Thanks To You

I took another sip of Coke, biting the straw as my eyes trailed over him. I took in the tight jeans and familiar black hoodie covering his chest, failing to ignore the fluttering in my gut. I blinked slowly, trying to comprehend why he's still wearing my shit before I hesitantly looked up to his face. I bit on my tongue, feeling my limbs go pathetically weak when he brushed his long bangs back into the grey beanie over his head, showing off those beautiful dark eyes.

Oh fuck no. I can’t fucking do this.

"Are you okay?" Cass chuckled, clueless to the reason of my choking.

"Mmf." I struggled to get out, clearing my throat. “Uh huh.”

I swallowed thickly, fighting the urge to slip out of the booth and get the fuck out of here like my mind kept yelling at me to do when my gaze caught behind him. I gulped, my stomach twisting hard when a girl came into my line of vision. A pretty girl with dirty blonde hair down to her elbows. She twirled the loose curls, biting her dark pink lip while she stared down. I followed her gaze, feeling my heart sink further when I found her hand locked with Jack's. Licking my lips, I took in the tight leggings sticking to her legs before slowly gazing up the dark grey Blink hoodie hanging off of her.

"Well, this is a surprise..." He trailed off, motioning for the girl to scoot into the booth first.

I cleared my throat, leaning more towards Cass while I watched the girl slide in until she was a few inches away from me. She tucked her hands into the sleeves, folding her arms over her lap while she looked around at the three of us shyly.

"Okay, so you’ve met Rian and his girlfriend Cassadee." Jack started, slowly motioning to me as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "That's…uh, that’s Alex."

The change in his voice and the fact that his awkward introduction lacked a major piece of information definitely did not go unnoticed by me. I have no doubts that the stare I feel on my face is from Cass silently wondering the same thing.

I’m not my best friend Alex anymore. I’m just Alex.

"Hi." The girl greeted bashfully, curling into Jack's side discreetly. "I'm Rachelle."

"She’s pretty amazing and we love her already." Cass claimed, brushing off her confusion and stealing a nacho from me as she nudged my arm. "Shows how much you've missed, Al. Jack's actually got himself a beautiful girl-"

"Hey babe, can you hand me a napkin?" Rian interrupted, shooting me a weak cringe.

"Sure, honey." She chirped, pulling a napkin from the little bucket in the center of the table before passing it to him.

I tried to smile at Rian’s attempt to save me from listening to Cass's rambling, but the presence of Jack and the girl he was telling me about not even two feet away from me really had my chest feeling like it was going to cave in on me. Drifting my eyes back over to her, I found her already looking at me with her light green eyes and immediately sunk lower into the lumpy leather of the booth cushion behind me. I pushed my drink away and dropped my hands into my lap, casting my gaze down to the oil staining the outline of my dry and bitten fingernails.

"So, Joe didn't wanna join?" Rian conversed, taking the attention away from me.

I cringed to myself, feeling the awkward tension surrounding me as I kept my eyes down. I felt a poke to my thigh and bit my lip, peeking over at Cassadee to find her giving me a weird look. I bit down on my lip harder, anxiety bubbling up my stomach and replacing my appetite when realization fell over me. I could almost read the questions in her eyes. Besides not getting called Jack’s best friend, I’m sitting here and trying to get away with practically slipping under the fucking table when I can barely keep my mouth shut on a daily basis. I mean, can I be anymore fucking obvious that something is wrong?

"He was annoyed enough already." Jack chuckled lightly. "He doesn't want to be my chauffer today."

I shrugged, looking back down to my lap only for her gaze to burn into the side of my face. I swallowed thickly, feeling my fingers shake at the thoughts running through her head. Will she be able to piece it together? Has Rian told her what he knows? They’ve been together for a long time and there’s no way they would keep secrets from each other now.

"I'd offer to be your guys’ chauffer, but I have to borrow my step-dad's truck while my car is stuck at the shop." Rian noted, and I could hear his voice shift towards me. "It’s in desperate need of an oil change, which should actually be done already. Apparently, it hasn’t been looked at yet?"

I intertwined my fidgeting fingers, attempting to swallow all of my worries while I reluctantly lifted my gaze. He raised his eyebrow over at me, holding his hand out like he was expecting me to know what the hell he’s going on about.

“What?” I asked slowly, trying to force the lump forming in my throat to go back down.

“Were you even listening?” He chuckled, giving me a little bit of an unsure look before it was lifted back into a smile. “Has anyone looked at my car yet? I’m surprised you haven’t dealt with it yet.”

I bit my cheek to hold my cringe back at the mention of Quinn’s. For all I know, I’m fired because I can’t even recall the last time I was there doing anything in my right mind. I can’t remember anything I’ve done at all lately and the reminder that I have no idea how bad I’ve been fucking up had my hands start shaking more violently over my thighs.

"S'at Quinn's?" I repeated, chewing on my lip.

"Shouldn't you know that?" He joked, raising his eyebrow.

I swallowed hard, squinting a little when black started dotting throughout my vision.

"Alex?"

"I uh, haven't been getting hours." I admitted, begging my heartbeat to stay normal.

Thinking about work sucked me back into the reason I came here in the first place and I felt my chest tighten harder. I’ve got to get over two grand in the span of three days or I’m going to be homeless. I’m going to have to be paying five hundred dollars’ worth of rent plus what the bills come out to all by myself if I manage to get the money and that’s going to have to be every month. I used to make six hundred at Quinn’s every week, but hell if I know how many hours I’ve put in over the past month or two. Or three? I don’t fucking know anything-

"I wonder why." Jack commented dryly, knocking me out of my head for a spilt second.

I ignored the remark, biting my cheek to keep the emotions from my face. My stomach sank lower at his sarcasm and I could feel the back of my neck heating up with shame. Shame for letting him see me at my worst who knows how many times and regret for opening my mouth every one of those times, especially the most recent.

"It’s because of Kellin, isn’t it?" Cass drawled, catching my attention. "His dad owns the place."

"I'm not so sure that’s the only reason." Jack chimed in, making me grit my teeth.

"Okay, why don't we talk about what we originally came here to talk about?" Rian interrupted, sensing the obvious tension forming between Jack and I. "We're gonna have to sign up for a day soon."

“Oh yeah, the college tours are starting next week.” Rachelle gasped, joining into the conversation. “Jacky and I are interested in applying out of state, isn’t that right?”

I froze in my seat, feeling my heart skip harshly in my chest at the unexpected words filling my ears. All I could focus on was Jack and out of state. A wave of sadness hit me, mixing with the rejection pushing its way through my body like lead once again. Jack’s trying to go out of state. With her. He wants to get away with her and leave me behind. Leave us behind.

No Alex, there is no us.

No Jack and Alex.

There’s Jack and Rachelle.

“What?” Cassadee asked, clearly as shocked as the rest of us. “You guys have barely been dating…”

“I’ve been thinking about Stanford or Yale. Maybe Harvard if I’m smart enough. It’s not just for her, Cass.” Jack revealed, clearing his throat. “But Rachelle doesn’t want to be in Baltimore forever either and she’s hoping we can get into the same-”

No Jack and Alex.

“Let me out.” I interrupted, sitting up straight.

No us.

"What?" Cass gawked before frowning up at me. "Alex-"

There will never be an us.

"Fucking get me out." I snapped, sounding more frantic than demanding as everything in my head got to be too much. “I need to get out.”

I blinked, feeling slightly disoriented when the loud pounding of my heart filled my ears. I attempted to breathe calmly, unable to push the sudden panic filling me as I pulled myself up from the hard cushions. I glanced over Cassadee’s face, seeing her wide eyes before glancing at her moving lips only to hear nothing over my erratic heartbeat. I closed my eyes, barely registering my legs move when I forced myself over her and Rian until my shaking feet hit the tiled floor.

Clutching my chest, I watched the door get closer through my tunnel vision until I was pushing forward and getting hit with cold wind. I gasped, choking on my breath and stumbling over to my car. I dug my hand in my pocket, practically yanking my keys out while I put most of my weight onto my door. Squinting down, I tried to shove the key into the lock only to find my hand shaking too hard. I stumbled a bit, dropping the keys and plopping down on the cold pavement. I knocked my snapback off of my head, digging my fingers through my hair angrily as the burning in my lungs intensified.

“Alex!”

I gulped, coughing loudly when my head flung up and hit against my car door. Blinking hard, I opened my eyes again and saw Rian kneeling in front of me with his hands over my arms. I grabbed at my throat, barely registering the water drying on my cheeks as fast as it fell from the corners of my eyes.

“Hey, hey.” He called, shushing whatever blubbering kept falling escaping me. “It’s okay, you’re okay. You can do this. Breathing is easy, remember?”

I shook my head, feeling my chest heave but getting no relief in my chest. I can’t feel the air getting in my mouth. I can’t feel my shoulders relaxing. I can’t even feel my legs-

“Alex! You’re going to pass out if you don’t listen to me!” Rian yelled, his hard voice breaking through my clogged hearing.

I closed my eyes, feeling pressure on my chest before my head was shoved forward and into a different darkness than the setting sun. I coughed, sputtering a little bit when I felt all of the pressure inside of me release. I gasped for air, recognizing my forehead pressed against my arms when soothing rubbing continued between my tense shoulder blades and down my back.

“Holy shit, Alex.” Rian sighed heavily, pushing a little harder into my back. “You scared the shit out of me. You were seriously seconds away from knocking yourself out.”

I relaxed against his warm hand, finally coming too and taking in the November wind rushing over us. I shivered, allowing my head to lift while I sucked in much needed air into my lungs. I swallowed dryly, grimacing at the cotton mouth creeping into the back of my throat as my eyes lazily flickered to Rian. He smiled down at me sadly, using his free hand to brush my bangs out of my face before he was twisting my hat back over my head.

“You look like shit, Al.” He frowned, shaking his head at me. “I’ve never seen you get so bad and both times I’ve actually seen you, this has happened. Two rough attacks in the span of two weeks or so? What’s going on, Al? Please, talk to me.”

I scowled, feeling dread pile in my stomach while I dropped my gaze from his wide eyes. I shook my head, too mentally exhausted to get worked up over him seeing me in even worse shape than the last time. I bit my cheek, refusing to meet his stare as all of the thoughts returned to my mind. Shaking my head, I dropped my knees from my chest and searched the ground for my keys.

“Come on, don’t shut me out.” He pleaded. “I know it’s something involving Ja-”

“You don’t know shit.” I croaked, snatching my keys from behind my tire and scrambling back onto my feet.

I brushed my ass off, pulling the black key from my small pile of keys and holding it out to the lock. I cursed, failing to stick it in every single time with the light shaking still taking over my hands.

“Dammit Alex, listen to me.” He ordered, gripping my shoulder and twisting me around forcefully. “You lost it back there. You fucking lost it over Jack wanting to go to college. For wanting to get out of Baltimore when that was one of the things all three of us used to talk about. You know, before you got all weird and distant. You’ve been drifting away since Senior year started and now that you’re a dropout you decided to cut me and everyone else off and that is not okay. It’s not okay to us and it’s not okay to yourself. Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself, you big fucking idiot?”

“Let me go.” I mumbled, looking down at my feet.

“Fucking talk to me!” He exclaimed, shaking me a few times. “Dammit Alex, you’re my fucking brother and I don’t want to see you do this to yourself. I’m sick of you pushing me away.”

“I’ve got a lot going on.” I stated, raising my hand to rub at my throbbing temple while everything he said went in one ear and out the other.

“By a lot going on you mean loving your best friend, right?” He scoffed, releasing his grip on me. “Jesus Christ Alex, if you would just fucking use some common sense for once you would see that he-”

“I don’t love anyone.” I muttered, turning back and shoving my key into the door successfully this time.

“It’s okay that you love him.” He went on, not helping all of the thoughts and feelings swirling around in my mind. “Alex, you can’t-”

“It’s not Rian.” I hissed, tugging my door open harshly. “It’s not fucking okay and he will never feel the same.”
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“Let me get this straight,” Vic started, a look of concentration taking over his face. “You want me to hook you up with a job at the coffee shop I work at and you expect to be able to make three fucking G’s in three days?”

I nodded slowly, cringing at how fucking stupid I sounded once Vic repeated everything back to me. The thin material of my crewneck stuck to my sweaty back and I swallowed thickly, feeling heat creeping back up the back of my neck as the anxious flips in my gut reoccurred. I clenched my hands into fists, sucking on my lip ring roughly when flashbacks of not even an hour ago raced through my mind. The shameful feeling returned at the memory of having a mental breakdown in front of the whole diner over simply meeting my friend’s girlfriend. I fucking flipped out after hearing them talk about going to college. I fucking felt sick seeing her hold his fucking hand and cuddle into him. Do I even still have a dick?

"You don't look so good, Al." Mike observed, draping his arm over my shoulders.

I swallowed thickly, feeling my chest tighten slightly. Not right now. Not again.

"M'fine." I choked out, releasing my lip.

I sat up, tugging my shirt up to wipe my damp face. I dropped it back down and leaned back into the couch, ignoring eye contact all around me while I tried to stare at the wall in front of me.

"I don't think he's breathing." Mike announced, loosening his arm around my shoulders.

"I am." I snapped, sucking in a nose full of air slowly. "I'm fine."

"Did you drink earlier?" Tony questioned, leaning over me in concern. "Like, vodka?"

I shook my head, sighing in relief when his cold hands pressed into my hot cheeks. Closing my eyes, I sucked in another breath and felt my lungs start to tingle.

"I fuckin’ need some." I panted, keeping my eyes closed tight when my heart started to pound.

“Hell yeah, dude.” Mike agreed, pulling his arm from between my back and the couch.

“No.” Tony scolded, pointing down at me as soon as I opened my eyes. “You two need to just relax-”

“Because relaxing is working out so well for him.” Vic scoffed, motioning towards me. “Look at him, he’s a fuckin’ mess and about to get evicted.”

“We should be getting his mind off of everything.” Mike agreed, patting my thigh comfortingly.

“You should be helping him figure out how to get a hold of his dad!” Tony argued incredulously, throwing his hands up in the air. “God, all you guys do is think about partying. When’s the last time your guys’ mom was even here? Is there no authority in this house?”

I pressed my lips together in a thin line, feeling my body go still after Tony mentions getting a hold of my dad. To my knowledge, he’s long gone with no intentions of coming back. Just like my mom.

“She’s visiting her sister for who knows how long.” Mike said, waving him off.

“I’m the authority around here.” Vic reminded, making me chuckle a little bit. “You know what? You can stay with us, Alex.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, looking between him and Mike for a silent minute. When their serious expressions remained, I found my body relaxing considerably as I sunk more into the couch. Could it be that easy? Could I just get my shit and put that piece of shit apartment behind me?

“Uh, for real?” I managed to get out, biting at my lip when Mike laughed.

“My best friend is fucking moving in!” He cheered, jumping up from the spot beside me. “Get the fucking booze!”

I crossed my arms over my chest, watching Mike and Vic jump around until they raced out of the small living room. Letting out a quiet huff, I felt a laugh find its way up my throat. I leaned my head back, staring up at the pale-yellow ceiling while my heart skipped anxiously in my chest.

“Did that…am I living here now?” I asked, shock tingling through me while my gaze fell back on Tony.

“Looks like it.” He smiled, widening his eyes when loud footsteps sounded throughout the house. “Oh, Jesus.”

“C’mon Gaskarth!” Mike grinned, taking hold of my arm and pulling me to my feet.

I licked my lips, watching him force a bottle of Smirnof into my hand before raising his own bottle in his hand. I gulped, already feeling my stomach clench uncomfortably when the smell hit my nose. Instead of shivering in disgust, I held the bottle out and clunk it against his.

“To best friends and new roommates!” Vic toasted, shoving his bottle of Ciroc into sight.

“To best friends and new roommates!” Mike and I repeated, raising the bottles up.

I cleared my dry throat, tilting my head back and allowing the potent liquid to burn down the back of my throat. After a few long chugs, I pulled the bottle away and coughed. Sputtering slightly, I took the Coke Vic held out to me and slurped a short gulp before shoving it over to Mike. I swallowed hard, feeling heat from the adrenaline rushing through me and for the first time today I felt a smile take over my face.

Notes

FOUR MONTHS? HOLY SHIT. I’m so sorry, guys! I got sucked up by so many ideas lately, I’ve been writing story after story and I didn’t mean to neglect this baby! I have so much plans for this and it took me receiving the most recent comment on my other account to actually realize poor Thanks To You has been shoved aside, but hugs and kisses to everyone who has left wonderful comments the past updates as well!!

With that being said, I’m sorry the chapter is shorter than some of the others, but I just wanted to throw a filler out there since it’s been a while. The point of this chapter was basically to focus on how complicated and messy everything in Alex’s head is, if that makes sense. He’s feeling rejected, hurt, confused, jealous, neglected and anxious all mixed together.

If you’re reading this far…

I’m sorry that completely sober Alex barely lasted two chapters! I promise he will be back though!