Alex
(A/N - I'm honestly so sorry that this chapter is so obnoxiously long, it just wouldn't make much sense if I split it up so i am just sorry)

I don’t think I’ve been this nervous since when I went to Jack’s house for the first time.
When Kellin told me that his parent’s weren’t going to be home till late I was overwhelmed with all different kinds of emotions.
My first reaction was nervous, but that’s usually my first reaction for everything so that didn’t really count. Then I was excited because we were going to spend some alone time together, just the two of us.

Next I was scared, because of the obvious question.
What if he’s expecting us to do... something?

I don’t know if I’m ready for that with him or not! I mean, I haven’t had sex in forever, since before I found out about Jack and Tay, so I’m kind of horny as hell but I’m so unsure.

Am I ready to do that sorta thing with Kellin?

We have only ever made out, the farthest we’ve gone is when he slipped his hand up my shirt the other day while we were kissing, and I pushed him away because his fingertips were cold.
Just because his parents aren’t home doesn’t mean we automatically are going to start having sex, right?

Oh god… I think he expects me to sleep with him.

Oh no.

“No, don’t go over there! My baby pictures are other there and they are not pretty.” Kellin warned with a laugh, grabbing my hand and steering me away from the living room.

I chuckled lightly, feeling my nerves relax a little bit once I thought of his baby pictures and let him show me to the stairs.

“Aww, I wanna see them.” I giggled.

“Never, my mom wouldn’t let me burn all of them.” his laugh made my heart flutter, and I watched as he walked up the stairs, glancing behind his shoulder at me as he went.

“Come on, babe.” he urged me to follow him, and I did as I was told as per usual.

There was a short hallway at the top of the stairs which Kellin did not take the time to look at like I did, and he turned the corner and walked into the first door on the left. I got a little distracted by the pictures of his family hung on the walls, but followed him seconds later.
I smiled when I walked into his room and saw posters everywhere. It looked just like my room!

The walls were painted gray, there was a tasteful amount of band posters hung up one of the walls with black tape, I assumed that he had ordered some of them or got them from concerts because a few were signed by bands I’ve heard of once or twice.
There was a large cork board next to the door you enter it, that was completely filled with glossy printed out pictures of him and his friends.

I smiled as I gazed at a few of them that looked like he was at warped tour, he was surrounded by the band members of Crown The Empire with a nervous looking smile on his face making me giggle. There were more pictures of him and his family, they were right in front of Mt. Rushmore and Kellin looked incredibly annoyed in that picture.

My eyes widened when my gaze fell on a picture of someone I was extremely familiar with, it took me a few seconds to remember that they were friends at one point in time. I forced myself not to cringe as I stared at the picture of him, Vic, and Jack. They were all wearing matching yellow rimmed sunglasses and looked like they were at some sort of party. All three of them had their tongues sticking out to look like classic punk kids, so I assumed the camera person had told them to do it.

It was obvious it was a few years ago because Kellin’s hair was much shorter, Vic had braces and Jack hadn’t had his growth spurt yet and was the same height as Kellin.
I knew they were friends but I didn’t think they were all that close.
Kellin must have forgotten that this picture was even still here, that’s awkward.

I tried to ignore the fact that there was a picture of my ex boyfriend in my new boyfriend’s room and looked around more.

His bed was at least a queen size, decorated with a dark maroon comforter with black sheets and a black body pillow. There was an acoustic guitar leaning against his desk which pleasantly surprised me, and a tv mounted to the wall opposite of his bed. Under it was a small black bookshelf that had an x bov and a playstation, and what looked like it could have been hundreds of movies and video games.

“Impressed much?” Kellin smirked as he sat down on his bed, obviously proud of his elaborately decorated room.

“Very much,” I giggled.

I walked over to his guitar and ran my fingers along the strings, unable to contain a smile. My eyes traveled to his desk and I saw a thick notebook covered in stickers with band logos on it.
I glanced over at Kellin who was distracted by his phone, and opened up the book.

I flipped to a page that was titled, ‘Trophy Father’s Trophy son,’ with poetic lyrics below it.
I didn’t want to invade even more of his privacy so I didn’t read it, but my heart was beating out of my chest with excitement.

“You make your own music, Kelly?” I asked him, looking at him smiling.

“Huh?” he responded, glancing up from his phone with his wide blue eyes.

I hope he doesn’t get mad at me or anything… I just never met a songwriter other than myself, and the fact that I’m dating one now made me ecstatic.

“This is your lyric book right? You write songs?” I asked in a bit of a quieter voice, really hoping he wouldn’t be angry with me.

He looked surprised when he saw his lyric book in front of me and and quickly looked down, almost looking ashamed.

“Uh… Yeah… I know, it’s really lame…” he admitted, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

A big smile spread across my cheeks and I shuffled over to his bed, collapsed right next to him and placed my chin on his shoulder. He turned his head to place an adorable kiss on my nose with plump lips and I leaned forward to kiss his burning hot cheek.

He still couldn’t look me in the eye, like he would expect me to laugh at him or something.
He kinda reminds me of myself sometimes, I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing.

“I do too.” I told him.

“Do what?” he asked stupidly, forgetting what he had last said.

“I write songs too, Kellin.” I giggled, feeling completely comfortable about it.

I’ve never felt ashamed for writing my own songs, I was kind of proud of myself that I did that. Maybe since Kellin was in more of the popular crowd, who frowned upon any individuality of any sort, he thought that it was a bad thing.
That’s probably one of the saddest things I could think of, and I’m a pretty damn depressing person.

“Wait, really?! I thought you just sang Green Day stuff, when you were in a band.” he exclaimed, turning to face me completely, interlocking our fingers together sweetly.

The band slowly died off after a while, we practiced every now and then when the gang wanted to hang out, but everything ended once Jack cheated on me, and the group started splitting apart.

I still feel guilty for that. I never wanted people to take sides, and I was pretty shocked that anyone was on my side in the first place.

I was flattered that Cass felt the need to defend me, and she shared my beliefs that knowing the truth was more important than keeping secrets and lying to my face to hide something that would break my heart. She understood me and knew that the lying would hurt me more than the accidental cheating, but I was still really shocked that she chose my side.
She had known Jack way longer than me, she was closer with him and they are practically best friends. But, then again she is also basically my best friend.
Brendon is great and all, but Cass is so understanding and I have no idea what I would do without her.

I wasn’t surprised when I found out Rian and Hayley chose Jack’s side, I understand what they were trying to do and I can’t stay mad at all three of them anymore. They wanted me to be happy, but I guess they just didn’t see that what they were doing would damage me so much worse.

I know what your thinking, then why don’t I just get back together with Jack if I’m not mad anymore?

Everything is just so complicated right now.

I still don’t really feel like myself. Maybe it’s because I’m never around him anymore.
He was my entire world, I learned that when I love someone I love them with my entire being.
His infectious laughter and personality, his incredible way with words, his delectable charm, it all seemed way too good to be true.

Surely not someone like him would ever want to be involved with a loser like me.
If I had known back then that Jack was going to destroy me than I don’t know if I would’ve had the guts to stay.

But he broke me. He lost all my trust. I try to convince myself that I deserve better but every time I see him in the hallway and my eyes meet with his sparkly brown orbs I melt inside.

“Babe.”

I looked up at Kellin who looked concerned.

“You zoned out again, what were you thinking about?” he asked me, I just shook my head.

“Sorry, what was I saying before?”

“I said that I thought you just sang Green Day songs.” he repeated patiently, brushing some of his dark hair away from his face and looked at me expectantly.

“Oh, no. I’ve been writing since I was 15.” I told him, trying to get back into the situation like I hadn’t just got lost in my thoughts practically daydreaming about Jack.

“I started about a year ago, I doubt I’m as good as you are though.” he told me modestly, glancing over at his guitar.

“Nobody sucks more than me, don’t worry.” I smiled, in attempt to assure him.

Kellin raised an eyebrow at me, obviously twisting the meaning of my words around and taking it in a sexual way. Heat rose up into my cheeks with embarrassment making Kellin laugh more.

“Kellin!” I giggled, and smacked his chest.

“Sorry! You just make it too easy!” he laughed, holding both his hands up in surrender, I rolled my eyes.

“Just for that, I’m making you sing me something.” I declared.

“Nope,” he shook his head quickly in response.

“What? Come on, I’ll go first!” I offered, feeling a little rush of confidence that I was really not used to getting.

“Only if you sing me one of your songs.” Kellin conditioned, hugging his knees to his chest as he watched me get up and walk over to the guitar.

“I’ll play it too,” I said.

“Perfect.”

Even though we haven’t had band practice in so long, I never stopped writing music. It’s a perfect way to get all my emotions out, and gives me an artistic outlet that get antsy without.
I sat back down on the bed with the guitar in my lap and felt a little nervous. Okay really nervous.
That little rush of confidence faded very, very quickly.
I tried to remind myself that it’s just Kellin, and he’s sings and writes songs too. He understands me. I just hope he doesn’t criticize what I have written, or the way my voice sounds, oh god…

“U-uh… I haven’t practiced this song too many times so don’t judge.” I mumbled shyly, his eyes burning into me making my heart rate quicken.

I decided on the newest song that I wrote because the chords were still fresh in my mind, and if I screw up I can just blame it on the lack of practice so he won’t completely be ashamed that he’s dating me.

I looked up at him, who was staring at me fondly and reached forward. He placed one hand on my shoulder and pressed his lips against mine sweetly. I exhaled a deep breath through my nose, my anxiety slowly fading away as our lips moved against each others.
It only lasted a few seconds but it was exactly what I needed.
He pulled away and placed another kiss on my cheek, and returned to his spot on the opposite side of the bed.

“I’d never judge you, babe.” he told me, making me giggle and look away shyly to hide my stupid blushy face.

I looked down at the guitar, placed my fingers correctly on the second fret and start strumming.

Safe little house, safe little friends,
Safe little thoughts to keep you safe
From all those big bad wolves that eat you up.

Safe in your room,
Safe as a tomb,
Sleep in a coffin made of glass.
It takes a big facade to hide the cracks.

Can you make this last?
Cause now I'm not so sure,
Are you up to the task?
Sometimes the sickness is the cure.

You're searching so hard,
You've lost yourself...

Does it help you to pray as you're wasting away
Like a silver screen cliche?
Cause after all we're actors on a stage.
Oh oh, oh oh. oh oh, oh oh

Will it help you to wait for the moment to break,
Is it real or is it fake?
All we are, just chapters on a page.
Oh oh, oh oh. oh oh, oh oh.

Cause after all we're actors on a stage...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce3zevLQM4s)
---

I bit my lip nervously as I looked up at Kellin who had a huge smile spread on his face, was clapping quietly and stared at me in awe.

“You never fail to amaze me, Alex.” he admitted, reaching his hand forward to squeeze my knee which was encased in tight gray skinny jeans.

“I don’t know, I’m still pretty unsure about it-”

“It’s perfect!! You’re lyrics are amazing, you’re voice is flawless and I’m really jealous, it’s a hell of a lot better than any of my songs are.” Kellin assured me, his words made me look up at him.

“I’m sure that’s not true.” I told him. I hate it when people talk bad about themselves.
I guess that’d make me a hypocrite.

“Well, you can chose what song I’m gonna sing.” he reached to grab the book on his desk and handed it over to me.

I was really surprised by this. I need to singing and playing a song at least like 10 times before I even think about showing it to anybody, and he’s handing over all his deepest thoughts and emotions written down on pieces of paper.

I wish I could be that open.

I flipped to a random page, it seemed to be one of the most recent songs he’s written so I assumed it would be really good.
It was titled, ‘Sorry,’ and I thought that would be pretty interesting to hear.

“This one,” I told him, handing the book back to him. He was smiling, eager to see what I had chosen for him but his excited expression quickly faded once he read the title of the song.

“Oh, alright.” he said, trying to hide how discouraged he was.

“You said anyone!” I reminded him with a giggle, holding my head in my hands to gaze at him as he placed the guitar in his lap.

“I know,” he nodded, looking up at me and smiling nervously at me as I gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up.

He stared down at the guitar, placed his long fingers on the correct chords and the room was soon filled with his angelic voice.

I've been thinking lately about you and me,
And all the questions left unanswered,
How it all could be.

And I hope you know,
You never left my head,
And if I ever let you down,
I'm sorry.

Whoa-oh
Oh no no no!
Whoa-oh

As I started focusing more on the lyrics I noticed how powerful they sounded, like it was written for someone that meant a lot to him. He looked very focused on playing the guitar, but even if I never heard him sing before could tell that his voice was tightening from emotion.

I see you around here lately,
You smile brighter than you should.
And me I've been so lonely,
I'm glad you're doing good.

'Cause I can't forget,
The way it used to be,
And if I ever let you down,
Well I'm sorry.

Whoa-oh
No I can't let you go...
And you know that you can take all of me,
I swear I will be better than before,
So sing it back.

Whoa-oh
No I can't let you go

I'm sorry for the things I've done,
Things I've done.

I'm sorry for the man I was,
And how I treated you.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYfDm3RRfEU)

Wait… This is for Vic isn’t it?

I suddenly felt very awkward and uncomfortable knowing that he was writing songs about Vic after his breakup, especially of him apologizing.

Does he still have feelings for Vic?

We never really talk about him, or Jack, we kind of try to just avoid the topic because there’s no need opening a can of worms. Well, two cans in our case.
It’s not like I wasn’t still writing songs about Jack, no matter how hard it is to admit. I still love him more than anything, even if he hurt me as much as he possibly could, I completely adore him.

But I’m with Kellin.

“That was beautiful Kelly, you have such a nice voice.” I praised, watching him walk over to the corner of his room and placed his guitar back where it was before.

“Aww, thanks Lex.” he smiled, but it seemed like his mind was elsewhere.

Why did I have to pick that song?

“Umm, is that written for a specific person?” I asked in a smaller voice, watching him as he avoided my eyes as he placed his lyric book on the desk.

“Nope,” he denied.

“Okay… I really don’t wanna pry or anything but that sounded very hard for you to sing-”
I was caught off guard as Kellin pressed his lips suddenly against mine to get me to stop talking.
I smiled and started kissing him back, our lips were still attached as Kellin sat down on the bed next to me.

I reached one of my hands up to cup his face and was surprised at how soft his face was. I was familiar with the smooth feeling of Jack’s freshly shaven face, or the pokey feeling when his face is all stubbly, but Kellin’s face just felt soft and silky.

Wait… Don’t think about Jack.

Kellin curled an arm around my waist and tugged me closer to him, and I quickly realized that he was expecting something a little rougher than I was used to.
His tongue grazed my bottom lip, creating a bigger opening for his tongue to slip into my mouth. This was pretty unfamiliar territory for us, but I decided to kiss him back, pushing myself closer to him and pressing my lips harder against his.

I just wanted to lose myself in the moment, but right now I just couldn’t stay out of my head.
I was overthinking everything, making sure I did it right. Not that I don’t know how to make out with someone, it’s just weird not doing it with the person who taught me how to.

Ugh, the more I keep trying to get Jack out of my head, the more I think about him.
How does he manage to annoy me even when I’m not around him?!

I don’t want to think about him! I have an really attractive and sweet boy who likes me, kissing me, yet the only thing in my brain is my ex boyfriend.

I can’t even imagine what he would say if he saw me and Kellin like this, he’d be so disappointed in me. But he’d also probably find it hilarious that he’s the only think about while I’m kissing Kellin.

I’m kissing Kellin! Just focus on him!

Kellin pulled me roughly into his lap, making out and pressing into me so hard my arched lower back started to hurt. I started to notice how pushy he was getting, with his hand on the back of my head and his tongue practically down my throat.

I don’t know what he’s trying to achieve by being so forceful with all this, it seemed like he was just trying to prove something to himself, but what?

I bit down on his lower lip and sucked it into my mouth, biting back a smile as he released a soft moan. He tugged me even closer to him with the arm he had around my waist, our foreheads nearly crashing together.

I couldn’t help but think about how much gentler Jack was with me.
I hate to say it, but I liked it better that way. He didn’t handle me like he’d break me if he kissed me too hard, but he just treated me like I was something he really cared about, something that should be treasured.
It seemed like he felt like kissing me was a honor instead of something he deserved because we were dating. Like I should be cherished and adored instead of something that could just be tossed around.

It was then when I realized that I didn’t really like what was going on, which was the same time that I found myself on my back with Kellin kissing and biting my neck.

For some reason, nothing about this turned me on like it usually does. He’s not doing anything wrong, and I’m incredibly attracted to him, I just don’t feel ready for this yet.
Jack was still the only boy I could ever see myself being intimate with, right now I just feel like I’m betraying him.

“K-Kellin.” I breathed shakily as he started grinding lightly into me.

He pushed one of my legs up so it would be bent and my knee was facing upward, and grinded into me harder while sucking a hickey on my neck. I moaned loudly, squeezing my hand that was in Kellin’s hair into a tight fist.

“Fuck, you’re so hot.” Kellin breathed, smiling slightly and placing a kiss on my earlobe.
He slipped one of his hands up my shirt and rubbed up and down my torso that was shaking from my uneven breathing. Before he could take off my shirt, I gently pushed on his chest to get him to stop kissing me.

“M-Maybe we shouldn’t?” I told him as he pulled away but it sounded a lot more like a question.

“You don’t want to?” Kellin pouted with his rosy pink lips a bit swollen, like I assumed mine were.

I instantly felt guilty when I was the disappointed look on his face, and I really wanted to make him happy. I don’t want to keep him from doing something that he wants to do, and I really don’t want him to be sad or angry at me for being such a prude.

“Um, yes. Yeah, I do want to.” I told him, nodding my head in attempt to convince him but he looked unsure.

“Are you totally sure? We don’t have to.” he told me, but I knew that he was going to resent me afterwards if I told him the truth.

“Of coarse.” I lied, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss me again.
Kellin smiled against my lips making my heart skip a beat, and our lips moved together much slower and sweeter than before.

His cold hands trailed down my t shirt covered chest and down to my jeans, the second that he started to tug at the bottom of my pants panic went through my entire body.

“No! No! I’m s-so sorry! I’m not ready yet! T-Too fast, we’re m-moving too fast! I’m not ready for all that yet. I’m sorry! Oh my god, I’m sorry.” I exclaimed, pulling away from him quickly and looked up at him pathetically.

I covered my face up with both of my hands, shielding my eyes from meeting his disappointed ones.

What kind of boyfriend am I? I’m such a loser, I won’t even have sex with my own boyfriend.

Kellin quickly got off of me and sat down beside me, reaching one of his hands out to pull it away from my face, and interlocked our fingers together sweetly.

“It’s fine Alex, don’t worry about it.” he assured me, lifting our hands up so he could place his lips on the back of my hand in a kiss.

I blushed at the adorable gesture, but grimaced as I looked at his concerned and caring face.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized, shaking my head.

“Don’t be sorry, you’re ready when you’re ready.” he attempted to calm me down and leaned forward to kiss my temple.

“It’s okay, you’re ready and I can be too. Let’s just do it, it’s fine. I can do this-”

“No Lex, you obviously don’t want to yet and that’s completely fine. We can take this at whatever speed you're comfortable with. If you just want to hold hands and hug, that’s cool, if you want to cuddle and kiss, that’s fine, if you want to makeout and have sex, that’s fine too. I don’t mind. Whatever you wanna do, I’m down with.” Kellin brushed one of his hands through my fringe and stared at me with a small grin, almost like he felt bad for me but I could tell he could empathize and relate to my reaction.

“Don’t lie to me, Kel.” I mumbled, looking down at my sock covered feet.

I heard him sigh and shift his position on the bed so he was sitting right in front of me.

I know what he’s trying to do. He’s just lying so I won’t feel bad, but he’s actually just going to go behind my back and sleep with someone else because I can’t give him what he wants!
I know how it works, I’ve been through all of this before! If you want someone to stay with you, you have to give them everything even if you don’t want to give it over!

If I have to have sex with Kellin to make him keep being my boyfriend, then I’ll do it.
Maybe if I have sex with him, he will stay interested in me.

This is the only way, and sometimes even when I give over all of me that still won’t be enough.

“Damn, that guy really wrecked you didn’t he. You got serious trust issues.” Kellin muttered, leaning forward to press his lips to the top of my head as I kept my eyes focused downward.

I reached my hand forward to grab Kellin’s, and he instantly held one of my hands in both of his.

“Please always be honest with me on how you're feeling, don’t tell me that you want to do something when you really don’t. I promise that I’m not going to break up with you over something like that.” he told me in a soft, sweet voice that only made me feel worse about everything that just happened.

“Kellin?”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t cheat on me.” I whispered, feeling my bottom lip start to quiver as I looked up at him.

His expression softened completely and he engulfed me in his arms, I pressed my face into his shoulder and exhaled a deep breath in attempt to calm myself down, because I’ve cried way too much over this for a lifetime.

“I promise I’ll never cheat on you, Alex. I swear, I’m not Jack.”

Notes

AHHHHH
LONGEST CHAPTER EVER WRITTEN EVER
MONSTER CHAPTER
YOU PROBABLY AGED AT LEAST 5 YEARS AFTER YOU'VE READ THAT BECAUSE IT'S SO LONG

but oh my fucking god ?
so much happened in this chapter

i don't even know where to begin

kellex ?
AND KELLIN SANG SORRY
OH MY GODDDD
AND ALEX TRIED TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT THEN KELLIN STARTED KISSING HIM AA
AND THEN WHEN ALEX ALMOST HAD SEX WITH HIM EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T WANT TO
MY BABe

i don't want this comment to be super long and annoying like this chapter and i really have to study so i should probably just end this nowww

OH YEAH
NEXT CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE VERY DIFFERENT
IT'S GONNA BE IN KELLIN'S POINT OF VIEW!! i don't think it will take me very long to write so it'll probably be up sometime in the next few days

im super excited to write it and i think you guys are gonna really like it, because you learn a whole lot more about kellin and he's a bit of a mystery right now, because he's using alex but he's super sweet ?

GUYS
THE RETURN JALEX IS GETTING CLOSER
I PROMISE IT'S WORTH THE WAIT

Title Credit- Toxic Valentine