Destroy Rebuild

I adjusted Will in his seat, making sure he was buckled in properly. As we got the announcement from the captain that we were about to take off, I buckled myself in and watched as the plane moved across the runway.

Alex was rather persistent about Will and I flying to visit him while the tour was in Los Angeles. It was Father’s Day, and I knew he wanted to see his son for the first time he could celebrate the holiday. I was at no liberty to deny him that, so I packed a small bag with enough supplies and clothes to last us the two days we would be there.

I was nervous about seeing him in person. There was bound to be some awkward tension, but I could only hope it wasn’t too much that we couldn’t bear to be in the same room as each other. He didn’t give away much when he asked us to come, but he seemed excited when I agreed. I just couldn’t tell if he was as excited about seeing me as he was about seeing Will.

Another thing that contributed to my nerves was the fact that I still hadn’t told him about Eric coming to visit, and it wasn’t due to lack of opportunities. There had been plenty of times when I could have told him, but things were slowly moving in the right direction and I was too scared to tell him and set us back to where we started. I knew I had to tell him, though.

After six hours and a few short naps later, we were making our descent onto the LAX runway. As we rolled to a stop at our gate, I began unbuckling the car seat from the plane seat quickly, hoping to be one of the firsts off the plane to avoid the cramped single file line formed around us while I tried to lug the bulky car seat through the isle. As soon as we were cleared to exit, I hoisted Will above the seats and hurried off the plane.

Alex reserved us a room at a hotel close to the venue so we wouldn’t have to sleep on the bus. After I grabbed my small suit case from luggage claim, I hurried towards the parking lot to hail a taxi. The driver helped me get Will situated before driving us towards the hotel.

I texted Alex to let him know we were in the city and he replied to let me know someone would walk over to the hotel to get us and escort us back to the venue around six. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t hoping that someone was him, but I knew better than to get my hopes up.

Once we were at the hotel and checked in, safe in our room, it was time for another one of Will’s afternoon naps. I laid him on the bed after he fell asleep and slipped out onto the balcony where thankfully we had a view of the beach. I sat in one of the reclining chairs and closed my eyes, listening to the waves in hopes they’d sooth the churn in my gut.

As it was nearing time for us to head downstairs to be picked up, I decided to go ahead and get dressed in my light blue shorts and plain black tank top. I changed Will into his Orioles jersey we’d gotten from Jack at the baby shower and put on him some black shorts with his little converses. After collecting things I’d need for him in the diaper bag, I hoisted him up onto my hip and left the room.

When we got down to the lobby, I saw Vinny, the band’s merch guy, waiting in one of the chairs near the front entrance. The pang in my chest was undeniable when I saw him instead of Alex – Vinny and I spent little to no time together before. Nevertheless, he stood when he saw us and greeted us with a warm smile.

“Hey,” he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders in a one-armed hug. “It’s good to see you two again.”

His gesture surprised me, as I was almost certain any of Alex’s friends would give me the cold shoulder for what all went down. But I was very surprised and relieved that wasn’t the case so far.

“Hi, Vinny,” I smiled back. “It’s nice to see you again, too. Are you our escort for the night?”

“Yes,” he said, putting his fists on his hips triumphantly. “I have been entrusted with the precious cargo.”

“Awesome,” I laughed. “Lead the way.”

He offered to carry the diaper bag for me, since it was slipping off my shoulders and I was struggling to maneuver it back into place with the baby in my arms. As we crossed the street and walked down the block towards the venue, we kept the conversation light. I was thankful we could avoid the topic of mine and Alex’s relationship, but at the same time I wanted to know how Alex had been handling it the past few months. I knew better than to ask Vinny those kinds of questions, though – we weren’t nearly close enough.

After being let in the back, Vinny led us through the maze of hallways towards All Time Low’s dressing room. The closer we got, the harder my heart pounded in my chest. It was difficult to muster up the courage to be face to face with Alex again, but somehow, I managed.

As soon as Vinny opened the door and we walked in, Jack was the first to notice us and he offered me a small smile. He tapped Alex on the shoulder as he had his back to us and when Jack pointed in our direction, Alex turned and looked, a smile gracing his face as he hoisted himself up.

While making his way to us, I noticed how his eyes were glued to our son sitting on my hip. I tried not to take it too personally that he hadn’t even looked at me yet, but I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. When he got to us and took Will from me and his hand brushed against my arm, I felt goosebumps form.

I stood by quietly, ignoring the speculative stares coming from the rest of the people in the room. They may have had a right to be curious, depending on what Alex may have told them. But I tried not to make any eye contact, afraid someone would see me as pathetic as I stood awkwardly and unembraced by my boyfriend.

After a few droning seconds that felt like hours passed, Rian stood from the couch and cleared his throat.

“Come on, guys, let’s give them some privacy,” he said, and soon the rest of the guys in the room were following him silently out the door. As Jack walked past me, he said quietly, “Good to see you again.”

“You, too,” I mumbled, wondering if he was being serious or just playing polite.

Once the door shut and it was just me, Alex, and Will, Alex finally looked at me, and I felt my heart skip a beat once we made eye contact. I suddenly felt like crying because I’d missed him so much and he was finally right in front of me. The feeling only intensified as he took a few steps closer to me and pressed his lips against my forehead.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hi,” I whispered back.

He placed his hand on my lower back and led me to the couch on the other side of the room. When he sat down, I made sure to sit next to him, but not too close. Will was perched on his legs, and he bounced them a little, causing our baby to smile and coo.

After watching the two of them for a moment without any verbal exchange, I finally spoke up and said, “Happy Father’s Day.”

He smiled my favorite “Alex” smile that always made me feel like I was melting into a puddle. All I wanted to do in that moment was kiss it.

“Thank you. I’m really happy you were able to make it.”

“Well, I didn’t want you to not see your son on your first Father’s Day,” I shrugged.

For the first time (at least deliberately), he touched me, placing his hand on my thigh and giving it a light squeeze. “I really wanted to see you, too, though.”

I nodded and rested my hand on top of his. “I missed you.”

His expression softened to a gentle seriousness. “I missed you, too.”

I was staring down at our hands when the door opened, a tall, tan skinned brunette walking through the door. I almost immediately recognized her as Jack’s sister, May. She looked around at the almost empty room with a confused expression before her eyes landed on the three of us, and she gasped.

“Oh my god! Is that Will?!” she shrieked.

Alex nodded and she hurried over in front of him, and she briefly introduced herself before crouching down to Will’s level.

“Oh. You guys, he’s so beautiful!”

“Thank you,” Alex and I said in unison.

“Aww,” she cooed. “He’s wearing the jersey I got for him.”

“Wait,” I giggled. “You had this made for him?”

She nodded. “I felt so bad that I wasn’t able to make it to your baby shower, so I wanted to get him something nice. Why?”

“The tag said that it was from Jack,” I shrugged.

May laughed. “Of course it did. My brother is pretty good at stealing gift ideas.”

“Well, thank you,” I smiled. “It’s great.”

She nodded just as Zack poked his head back in the room.

“Hey, man. State Champs is about to go on if you still want to watch them,” he said before disappearing quickly.

Alex nodded and looked at me. “I’ve somehow managed to miss every one of their sets so far. I need to watch them at least once, for moral support. Do you want to come?”

I looked from him to Will and shook my head. “I think we’re just going to sit this one out. Is that okay?”

He nodded again and asked, “Are you going to be okay here alone?”

“I’ll stay with you!” May chirped.

I smiled and nodded. “Yeah, we’ll be fine.”

After passing Will to May and collecting his necessities, he kissed my forehead again and slipped out the door, shutting it behind him.

May and I took our time alone to learn more about each other. She was way more, I guess, tame than her younger brother, and she was very level headed. I admired her grace the more she told me about herself, and I couldn’t help but feel like an unsophisticated blob compared to her. But nevertheless, she was one of the nicest people I’d ever met.

Her giggling subsided after telling me a story about Jack growing up, and she bit the corner of her lip before saying, “I don’t mean to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I’m so happy you and Alex are giving this another chance.”

I felt myself blush. I assumed everyone in Alex’s immediate circle of friends knew about what happened with us, but I wasn’t aware May was part of that circle. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded.

“Yeah, me, too.”

She offered me a small smile, almost identical to the one Jack gave me earlier. “For what it’s worth, he loves you so much, and he’s ready for all of this to be in the past just as much as you are.”

“Is he though?” I asked. “He’s seemed pretty distant so far.”

She shrugged. “He’s nervous. He’s been nervous ever since he found out you guys were coming to see him. He doesn’t handle uncertainty well.”

I nodded slowly, unnecessarily feeling a little jealous. “You seem to know him pretty well.”

She scoffed. “I’ve known Alex since he was a bratty, troublesome teenager. He was quick to become like another pesky little brother. I’ve seen some of his good and bad days. Today is just kind of in between for him, but he’ll bounce back as soon as you both get reacquainted with each other. You just have to give him some time.”

I nodded slowly.

“He’s crazy about you, Whitney. He just wants everything to be okay between you again.”

I smiled and as I was getting ready to thank her, Alex came back in with his matching Orioles jersey, the rest of the band and crew following behind him. He took Will from May, wanting to get a picture of the two of them in their jerseys. I watched as he hoisted Will up on his shoulders with their backs to the camera to show off GASKARTH and quickly swooped in to smooth the shirts out while Jack took the photo.

The time before All Time Low’s set was passed by scattered conversation throughout the room. I sat quietly next to Alex, only speaking when I was spoken to. I was far too distracted by the happiness I felt due to Alex taking the initiative to hold my hand, his fingers laced in between the spaces of mine. It almost felt like we were back to normal.

As their time came up, everyone collected backstage while the guys got their gear ready. Before slipping into place, Rian placed some small headphones over Will’s ears to muffle all the loud noises. I thanked him as he scurried away and Alex was soon standing in his place.

“Do you think that’ll be enough protection for his ears?” he asked, adjusting the band over Will’s head.

The lights went down in the venue and a sea of excited screams and cheers vibrated off the walls. I looked down at Will, who seemed not the slightest bit phased. “He seems to be okay so far.”

Alex nodded. As we made eye contact, my heart skipped a beat when he shot me my other favorite “Alex” smile and he took my hand in his.

“Thank you,” he said before bringing my hand up to his lips and placing a sweet kiss there. “For being here.”

Before I could tell him he didn’t have to thank me he was running to the middle of the stage, Rian banging the drums behind him. Alex struck a chord, and the band dove into “A Love Like War”.

In the middle of the song, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to be greeted by Erin, Zack’s girlfriend. We embraced and I briefly made sure she knew May before turning my attention back to the show. After checking on Will again and seeing he was fine, I was able to relax and enjoy myself.

The band flew straight threw three songs, and by the end of “Heroes”, they were taking a break from playing to work the crowd.

“Happy Daddy’s Day to all the sexy daddy’s here tonight,” Jack said into his microphone.

“Are there even any dad’s here tonight?” Alex laughed into his.

“Raise your hand if you’re a sexy daddy!” Jack yelled. After laughing at the lack of hands raised, he turned towards Alex. “Why isn’t your hand up, Alex?!”

“I don’t know if I count as sexy,” he said, and he received a response of screams from the ladies in the audience. He shrugged and raised his hand.

The crowd cheered some more and Jack ran to Alex’s side, whispering something in his ear. Alex looked back at us and nodded, taking his guitar off as he walked over. Jack ran back to his mic and asked, “Who wants to see the baby?”

The venue erupted in cheers as Alex stopped in front of us, handing his guitar to one of the crew members.

“Is it okay if I take him out there?” he asked.

I nodded, a little uneasy about the idea, but handing Will to him anyway. As he made his way back to the stage, a chorus of “aww”’s came from the center of the room. Alex took Will’s hand and waved it to everyone in the audience and when he got to his mic, he said, “Everyone, I’d like you to meet my son, William.”

As more applause sounded, Jack said, “On the count of three I want everyone in here to say, ‘Happy Father’s Day, Alex’! Ready? One, two three?”

It sounded like thousands of voices were casting their well wishes, and it even made me jump a little, so I wasn’t surprised that Will’s face scrunched up before he let out a piercing scream. Alex’s expression washed over with panic as he tried to calm him down, but he was far too upset to soothe. Alex quickly brought him back and I heard Jack say, “Oh no, guys. I think we broke the baby.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex said. “I didn’t think it’d scare him.”

“It’s okay,” I shook my head. A thought struck me, and I pulled out my phone to check the time, did some math, and realized it was far past his bedtime back on the East Coast. “He’s probably ready for bed. I should take him back to the hotel.”

Alex’s expression softened right before May spoke up and said, “Please, let me handle it. I can stop by the dressing room for his diaper bag and I’ll take him to the bus. You can pick him up when the shows over.”

“No. Thank you, but you don’t have to do that,” I shook my head.

“Are you sure, May?” Alex asked, and I swear I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes when he glanced at me.

“Positive,” she nodded, taking Will from Alex. “You should take a few hours off from ‘mom’ mode and enjoy yourself.”

After looking between her and Alex and then at Will, I nodded. “Thank you,” I said. “He may just need a diaper change, and I put some of his pajamas in the diaper bag.”

She smiled sweetly at me. “I’ll take good care of him.”

After watching them walk away, I turned back to Alex. He placed his hand on my cheek and rubbed my bottom lip lightly with his thumb.

“Have some fun,” he said before slinging his guitar back over his shoulder and running back to the stage.

They played about an hours’ worth of more music, stopping every so often for a water break or equipment change. Erin and I spent the show singing and dancing together, and it was nice to be having fun with a friend for once. We’d gotten pretty close before the last time I saw her (being Thanksgiving), but personal lives kind of kept us from hanging out, so it was nice to be able to catch up with her.

The show ended and one by one the sweat-drenched guys walked off stage, Alex the last one to leave. He eventually walked over to me and kissed my cheek.

“How was it?” he asked, leading me back to the dressing room.

“Awesome, as always,” I smiled.

He smiled back and took my hand in his. “I’m going to shower really quick, then would you like to go get our son and go back to the hotel room?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I sighed.

“Good,” he grinned before biting down on his bottom lip. “I think we need to talk.”

Notes