We Were Born To Lose

I was just barely holding myself together. I didn’t have to look after Prince Almore anymore but Alex was still so cold to me. I was always racking my brain, searching for a reason for him to be angry but I couldn’t come up with one. I couldn’t understand why my master, whom I loved so much, hated me. I hated how dependent I was on him and how fast I was falling for him. Yes it was happening. I was falling. I’d never believed in love, or at least ‘true love’ but this was stronger than I’d ever felt before. This surpassed the love a servant has for their master or a sinner for their savior, this completely knocked me off my feet leaving me breathless. An empty chasm resided in my chest but when Alex resented me, it was like it grew wider, sucking me into it’s black depths. Alex didn’t engage me in conversation anymore he just barked orders causing painful slashes at my heart. Once I finished my duties, I’d always watch training from behind the weapon rack. I’d watch him move gracefully with his opponent almost as if they were dancing because the clangs of the metal could’ve been the music. After training, he would completely ignore me as I cleaned his armor. This was the worst of all. It was bad enough to be yelled at or hit but at least with those, I know that I exist to them. I matter enough to abuse, but with the ignoring, it makes me feel more worthless than ever. I was falling back into my dark place. I was beginning to care less and less if I got injured while doing some menial task. That feeling of being completely worthless was beginning to consume me. I was aimlessly walking around the castle when I was suddenly slammed up against the wall making me wince as my head collided with the stone.
“You and your precious master got our prince in trouble.” He hissed. There were two guys, both were incredibly muscular with evil glints in their eyes. I didn’t try to fight back because I simply didn’t care. I just went limp and let them repeatedly punch me and kick me. They hit my stomach so hard it almost made me vomit then they countered it with a blow to the eye which hurt so much I couldn’t breath but I deserved it. My master hated me and i was too stupid to figure out why so I deserved everything that’s ever happened to me. I felt my consciousness drifting, I’d go out into darkness and then come back to a reality of agony, both emotional and physical. They spat words at me in turn with their blows. Words like,
“Fat.”
“Ugly.”
“Stupid.”
“Worthless.”
That word was the one which hurt the most. See I knew I was fat and ugly and stupid, I’d accepted that. But worthless was the one that got me because my entire life, I’d just wanted to mean anything to anyone. I would lay awake in bed, screaming inside my own mind for someone to give a damn about me. It sounds selfish I know, but I’d spent my who life being worthless and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. They pounded that word into me with their fists and kicks, they imbedded it in ever part of me. Then eventually the beating stopped and I had a funny floaty feeling along with hazy vision. I didn’t know how long I lay there, it must’ve been a while but then I saw a blurred figure come across to me and felt them lift me up. We walked up some stairs and through some doors but I had no clue who it was, I never saw their face. They lay me down on a bed and I blinked, trying to clear my vision but to no avail. Then I saw his face. His face was the only thing I could focus on but that was fine with me.
“What happened?” Alex asked. This was the first time he’d acknowledged my existence in days so forgive me if I was a little stunned. “Jack.” He said with a warning tone.
“I got their prince in trouble.” I said quietly, wincing as I moved my jaw which had to have been punched at least four times. He sighed and looked down.
“Why are you ignoring me?” I asked quietly.
“I’m not. I’m talking to you now aren’t I?”
“Yeah for the first time in days.” I said, my voice sounding harsher than I’d expected but hey, I’d just been beaten to a pulp so I wasn’t really thinking straight. He whipped his head to face me, fixing me with his stone cold glare. I watched as his expression went from cold and angry, to sad. Then he stood up and ran out of the room.

What the everliving fuck is going on?

Notes

Title cred: Echo by Jason Walker


okay guys. It's time for real talk. I'm putting a lot of myself into Jack and I was really hesitant to write this chapter this way, and in reality, as I'm typing this, I'm not even sure if I'm going to keep this authors note but so far, I plan on telling you all. Jack's charector is a huge part of me because I used to struggle, and I still do a bit, with feeling worthless and also because I used to be physically abused. Now don't flip out because it honestly wasn't that bad. It wasn't by my family or anyone like that and keep in mind that I'll most likely never see the guy who did it again. It mostly came from a guy who liked to pick on my brother (who was 6 I was 13 or 14) and I'd defend my brother from this guy who was about 16 or 17 at the time. It wasn't that bad honestly, I was mostly slammed against a wall, punched in the gut (not that hard), pushed to the ground, and the worst thing he did was put me in a choke hold that prevented me from breathing (I have asthma so that freaked me out a bit). On other occasions, by other men, I was pushed, slapped, and I had rocks thrown at me. I now have anxiety issued related to violence from men. Granted, there are a lot of guy friends who I trust with my life, I have issues with men I don't know. I'll picture them beating me like Jack. For me, Jack is my little outlet I'd say. He's the embodiment to my feelings and anxieties and he's trying to get better just like I am. Now I'm telling you this because I know a lot of you have gone through some real shit and I want you to know that I understand. Also, I really love you guys. I've made a lot of friends through this website. This website is a community. We comment and message and were all brought together through All Time Low and thanks to them, I've made friends with some really amazing people and I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. If you want, feel completely free to comment your 'story' or message me about anything. The reason I'm telling you my story is because a lot of people go through life thinking that they are alone and they're afraid to reach out to someone because they think that they won't understand or they'll think that they are fucked up. I was someone who was lightly physically abused and I used to think that I don't deserve to have anxiety issues over it since there are people who are abused everyday and put in the hospital because of it but then I realized, telling yourself to not be sad or upset about something because someone has it worse is exactly the same as telling yourself not to be happy because someone has it better. You are not alone. I don't care how worthless you feel, you. are. not. alone. If you need to talk about a n y t h i n g

I will always be here.