It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one-way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

The vibrations of the loud music continued through my ears and down my chest, making me feel something as I stared down into my crossed legs. I blinked slowly, numbly picking at the loose threads hanging from the rip in my knee. I looked over the dark scar forming down my kneecap briefly before flickering my gaze back to my front seat. Stained blue jeans, black ripped jeans, grey boxers, red ripped boxers, pizza printed boxers, black socks, black sweatshirt, purple zip-up, wallet, falling-apart-charger, ACDC t-shirt and dirty backpack. Licking my chapped lips, I pressed the ball of my tongue bar into the roof of my mouth and gulped dryly.

“Fuck.” I whispered, cramming my knees into my tightening chest.

Pressing into the seat as hard as possible, my eyes dropped to the red line nearing the big redE in the gas gage and I felt my stress heighten. Hugging my cold knees, a shudder made its way through my body and I looked out the windshield into the mound of shit dumped around the dumpsters. All remains of my apartment piled on top of each other like everything meant nothing. Then again, the only importance any of it had to me was the reminder of having somewhere to stay.

“Fuck.” I repeated, feeling the corners of my eyes sting as I sat in the dark parking lot. “Don’t be a bitch, Alex.”

I knew this was going to happen. Hell, they left me a fucking note. I didn’t hand over any money and that was a sign to them. An assumption that I skipped out of town like my dad. I mean, if everything had worked out the way I wanted it to then they would’ve been right in thinking I wasn’t coming back.

Slouching forward, I forced my feet down and slumped back in my seat in attempt to relax. Running my hands over my face carefully, I twisted my snapback over my greasy hair and grabbed my phone from the cup holder. Holding my breath, I slowly unlocked the busted screen and scrolled through my contacts. With a shaky finger, I managed to press down on one of the names semi-visible through the dark streaks taking over the screen and pressed the piece of shit to my ear.

“C’mon.” I mumbled, listening to the ringing grow longer.

“Hey, it’s Matt. Sorry I can’t get to the-”

“Fucking hell.” I sighed, ending the call and trying the next person.

“This is Rian, leave a message-”

I pulled the phone away, trying not to panic when I noticed the blinking bar in the top right corner. Biting my lip, I dialed Cass in my final attempt to get a place to crash for the night and twisted the volume of the radio down.

“Alex?!” She yelled, making me nearly jump out of my skin in surprise.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s me, Cass.” I replied quickly, frowning when her side of the line grew static-y.

“Are you okay?!” She yelled, sounding far off. “I can’t hear you, okay? We’re at this party and-”

“Cassie, I.” I tried, stopping when unrecognizable music blared into my eardrum. “Cass-”

Suddenly silence rang through my ears, somehow sounding louder than the music on her end did before the line went dead. Groaning in frustration, I slammed my hands into the steering wheel and dropped my phone back in the cup holder. Hot tears filled my eyes, threatening to spill as the stress and anxiety hit me in full force. A scream forced its way up my throat and before I could control it, I was turning and throwing my fist into my window.

“Fuck!” I yelped, cradling my aching knuckles to my tight chest.

The pain only made everything worse and it felt like my air supply was getting cut off like I got caught on something underwater with no way of getting back out. Squeezing my eyes closed, I clenched my jaw and threw myself back against the seat.

“Fuck!” I repeated, slamming my aching fist into the steering wheel instead.

A loud chiming rang through my ears, scaring me out of my rage momentarily. I rubbed my face more roughly, ignoring the dull pain from fading bruises, and pulled my phone back out of the cup holder. Unlocking it, I blinked away the unshed tears and squinted to make out the short message through the middle of the screen.

From: Mike
im really sorry

Scoffing, I tossed the phone out of my sight and pulled my seatbelt over my chest. Twisting the radio back up, I started the car all the way and tapped my fingers over the wheel. Pressing my foot over the brake, I switched gear into drive and gave the mound of broken trash that used to be mine one last look before I pulled out of my parking spot. Breathing in, I stared straight ahead and drove away from the complex for the last time with no destination in mind.

I drove cautiously, glancing towards the gas gage every few minutes to make sure I still had something to keep me going. Sighing, I passed through familiar backroads I knew like the back of my hand until the gas light flickered back at me. Pulling into the nearest parking lot, I parked and shut the car off reluctantly. Shaking my head, I looked out the window and sighed in relief. A small smile crept over my face and I grabbed my wallet from the front seat, wasting no time to get out of the car. Closing the door, I brushed the front of my crewneck off and rubbed my hand over my chin.

“Fuck yeah.” I grinned, feeling the stubble taking over my jaw from my lack of shaving.

Smirking cockily, I licked my lips and looked up at the neon red lights shining in the darkness until it was out of my sight. Clicking my tongue, I pushed through the door and grinned at the pleasantly obnoxious ding ringing through the store above my head.

“Welcome to Parkway’s Liquors, what can I get you?”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sniffed roughly, hacking up a lougee in the process. Blinking hard, I clutched at my beltloop loosely and swallowed my pride. Wiping my face, I bit down on my lip and pushed my thumb into the doorbell I never used to push. Nerves bubbled in my stomach, but the heavy feeling in my gut did a good job at canceling them out as I swayed on my feet.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I froze, unable to move while my eyes fell over the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Even with the messy bedhead and gingerbread man pajamas, he had to be the cutest fucking thing on this planet.

“Jesus Christ, Alex!” Jack hissed, grabbing my forearm and tugging me inside. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you, huh?”

I gasped, trying to keep my balance as he continued to pull me further into the house before he shut the door behind us. I stumbled from the weight on my arm disappearing and fell into the wall, holding my free hand over my mouth to muffle the noise slipping passed my lips.

“M’sorry-” I muffled out, stopping when he pulled my arms to my sides roughly.

“You’re soaked-” He observed, grabbing my chin in his hand. “and really fucking drunk. Of course.”

“You were right.” I slurred, hiccupping lazily while he unzipped my hoodie.

“What are you on about?” He sighed, running his warm hands over my shaking arms. “Jesus Alex, I can’t believe this. I’ve been so damn worried about you and now you’re here after not returning any of my calls?”

“I waited.” I laughed weakly.

“What?” He demanded, holding my arms more firmly. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Showed up drunk off my ass again.” I mumbled, dropping my gaze to my wobbly knees. “Waited a while. Fucked things up. My specialty-”

“Quiet.” He shushed, pressing his finger over my cold lips. “Come on, let’s get you warmed up. It’s thirty degrees and raining out there.”

I groaned, holding onto the wall beside me while he helped me out of my shoes. Biting my lip, I pulled at the heavy waistband of my jeans and watched in front of me as he led me towards the steps. I cringed, leaning into the railing and lifting my heavy feet the best I could.

“We have to be quiet, okay?” He whispered, wrapping his warm arm around my back while my arm lifted over his shoulders.

I hummed, black dotting my foggy vision in the dimly lit hallway as I struggled to get up the stairs. Huffing, I trailed my arm along the wall while Jack pulled my body up with him.

“Too many.” I whined, cutting it short when Jack placed his free hand over my mouth.

I pouted, my lip ring digging into my skin uncomfortably while I slumped forward in order to walk with him. Sickness washed over me and I rolled my lips in tight, closing my eyes lightly in hopes to pass the feeling.

“Okay.” He whispered, standing me against a cold wall.

I shuddered, prying my eyes open and nearly getting blinded by the bright light filling the room. I blinked quickly, noticing the fog clear up once I stared into his clean carpet. Breathing deeply, I relaxed and the short sickness I felt disappeared. Instead, I had a rage of butterflies ripping through my gut.

“What the hell were you thinking?” He scolded lightly, pulling the hem of my shirt up until it was over my head. “Out there in weather like this.”

I looked down, watching his hands toss my shirt to the ground before he was unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans.

“Take those off.” He ordered, lifting my chin up with his fingertips. “And your boxers. I’ve got dry stuff for you.”

I bit my lip, leaning my weight back against the wall before kicking my jeans down my legs. Biting at my lip harder, I ignored the flipping in my stomach and fought my boxers down with them. I shivered, hearing my teeth chattering while I crossed my shaky arms over my bare chest.

“Here.” He called, holding a small pile towards me before shaking his head. “Never mind, stand still.”

I closed my eyes, tossing my head back onto the wall and shooting my arms to my sides to steady myself when a wave of dizziness hit me.

“Lift this foot.” He instructed, patting my leg.

I squeezed my eyes shut, struggling to lift my lead foot up. I repeated the movement with my other foot, opening my eyes once the warmth slid up my legs and snapped into my hips.

“Why?” I asked, looking down into his soft gaze.

“Why what?” He whispered, brushing my wet hair back with his fingers.

“You’re being nice.” I stated, stumbling sideways.

“Woah.” He gasped, grabbing my elbow. “Let’s get into bed now, yeah? Then we can talk and I mean it, Alex. We’re talking.”

I grimaced, my body falling more to the side with every heavy step. My knee hit the side of his bed and without a second to spare, I was tumbling down on it hard enough to hit the wall.

“Owwww.” I whimpered, cradling my arm to my chest while I rolled over on my side.

“Are you okay?” Jack worried, leaning over me instantly.

“Fuckin’ funny bone ain’t funny.” I huffed, rubbing at the sore spot hard enough to make goosebumps form over my skin.

A soft giggle rang through my ears, the sound making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Biting my lip, the pain subsided and I stared into the plain wall while the bed shifted.

“Come on now, turn around.” He pressed, nudging my side.

“I’m sleeping.” I blurted, closing my eyes once more when his arm brushed my back.

“You are not.” He chuckled, giving me that weird feeling again.

I breathed slowly, taking in the softness underneath my side and pressing my face more into my pillow. I bit at my lip ring, my shaking fingers making themselves known when they flicked against the wall from the coldness still taking over my body.

“C’mon, I’ll get you nice and cozy.” He bribed, something warm running along my back a quick second before it was gone. “Alex, come on. Before you freeze.”

“Yeah.” I agreed, teeth still chattering uncontrollably.

I sighed heavily, forcefully twisting myself around onto my other side. I looked up once I laid still, making eye contact with Jack instantly just as warmth took over me. I moaned, scooting closer to his body to get the fuzzy blanket all the way over me. A rush of comfort filled me with another deep breath in and I hummed, leaning into the warm arm wrapping around my back.

“Better now?” He asked softly.

I nodded, jumping when my chin hit the ball of his shoulder. Freezing in place, I realized I pressed myself into his side and felt the butterflies erupt in my stomach again at the closeness.

“Hey, relax.” He cooed, running his fingers over the small of my back. “I have a lot of questions.”

“Mhm.” I mumbled, letting my face press into his t-shirt.

“I want to talk about the last time we saw each other at the diner,” He started, making my heartbeat quicken. “when you freaked out. But I’ll wait to talk about that. I’m just glad you’re okay-”

“Okay is an understatement.” I slurred, slipping my arm over his smooth stomach. “Okay is something I don’t think I am.”

“What does that mean?” He questioned, stopping the movement over my back. “You’re not okay?”

I swallowed thickly, trying desperately to ignore the emotions taking over me at one simple question. I bit at my lip in attempt to keep my mouth shut, the amount of alcohol I consumed over the past few hours making it almost impossible to hold myself back like usual.

“No.” I hiccupped, the burning in my eyes retuning harshly. “Really really not.”

“Alex, what’s wrong?” He asked quickly, forcing my head up.

I clenched my jaw, fighting the urge to blink once my eyes grew heavier. Everything started hitting me at once, my mind filling with all the thoughts I pushed away when I got my hands on the rum.

“Hey, talk to me.” He whispered, holding my chin in his hand. “I’m always here for you, you know this. I know we haven’t really been normal lately, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m always going to be here.”

“You’ll leave.” I sniffled.

“What?” He demanded, shaking my face lightly. “Are you delusional? I’m not going anywhere-”

“Like everybody else.” I choked out, swallowing hard. “Gone.”

“Alex-”

“Why’re you huggin’ on me huh? An-and keepin’ me war-m when it doesn’t even matter?” I rambled, pulling away from his hand. “You don’even wan’me nobody does.”

“Stop that.” He called, letting go of my side while I struggled to sit up. “I love you.”

“No no no.” I repeated, holding my hands over my ears.

I crossed my legs, leaning over my knees and closing my eyes for the millionth time while another dizzy spell hit me. I sniffed loudly, ignoring the water dripping from my eyes and focusing on the spinning room.

“Don’t you dare tell me I don’t care.” He went on, rubbing my forearm. “I’m worried sick about you, you bastard. I’m trying to take care of you right now, so fucking let me dammit and tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

“I dunno.” I whimpered, rocking myself back and forth. “Always you.”

“You’re not making any sense.” He told softly.

I crinkled my nose, staring down at my tangled hands in my lap before Jack placed his over them. I bit my tongue, allowing my shaking fingers to be pulled from my lap and tangled into Jack’s warm steady ones. My lungs tightened considerably and it felt like I couldn’t breathe again, making me choke on the air barely getting into my mouth in the first place.

“Calm down.” He soothed, rubbing his thumb over my sore knuckles. “You’re going to panic.”

“I just needed you.” I blurted, squeezing his fingers harder. “Don’t leave me please no.”

“Alex, I haven’t gone anywhere.” He reminded, pulling me closer. “You left me. Not the other way around.”

“I had to.” I whispered, letting my tears fall freely. “I didn’ meant it.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He told, pulling more of my arm into his lap. “Alex, please don’t cry. You’re breaking my heart.”

I whined in the back of my throat, pressing my lips together in attempt to keep the pathetic noises from pouring out. Sniffling, I tried to breath in and out only making my eyes water worse. I hiccupped some more, my heart thumping at his soft voice filling my ears with comforting words.

“I can’t stop.” I cried out, unable to keep my thoughts under control. “It hurts so bad Jack and I can’t. I love you.”

“Oh Alex.” He whispered, pulling me towards him. “Come on. Lay down with me.”

Breathing deeply, I sighed and swallowed the lump in my throat. Leftover whiskey and coke covered my taste buds and I grimaced, raising my hands to wipe at my eyes only to stop when Jack’s fingers stayed linked with mine.

“I don’t want you to stop loving me.” He whispered, brushing his free hand under my drying eyes. “Don’t ever stop.”

I frowned, staring into his eyes unsurely while his face grew closer to me.

“Lay with me.” He ordered, pulling me back onto my side.

I rolled onto my back, shame and regret filling me as my words replayed in my mind and I bit back my cringe. Staring up into the ceiling, my tears dried up and I felt calm for the first time tonight.

“M’sorry.” I whispered, closing my mouth when he pressed our hands over my lips.

“Sh.” He hushed, suddenly hovering over me.

I blinked slowly, relaxing more when his eyes stayed glued to mine. I let out a shaky breath, relief filling me at the calm expression over his face. Last time I talked about loving him didn’t end very well so what makes this time any different?

“Why are you hurting so much?” He asked, sliding our hands down over my chest. “How can I make it go away?”

“You can’t.” I whispered back, my drunkenness making me feel more dazed after my little breakdown.

“I can.” He replied, nudging his nose into mine gently. “If you let me.”

Without much thought, I nodded and kept my eyes locked with his.
“Take it away.” I mumbled, closing my eyes when his nose brushed mine a second time.

“Okay.” He whispered, fanning his hot breath over my lips.

I shivered, hearing my heart thump loudly in my ears before there was a pressure over my lips. I gasped, parting my lips enough to feel his slip in between. Butterflies exploded in my stomach like a piñata and I pushed back, feeling his fingers pull from mine before his hands tangled into my knotty hair.

“Mm.” I hummed, tilting my head away once I registered that he’s actually kissing me.

“Don’t.” He panted, turning my head back in his hands. “We need this.”

I licked my tingling lips, fingers twitching against his sides as his lips just barely brushed back over mine.

“I wanna taste you.” He breathed, sending another shudder through my body. “You wanna taste me, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” I answered honestly, sliding my hands down his sides until my fingers brushed the warm skin of his hips under his loose shirt.

“So, kiss me like you want to.” He suggested, lips barely brushing mine while our noses pressed together.

I leaned up, slotting our lips together easily and kissing him slowly. Opening my eyes, I watched him close his and lean back in almost instantly. I smirked, my confidence coming back in full stride with my stomach bubbling. Feeling daring, I flipped us over and pushed his hands above our heads. The gasp filling my ears made my gut tingle in pleasure and I chuckled, pushing my lips back into his just a little harder.

“There’s the Alex I was waiting for.” He laughed breathlessly, wrapping his thighs around my hips.

I hummed, letting go of his arms to hold myself up while I went back to sucking on his bottom lip. I moaned at the warm feel of his plump lips meshing with mine, wasting no time to slip my tongue in. I hummed into his mouth, easily swiping my tongue over his.

“Mm” He moaned, tangling his fingers back into my hair.

I repeated the motion, a louder moan vibrating through our mouths as he circled his tongue around the ball over top of mine. I pushed back harder, tilting my head to get more into his mouth when he fiddled with my tongue ring a third time.

“Oh fuck.” I hissed, panting into his mouth while my stomach twisted in want.

“Don’t stop.” He pleaded, tugging the back of my hair. “Kiss me.”

I panted, pressing my lips back into his. A loud knock on the door had Jack jumping out of his skin underneath me, nearly ripping my lip ring out in the process. He shoved me off of him, the back of my head smacking into the wall hard enough to ache.

“Fuck, Jay.” I hissed, one hand over my skull and the other pressing into my lip.

“Sh.” He whispered, tossing the blanket over me. “Pretend you’re sleeping.”

I scrunched my face, quickly obeying once I saw the serious look over his face. Licking my lips, I ignored the taste of blood and rolled onto my stomach. Pulling the blanket over my shoulders, I pressed my face towards the wall and closed my eyes just as the door creaked open.

“Jack? I knocked.” Joyce called quietly. “It’s after three in the morning-”

“I know.” He interrupted, clearing his throat. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Is that…” She trailed off tiredly.

“It’s Alex.” He answered, my stomach flipping in knots. “Uh, he needed me so he’s sleeping here tonight.”

“Oh? I haven’t seen him in a while-”

I let out a low breath, her voice sounding quieter with every word she spoke. My eyes burned behind my eyelids and I relaxed all of my muscles, pushing all of my deadweight into the mattress. The warmth engulfing me mixed with the softness all around me had me forget I was pretending and before I could replay what just happened, everything went black.

Notes

AHHHHH Finally an update?!?! No I HAVEN"T FORGOTTEN/ABANDONED Y'ALL! Can't believe it's been so long. Anywhoooo I will probably update again tonight or tomorrow because these next two chapters are what really shape the story! I hope y'all still enjoyed!

Questions will be answered next chapter and we'll get another glimpse of sober Alex!

Hugs and kisses to all of my lovely readers!! xoxox