it’s not like your family even like me.”
“So what? What’s so bad about having the same friends? And my mom fucking hates you, but it’s not like you make an effort with her either.” I had stopped then for a moment, staring at him as he admitted to everything I had convinced myself he didn’t know, to my biggest cause of concern in this entire place, and the fact he hadn’t done a thing about it.
“So, all this time, you knew?” I asked slowly. “You knew that she couldn’t stand me, that she made me feel unwelcome wherever I went?”
“Of course I knew!” I remembered him huffing, frustrated by god only knew what, but frustrated nonetheless. “She’s not subtle and neither are you. But then, I guess she’s not Alex’s mom, I guess you don’t want to catch up over coffee because my family is so fucking unimportant.”
“Isobel gave me a chance. She took the time to fucking speak to me instead of taking one look at me and deciding I was fucking… scum or something.”
It had continued on that thread for a while. I may have said some not-very-nice things about his mother, and he may have said some not-very-nice things about me until we hit the point where he left in a huff. As it turned out, he went to go see the guys and got a telling off from Kennedy (mostly) until he came back a few hours later with an apology. I mean, I apologised too, but my stubborn streak kicked in the moment he left my apartment so there was no way I was going to apologise first. And, while he did apologise and listen to my reasoning, that didn’t mean he was happy about it and it didn’t stop him from making digs about it for the remainder of my two weeks at home. It was beginning to get exhausting.
Alex had also been back in touch. About a week after I had called him (I still didn’t know what I’d said), he text me to check in, but hadn’t mentioned a word about that night. We spoke most days via text, if just once or twice, and I hadn’t told him I was on my way back east. I was staying with my parents, sure, but I wasn’t planning on being in the house much these three days and when I was here, I was planning on being inside, so I doubted I’d see him. Besides, I was sure one of the guys had told him I was coming at least in passing.
“Jesus, mom, I’m fine,” I whined. I had been in the house two hours and I was genuinely feeling claustrophobic as fuck. My plan of ‘staying inside’ was really becoming difficult. I couldn’t wait for the chance to sneak off and go to bed, or for tomorrow when I’d be out with Marissa all day.
“Well, I’m just saying you have that face on again and that was never a good sign,” she sighed in response. I scowled, not sure what the hell that was supposed to mean. I told you, I liked her much better from Arizona. She’d been at this for about 90 minutes, having started off my visit by telling me I looked ill and continuing on that thread for half an hour until I told her I was fine and made her a coffee to shut her up. Of course, then she started telling me it was just my face and that’s how the remainder of my time here had gone. The last time I’d been here, the cold had been a nostalgic focal point, now it was just something keeping me indoors.
I needed a smoke, but I’d been overly optimistic about my time here and hadn’t picked any up on my way to or from the airport. Calling it ‘stress smoking’ felt redundant nowadays, as either I was always stressed or my habit had surpassed that benchmark, but right now it was definitely a stress reflex. I needed to quit or something, but John didn’t exactly help by consistently having at least half a pack in his pocket.
I looked out the window, seeing Alex’s car now outside his parents’ house and figuring that meant he was in for the night. I hadn’t seen him or his car all day, and now it was gone 6pm I could pretty much guarantee he was in and done. That was the thing about a long day out: you came home, you crawled onto the sofa and you fucking chilled. It was the kind of thing you could bet on.
“I’m going for a walk,” I told her. It was dark out, so I figured I could easily hide my whereabouts, what direction I was going to take off in, all that crap. She opened her mouth to protest, but closed it again promptly, simply telling me she’d be in bed for 10 and to return before then if I wanted back in for the night. I shrugged it off, taking it as her having grown to accept that living away from her meant I held my own curfew.
I threw my jacket on, figuring I’d take a walk around the block and set off in the opposite direction of Alex’s house. This was the path I had always taken to Jack’s on a Saturday in middle school when we wanted to hang out eating fast food and couldn’t drive. I’d walk to his, then force him to walk with me to find whatever it was I demanded that day. Marissa could never join me, the situation with her parents meaning she spent weekends at home, doing housework or whatever, until she hit her rebellion at 16 and started sneaking out to parties with me. I hadn’t tried hard enough for her in our younger years, and I still thought about it a lot, but I was just glad I got her out of there the moment I could. It’s the only reason dad let me leave when I did, the only reason he’d co-signed the lease for us.
I shook my head, clearing the thoughts from my mind and trying not to dwell on drunken revelations, confidences I’d never told another living human after she’d told me. She was happy now, I’d never seen her so happy, so it didn’t make a difference anymore.
I made it twenty minutes before I stopped following my feet, which had somehow taken me to the local convenience store. I bit my lip, debating if I really thought I needed a smoke that much. I was dwelling on the bad in the past, which put me in a fouler mood than I was in at home, but I was just riling myself up no apparent reason and it was probably to do with the half a thought I’d had about quitting an hour ago. I went inside regardless, picking up some sort of candy that would put me on a sugar high in no time flat and ignoring my bad habit staring me in the face. I’d never smoked at home before, so I guess my current nicotine craving was leaving my nostalgia a little perplexed.
I threw myself into the swinging bench, grateful my dad oiled the thing regularly so my mom didn’t hear me rocking myself backwards and forwards in the dark. I didn’t know how long I sat out there, just that my fingers were starting to go numb when I heard the door to Alex’s house open. I half hoped it was Isobel, so I could either gossip with her or slink back into the shadows, but Alex began making his way down the drive instead. So much for once you were in past six, you were in for the night.
“Hot date?” I called, looking over Alex’s carefully ironed outfit and painstakingly styled hair. I knew it was a date, I knew that’s how he looked when he wanted to make an effort, but what else did I say? I didn’t want to skulk around in the shadows of my parents’ house, knowing where he was off to and not saying anything about it. Basically, I didn’t want to know what he was up to and him not know I knew. Does that make sense? I don’t know. I ignored the jealous feeling in my stomach, trying to remind myself of John and our relationship without thinking of all the arguments we’d been having.
“That depends,” he replied, making his way over from his car to me. I could see him trying not to run his hand through his hair and simply wanted to laugh and ruin it all for him anyway. “What are you lurking in the dark for?”
“Mom’s being a pain in the ass,” I shrugged. “And, you’d think, being a shrink, my dad would see the bullshit his wife pulls on me, but he’s too busy watching some 70s crap on TV.” Alex raised his eyebrows at me, a small smile pulling at the side of his lips.
“You’re being an asshole again, Rae.” I scowled at him, not willing to admit he was right.
“How does your date tonight depend on any of this?” I snapped.
“It doesn’t,” he shrugged. “I just wanted to know what was so wrong that you were sat on your parents’ porch in the middle of November with the thinnest fucking jacket I’ve seen in my life.”
“Anyone I know?” I asked, doing my best to keep off the topic of mom and I. Okay, so, maybe I was also being a little nosy. Sue me.
“Uh, yeah, actually. Cammy.” I froze, my eyes widening as he so casually told me he was going on a date with one of my high school friends. My least favourite of my high school friends, but still.
“That’s, uh, that’s great. Hope you have fun.”
“I’m just fucking with you,” he told me, laughing loudly. “I just wanted to see what you’d say. It’s just some girl I met in Baltimore a couple weeks ago. I don’t think you’d know her.”
“Now who’s being an asshole?”
“Me,” he grinned. “But it was worth it.” I felt myself returning his grin, unable to stop myself, the way I always did. My phone began to buzz on the bench next to me, John’s face filling my screen.
“I should get this,” I told him, my grin falling into a smile, but not completely disappearing.
“John?”
“No, no,” I replied, shaking my head. “Just Marissa. But you should get going anyway. You don’t wanna be late.” I didn’t know why I was lying to him, denying John’s involvement in my life as he himself went off on a date with another girl.
“Alright, well, don’t stay out here much longer. Talk to Maria, and then go pretend your mom doesn’t make you wanna tear your hair out, okay?” I nodded, grinning once more at his words as he turned to leave.
“Oh, Alex, since we’re giving advice, remember not to put out on the first date. Girls won’t buy the cow when they’re getting the milk for free.”
“Fuck off, Hol,” he laughed, not turning back to look at me as I offered my joking advice. “You put out before the first date.”
“And nobody’s bought the fucking cow yet!” I called as he got farther away. I heard him laugh again, waving his arm in goodbye as he got to his car and I picked up my still ringing phone.

Notes

Honestly, this has been written since like September, but I haven't had any motivation to post it because it feels like this site is just broken and dead.
I'm trying though.