I looked over at Alex through the phone screen. I smiled into it seeing my face on the top corner through skype. I ran my free hand through my hair, the blonde veil going into my face. I shook it and for one of the first times Alex looked at me and he laughed softly as I was trying to get the hair out of my face. I laughed, covering my mouth with my free hand.

"You know you are beautiful right," he told me.

"You're such a dork," I said blushing.

"How are you though?"

"Honestly, I'm cold and lonely."

"Well quit your bitching."

"No, you need to be here and cuddle with me. I'm cold and I want your cuddles. I want you."

"Well, you'll be back soon enough and then we can cuddle and you can have me as much as you want princess."

"But I want you now Lexxy."

"But you're in Maine and I'm not."

I pulled the blanket tighter around me setting my phone down on the couch where I had been sleeping for the week. I looked down at it before laying down, positioning my phone so that I could still see him. He was typing papers for school right now so he wasn't really focusing on me but I just wanted to talk to him. Even just seeing him was enough to have butterflies in my stomach.

I shivered slightly before standing up to grab a hoodie to throw on on top of my tank top and sweat pants. It touched my mid thighs and I wrapped the long sleeves around myself in a hug. I curled back on the couch with the blanket wrapped around me. I picked the phone up to see Alex had his forehead pressed against the desk, groaning at the paper he had to finish soon.

"Can't you just send me yours," he asked.

"Well sure, except mine is on auto mechanics and you're doing yours on music," I laughed.

"Why do you have to be such a guy?"

"Because I took the easy way out and used my part time job for all of the experience that was needed to do this entire project?"

"Smartass."

"Am I a pretty smartass?"

He looked over at me and smiled, laughing slightly at me in general. I locked eyes with him through the camera and I felt my heart melt. Even with all the distance between us he still made me feel so powerless, like if he asked me to do anything I would without question. He did something to me that I would never be able to explain because in all honesty, I didn't know how he did it or even what he was doing.

I wanted nothing more than to just crawl through the screen and lay on his bed. I wanted him more than anything. I wanted for him to hold me in his arms because whenever he does I swear times stops. Whenever we are around each other I don't feel time passing anymore until he has to leave and then it all hits me at once. I swear I'm hitting the point where I can't even sleep without him by my side.

If this was what love felt like than I was less afraid because it was with him, that made it easier, more normal. If he were a drug than I was addicted but I wasn't afraid as he consumed my life, I was happy. I wanted nothing more than for everything to be ours as opposed to his or mine. Was I even ready to be in love though? That was something that I had never prepared for. I was never going to fall in love, that was for all the other girls, not for me at all. I wasn't deserving to be in love, I wasn't a good person. Only good people fall in love.

"Shay, what's going on," Alex asked, concerned.

"I'm sorry, I'm going to bed," I said, hanging up.

I laid down on the pillows to go to sleep, tears slipping from my eyes. How much longer until he realized that he could do a hundred times better than me? How much longer until he left me like I knew he was going to do because it was only a matter of time. He was going to leave like everyone else did because that's what always happened. He didn't really love me.

---

I gasped as I woke up, looking next to me, seeing the bed was empty. I sighed and unlocked the door to the balcony. I stepped outside and listened to the waves of the ocean. I looked down at my clothing that I was sleeping in and threw a bra on before grabbing our room key and leaving. I walked to the elevator and took it down to the lobby. I looked around and it was mostly silent, the one receptionist on duty was reading a book because it was after midnight so not much was going on. I walked outside towards the ocean, feeling the sand between my toes and under my feet.

I walked along the shore, feeling the water break and cover my feet. It felt nice outside and I just needed to think. I left my phone in the room, I didn't need a distraction, it wasn't like it had been on since the wedding anyway, Jack, Zack and Rian were probably pissed at me and I don't think I blame them.

"Do you love me," I questioned the silence.

I looked up at the moon that was casting a gleam onto the ocean. I looked down at my feet and everything that we had ever said hit me all at once. From good to bad I remembered all of them because no matter how much I tried to forget it I just couldn't keep them out of my mind.

"I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you," I whispered.

Notes

I can't stop thinking of all the texts we had, the phone conversations, everything and it's eating at my heart so much right now so that's what this chapter is about. I want to tell him the truth, all of it, but he hates me and I don't even know how to. I deserve closure, I deserve being able to sleep for one fucking night but I can't. I don't regret anything I said but I know he does. Emotions seriously suck, sorry for me rambling in this note, I just needed to say it.

Title Credit: Ironic - Alanis Morissette