We'll Let The Fires Just Bathe Us

I woke up screaming and immediately Eliza rushed to my side. Jack was there too, but he stayed by the door. I did feel guilty because I knew that he just wanted to help, but I couldn’t let him help me. Not yet.

Eliza rubbed my back soothingly and shushed me softly as I held onto her torso for dear life, crying into her side. This had happened every night for the past five nights and the nightmare was essentially the same each time. It was a series of awful flashbacks, and it felt like it was happening to be all over again and I woke up feeling emotional pain which I’d already gotten over and was force to live through it again.

This time had been flashbacks to seeing Grace crucified and Jack hitting me countless times.

“Grace, no.” I sobbed, burying my cheek where Jack had struck me into Eliza’s side.
“Shh Alex, it’s okay. Take deep breaths.” She comforted.

As usual, my breaths started out shaky but became more steady after bit. I focused on her smell, how she always smelled like flowers because she spent so much time in the gardens.
I sat up and saw her slightly smiling at me, I glanced at Jack who look relieved, but pained.

“I’m sorry.” I rasped.
“It’s no problem at all, Alex,” Eliza said to me before exchanging looks with Jack, “I think I’ll give you two a moment.”

Half of me was relieved and wanted to be alone with Jack, the other half was absolutely terrified.

“Can I come in?” Jack asked.
“Since when do ask for permission for things?” I mumbled, Jack clenched his jaw, “S-s-sorry, c-come in.”

Jack slowly entered, making sure not to make sudden movements. He sat on the floor, about five feet away from the bed.

“Are you okay?” He asked to which I nodded, looking down at my flingers as they played with the hem of the blanket.
“Alex, don’t lie to me.” He pleaded.

My head tilted up to see him sitting there with a pained expression and I lost it again, shaking my head. I was sitting criss cross and I leaned forward so my forehead touched the blanket covering my legs and tried not to sob again. I let out a shaky breath.

“Tell me. Talk to me about this.” He soothed from a distance.
“I-I can’t— There’s too much wrong. It’s so, so much.” I cried.
“How do I help you Alex? What do you want me to do?” He persisted.

I shook my head and sat up, my head light from all the crying.

“Stay.” I whispered before even thinking but half of me wanted to tell him to get away, and the other half wanted him to remain with me.
“Okay. Okay I’ll stay.” He murmured, “I know there’s a lot bothering you, but do you think you can pick one thing to talk to me about? I think talking would help.”

I nodded and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. It didn’t take me long to think of something that stood out.

“I miss Grace.” I whispered.
“How? What do you miss about her?” He asked.
“Sh-she was always there for m-me,” I struggled to not let my lip quiver. “Like, if I ever needed s-someone, she w-as al-alwa-ys the-re.” Another wave of hot tears fell down my cheeks, “I was n-never alone. And n-now I am. I’m s-so al-alone.”

I looked up to see Jack’s eyes tearing up a bit.

“You’re not okay, lex? I’m always here for you and I know right now that doesn’t mean much, but I am. I know I’m stupid and I mess up a lot, but beneath it all, I’m always here. Besides me, you’ve also got Eliza. She wouldn’t leave you for the world, you know that. Within two weeks of her knowing you, you had this timid, shell of a girl breathing fire. If you don’t want me, that’s okay, but at the very least you have her. You aren’t alone, Alex. You never have been and you never will be.”

I didn’t like hearing him speak so lowly of himself. Of course I knew he was here for me, him being there and talking to me proved it. But I couldn’t just forget everything he’d done and I couldn't forget how he frightened me.

Notes

Title cred: Fake You Out - Twenty One Pilots