Can I Say I'm Sorry?

Alex came back into the room and I was scrambling away from the door, it was obvious that I was listening in on the conversation. I could tell that he wasn’t happy; I didn’t want to hear the words from his mouth because he had just promised that he was going to stick with me and a part of me wished that he had told the truth and not just another beautiful lie. Why was Jack lying, he knew damn well that Mark has been out of the picture since I came off tour last. Jack knew that he and I were never going to be together, that was our unspoken agreement which both of us were fine with.

“You said Mark was gone,” Alex said, surprisingly calm.

“He is. He left me. He left, took mostly everything from my apartment that he was staying in and took off while I was out of town. He didn’t even break up with me face to face; he sent me a text about how he found someone better than me. I swear I’m not lying to you, I’m many things but a cheater isn’t one,” I said quickly.

“Then why did Jack-“

I cut him off, “I don’t know why Jack said that. All I know is he didn’t want me to do anything at your wedding. He grabbed my leg before I stood up and walked out. I don’t know Lex, I really don’t.”

“Could he have feelings for you?”

I couldn’t hold back a laugh. That was hilarious in my mind, I didn’t really do love and neither did he so what were the chances of falling for each other? Hell, if one of us should’ve fallen it should’ve been me and not him. He came to my house with one thing on his mind and I was fine with that. He was fine with it. Could he have brought me with him to Baltimore because he had feelings for me? He brought me to the wedding so that I would see that I should move on because even though I denied I had feelings for Alex he knew that I still did.

“Could that be why he brought me to your wedding,” I asked.

Alex wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I felt terrible, I felt like I was just adding unnecessary stress into his life. If I never showed up to his wedding then he would be married, he wouldn’t have to worry about me. I’d be off doing whatever it is that I do. A part of me wished I had never shown up out of the blue and stepped back into his life. It wasn’t really fair to him the more I thought about it, he was doing fine and then I jumped back in after leaving unannounced and expected everything to be the same.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“For,” he asked.

“I’m sorry I ruined your wedding. I’m sorry that you’re here with me instead of the girl you love. I’m sorry that I stepped back in and expected you to still love me even though I gave you no reason to. I’m just sorry.”

“Shay, stop. You didn’t ruin anything. If I didn’t want to be here I wouldn’t be. If I didn’t care about you to the extent that I do I wouldn’t have walked out of the chapel. I wouldn’t have tried to find you. Hell, I wouldn’t have kissed you. I wouldn’t have looked around to try to find you. I never stopped loving you Shay, it was just easier to push the feelings away because I saw how much better you were doing without me and it made me feel terrible. I guess I wanted to prove that you weren’t the only one who could move on even though inside I knew you were.”

“Why did you never tell me?”

At this point I was seated in Alex’s lap facing him, our faces very close. If I wanted I would have to lean very little to kiss but I didn’t want to, not right now at least. For the first time in a long time we were talking, we were honest with each other. I didn’t want to ruin what was going on even though the mood of the room was something that I was just not comfortable with. We needed to have this discussion, it was something that was years in the making. I had finally grown up which was bitter sweet in itself. I had gotten to the point where I was done running from the things that were easier left unsaid; I was done running whenever I was uncomfortable. I was just done running in general.

“How could I tell you? You were gone, you were out living your own life, hell I was certain that I never crossed your mind. I kept telling myself that I needed to stop caring about someone who didn’t care about me. I had to give up the hope of ever having you like this again, hell of ever having you in my life again. I was going to tell you I still loved you at graduation. You were supposed to be seated behind me so I wasn’t able to see you and it was way too crazy beforehand to try to find you. I waited eagerly for your name and it was skipped. You weren’t called. The guys stayed with me that night, I felt so alone. I felt like you just gave up, walked out forever. When you walked into the studio almost four years to the day later I was certain it was you but I had given up the hope of ever seeing you again.

You were so much more confident that day too; it was as if you actually were a completely different person. I had Layla in my life at that point; I wasn’t going to get rid of a good thing on something that was barely even a dream. I had enough wishes granted in my life, one more would be straight selfish. That night I told you I was going to marry her I wanted you to tell me you loved me. I wanted to hear that I should be marrying you instead. That wasn’t what I heard. I thought that I had seen the last of you once the tour was done. Then I saw you stand up at the wedding, you were stunning, and when you walked out I realized that if I didn’t follow I was going to regret it for the rest of my life. You know the rest of the story from there.”

I was looking down at my hands which were planted on his chest. He had fallen so in love with me that he didn’t care about anything else. He had no idea that I had felt the same way but I was better at running away from it than he was. Hell, if there was a way to get paid from running from my problems I’d probably be a millionaire. I pressed my lips to his; I still couldn’t get over how it felt as if no time had passed when we kissed. It felt like we were still in high school, waiting for the day when we got out, him because he had a record deal and me because I had aspirations. We were two kids, stupid and fearless; kissing him brought me back to that. Though we were four years older, now in our twenties, we were still teenagers when we kissed.

“I missed that,” I whispered.

“I’ve always missed you,” he whispered.

“You know, the move was hard for me too. I was physically running away from this place. Baltimore, it had too many memories. I had decided I was going to move before I even had a job there. Missing graduation was hard, I think the hardest part is when Mark came up to me I was scrolling through the old pictures of us on my phone. I didn’t delete them; I kept them I guess to break my heart over and over again. Once we got to talking and he decided to come with me and all of that I deleted your number. I guess I kind of hoped that you would text me at some point. That somehow we would meet over in California. That we could make brand new memories on new streets. I guess a part of me thought that if we met again that we could start all over, wipe the slate clear. Then we met and things were awkward and then they were good and then I was left alone, cradling a broken heart again and all I knew that I did wrong was say the truth. I gave up that night on ever having you again; I don’t know why I let Jack bring me to the wedding. I guess I just wanted the closure, that way my heart would stop hurting, it would just be simpler I guess.”

“Shay, I’m not leaving you again, even if you push me away I’m going to be right here. You’re stuck with me now.”

“Alex, I… I don’t want you to leave me.”

“That’s why I’m staying right here babe.”

I curled into his chest, his arms wrapping around me waist. If you told eighteen year old me that this was going to happen I would’ve laughed in your face. I guess this is what happens when you don’t give up on your first love. Yeah, I’m surprised as hell that I was here; I wouldn’t have walked out of my wedding for someone that broke my heart. Even though I thought I had moved on my heart still swore that I hadn’t and I guess it was right because here I was, curled up with my first love. I guess there was a difference between loving him and being in love with him because I sure as hell was invested in his life and I just wanted to be a part of it.

Notes

There's probably only going to be one, maybe two, more chapters of this story. I hope y'all like this, it was supposed to be up last night but I fell asleep really early so that's why it's up now. Also, I've been obsessed with Sum 41's new song War since it came out and I listen to it at least four times a day, just saying.

Rate and comment if you enjoyed :)

Title credit: Dial Tones - As It Is