Can I Say I'm Sorry?

"Oh, so now you call me," Alex said.

"You're not one to talk you selfish prick," I muttered.

"You know you can be a real bitch!"

"You knew what you were getting into and at least I can admit it. I didn't realize that by calling you I was going to be verbally attacked when it seemed like you wanted to make peace. I'm not the one losing sleep over you. I've given up because what you think about me doesn't impact my life anymore. You better start talking instead of yelling before I hang up on your ass."

I was sitting in the back lounge, my long hair dangling onto the floor as my feet were pressed against the window over the bench I was in. Heather was up at the front of the bus probably making food while the band was doing an interview. It was about two weeks since he sent me the text and I had finally decided to stop being petty and try to right my wrongs. However, Alex didn't care about righting his wrongs as much as I did. I admit that I shouldn't have said some of what I did but I can't go back and stop myself now. He also said things he shouldn't, I'm just an adult and can apologize for my wrongs.

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry," he muttered.

"I need something less forced because I was in tears when I was trying to apologize," I said.

"Alright, I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have attacked you. You were just voicing your opinion and in your defense I knew that you were going to because I've known you for years. You have a habit of speaking your mind even when people don't want to hear it."

"I'm sorry for what I said because I shouldn't have said it. It was uncalled for, I just don't want to see you getting hurt again."

I threw my legs over so that I could roll to sit properly. From there I stood up and went into the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked to the table, Heather was staring at me with an inquisitive look on her face. I knew that she was curious as to who I was talking to.

"Then listen to me when I say she really is the one, I'm in love Shay," he pleaded.

"If you're marrying her so she doesn't leave she isn't the one, plain and simple. The one is going to wait for you, even when it physically hurts them because yeah, the sun may be shining without them there but there is no sunrise. The one is going to wait for you always, there shouldn't be a rush to marry them because even if you don't marry it's still fine," I said, holding my side.

"No offense Shay but you run from love, you aren't the best person to get advice from."

"You don't think I've ever dreamed of spending the rest of my life with someone. That I've never dreamed of watching our adopted children run around with his arm around my waist so he's holding his entire world. I do, all the time actually. You know what, I just went through on of the most heartbreaking break ups I've ever had. He left me because I'm sterile alright? I said the one thing I never wanted to admit."

"Shay that's sad but I don't think you should be giving me advice on this."

"Lex, listen to me please, not just what I'm saying but deeper than that. I think I know something about you, after all those break ups, even the ones with me, because I couldn't stand to see you cry. I would tell you that you shouldn't date so-and-so and that's because I couldn't bare to see you cry. I did whatever it took to make you happy even when I was struggling with happiness more than you can think. I didn't tell you a lot because I didn't want to cry in front of you. After our break up, I know you took it hard but so did I. I don't regret much in life, in fact only one thing, and that is-"

I couldn't continue, he was happy, at least for now. I mean, I was selfish, I could blame that on human nature to an extent. We live two different lives, he has his figured out and I'm still somehow putting one foot in front of the other. My mind would keep going back to when him and I would talk at some of our darkest moments. I looked down and hung up the phone before I could finish my thought, ignoring him probably asking me to complete the thought.

Being how I had been, that absolutely bitter, had taken a toll on me. I was quiet, slightly miserable and all around a shell of myself with a false sense of being. I wanted to be happy again but I just couldn't. I turned my phone off to prevent any texts from coming through as well as any texts. I just wanted to forget him again because that was a feeling of something else. Sadly that day would never return.

Was I a bad person if I wouldn't go to his wedding if I was invited for some strange reason? Was I a bad person if I tried to fade into the background once again? I just wanted to stop missing him with taking to the bottle whenever I thought of him but that was difficult when ever dream his ghost decided to appear in. I would pay anything to go back to high school and not shatter his heart. To go to graduation and see him one last time before now. Maybe get another chance. It seems useless to want that though because it will never happen.

Notes

I don't really know what this is, it's a filler I guess but Shay was getting real close to talking about feelings. I figured I'd put my current emotions on her to give her more dimension but it will become more exciting in the next chapter I promise. I just really liked this song and I thought it would go great with this chapter if I wrote it to be sad instead of taking a different turn now.

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Title credit: Happy Hurts - Icon For Hire