Jack

I got to fix this. I need to fix everything.

But I have to start with Tay first, no matter how much I was dreading it.

The both of us have study hall at the same time, that’s kind of how we got into this whole mess in the first place… She was admitting her love with me while we should’ve been catching up on homework.
Anyways, she always goes to the library to do her homework, while I usually roam the halls, and hang out with Zack or Vic, so this is my only chance to have a real conversation with her now.

I didn’t mean to yell at her like that, but I think she really needed a reality check. I screwed up her head after I kissed her, she thought it meant I was agreeing to be with her, when I really wanted her to just shut up.
I was letting my anger out on the situation I was in, on her. Who could blame me though?
Plus, I’ve been in a mood ever since me and Alex separated, nobody should really take it personally because I’m just pissed off constantly.

I had more important things to worry about than apologizing to Tay, but I was going to do it anyway because I know I’m going to burn bridges with friends along the way of getting Alex back, I’d feel horrible if I realized I broke her heart, just like I broke Alex’s.

Alex is really the only person I want to apologize to though.

Well, I have apologized, he doesn’t really care about the word ‘sorry’ anymore.
I just want to know what he’s thinking, he’s probably thinking the worse, something terrible that wasn’t true at all, he just came up with it in his head and convinced himself that it was the truth.

I need to have a rational conversation with him, but it’s obvious that the both of us are losing our minds without each other.

So I take every opportunity when he is away from Brendon to talk to him, like right now.

I’ve only spoke to him once after we split up, and that was when he just told me that he hated me.
I nervously walked over to Alex who was smiling down at his phone, typing away something as he stood by his locker. I instantly felt guilty as he looked up at me and the smile on his face disappeared.

“Babe I-”

“Do not call me that.” he mumbled, angerily.

“Sorry, habit. I just wanted to tell you that-”

“Whatever, I get it.” he interrupted me. I was thrilled that he was actually speaking, but he wouldn’t even let me get a word in.

“Lex-”

“You don’t have to remind me! I know that I was just one of your hook ups, you happy now? I was just dumb for falling for your tricks, I knew that it was too good to be true.” he sighed, his depressed words made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Hell no! Snap out of it, Lex, I made a mistake. Our whole relationship was completely real!” I exclaimed, hoping that something would get through to him.

“Stop lying, all you do is lie! I was just some game to you, I get it now. You got bored of me and moved on to someone else just like you always do. Just replace me with Tay.You’ve proven to me that one person will never be enough for you. You promised me that you were done with all of it, and you lied. You lied to me about everything, I have no idea who you even are anymore” he turned around to walk away from me but I quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to me.

Is that seriously what he thinks? That I just used him?
No Lex, oh my god.
I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through with him now. I hurt him too much.
I just want him back but I just did everything wrong.

“You’re enough Alex, you’re all I fucking want. We don’t have to throw all of this away, we can keep trying, I’m here for you.” I promised, grabbing both of his wrists as he tried to pull away from me.

“No Jack! I don’t want to be with you, it hurts too much!” he whined, looking up at me with the same brown eyes I fell in love with, except they were filled with hurt and betrayal.

“I will do anything to make you trust me again, baby. I swear to god, I don’t know how to convince you because you have no reason to believe me.” I mumbled.

“Let me go,” Alex breathed, tugging on his arms but I wouldn’t let go.

I couldn’t fucking let go of him.
I can’t just forget about us like we never happened. He’s my life.
I want to fix this I don’t want us to just be a memory I look back on.

Alex can’t fucking be the one that got away.
I won’t let him.

His bold eyebrows were pinched together in anger and confusion, I loosened my grip on his wrists and he immediately pulled away from me.
I was shocked that he didn’t sprint off in the other direction, he just stared at me looking hurt.

“I don’t want to be with you Jack, not anymore. Please don’t make me. It hurts to love you, I’m so sick of being in pain like this. It feels like my heart is being broken over and over and over again, I just want to be happy like I was but I can’t because of you. I can’t be happy with you, and I can’t be happy without you, it hurts so fucking bad so see you.”

I felt my heart break from his honest words. I was causing him so much pain, constantly, by just trying to make everything better between us.
I can’t fucking live without him, but he can’t live with me in his life right now.

“It’s okay, I understand Lex… It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry for upsetting you, I’m sorry for putting you through all this fucking shit in the first place. You really don’t deserve any of this. You’re going to be okay.” I wrapped my arms around his middle to hug him, and was really surprised when he didn’t shove me away from him.

I smiled as I felt his arms wrap around my lean body, and Alex sighed and hugged me back.
My heart felt like it was beating out of it’s chest.

What does this mean?
Is he willing to give us another shot?
Does he forgive me?

I know I was being completely ridiculous. He just wanted a little comfort.
I placed my chin on the top of his head, trying to remember the last time that I hugged him and getting angry with myself as I couldn’t even recall the memory.

“What could I have done?” he asked me in a small voice.

I looked down to see tears pooling in his eyes, making me frown. I reached up one hand and wiped his eyes gently with the sleeve of my jacket, biting my lip to resist the urge to soothe my broken boy with a kiss.

“What do you mean, babe?” I asked him quietly. I knew I wasn't sappose to call him 'babe,' but I did anyway, I don't think I could ever be able to stop.

“To make it better? How could I have been better? What could I have done to make you stay with me?” he asked, staring up at me, he looked so fucking serious it hurt.

I hugged him tighter, burying my face in his shoulder, feeling tears well in my eyes.

“Nothing, baby. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Ever.” I promised him.

He blames himself. Fucking shoot me.

“Please, just tell me how I could’ve been better.” he begged me.

“Lex, you could not have been better. You are as good as anybody fucking gets. You’re as high as my standards go, there isn’t any better than you, and I fucking had you. You didn’t do anything that made me want to stray from you, I didn’t want to, I still don’t want to.
I’m not ready for us to just be finished, you’re Alex, you’re my baby, the love of my fucking life.
I know you can’t believe me right now but I made a dumb, stupid, horrible mistake. I’ve made many of them, and I will regret them for the rest of my fucking life.
I was the one who screwed up, I was the one that let the best thing that ever happened to me slip right through my fingers.
We were perfect, we were happy and we had a bright future ahead of us. I’m the asshole that cheated, it is my fault that you are hurting right now. You did nothing wrong, ever. You were a better boyfriend than I could ever imagine, don’t ever blame yourself for a second, okay?”

Alex sniffles, staring up at me with wide brown eyes, shocked by my words but I don’t think he believed a word I said. I mean, why would he?

“Okay,” he breathed, I wasn’t sure if he thought I was telling the truth or not.

I stared into his warm, deep chocolate eyes, the ones that still give me butterflies whenever he’d shoot me a wink when he was singing, or how they’d be half open when I’d wake up with him in the morning because he was still just so tired.

I looked down at his alluring, plump pink lips that I’ve missed so badly, and I couldn’t resist.

I leaned in closer to him, but was quickly pushed away, and I backed away a few steps.

“D-Don’t… Don’t try to kiss me! You’re so manipulative! You think everything’s okay now?” he stared at me in shock. Yeah, that was a dick move.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, holding my arms up in surrender.

Dammit Jack ,why did you do that?

“I’ve heard that plenty,” Alex muttered angrily.

“It’s because it’s fucking true!” I argued, getting pissed at myself. He was starting to believe me!
Why did I kiss him? Ugh, I’m such an idiot. I actually thought he would kiss me back.

“Stop. Fucking. Lying.” Alex sniffled.

“I’m not lying!”

“I have no reason to believe anything you say, my life is hell and it’s all because of you!!” Alex exclaimed, he bent down to pick up his backpack and walked away, leaving me an emotional train wreck.



I don’t know how I was ever going to get through to him. He’s so stubborn and convinced that everything I did was just a trick.

How could I help him?

Whenever I try to talk to him he ends up crying, whenever I’m not around him he looks just as miserable.
He needs me but I ruined him.

All I wanted to do was climb into my bed and cry, but I had to do what I planned to do at the beginning of the day.

I begrudgingly walked into the library, knowing that Tay was in here because she always comes here for study hall.

I knew I had to apologize no matter how much I was dreading it, and how I only felt a little bit guilty. I snapped at her because I was devastated and pissed off, and I still am, I handled my emotions the only way I really know how, which is yelling and hitting things.

She’s put me through serious hell recently, but I’m not going to lose her friendship because of it.

I found her in a corner, with her nose in a textbook. She didn’t even notice me when I sat down next to her she was so focused on her work.
I grabbed the book and pulled it out of her reach, and she flinched when she saw me, looking down at the floor immediately.

She reminds me of Alex sometimes.

I opened my mouth to speak but she started talking before me.

“I get that you hate me Jack, I understand. There’s no need to tell me a second time.” she sighed.

Ugh, god. Are all my friends depressed? Is this all because of me?
Yup, wow, I really fucked up not only my own life, but everyone else’s in the process.
I deserve an award.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” I told her honestly.

“No, you’re not.” Tay scoffed in disbelief, looking at me with ‘Are you kidding me?’ eyes.

“I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m an asshole so I usually just come off that way, but you know that by now.” I shrugged, making her crack a smile.

“I wasn’t thinking straight when I snapped at you like that. I was so devastated about losing Alex, I didn’t think anyone else’s feelings mattered because I was so broken. I was a jerk, I should've talked to you like a normal person but instead I was just a hothead.” I admitted.

“It’s okay, Jack” she assured me.

“No, it’s not-”

“It is. I forgive you for it.”

I sighed. If only Alex was that forgiving.

“Why would you be in love with me?” I asked her.
There are so much better, nicer people than me that would treat her with more respect.

“Do you think I want to be in love with someone who loves someone else? My best friend?” she asked me sarcastically.

“What happened between you and Zack?” I questioned.

“I just liked you too much, I didn’t want to be with anyone else.” she admitted in a hushed voice, I instantly felt guilty.

“Tay…”

“Just forget that I said anything.” she muttered, obviously disappointed.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.” I shrugged.
It’s not my fault I don’t feel the same way, it’s not her fault she’s in love with me.
I feel terrible that things have happened this way but there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I just have to get over you” she sighed, seeming more determined than before.

“I’m really, really sorry. Maybe this would work if I never met-”

“Alex, yeah, I know.”

“He’s the one. I’m sorry you’re disappointed Tay, but I don’t know what you expected me to do. I’m glad you told me, but I never thought that you thought that I would leave Alex. I’m not the guy for you Tay, we wouldn’t be good together. We’re too similar and different in all the wrong ways that it just wouldn’t work.” I shrugged with a frown.

It must be hard for her to hear and I feel terrible, but she needs a bit of a reality check.

She was staring at the ground, nodding in agreement but obvious dismay.

“I’m sorry i kissed you even though I didn’t feel the same way. It must’ve been very confusing, I just felt really guilty. It was a new low even for me, I thought that I changed from the way I used to be but I guess not.” I sighed.

“You have changed, Jack.” she told me with a small smile on her face.

“Not enough,” I muttered.

“Well, you shouldn’t have to change that much for Alex.” she pinched her eyebrows together.

“No Tay. Alex changes me in a good way. He makes me a way better person, and now not having him makes me an asshole again so…” I trailed off, knowing I proved my point.

“You aren’t an asshole. Old Jack wouldn’t have came to me and apologized like this.” she smiled.

“I guess he rubs off on me even when he hates me.” I wanted to smile but I couldn’t.
I had no reason to.

“I’m sorry for what happened, Jack. I don’t know… you’re just a charming guy that everyone falls in love with once in awhile. Some people fall harder than others. I guess Alex was the lucky one that won the prize.” Tay explained to me.

“Alex is the prize, not me.” I told her.

“Just fix it between you too.” she told me, she sounded like she was trying to convince herself just as much as she was me.

“He can barely look at me.” I admitted.

“I can try to talk to him if you want.” she offered.

“Oh, I don’t know. That might be overwhelming for him, he’s going through enough right now.” I told her. I had no idea how he would react by talking to Tay.

“Just let me try, I’ll explain what really happened.” she said hopefully, standing up from her seat.

“You can try,” I shrugged.

Notes

GUYS
I’M BACK
I know its been 8 FUCKING DAYS
But i am back with an insanely long, and dramatic update to make up for it

But you guys… i have some sad news :(
okay, so obviously school time is just around the corner, at least for me
it starts in a week and i am very much not excited
And school time means less updates
I KNOW ITS HORRIBLE
Im just a small bean in highschool but homework is a lot and stuff, but i don’t do sports, so i will still have plenty of freetime, so I’m not going anywhere off this website.

But i don’t think it’ll be everyday anymore, it’ll probably be like twice a week maybe :(
Maybe more, who knows.
Everyday updates were very fun while they lasted, i would much rather be writing fan fiction then going to school or doing homework, trust me.

Okay, and i’ve been going through some hard stuff latly which is bumming me out, and it’s killing all of my motivation to write which sucks, and is why i've been lame on updates

It went to the doctor recently and got some help and i really hope it makes me feel better, it’s not anything serious don;t worry, i just wanna let you know whats happenin

I was feeling super shitty about life latly, and im sick of putting on a fake smile and i felt bad about not updating because i know you guys like how much i update and you look forward to it and im sorry :(

I re read your guy’s comments and they made me vERY VERY HAPPY

Literally you guys can cheer me up and make me feel confident in my writing again in seconds because of all the sweet things you say, i’m thrilled and still shocked that you guys actually like my writing, and the sweet comments that you leave are so amazing ahhhhh

So then i got super motivated to write so here is this chapter

This is a LONG ASS AUTHORS NOTE

Okay, so ik i say this all the time but plz leave comments if you don’t mind, cuz they make me probably more happy then they should, and it helps me a lot and i feel a lot better about the stuff i write after i see that you guys actually like it and then i wanna write more it’s all around just rlly great lol

plus if anyone wants to talk to me about anything at all you can just message me im always free to talk about stuff, literally anything im here for you guys, if anybody needs a buddy i gotchu <3

and i’m in the middle of writing another story that im super excited about and i really like it
its somewhat like this one, cuz it’s high school stuff but it’s a lot different and i love it, and it’s gonna be funny and i’m SO EXCITED.

its like this big love triangle thing, actually there's two love triangles in it wow

the prologue is kind of terrible but after you get past that i rlly like it, sorry that sounds conceited but im just really proud of it

I’ve said that im excited like 6 times but im just excited, NEW STORIES ARE MY FAVORITE

I think that you will love it too, at least i hope so, so please check it out :D
http://www.alltimelowfanfiction.com/Story/85322/Shut-Up-And-Kiss-Me-Now/


Okay
OBNOXIOUS AUTHORS NOTE IS OVER
I’m writing a bunch now that i got some free time so new chapter will be posted sometime soon! :D

OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT THERE WAS SOME ALMOST JALEX IN THIS CHAPTER
Jacks long rant OH MYGOD
And in the next chapter tay is gonna talk to alex ooooo


How is alex so attractive i cant take it


Title Credit- Tidal Waves