Can I Say I'm Sorry?

It had been about three weeks since I had last talked to Alex. In that time the All Time Low tour had finished and I two days off. Now I was laying in my bunk on the Sixx: AM bus playing on my phone. I had been texting with Jack for the past few days since this tour had started because I didn't know them as well. They had just needed two female back up vocalists and I was more than happy to take the job because it paid the bills. Jack wanted to call me so I figured I'd talk to him in the back lounge.

"Hey, I answered once the phone rang.

"I don't want you to hate me or him," he told me.

"What are talking about Jay?"

"He proposed to her."

"You're fucking joking right?"

"Shay, I may be a sarcastic asshole a lot but I'm not that much of a sarcastic asshole. What joy would I get out of by lying to you about this? I figured I should let you know because of how you feel about him."

"I just, he, god."

I hung up the phone and stared at the ground. I actually hurt, it hurt to breathe like there was a weight on my chest. I laid back on the couch and closed my eyes. I wanted to just sleep but all I could think of was him. I hated him, I hated myself. I had to live with my regret of leaving him but I also had to live with the thought that the only person that I fell in love with. I mean, I was definitely attracted to Mark but I would not say that I was ever in love with him.

"You look like you need someone to talk to," James said, sitting across from me.

"You don't want to talk about feelings," I muttered.

"No but I remember when we talked to you in person and how cheery you were and now you're quite the opposite. We've been on tour for three days and you're just absent and glued to your phone. What's going on with you?"

"I fell in love."

"I thought love made people feel happy and like they were on top of the world. Why are you so down then?"

"He's getting married and he hates me now."

"That's a tough circumstance. All I'd say on that is tell him the truth when you can. I mean, that's a complicated situation but if he's meant to be in your life then your honesty won't sway him away."

"What's telling him going to do?"

"Listen Shay, I may not know you too well but I assume that you want to tell him and don't know how. You'll figure it out but do it before it's too late and you lose him forever."

I leaned up, resting on my elbow and smiled softly at the older blonde haired gentleman. I saw him shake his head as he stood up and walked out of the room. I reached over and grabbed the remote to turn the TV on just so I had some background noise playing. I looked at my phone again and sighed seeing that no one had said anything. Rian and Zack didn't want to let me know, Jack was silent since I hung up and Alex hadn't responded to anything since that night and I had very little hope.

I grabbed the blanket from the drawer from under the couch and curled up in it, not because I was cold but because I just felt kind of numb and this made me feel slightly better. I wanted to sleep but I wanted to feel Alex's arms around me once again. I just wanted to sleep with him, I just wanted to have him again but I had accepted the fact that I wasn't going to get what I wanted. That was something that I had grown used to. I should've just told Mark the entire truth and let him break up with. Be on my own again because that was something that I had gotten completely used to.

"Why do I love you," I muttered.

I rolled over, my face pressing into the fabric of the couch. It smelled faintly of cigarettes and sex but those were the scents you got used to in a tour bus. I tightened my grip on the blanket and prayed for sleep to take over my mind.

Notes

Sorry for the past few depressing chapters, things will get to be happier, I promise. In case you were wondering both Shay and Alex's personalities are similar to that of mine and one of my ex's and all the drama they are dealing with is what is going on with us. It's just easy to write about right now because it's kind of always on my mind. It should change speed shortly.

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Title Credit: Still Into You - Paramore