Can I Say I'm Sorry?

“Where the fuck did you go,” Alex yelled.

“Why do you fucking care? I’m my own person,” I yelled back.

“And I deserve to know where you went. You left your phone; I was worried sick when I got back from the bathroom. Shay, I lost you for long enough, I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Then stop worrying about me, Alex, I can take care of myself, I have been for years.”

“I just care about you Shay. I want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“Lex, I’ve been taking care of myself for years, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

He pulled me into his arms as we sat on the couch. It was weird to be back in his arms, it was everything that I had ever dreamed of but still it was foreign. I couldn’t place what was different, I loved him but being in his arms brought back the memories of me breaking his heart. It wasn’t the first time and I couldn’t promise that would be the last time either. I seemed to have a bad habit of destroying the things I loved out of fear.

I felt uncomfortable in his arms or maybe it was my mind that was destroying it this time. I mean, he walked out of his own wedding, made out with me, flipped off his ex-fiancée, and ditched the ceremony for me but still my brain was telling me that he didn’t love me still. That this was just some ploy to break my heart, leave me alone, hold my heart in my hands as the blood drips from it. When I left he might have been empty but I was heartless because how do you love when your heart is shattered in your chest?

“Talk to me Shay, when you shut off it scares me,” he whispered into my hair.

“And I’m not afraid to be here right now, with you, admitting the things I couldn’t even tell myself without bursting into tears,” I muttered.

“I left my fucking wedding for you!”

“I didn’t ask you to. I just couldn’t watch it, I didn’t ask for you to follow me. I didn’t ask for you to try to console me. I didn’t ask for any of that.”

“So you don’t even want to give us another shot?”

“I do but I’m so afraid.”

“Why?”

“Because whenever someone swears that they love me they leave. That’s it they’re done. No one has ever stuck around long enough for me to fucking fall for them. Because my problems are too difficult for their fucking lives like it’s easy for me. Because whenever someone swears that they love me and that they’ll never leave I find them in bed with another girl because I wasn’t good enough. Because if love means that they’ll cheat and leave then why would I want it?”

I didn’t feel the tears until I felt Alex brush them away. Why had I told him that? Those were things I had a hard time admitting to myself still. I crawled into his lap, his arms wrapping tightly around me. As much as I didn’t want to I felt myself melting into his touch. I was still afraid that Alex was going to leave because what reason did he have to stay? If I was in his shoes I couldn’t promise that I would stay because who needs someone else’s problems to add to your own life?

“I’m not going to leave you baby, you’re stuck with me,” he whispered.

“I wish I could believe that,” I whispered back.

“I will give everything for you to see that I do love you. Even if you don’t believe in love I’ll show you a different definition of it. I swear I will never leave you.”

“You’re not the first.”

“But I’ll be the fucking last because I love you and I won’t destroy the things I love.”

“Lex, I can’t promise that. I think I can love you but I can’t forgive myself for ever hurting you.

“Then I’ll love you enough for the both of us and I’ll trust you enough for the both of us.”

I looked up at him, tears still pricking at the corners of my eyes. He lifted my chin up and pecked my lips softly but even that was enough for my heart to soar. That was a feeling I assumed I’d never feel again because I was simply trying to fill the hole he left in my life. I looked softly into the hazel eyes that I’d drunken to forget on more than one occasion. His hand played with my long hair that was cascading onto his arm. I remembered all the things I had done to forget him because forgetting was easier than remembering.

He sighed and got off the couch as his phone was ringing yet again. I was curious who it was this time, Rian, Zack or Jack to tell us what a mistake we were making. That we were childish, throwing away our reality on a dream that was never going to come true and I couldn’t help but think they were right, a happily ever after wasn’t in my future. I saw the look Alex gave me which told me it was Jack on the phone. He excused himself, taking the room key before going into the hallway to talk in private. I knew this didn’t only have to deal with me but maybe the fact that I slept with Jack the night before the wedding. I sat by the door, my ear against it, because the curiosity was eating at me.

“Jack, shut the fuck up. Sex doesn’t matter, drop it at that. Look, I love her and she loves me, why isn’t that good enough for you. She means more to me than Layla ever did, I should have listened to her in the first place because I don’t know what I am without her,” Alex said into the phone.

I wished I could hear on the other end because I heard a fist hit the wall, not hard enough to break through it but hard enough to show that Alex was frustrated. I could almost see him looking at the floor trying to put everything together that his best friend was saying. I couldn’t help but try to puzzle together the things that he might have been saying and I was dying for Alex’s response to let me know what was going on.

“She told me Mark was gone,” he whispered. “Is he really not?”

Notes

Sorry, I just kind of lost my shit last night. Also, my asshole ex boyfriend is going to be a father which is just weird but it's not my life so I guess it's just funny. I'm going back to school in like four days and that just isn't soon enough. I hope y'all like this chapter, I just needed to write and I was out of ideas for anything else.

Title credit: Your Bed - All Time Low