Destroy Rebuild

It felt like I’d been sitting outside our house for hours. No amount of courage I mustered seemed like enough to get me through the conversation I was about to have with Alex. I’d been feeling optimistic the whole drive there, but as soon as I pulled into the driveway and saw Alex’s SUV parked slightly crooked like he had been in a hurry to get out, all positive vibes scurried away.

I finally decided it was time to get it over with and opened my car door to get out. I walked through the open garage and got my key ready to unlock the door but when I twisted the knob I found my key to be useless. I slowly pushed the door open and peeked into the laundry room. I hadn’t even noticed how quiet I was trying to be until I’d found myself in the kitchen, no sign of Alex or Will anywhere. I clutched my keys tightly and slipped my shoes off to keep them from making any noise.

My heart pounded as I quietly walked down the hallway to Will’s room. His door was cracked open and I slowly entered, tiptoeing to his crib. He looked so peaceful as he slept. I was so glad all of this was happening while he was young enough to not remember any of it. He didn’t need to know what was going on with his parents. I had to fight the urge to scoop him into my arms and kiss his sweet face and tell him how much I loved him. He needed his rest, and we needed to get down to business.

As I crept back down the hall to the kitchen, I heard the faint sound of voices and cheering coming from our bedroom. Alex was in there, and that’s where I should have gone. Maybe it was petty of me, but I went to the kitchen instead and noisily threw my keys onto the counter. The voices and cheers stopped, and I heard feet pounding my way. My heart rate quickened as he rounded the corner and froze in his place.

He looked a wreck. His brown hair was lying flat against his head and his eyes were beginning to show dark circles underneath. There was absolutely no color to his complexion and his brown orbs were almost black. It was almost difficult to look at him.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

I rose my eyebrows in response. Again, super petty, but I wasn’t going to speak to him right away. I wanted him to grovel.

He frowned a little at my lack of words and looked down to his feet before peeking up at me through his eyelashes.

“Should we sit down?” he asked.

Again, I didn’t utter a single sound, but continued staring daggers at him. He sighed heavily and scuffled towards to island.

“Okay…” he mumbled. “Should I just start explaining?”

I nodded once and watched as he slid on top of one of the barstools. He ran his hand over his hair before taking in a deep breath. When he looked at me with his sad eyes, I felt my gut harden.

“I’ll start from the beginning then,” he said after he cleared his throat.

“When Jack and I got to the club, we stood next to the bar to wait for a few friends to meet us there. We didn’t know that Matt’s girlfriend was close friends with Sophia and that she’d be bringing her along. I mean, Kelsey had to have known about me and her and I know she knew about me and you. I don’t know why she thought it’d be a good idea putting me in that situation, but she did.”

He paused to see if I was following, and I rose my eyebrows for him to continue.

“As soon as she showed up, I wanted to leave. Almost instantaneously. But Jack promised me that it wouldn’t be an issue and that he would make sure to tell Kelsey to keep her occupied and as far away from me as possible. She agreed, but she got drunk really quick and stopped keeping tabs on Sophia.”

I hated hearing him say her name.

“She snuck up on me at one point, and I should have walked away, but I didn’t. That was my first mistake. She didn’t seem like she was going to try anything, really. She asked me how I’ve been and asked about you and Will. She seemed innocent enough and I assumed she was just there to have a good time with her friends. I let my guard down too quickly.

“She kind of lingered near me the rest of the night. I hardly paid her any attention though. As soon as she was too close for comfort, I moved away from her. But she kind of just kept following me around. It was annoying and made me uncomfortable, but I thought if I just kept drinking I wouldn’t even notice her anymore. That’s my second mistake. I should have just gone back to the hotel.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Well, I did keep drinking, and before long I needed some fresh air. I went to the balcony of the club and I was out there by myself for a while until she came to join me. She asked me if I was alright and I guess in her drunken state she started to get emotional about her dad passing. I didn’t care to be around her, but I also couldn’t be a dick. She was hurting and I felt obligated to show her a little sympathy.”

“You should have just been a dick,” I thought to myself.

“I told her I was sorry for her loss and told her everything you tell someone when they lose a loved one. ‘He’s in a better place’. ‘He’ll always be with you in your heart’. She asked if she could have a hug and I felt bad enough for her to do it. But as soon as she pulled away, she kissed me. I felt sick to my stomach and I pushed her away as fast as I could. I left right then.”

The truth is, I believed him. The way his face twisted when he said her name and how he hunched over almost as if he was in pain when he talked about the kiss sold me. But I still wanted to see him struggle to win my forgiveness.

“I thought about calling you, but it was so late and I didn’t want to bother or worry you. I never-“

“So, why didn’t you tell me about it when I asked how your night went yesterday?” I blurted.

He flinched, like he was surprised to hear my voice.

“I…I didn’t think I needed to. It didn’t mean anything. I thought if I just swept it under the rug, it would never come to light and our lives wouldn’t be interrupted.”

“Well. That plan sure did backfire,” I spat.

He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “I know, and I’m such an idiot for thinking it would work. I thought I was doing the right thing to protect you and us and it just made me look like a piece of shit and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Whit. If I would have known there were going to be pictures I would have just come clean right from the beginning.”

I couldn’t help but laugh sarcastically. “See, what you don’t understand, Alex, is that regardless of whether there were pictures, you should have told me anyway. But instead, you lied to me.”

“I know-“

“How am I ever supposed to trust you again?”

He visibly winced, and it sent a small shiver of satisfaction down my spine.

“I understand where you’re coming from,” he whispered. “But I would never do something like this to you. You trusted me before all of this?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, I did.”

He nodded slowly. “And you don’t think you can trust me like that again?”

“Not after this,” I said with a shake of my head. “Who knows what else you’ll try to cover up in the future?”

“I do,” he said, his voice a little louder. “I know nothing like this will ever happen again. I don’t think you get it, Whitney. This could cost me you. And Will. If you forgive me, we can put all of this behind us and we’ll never have to feel this way again. I will never put myself in a situation that could take my family away from me. You will never have to feel this way again.”

“What, betrayed? Humiliated? Shattered? Scared that our son may have to grow up in two different houses because his parents fucked up a good thing?”

I hated that I felt like crying. I wanted to appear strong in this confrontation. But thinking about how Will could have been affected had this been worse broke my heart into a million pieces.

I guess Alex could tell that my armor was cracking and he quickly stood and rushed to me, pulling me into his arms.

“I know. I know, baby. I hate myself for letting it get this way. But if we could just forget about it and move on, I promise it’ll be like it never happened.”

“It will never feel like it never happened, Alex,” I cried as I pushed him away. “I will never be able to forget about this. Especially that stupid fucking picture. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to see it again since it’s been burned into my brain. Even looking at you now, all I see is you kissing her.”

He sighed heavily and nodded before taking a step closer to me. “What do I have to do?”

I shook my head as I stood over the sink. I’d never felt this empty in my life.
Alex groaned and reach for my arm, spinning me around and taking my face in his hands, holding my gaze in his.

“Please tell me what I have to do to make this go away! I can’t lose you, not over something like this. Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.”

I tried to imagine a future where Alex and I were shuffling around in the kitchen in the morning while Will ate breakfast before school. I tried to see myself with him, happy and completely oblivious to this moment and how I was feeling. I just couldn’t do it.

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do, Alex.”

He shuddered and his face softened as his eyes welled up with tears.

“So that’s just it then? We’re over?”

I had to look away from him as a tear spilled out over his cheek. He slowly released my face and backed away. Through the tears, I could see how mad he was at himself.

“I’m such a fucking idiot!” he yelled, slamming his fist down on the marbled countertops.

I flinched at his outburst. He looked so tormented as he leaned over the island, sobbing uncontrollably. All I wanted to do was take him in my arms and make him feel better and tell him I forgave him and that I wanted to try again. I just couldn’t bring myself to that yet.

I wanted more than anything to go back in time a few days and give him step by step instructions on how to avoid this whole scenario. I wanted it to be like it was before, when I could look at him without feeling pain. I wanted to be in love with him again and not worry about having my heart broken.

I wanted us back.

He stood up straight and viciously rubbed the tears from his eyes before looking at me.

“I’ll just go stay with my parents. You and Will can stay here. I’ll make sure all of the bills stay paid and I’ll send you some money for groceries and-“

“Alex,” I whispered, halting his plans for our potential breakup.

He stopped rambling and I could see a sense of hope in his expression.

“I don’t want this to be over.”

He sobbed again before shaking his head and saying, “I don’t think I could live with it.”

“But, this isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. It’s going to take me some time – maybe a lot of time – to rebuild my trust in you. But if you can be patient and stay out of trouble, I can rebuild it. I love you way too much to let this go. I’m going to hurt for a while and I’ll never be completely over this, but I think with enough time I can put it behind me. Maybe eventually I’ll stop thinking about it, but I just need you to understand when I can’t help but to think about it. We’ll have to take this day by day, but what we had before all of this is worth it to me.”

“Me, too,” he nodded. “Absolutely worth it.”

We stared at each other in silence for a moment. I think we wanted everything to be okay so badly, but there weren’t any more words to make it happen. Only actions.

Alex reached over and wiped the salty water droplet from my cheek.

“Are we going to make it?” he asked quietly.

I shrugged. “I hope so.”

He pulled me into a tight hug and I instantly felt at home. I could feel his heart pounding through his t-shirt and I rested my temple against the beat.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.

He pulled back slightly and when I felt him getting closer for a kiss, my instincts made me draw my head back. The image of another girl on his lips was still far too fresh for his to be on mine just yet. He furrowed his brows at me.

“I’m sorry,” I shook my head. “I just…can’t…yet.”

He nodded and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “Take your time.”

As he pulled me back into the hug and held me tighter, I hoped he’d be able to remain as understanding as he was for a while.

“So where did you run off to last night?” he asked.

I felt the blood drain from my face. I already knew I was going to tell the truth. I just hoped Alex understood why I did what I did. He was, technically, the one that pushed me in that direction.

“Dowtown,” I answered flatly.

His hands started rubbing up and down my back. “Yeah? Did you just hang out by yourself?”

I was so nervous of his reaction, I balled my fists to keep my sweaty palms from sticking to his shirt.

“No,” I said. “I was with Eric.”

I could feel the breath leave his lungs. His hands stopped rubbing my back and his skin turned hot against me. He pulled away slowly, the sadness that once coated his face erased and replaced with pure anger.

“Eric,” he hissed.

I nodded once. “Yes. I was upset, he called to see if I wanted to hang out, I said yes.”

“What happened?” he all but demanded.

I took this moment to back away slowly. “We had some drinks, played some pool, listened to some music.”

“And?”

I had to swallow hard before I could answer. “We kissed.”

Alex smiled, but there was absolutely no trace of humor in it. I watched as he balled and unballed his fists and stumble over a few words before he finally looked at me, and he seemed absolutely disgusted.

“If you can let me explain…” I started, but trailed off after he angrily jerked his keys off the counter and headed for the door to the garage.

“Alex, I listened to you. You should listen to me,” I said as I chased after him.

The words he spat at me before slamming the door and storming off shook me to the core.

“Just a friend, huh, Whit?”

Notes