Can I Say I'm Sorry?

I looked down at the text message that I had given hope up of ever seeing. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. There were three options and I hated myself for all of them. I was either going to answer it and push all the blame onto myself just to move past this, just to have Alex in my life again. Option two was to be rude. Neither of those sounded like what I was going to do though. I'd lost enough sleep, enough time, and enough energy trying to right all my wrongs with him. Option three sounded like what I was going to do and I hated myself for it. I was just going to close the messages and forget he ever sent one. Maybe if I felt like being a half decent person I would respond to it after hours, maybe days. I was hurt that he threw me aside so easily for my simple opinion. It was a complicated situation I could guess at the very least.

Times like this were when I realized that I was never going to have a "Happily Ever After." That's not how things worked out for me. The hopeless romantic will never waste their life on a possibility; there not going to wait for the slim chance that someone like me will ever fall in love. That's not how the world works. The prince doesn't take all the beatings for the princess for her to turn around and only reply with maybe. He'll find someone to give him what he wants. If he wants love he'll find the princess to give him love. If he wants sex he'll find the princess to give him just that. I'm typically the second of the two. Sex is just a night and that's it, a relationship can be forever and forever is a really long time. If I haven't loved myself forever than how am I supposed to love someone else forever?

"Do you want to talk," Heather asked, sitting next to me.

"Why am I such a selfish person," I asked before crying.

"Shay, you aren't."

I showed her all of the messages and told her everything. I went back almost five years to tell her absolutely everything about him and how much I loved him. I let her know about our past and how things had ended then. I told her about how I'm sterile and finally told Mark that. I told her about how Mark has already moved out. I told her about how much I dreaded coming home from tour because then I'll realize how alone I really am. How everyone talks about love and I crave that because the only time I had ever fallen in love I shoved him away. How I would do anything to hold him in my arms again, even as a friend. I told her everything and it felt like there was a weight lifted from my chest.

"Then why are you going back home alone once this tour ends," she asks.

"He's getting married," I muttered.

"Doesn't he live near you, at least somewhat? Reach out to him."

"It's not that simple."

"Why?"

"Because she knows what I said. She hates me, he's only reaching out so he can sleep at night. He doesn't care about my emotions, if he did he wouldn't go out of his way to talk about fucking her and how good it is. If he cared about my feelings he wouldn't compare me to her. If he cared he would shut up about marrying her. He's trying to prove that he's doing fine without me in his life. He's only reached out to me so he can clear his fucking mind. He wants to sleep and he can't. He wants to not feel like a piece of shit all the time and he is. That's why he reached out, not because he actually values my opinion, good or bad, but because he wants to sleep again. Because I want to sleep again too and all my dreams are plagued with his voice, his face, just him in general. I know I fucked up but he's been my friend for years, he should've known by now I was going to speak my mind. He was looking for a reason to get me out of his life."

I push my fists up to my eyes as I cried. It felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, my chest hurt. I promised I would never be the girl that would let herself end up this way because of a guy but here I was, crying out my broken heart, desperate to feel anything besides numb. I had grown used to feeling numb because I just accepted that as the new normal.

Heather rubbed my back slowly as I was choking on my own tears. I hated crying but this is why I hadn't been wearing makeup. That way when I forgot to wipe it off no one would know the tears I had shed silently throughout the night. I wanted to take back the things I said but I knew that there was no way I could, I was stuck. The words were out and I couldn't take them back, much like toothpaste from the tube. Jack had told me how he planned on using our song as his first dance with her. That was probably the thing that hurt the most. Not that he had stopped talking to me and broke every promise. The fact that he was so desperate to replace me when I just wanted to take those years back. I hated what I said that morning; once it left my mouth I wanted to take it back.

I looked up, knowing my eyes were bloodshot and just looked at Heather. She wrapped her arms around me in a hug and just let me cry into her if I needed. This was the one thing that I didn't have a lot because with the guys I rarely talked emotions and I didn't have a lot of friends in general. I was afraid to be close to anyone because in the end they all seem to get tired of me.

"Shay, you need to realize that you are fucking priceless. Look at yourself in the mirror, you're beautiful and I don't mean just skin deep. I've seen how you react to people in different situations. You use sarcasm as a defense because in reality you are one of the sweetest people I've ever met. You would give the shirt off your back if you felt compelled to. The way you talk to fans is something else, you really want to know them. You're always there and I may not know you well but I feel like I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me, just give me advice. If he doesn't want you then he's just a fucking idiot because why would someone not want you in their life? You're the kind of person that everyone will spend there whole life looking for. He doesn't own you, you own yourself. If you want to tell him you love him then tell him. If you don't then don't. Stop letting him own you because you are too damn strong to have that bullshit in your life," Heather told me.

I watched as she stood up to get tissues for me. I hadn't spoken with her too much not only because of my own self observed drama but also because I typically didn't get along too well with other women. I looked over at her and gave her a slight smile, so small that I wasn't entirely sure she noticed. She came back in and handed me a box of tissues. I looked at her and she handed me them.

"Thanks Heather, I needed to hear that," I said, smiling a little bit more.

"No problem Shay, it's good to see you smile some," she told me.

Notes

No, I still haven't heard from him but if he decided that he hates me and wants me out of his life then fine, I'm done letting him own my emotions. This is going to take a really refreshing turn in the next chapter because I don't like Shay being sad. Also, kinda a dick move from Alex about the wedding isn't it. I know there's not a lot of dialouge in this chapter and that's just because I figured the thoughts and actions meant more than the dialouge in this. Also, I'm thinking of starting a YouTube channel when I have time of bass covers, maybe some vocal and piano covers, originals and things like that. Let me know what y'all's opinions on that would be cause I'm curious.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)

Title Credit: Story of a Lonely Guy - Blink 182