VOID (reposted)

ALEX’S POV

The moon glares through the windows of the car, it's beams shining directly on me. Or maybe I'm just too conceited. Or guilty. Technically, I have nothing to be guilty about. Concerts get cancelled all the time. And we will make it up to them, eventually. No, maybe I was guilty about something else. Maybe the lump in my throat was from hurting someone I really cared about rather than just a random fan. Truthfully, I probably love Lisa as much as I do a random fan right now. I care, just not enough to keep my promises.

I haven't really done anything wrong. All I did was flirt a little bit with Lennon, and that was mainly because I felt bad about having to hitch a ride from her and her friend. The rest was just being friendly. A friendly Alex is a flirty Alex. I don't make the rules, that's just how it is. Lisa would still probably be jealous if she were here, but would I care? No. Would I take her seriously when she ask me to stop? That's a question I can't answer so easily.

I promised her I wouldn't fuck up our relationship anymore than I already have. I wrote her a dozen songs, called her hundreds of times, and gave her thousands of flowers because I loved her and thought I couldn't live without her. But in reality, I've been living without her for the majority of 3 years while i'm away on tour. And I lived without her fine all those times we broke up too.

I'm not the only one who messed up in the relationship either. We’ve both done damage to each other, and it’s why we seemed so perfect for each other. But we're not. I'm tired of fighting every time I have to leave for tour, and facing interrogation every time I come home (not to say I don't deserve it). We made an agreement this time that she would come and visit every three weeks, but what if I can't hold out that long? What if I fall in love with some other prettier, more interesting girl for a night? What if that girl was-

“Yo, earth to Alex!” Jack yelled, interrupting my thoughts. I focused my gaze away from the moon onto his fingers, which were waving sporadically in front of my face. “What?” I snapped, pushing his dirty hand away. “Jeez, we’re here,” he said, looking at me concerned. In fact, the whole car was looking at me like I was crazy. I sighed.“Sorry I just….zoned out.” I duck my head and quickly hopped out of the car, not wanting to face anyone right now.

We walk into the hotel in silence. Jack mentioned something about the party being moved inside because of the rain, and people finally began talking. I was still lost in my thoughts about Lisa. Someone nudged my shoulder. “You good?” Lennon asked. “Yeah,” I say, hesitant for a minute because i'm shocked at the fact she's even talking to me. Things seemed cool when I ran into her backstage, but now it's as if I called her a groupie all over again. I don't know, maybe it's just a girl thing. “Good, because this is really important to Charlotte. You guys are her idols, and I would hate for you to end up being that typical ‘famous guy who's a jerk to fans’”, she looked at me seriously. “I got it,” I said defensively, “and just for the record, I'm not a stereotype. I'm a real person with real problems.” “Well forget about them.”

I stopped in my tracks, as her statement really sunk in. Forget about them. Forget about Lisa. Lennon stopped and turned to face me. “It is a party after all, right?” she asked. From the way she was looking at me, it was almost as if she could read my thoughts. Like she was telling me to forget Lisa. Or again, maybe it was just my guilty conscience. Yeah, probably that. “Maybe I will,” I said quietly. A small voice in the back of my brain screamed that this was wrong, that I still had more to give to Lisa. But I ignored it. At least for tonight, I am a free man.

We stopped at the end of the hallway in front of a door marked suite 303. I make a mental note of the number just in case any of us get too drunk to function and end up lost. Jack knocks on the door, and it opens. There's no person behind it. The door just opens automatically, like magic. This is a party full of fucking sorcerers.

Jack walks up to someone he seems to know. “Hey have you seen Dani?” he asked. I don’t know who she is, but I've heard Jack talk about hanging out with her a lot. Apparently she’s an actress, lives out here in LA. They're not dating or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if he'd fucked her. “Uhh no, she's probably knee deep in tequila shots right now,” the guy laughed. “Okay, I'll go look for her.” Jack took off into the crowd.

The rest of us just stand around, not sure where to start. The condensed pack of people pays no attention to us newcomers. I turn to Zack and Rian for answers, but they just shrug. The girls have wandered off to find drinks, which doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea. “Actually, Alex can I talk to you for a minute?” Rian says as I start to leave. He has his eyebrows raised, and is giving me that stern Rian look that guarantees i'm in trouble. “Yes, dad, whatsup?” I sigh sarcastically. “One, I told you not to call me daddy, two, I know you were flirting with that girl.” “One, I called you dad not daddy, and two I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said nonchalantly.

“Oh really?” Rian said. He seemed pretty annoyed, like he could deck me right now on the spot. “Rian you know I flirt with everyone! This is stupid,” I said. “You used to flirt with everyone. But you promised Lisa you'd stop that,” Rian says through his teeth. “Why do you care so much, huh? Are you screwing her too?” The words fly out of my mouth before I can even think about what i'm saying.

Rian steps back and looks at me, appalled at my accusation. “No man...i’m just saying maybe you should be a little bit more considerate this time around. At least try and remember that she exist.” I know he’s not wrong, but I can still feel my face heat up in anger and embarrassment. It's one thing to beat yourself up over the fact that you're a bad boyfriend, but to hear it from your own best friend? That stings. “I’ll start remembering she exist, once I get something to remember. Until then, i'll flirt with whoever the fuck I wanna flirt with!”

“Wow,” I heard Jack reply. I look over to my left where he’s standing in shock with a girl on his arm, who was also in shock. Shit, I just can’t avoid causing a scene can I?
“Um, guys this is Dani, Dani this is Rian and the flirtatious Alex,” Jack jokes as he introduces the girl. I shake her hand and laugh, but it quickly gets caught in my throat when I see her face. “Stella?” I choke out. “What, no her name’s DAN-E,” Jack said, pronouncing the name for me to hear.

Stella -or- “Dani” looks down at her feet, trying to hide her smug expression. She glances up at me through her tiny blue eyes. God, that stare used to have me hooked for weeks. Now it’s just old, but good. Like a vinyl record of some mediocre band. “No, this is Stella,” I repeat to Jack slowly. My eyes continue to shift over to her as she starts to squirm. “Dude this is Dani, my friend, the one who runs this party! Tell him Dani,” he says to the blonde girl. “Dude, this is Stella! Remember? The girl I went out with for like, months, back in ‘08?! She was friends with the Duff sisters!”

“Wait what?” Jack ask. Charlotte and Lennon slide up behind me, drawn in by the scene. “Bro there’s no way-” he pauses and takes a look at her face. Though she’s since traded her brunette locks for dirty blonde, and apparently changed her name, she was still the same girl. “Holy shit you are the girl who almost broke up the band!” Jack yelled when he finally got it. “Really?” Charlotte piped in, looking about ready to fight her at this news. “Yeah, luckily Alex came to his senses before it was too late. Why’d you lie to me?” Jack asked solemnly. “I didn't lie, you just didn't recognize me! My real name is Daniella, as Alex should remember, Stella was just a stage name!” the girl yelled, against us.

“Wait, is this the Stella? The, stella won't you take me hoooome Stella?” Charlotte asks, singing the lyrics to one of our songs. “Yes, this is the Stella, track #5 off of Nothing Personal, I wrote it about her!” I yelled, starting to get fed up. This is starting to sound like the ‘Hollywood Reporter’ all over again. “The tabloids were right! I knew you wrote that song about me!” Dani shouted spitefully. “Tabloids...wait...you said she knew the Duff sisters.. oh my god you totally are the girl he dated in 2008! Sick Little Games was about her too, I called it!” Charlotte boast. I can just make out Dani’s blush in the dark lighting.

“Yikes, i’m sorry about this trainwreck,” Jack remarks loudly. Everyone tries to laugh, but it’s just too awkward. Even I want to hide under a table. Lisa was the only girl I ever told when I wrote songs about her, because I would always play them for her. I thought she’d always be around, so there should be no secrets between us. This just feels wrong, and exposing.

There’s a long pause in the air, with everyone taking in what they just learned. “Oh, wow look at you guys, did you get soaked?” Dani eventually breaks the silence with the obvious. “Yeah we uh, got caught in the rain,” Jack speaks up. “Here,” Dani gives us two room keys. “I have some spare clothes for the ladies and my fiance should have something for you guys.” “Fiance?” I raise my eyebrows. “Yes, Alex, im engaged. What did you think I was gonna stay hooked on you forever?” Jack and the girls try and suppress their laughter as I stand dumbfounded. I want to make some witty comeback, but she’s already walked off.

Jack blatantly laughs in my face when she’s gone. I flip him off as we walk to the hotel rooms Dani gave us. “Um guys there’s a problem. She only gave us two room keys.” Everyone stares at each other. “I’ll share a room with Jack!” Charlotte shouts, grabbing his arm. Jack just shrugs at me and smiles. I look at Lennon, who looks at me skeptically. “Um, Jack I don’t think-” “That’s good, don’t think,” Charlotte interrupts me and grabs a key from my hand. She opens the door and pushes Jack through. I don’t even wanna know what’s gonna happen in there.

Lennon and I share a look again. “You better not watch me,” she scolds as I open the door. “Of course not,” I say with a cheap smile. I gesture for her to go in first and she rolls her eyes. “Feisty,” I whisper as I step in after her.

I sit down on the bed and sneak a glance as Lennon strips her clothes off. “Ugh, I told you not to look!” she yells, throwing a sneaker at me. “Sorry, you’re just so-” “Sexy?” “Captivating,” I say distracted. When I lift my eyes up from her torso to her face, she’s staring at me. Her eyebrows are furrowed, and she looks like she’s gonna say something until she just turns around and starts to look through drawers for some clothes.

She pulls out a grey Rolling Stones tee and some jeans. “I’m gonna take off my bra now, so you really can’t look okay?” Lennon asked. “I won't, I promise,” I say cheerily. I obey her wish and turn around to take my shoes and pants off. I can’t reach the closet to find any clothes because Lennon’s standing by it, so I basically just stand -mostly naked- facing a wall. “Ok, you can look now.”

When I turn around, Lennon is just wearing the t-shirt, no pants. I quickly avert my eyes before they can roam her body and cross the room to find some clothes. “So, i’ve listened to that song you said is about Stella,” Lennon says amidst the silence. “Oh yeah?” I asked, not really wanting to elaborate on the subject. “Yeah, both of them. It doesn’t sound like she was very nice to you.” I pull out a shirt and some sweats and sigh. God, it feels so weird having to put on some random dude’s pants. “Yeah, it’s weird to me too,” Lennon says, practically reading my mind.

I look up at her. “Stella, Dani, wasn't truly nice to anyone. I just couldn’t keep up with her games. She was, manipulative, and a real wild child. As Jack said, she technically almost broke up the band.” “I can see how,” Lennon smirks. I stand straight up, so now i'm inches away from her face. She has the most beautiful brown eyes. They remind me of home. “Can you?” I asked quietly. I bite my lip as she slightly nods her head yes. If I were just joking around, now would be a good time to stop. But i'm not sure what I want anymore. The close proximity drives my head crazy. Attraction is clouding my mind, and my mouth itches to be combined with someone else's. My eyes shift to her lips, and then back to her eyes, as one would do if they were about to kiss someone. It’s like silently asking permission. She sucks her teeth and stares at my lips in response. I slowly bring a hand up to her cheek and start to lean in.

Until the door swings open.

“Woah! Get a room you two! Oh wait,” I recognize the voice as Jack’s. Charlotte appears next to him. “Oh my god!” She gasps, covering her mouth. It then occurs to me that I never put on the clothes, and am wearing nothing but underwear. This must look bad. “Alex what the fuck-” “Listen, it’s not what it looks like,” I say hurriedly. “Hey are you guys done in there?” a girl yells from down the hall. “It’s Dani,” Jack says. I grab the sweats and begin to quickly put them on. At least I can *try and save my ass. “Whats going on-” she stops short as she takes in the scene from the doorway. Lennon and I are the naked deer in her headlights. She meets my eyes with a pained expression, then runs away. “Dani, wait!” I yell, chasing after her.

I ran down the hallway, still trying to put some pants on, looking for her. She seemed pretty hurt by what happened, and even though she's a bitch I still care about her. Plus if Jack hangs out with her, she’s had to have changed. I finally find her sitting on the roof, watching the storm clouds pass. “Hey,” I smile, trying to act lightheartedly. “Sorry I ran off like that,” she blurts out. The wind finally hits me as I make my way over to her. Since I’m not wearing a shirt, I shudder from the cold breeze. “Here,” she hands me some towels, “I was coming to give you guys these to dry off.” I wrap one around me and sit down. “It’s just, when I saw you with that girl, like that, it brought back something in me,” Dani admits. I stare at her, suggesting for her to go on.

“I never really got over you, Alex.” Whoop, and there it is. The classic line spoken from every girl from Hollywood. “I’m so sorry for how things went down. I was a total conceited bitch back then, and after everything fell through I just regretted letting you go so much. You didn’t deserve to get pulled into my mess.” She can’t seem to stop talking after her confession, as if she’s been waiting to say this all this time. And she’s afraid I’ll leave before she can finish.

“Tell me the truth, did you only become friends with Jack to get in touch with me?” I asked. Sure it was harsh, but I needed to know. If she really wasn’t the bitch that I knew anymore, she wouldn’t still be using people for her own benefit. “I actually had no idea who he was when I ran into him. You know I never payed attention to your band. I didn’t realize who he was until he told me about you guys a few weeks later. I really did genuinely like him.” “Well that’s a relief, because I was not gonna let you get away with using my best friend,” I said, half jokingly, half serious.

She laughs. “My fiance would probably kill me if he knew what I was saying, but I don’t care.” She turns to face me. “I want you Alex. This could finally be our chance to have a real relationship without the public eye seeing. Like you said, i’m done being a part of their sick little games! We can do this together, just you and me.” She looked intense under the high winds and moonlight. I could almost say yes. But this is wrong. “Look, Dani, I do like you. I still care about you despite everything you put me through. But I'm in a relationship now, one that I’m trying to keep. I think we should leave the past, in the past,” I finish.

She nods her head slowly and turns to face the city again. She always did favor the view of the lights over my face. “You're right. I’m about to get married, what am I thinking!” She exclaims. “You're starting to sound like your old self again,” I laugh, and she laughs along. “How’s Haylie anyway?” I asked. Dani and Haylie Duff used to be inseparable best friends. But it turned out that Dani was only using her to boost her own career. It was a full proof plan, until I found out about it. She told me her scheme before a red carpet, and I completely iced her out. Afterwards, we had a huge fight and broke up.

“I don't know. Haven’t talked to her in years,” Dani jokes. “Really?” “Yeah! We stopped hanging out a year later once Hillary's career started dying down, and my acting career was never really going anywhere anyway.” I look at her in disbelief. “You petty little bitch,” I laughed. “Hey, I did what I had to do,” she slurs amidst giggles. That’s when I realize: she is drunk, and I am not. That’s why she sounds so familiar to me. She sounds just like she did whenever we went to parties and got flat out wasted in the dead hours of the night. That’s why she let her guard down, because she was drunk. If she were sober, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now. Stella was always a master at putting on a poker face. I don’t even know who Dani is, and by the looks of this night, it seems like I never will. Guess I just have to trust Jack on this one.

“You know Dani, I think your gonna be just fine without me. Or them.” “Really?” “Yeah! Just not right now. Call me when you’re sober if you still wanna talk. Or, if you remember any of this conversation, at all,” I say, mumbling the last part. I pull my hands from under the towels and write my number on her arm. She just smiles and laughs. I haven’t forgiven Stella. In my heart I still hate her and everything she represents, just as I elaborated on Nothing Personal. But maybe I can forgive Dani, the stranger who I know all too well.

As I make my way off the roof, Dani pulls me back. She wraps both her arms around my shoulders and look me square in the eye. “Don’t I at least get a goodbye kiss?” I stand there surprised, opening my mouth to refuse but nothing comes out. Before I know it, she gently presses her lips against mine. My hands find their way to her tiny waist, and I start to move my mouth into a rhythm with hers. In my head, I know it’s wrong, but in my heart it’s only a goodbye. I know she’s not gonna call me. I know she’s gonna act like she hasn’t heard the name “Alex Gaskarth” since 2009. So I just want to enjoy this moment, while it last.

Dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night.

Notes

In my last update I said this would be posted in a couple days and it’s been six months