Destroy Rebuild

Once Alex was finished with his shower, he collected his things and we walked towards the back entrance of the venue where the busses were parked. I followed him to theirs and climbed the three stairs until I was in the living room area of the quiet bus.

May was sitting on one of the couches sifting through magazines. When she saw us, she put a long, slim finger up to her lips and motioned for us to follow her to the bunks. One of the curtains was half closed and she pulled it back slowly, revealing our sleeping baby. I gently scooped him into my arms and headed back to the front of the bus when Alex whispered that he’d be just a second and needed to grab some things.

“I hope he wasn’t too fussy or gave you any trouble,” I whispered to May.

“Not at all,” she whispered back. “As soon as he was dry and warm he went right to sleep.”

I watched as Alex came back from the bunks holding a small back pack by the straps. He ducked into the bathroom for a moment and stopped by the fridge on his way to us, grabbing a six pack of beer. When he had everything he needed and grabbed the diaper bag, we thanked May before leaving the bus in route to the hotel.

Will managed to sleep through the brief loudness of traffic as we walked down the too-busy-for-a-Sunday- night Los Angeles street. When we made it into the quiet hotel lobby without him waking up, Alex and I let out matching sighs of relief.

We got up to the hotel room and Alex quickly set everything down before pulling the sheets back on the bed. I reached over and laid Will in the center, bringing the sheets up around him a little. Alex grabbed the ice bucket and told me he’d be right back before slipping out of the room to fill it.

I took the minute alone to spruce myself up in the mirror. I felt like sleep was only a few minutes away since it was getting close to midnight, which meant back home it was almost three in the morning. I had to find some energy, hoping whatever Alex and I were going to talk about would be positive enough to push us in the right direction.

He came back a few minutes later and with the ice bucket hoisted under his arm he grabbed the beer and walked out onto the balcony. I quickly placed some pillows on either side of Will to keep him from rolling and joined Alex on the balcony, shutting the sliding door just enough so we could still hear Will if he woke up but he couldn’t hear us if we started fighting.

I sat in one of the lounge chairs next to Alex and took the beer he handed me. After a long, satisfying sip, I decided to go ahead and start the conversation.

“I can’t even remember the last time we sat and talked about things over a beer,” I giggled.

Alex looked at me out of the corner of his eyes with a smile. “It’s been a while.”

I nodded slowly and waited for him to speak, but when he didn’t, I took the initiative again. “So, where should we start?”

He brought his bottle up to his lips, lowering it after swallowing with a shrug. “I don’t know.”

I stared at him for a moment before letting my head fall to the back of the chair, far too tired and suddenly too frustrated to deal with his lack of effort. “Then why say we need to talk if you don’t know what we need to talk about?”

“There’s just a lot, Whit,” he sighed. “My mind is jumbled with things I need to say and things I need to know but I don’t know what needs to be said first.”

I took in a deep breath to settle my nerves. “Why don’t we start by how we’ve been dealing with this whole thing? How we’ve been feeling?”

He looked at me and nodded, but when that was all I got out of him, I groaned, “Oh my god.”

“Please don’t get irritated with me,” he begged. “This is just too important. I need this conversation to go perfectly. I can’t lose us because what needed to be said wasn’t.”

“But you’re not saying anything at all, Alex!” I said, my tone harsh but hushed. “Ever since I got here I’ve felt like I had to walk on stilts over eggshells just to get you to notice me.”

“Please,” he said again, and with the help of the moonlight I could see his eyes were pooled with tears. “I need this to work out.”

“Okay,” I said, my tone softer. “I’ll go first then.”

He turned his body more towards me and gave me a nod to continue.

“The past three months have been hell. I’ve missed you like crazy. I can’t think of anything worse I’ve been through with anyone I love more than you. This has been really hard. I know I only made things worse with what I did and I have to live with that every second. But I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. I’ve hated waking up alone in the mornings and wondering if it would always be that way because of what I did to you. I know I hurt you. I know, and I’m sorry.”

He looked down at his beer bottle and said, “I’ve missed the fuck out of you, girl. I know all of this could have been avoided if I would have told you the truth when everything happened. I guess I was just too scared of it fucking everything up. I never thought it would get this far. I was the one that dragged us into this mess.”

He paused for a moment and his face scrunched in discomfort. “You do know I didn’t intentionally kiss her, though, right? It was one hundred percent completely all her. I just couldn’t get away from her in time before a picture was taken.”

I winced a little as I nodded, the image stinging like a fresh wound.

“I need to hear you say it, babe. If you really believe me, tell me.”

“I believe you,” I nodded.

He sighed in relief as a smile pulled on the corner of his lips. “Thank you. And I know you wouldn’t have reacted the way you did if I told you straight up, so you really don’t have to apologize. This is all my fault. I’m the one that should be sorry.”

“Well, in your defense, you did try to call me and explain. If I would have just answered, it wouldn’t have gotten to his point,” I sighed.

“That is true,” he chuckled. “But if I would have avoided her like I’d planned from the moment I spotted her, we wouldn’t be here.”

“That’s also true,” I giggled. “But, despite what you just said, I’m still sorry.”

He slowly shook his head. “I wish you wouldn’t be.”

“Well then I’m sorry for who I did it with,” I shrugged.

I saw him flinch before a smile spread across his face. “Yeah, that part fucking sucked. I still think about running him over with a plane sometimes.”

“How would you confiscate a plane to do that anyway?” I laughed.

He glanced over at me with a serious expression. “Trust me, I would find a way to take out that son of a bitch.”

“Easy, tiger,” I giggled nervously.

His expression cracked after a moment, a toothy grin plastering over his perfect mouth. “If I wouldn’t be facing serious prison time for it, I would. I fucking hate that guy, Whitney. I want him to not exist anymore.”

As I listened to him explain how much he despised Eric, I became more and more unsure about telling him about the surprise visit I received on Mother’s Day. He was definitely going to be much less than thrilled about it, but the fact that it took me a month to tell him was sure to send him over the edge. I was suddenly thankful I didn’t tell him over the phone. In person, I could let him see that nothing happened. We had a better chance at a peaceful outcome this way.

“You know I’m not really gonna kill the guy, right?” Alex asked, pulling me from my train of thought.

I cleared my throat before saying, “I’d hope not. You being gone for three months has been lonely enough. I couldn’t imagine twenty-five years or more.”

“I’ll just hire a hitman,” he shrugged, and I elbowed him in the arm, shaking my head.

It was quiet for a moment. I stared out into the darkness, barely able to see the waves as they crashed on the shore. But for the first time in a really long time, I felt like we were okay. It felt like we were going to make it out of the struggle alive, but most importantly, together.

Alex reached over and pulled my chair closer to his, the arm rests clinking. I giggled and when he took my hand in his, I glanced towards him and the seriousness mixed with sadness that washed over his face brought my laughter to a halt.

“I’m sorry, Whit,” he said quietly. “This has always been my fault. I should have never tried to make you feel like it was yours. I should have told you everything that happened when it happened so we could have avoided all of this. And I shouldn’t have gotten so mad at you for doing what you needed to do. I was just scared that I was losing you and I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m so sorry. I can’t take back being a piece of shit but I can promise I’ll never let anything bring us this close to the breaking point again.”

I stared down at our hands and nodded, unaware of anything I could say that I hadn’t already. He could deny my guilt all he wanted, but I would never be able to.

He gently tugged on my hand, bringing my attention back to him. “Can you forgive me?”

I smiled. “If that means you’ll come back home when the tour is over and we can be a family again, then yes.”

He smiled my favorite smile again and stood from the chair, standing in front of me with his hands out to help me up. When I was in front of him, he rested one of his hands on my hip while the other caressed my cheek. I stared at his closed eyes, feeling like my blood was sloshing around my veins like hot lava at his embracive touch. I’d missed the feeling of his hands on me.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

“I love you, Alex,” I replied, and I inhaled deeply through my nose after his kiss nocked the breath out of me and I heard him softly moan.

His hand left my cheek and his arms were circled around my waist, pulling me closer to him. My arms slithered around his neck and I held on so tight he would have needed a crowbar to pull me off. It felt like the first time he kissed me, when we’d found out we were having a son and he asked me to move in with him. I couldn’t even begin to explain the feeling of the fireworks going off throughout my body, sending tingles through my blood stream. I never wanted to stop kissing him.

He pulled away after a moment, sucking lightly on my bottom lip. “Fuck, I missed these lips,” he groaned.

“Don’t stop,” I begged, pulling his face back down to mine in another round of more heated kisses.

Suddenly, in the middle of the kiss, the image of Eric standing at our doorstep with a bouquet of flowers in his hands flashed before my closed eyes, like my subconscious was reminding me I still had a confession to make. I knew I needed to tell Alex about it because the longer I waited the worse it would be. But I just couldn’t bring myself to ruin the moment with more bad news.

I let my selfishness take control and pulled him even closer, swearing to myself that I would tell him soon.

Notes