Can I Say I'm Sorry?

I walked outside of the bus, tears pricking at my eyes. He had no idea how much that simple statement hurt. It was something guys said all the time but it hit me harder than it did a normal girl. I sat down on the ground next to the trailer. My phone was on the bus and I wasn't going to walk back onto there just to get it. I played with the grass at my foot taking note of the footsteps that sounded like they were approaching me.

"What did Alex say," Rian asked.

"He asked me if I was on my period," I said, taking note of how stupid it sounded without knowing the full story.

"I know that's a rude thing to ask but you're not that sensitive so what's going on?"

The drummer sat next to me, looking at me. I turned my full attention back to the grass that I was ripping out and making into a pile. I hadn't really talked about everything and there was a reason for that. A part of me was ashamed about it because it made me feel like I was broken. I felt like less of a person than I ever had.

"I can't," was all I said.

"Shay, you can tell me," he said.

"I can't have a period. I'm sterile. I dreamed of moving on one day and getting married, maybe having a kid or two. I can't have that, it is physically impossible now. Endometriosis ruined my life and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I haven't even told Mark yet, he won't love me once he knows."

"Shay, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I feel like I'm broken, like I'm less of a woman."

He wrapped his arms around me and just let me cry into his shoulder. It felt weird to say, like I had accepted it as truth but I had never said it before. I knew Mark would leave more for this because he talked about having kids. He wanted his own and once I told him he would go and find someone who could give him just that. He worked with me and helped me fight my fear of falling for him. We had discussed marriage but decided once we were more than on and off again we would do it. He deserved someone better than I. I just didn't want to lose him.

"Shay, breathe," Rian told me.

"I'm sorry, I've just never told anyone. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everyone in a romantic sense. No, I don't want to be in love but I'm more afraid of dying alone. I want to get married but so many people would say no," I said, wiping my eyes.

"When someone falls in love with you they fall in love with all of you. Not just your good days and your simple perfections. They don't just fall in love with the sunshine. They fall in love with the rain even when it's pouring. They fall in love with your flaws because your flaws are still beautiful. They love you on your worst days just as much as they do on your best."

"Mark is going to leave me if I tell him."

"Then he doesn't love you and you deserve someone who actually loves you, all of you."

"What like Jack?"

He laughed at that comment but Jack was the first person that looked at me like he didn't want to lose me. The last person to do that was Alex all those years ago. No one stays in love all those years though. Anyway, it seemed like he hated me. I didn't overly blame him though. I still hadn't forgiven myself for just walking away without another word. I never said anything, I never even thought of anyone other than myself.

"Not Jack, he doesn't really fall in love. You know who I mean," Rian said.

"I regret it," I whispered.

"Telling me doesn't change anything."

I stood up and helped Rian up. We walked back onto the bus and I saw myself on one of the mirror's on the ceiling. I looked terrible but that was to be expected. I grabbed my phone off of my bunk and saw a text from Mark. It was about how strongly he felt for me because we never used the word love. He would be heartbroken when I told him but I needed to tell the truth. I needed to let everyone know the truth, including Alex. I wanted to let him know that if I could change the past I would.

I knocked on the wall to where his bunk is and silently prayed he wasn't there. I didn't know how to tell him what I was going to say other than to just say it. He was going to hate me and I really didn't want that because it didn't bother me that we argued, we'd always make up and we had each other.

"What," he said, ripping the curtain aside.

"Can we walk and talk," I asked.

"Sure."

He climbed out of his bunk and walked out of the bus with me. I was going to let him talk at first. Him seeing me with tears in my eyes really changed how both of us were acting because I never cried so he knew he did something wrong.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I just didn't expect you to take it so hard. I know it was a stupid thing to say and after it came out I didn't know why I had even said it," he apologized.

"You're fine, it's just something I don't really want to talk about right now, I'll tell you one day though," I responded, looking forward.

"You know, Layla and I are thinking about getting married."

"How long have you been together?"

"Almost a year but I really believe she is the one."

"Lex, look, I may not be some relationship guru because, well, take a look at my history. It's pretty crap. If you marry her now you'll regret it though. You don't even know her at this point. You don't know if you can live with her. I'm not saying don't marry her, I'm just saying wait."

"But I love her, why wouldn't I marry her?"

"I'm not saying don't I'm just saying make sure she really is the one."

"Of course she's the one, I love her. You may not understand what that feels like but it's gonna last forever."

"Look, Lex. You don't need to attack my dating history because you don't know shit. I'm saying that if it's going to last forever then why are you in such a rush to put a ring on that bitch? If it's going to be forever then dating for at least three years shouldn't be a problem. Wait until you can love every part of hers. Wait until you're comfortable enough to fart in front of each other. Wait until you can go to sleep together and it not be sexual."

"Why are you calling her a bitch, you don't even know her! Why do you even care? Also, who are you to give advice, you can't even fix your own relationships."

"I just know that you deserve better than her. Way better. Alex, you deserve the fucking world and you're lucky if she's going to give you a fraction of that."

He turned away and walked away. He was trying to get away from me and I didn't overly blame him. Who was I to give advice when every relationship I have is built on lies and fear. Maybe he had a point that I had no idea what I was talking about.

"What, and you're gonna give me the fucking world," he replied.

I said nothing and turned my gaze to the ground. I couldn't say anything because the words were like a knife. Choking me and preventing me from saying anything. He knew that I had loved him at one point but I just couldn't tell him that I would give anything to be happy. It looked like I was going to give up my own happiness for him to be happy though.

"Exactly," he said before walking into the darkness.

"I still love you," I whispered at the ground.

Notes

Kinda long chapter that's actually very sad. Most of this is based on things that have happened recently with name changes but Shay's perspective is the same as my perspective. Anyway, I like how this chapter turned out and Alex is gonna marry Layla? What do y'all think about her? Do you think Shay is right with what she said or do you think she should have told Alex what he wanted to hear?

Title Credit: Bother - Stone Sour

(the past two chapters were supposed to be together but I thought it would be way too long)