Jack


I fucking lost him.
His heartbreaking words stung, I felt it in my heart, feels like a punch in the gut
I made the boy who loved me, hate me.

There’s literally nothing I can do about it now because he can’t even stand the sight of me.
I was shocked that he let me put my hands on his hips, I thought he would slap me in the face after I did that but he didn’t fight me.

That was honestly the highlight of my day.

I don’t think that explaining why I lied to him all this time, and telling him why I kissed Tay, would change any of his opinions about me, so why should I bother trying anymore. I doubt that he would even believe me!!

I trudged back to my locker in total defeat, after Alex told me that he hated me and left, I ran to the bathroom and leaned over the sink, taking deep breaths trying not to let the tears prickling in my eyes spill over.

I sound like such a pussy, crying just because Alex told me that he hated me, but it felt like someone just ripped my heart out and crushed it in their hands.
I made Alex cry dozens of times, I literally just made the beautiful boy cry seconds ago.

I wanted nothing more than to engulf him in a tight hug, wiping away his tears and kissing him until the bad thoughts would go away. But I fucking couldn’t.

After a few minutes of shaky breaths and sniffles, I went back to my own locker to see that Rian and Cass were standing by it. Of fucking course they are.

“How’d it go dude?” Rian asked me, placing a hand on my shoulder, seeing through the blank face I put up knowing that I was completely broken inside.

“I thought you hated me,” I muttered to Cass who was standing next to him.

“I don’t. You’ve done some bad things Jack, you’re not a terrible person.” she told me.

“I’d disagree.” I scoffed at her words, opening my locker and grabbing a black hoodie.

“What’d Alex say to you?” Rian asked me.

“It doesn’t fucking matter anymore, just fuck off.” I snapped, pulling the sweatshirt over my head before slamming my locker door closed.
I pressed my forehead into the metal, the cool surface tingled on my burning hot forehead.

I just want to be alone.

“I’m guessing he didn’t take it very well.” Cass muttered, glaring at me and my outburst.

“I tried apologizing, he wouldn’t answer me, I kept talking and he just told me that he hated me and left!! So no, he didn’t take it very fucking well.” I growled.

I was so done with everyone’s opinions, everyone’s bullshit excuses for me.
I’m fucking done with everyone.

“Oh Jack-”

“Get the hell away from me, I don’t want your pity, I did this to myself. Go make out in a supply closet or whatever the fuck you guys do.” I told them, Rian looked taken aback but Cass looked pissed.

“You didn’t mean to hurt him like this Jack, you love him.” she defended me from myself.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I broke his heart, and he fucking hates me now!! You guys can say all the bullshit you want to try to convince yourselves shit, or do anything you want to try to make me feel better, but your wasting your breath. I fucking ruined everything, so just leave me the hell alone!!!” I exclaimed, I turned around to leave but Rian grabbed the my hood, pulling me back towards the two of them.

“Look, asshole Jack has returned.” Rian told Cass, she nodded.

“What are you talking about?” I questioned.

“Well, you were like this before you met Alex, then he moved here from England and you stopped being a dick to everyone, and when you were dating him you weren’t bad at all. Now that you don’t have him anymore you’re back to being the same jerk as before.” Rian explained to me, making me scoff. That’s not what was happening.

“Well I don’t need you guys, just stop being my friend then.” I challenged.

“No,” Rian glared at me.

“I’m not going to put up with you guys bitching about me all the time-”

“You need us right now Jack, this isn’t the real you. Alex made you a better person, that was the real you. You were nice, and funny, and charming, now you’re just a dick because you’re hurt. You’re sad and guilty and you don’t know any other way to express your emotions other than being angry.” Cass explained to me.

A wave of guilt was through me, realizing how much of a jerk I was to my best friends who are somehow still by my side after all the shitty things I’ve done to them and other people.
Without Alex I'm just this angry, selfish bastard that doesn’t care about anyone but myself.

He made me such a better person, I need him in my life.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled, I heard both of them sigh.

Cass hugged me, but I didn’t bother hugging her back.
I gotta keep my anger under control, I don’t want to snap at people like that.

“I just don’t know how I’m going to live with myself knowing I hurt Alex that badly, and he’s never going to forgive me.” I told them in a weak voice, I felt the tears prickling in my eyes again but I wouldn’t let them go anywhere.

Not here, not in public. Not ever.

“We’ll think of something to do, it’ll be okay.” Rian patted my back.

“Sorry if I’m a dick to you guys, can’t help it.” I mumbled, Cass squeezed me tighter.

“It’s okay, you’re just a hot head. If you need anyone to talk to anytime, I’m here for you” she told me.

I hugged her back, she was shorter than Alex which was weird, because I don’t hug people that aren’t Alex. His head usually just fits right under my chin, so I could lean my head on him, Cass I had to bend down to hug.

I miss my adorable boyfriend.
Now he’s my adorable ex boyfriend.

It was really hard trying to keep my anger under control throughout the day.
I’ve been trying everything but nothing seems to work.

Usually when I get pissed like this I could just hold Alex’s hand, or he could kiss me and I’d feel instantly relaxed and comfortable.

He was like my own personal anger medication or something.
Alex is a drug, he’s so fucking addicting with his perfect messy hair, dimples, doe eyes, toned arms and squeezable butt. Now that I’m without him, I’m going fucking insane.

I’ve been snapping at teachers, I already have 3 detentions lined up this week, I pushed some chubby kid that was walking too slowly in front of me into a locker, I insulted this girl for wearing too much perfume and choking the entire hallway with its strong scent.

If Alex saw me do any of those things he’d be disgusted, but Alex hates me so what’s the point in trying to impress the pretty boy now.

The sleep deprivation wasn’t really helping either. I felt exhausted but my mind kept me awake

I saw Alex in the hall earlier, looking cute with his beanie and tight jeans, holding his textbooks loosely in his arms, and I quickly realized he was walking alone. I always walk him to his classes, he never walks alone to places.
I was debating on scooping the books out of his hands and walking with him, but I knew that I’d just make him cry again.

I hate seeing my beautiful boy cry, it made me want to cry and break whoever made him cry, but now he’s crying over me.

I laid in my bed, staring at my ceiling fan slowly turning, squeaking with every rotation.
It was 3 in the morning, and I still haven’t slept at all.

I tossed and turned in my bed, staring at Alex’s side that was way too empty.
I grabbed his pillow and stuffed my face in it, I could smell the shampoo that he uses on his perfect hair. I wish he was here right now.

I decided to take Cass up on her offer, because she said no matter what time if I needed a talk she’d answer. I couldn’t sleep anyway so maybe this will help.

I dialed her phone number into my phone and listened as the phone ringed.

“Why the fuck are you calling my girlfriend at 3 in the morning? Just because you lost the love of your life doesn’t mean you get to hook up with mine!!” Rian’s angry voice that was laced with sleep yelled through the phone, making me laugh.

“Dude! I’m not trying to hook up with Cass!” I assured him. I heard talking in the background, I assumed that Cass had woken up now.

“Give me the phone Ri, go back to bed!!” Cass exclaimed, making me chuckle.

They are honestly an old married couple.

“Sorry, he’s staying over tonight because my parents are out of town for the week. Are you okay, Jack? ” she asked me, sounding tired but concerned.

“No, I can’t fall asleep without Alex next to me.” I admitted.

I heard her sigh through the phone.

“Oh Jack… well what about when he didn’t sleep over? How’d you sleep then?” she asked.

“He slept over 5 nights a week, the other nights we facetime until we fall asleep. We can’t sleep without each other.”

“Oh my god, Jack, honey that’s so sweet. I mean, not anymore…”

“What’d he say?” I heard Rian’s voice.

“He can’t fall asleep without Alex.” Cass reported, I heard him ‘Awww’

“Jack… That really sucks man, I’m sorry all this happened.” he apologized.

“I’m in hell.” I told them.

“I bet Alex is too, he can’t sleep without you either.” Cass told me, which was true.

I didn’t think of that, my poor baby. He was even worse than I was, he needed my arms wrapped around him and his arms wrapped around me to fall asleep. The facetime calls barley helped, but somehow he got to sleep eventually.

“I want to call him so bad,” I admitted.

“Do it!” Rian encouraged. I doubt that he would answer.

“No, don’t! It’ll get you, and especially him more worked up than now, so you’ll never sleep.” she told me. She does have a point.
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with school tomorrow, I will be even crankier than I was today.

“Why don’t you just jerk off to him or something?” Rian asked me.

“Ewwww Ri,” Cass whined.

“That’s not a bad idea, maybe i’ll go to sleep after that, I guess.” I thought about it. I usually fell asleep after me and Alex had sex, I don’t usually masterbate at 3 in the morning so I donno if it’ll make me more tired or more energized. It’s worth a shot.

“Gross, whatever, I’m gonna go back to sleep, if you can’t go to bed after you...masterbate to your ex boyfriend… then make yourself some tea-”

“Oh, Alex loves tea.” I interrupted her, smiling remembering what it was like kissing him when he’d just had some. His lips were hot and tasted amazing.

“Jack, you’re not going to be one of those ex’s are you?” Rian groaned.

Honestly I probably will be. Whenever I would think of singing, or beanies, or space, or butts, I think of Alex.

“Then put on the TV, or play some rain sounds because that’s relaxing, or try meditation” she kept listing things but I knew nothing would work.

“Or even take a sleeping pill, I don’t know, I’m so so sorry Jack, I’m here to talk if you need anything. You know you can call me anytime, I’m glad you did now. I hope this helped.” she went on, making me smile.
She’s so sweet, that reminds me of something Alex would do. Dammit!!!
Yup, I am one of those ex’s.

“Yeah, thanks Cass.”

“Try jerking off though, it’ll work.” Rian told me making me chuckle.

“Thanks Ri, love you guys.” I told them.

“We love you too, goodnight.”

I sighed, and rolled over onto my back. Now to think about fucking Alex.
I went on my phone, scrolling through pictures to see if I had any good material.

I could easily just think about him moaning underneath me, but I want to look at him while I do it.

I smiled at a picture Cass send of me and Alex cuddled up on Rian’s couch after band practice, asleep. I remember that day, we’d practiced for 4 hours and we were exhausted, Alex had nearly lost his voice and my fingers were sore from the guitar.

I kept scrolling, and found a picture of Alex when he looked really hot one day. He had is adorable little beanie, smiling with his dimples, he obviously didn’t know that I was talking the picture or he would be hiding from me, but he looked so good I couldn’t help but capture it.

I didn’t want to jerk off to his innocent smiling face though.

Too bad he went on my phone and deleted the not so innocent nudes that he sent me. He regretted it right after he sent them, and he was embarrassed after he realized what he did and went on my phone and deleted them so nobody else could see them. It was a real shame, I wish I saved them onto my laptop or something because they were amazing.

I kept scrolling through my camera roll, and instantly smiled when I found another picture of him. He was shirtless, wearing my grey sweatpants that he looked so good in, sitting criss cross applesauce legged on my kitchen counter, with messy bed head and tired looking eyes. He was staring at me who was a few feet away from him, making him his favorite chocolate chip pancakes. He’d always get chocolate on his face when he ate them, it was so fucking cute.
Awww, I remember he still had his sleepy voice, and he was all cuddly, and we went back to bed and watched movies and fell back asleep after breakfast.

I was having way too much fun looking at all these.

I scolled by random pictures till I found one that made tears well up in my eyes.
It was a picture of me kissing Alex’s cheek, Alex had his nose all crinkled up because he was laughing, adorable dimples on his cheeks and a huge smile on his face.

We were so happy that day.

I threw my phone across my bed and sobbed into my pillow.

I miss him so much.

Notes

looooong chapterrrr
i was gonna make it two but i was like NOPEEE

poor baby jack :(
he's being mean cuz he's pushing people into lockers and yelling at his friends
but he doesnt want to be mean, he's just sad that he lost his Alex
HE'S SO SADDDD
why is this story so SADDD
and the last part...MY HEART HURTS FOR HIM

if jack is this sad now, once he hears about alex and kellin........ :'(

MY BEANS

by the way, when i grew up i learned how to call sitting in that position criss cross apple sauce, i dont know if you guys know the same term, i dont know any other name for it, if you dont know what it is you can look it up if your confused, or ask me or something

and guys THERE IS TAY'S POV IN THE NEXT CHAPTER WHOOOOOOOO
I LOVE WRITING AS HER BUT IT'S HARD CUZ IT DOESN'T NORMALLY FIT WITH THE STORY

its okay, im EXCITED!!!

sooooooooooooo
what do you guys feel about angry jack?
what is your opinion on tay right now?
what do you think is gonna happen nextttttt?
tell me in the comments plz, i love all u guys, and comments mean a lot to meh :)

my BEAN

Title Credit- If These Sheets Were The States