Kiss Me Again

I somehow managed to wake up this morning, slowly opening my eyelids to see Alex, moving my hair out of my face with his fingers.
It almost seemed like a normal morning, but then I remembered what would take place today.
I remembered that I was in a hotel in New York, courtesy of the Mcdougalls. I remembered that we drove here very early this morning, and I somehow managed to sleep through the entire car ride, and Alex must've carried me to bed.
I was here for Jenna’s funeral today. We all knew that she was dead, but this was the way to seal the deal. She'll really be gone. Her body will be buried underneath the ground that we walk on, and where she goes from there, I do not know. I'd like to hope that there's a second chance for her somewhere beyond what our eyes can see.
I groaned, and closed my eyes again, not wanting to get up and face the harsh reality that my best friend is gone forever, and also, facing her parents who I’d grown to love. They definitely wouldn't love me anymore, knowing that I contributed to her death. But then again, so did they. And so did Oli. I guess we're all to blame. We shut her out of our lives, when she needed us the most. We were all harsh to her at some point. Having everyone you love shut you out and turn against you, is enough to make you wish you were dead. I've never ever felt so guilty in my entire life.
I heard Alex sigh from beside me.
“Come on, babe. We've gotta get up and get ready.” He sighed, giving me a little sad smile.
“I don't want to.” I buried my face into the pillow, and took a shaky breath.
Everything was going to be so heartbreaking and super emotional today, and the guilt was overpowering me, and I didn't want to do it.
“Tay, I know you don't want to. No one wants to watch their best friend be buried into the ground, but this is for Jenna and her family. We need to pay our respects and show support for them.”
“I know that, Alex. It's just…how the hell am I going to do this, Alex? How do I walk in there and attend her funeral, knowing that I'm part of what caused it!”
And here comes the tears..
“Hey, you didn't cause anything! You've got to stop blaming yourself for this, okay? Jenna knew that you'd never want this for her. And she wasn't blaming you for her actions, either.”
“Then who's to blame? Because I wouldn't exactly blame her for this..”
“No one is to blame, Tay. This isn't about that-“
“But I wasn't there for her, Alex!! I could've prevented this from happening!” I cried, as he pulled me into his chest.
“Well you can be there for her now. Can't you?”
I guess I can. If I could kill her, the least I could do is attend her funeral.

It was soon time for the funeral to begin. Everyone sat in their seats, all dressed in black. I've never hated wearing the color this much, until now. There were Jenna’s friends, relatives, and even a few people I recognize from my old school, who probably just came out of support.
I was dabbing at my endlessly tearing eyes with a tissue, much like many of the other devastated people around me. Alex had his arm around me, as I was leaning into his chest. He placed his other hand on my lap, and interlocked his fingers with mine. He was doing his best to comfort me and get me through this, and I really appreciated that.
Her casket was still open for a few more minutes, until they finally closed it. It was too hard for me to walk up there and approach her cold, lifeless body. I could hardly stand when walking down the aisle, and Alex had to help me stay upright. But I could see the casket from where I was sitting. From my view, she looked pretty peaceful, and beautiful as always. But it still broke my heart to see her like that.
After a few depressing songs and prayers, it was time for people to walk up and say a eulogy if they wanted to. There were a few of her cousins and friends from school who went up to speak. If I were to say something, I'd have plenty to talk about. So many memories circled through my head…but I couldn't go up there. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
But the last person who I'd expect to have the guts to speak about Jenna, was Oli. And he was on his way up to the mic stand.
I watched in curiosity, as he cleared his throat into the mic, and began talking.
“Hi, I'm Oli. I was Jenna’s boyfriend. It's really hard to stand up here and do this, knowing that I'm giving a eulogy for my other half. I truly loved her, and she knew that I did. What drove her to do this to herself, I do not know..”
How dare he.
How dare he come up here and act as if everything between them was just fine and dandy? As if he was truly loyal to her, and never did anything to hurt her??
I'm not blaming Oli for what happened, but he could at least take some responsibility, and actually feel some form of guilt!!
“She was the only girl I ever loved. The only girl I could ever want. I never tried to do anything to destroy that.”
Lie.
“I was always there for her..to keep her smiling, and make sure that she was okay. She seemed perfectly fine!”
Lie.
“She loved me. I loved her. Nothing ever got in the way of that. No one ever got in the way of that.” His eyes landed on me, as he said that last part.
“Our love, was un-breakable. Indestructible. And it always will be. Even if she isn't here anymore.” He finished with a sad bow of his head, and walked off of the small stage, taking his seat.
Though I thought that a lot of it was a bit conceited, overall, it was a pretty nice speech. He made it sound as if they were hopelessly in love, and he had no idea that she was struggling, whatsoever. I knew that it was a load of bullshit, but no one else knew that, so I guess he played it safe.
After his eulogy, we all left to go to the burial grounds.
It was hard to watch her casket be placed into that large, rectangular hole in the ground. It was hard to watch her parents hold each other while bursting into tears.
It was hard to see everyone with those upsetting frowns on their faces.
I hated it. I hated every minute of it.
I just wanted my best friend back. I just wanted to go back in time and prevent this from happening. I desperately wished for it all to just be a cruel nightmare that I would wake up from in any second.
But instead, it had to be real. This was actually happening.
I buried my face into Alex’s chest and sobbed, as we stood there. He wrapped his arms around my violently shaking body, and began rubbing circles on my back with his hand.
This just may be the worst day of my life. And trust me, I've had a lot of bad days.

After the funeral, the McDougalls and Jenna’s relatives were all having dinner at her house. They insisted that I come, as well.
It was hard to get the guts to walk into their front door, but I knew I needed to be supportive of the family who has always been supportive of me.
I walked into the familiar house, and suddenly, so many memories of coming here just came flooding back to me. I missed it here, a lot.
“Tay? Is that you?” I heard Ms. McDougall say to me, as she walked up to me from the kitchen.
“It's me.” I gave her a smile, as she wrapped me up into a big hug.
I didn't realize how much I'd missed these people. They took care of me like I was their own!
Soon after, Mr. McDougall came into view, and he gave me a hug, as well. My hug for him was more halfhearted, because I remembered what Jenna had said about him in her letter.
“Oh, and this is my boyfriend, Alex.” I stepped aside to introduce them to him.
He stepped up and shook their hands, with a small smile on his face.
“I'm sorry to hear about what happened, and you have our condolences.” Alex politely smiled a little at them, which they returned.
“Thank you, son. That really means a lot.” Mr. McDougall nodded at him.
“Now, let's have some dinner, shall we?”

Dinner was a bit quiet, but I could hardly imagine that they really wanted to socialize after what happened earlier today. I hardly even had an appetite, from it.
The awkward silence was finally broken, when Ms. McDougall turned to speak to me.
“So Tay, how's Maryland going for you?”
“Oh, it's great. I have some really nice friends there, and everything's going pretty well.” I answered genuinely, after swallowing my food.
“Oh that's wonderful..” She smiled, then leaned in to whisper in my ear,
“Care to meet me upstairs after dinner?”
I gulped in response, instantly feeling uneasy about what she'd possibly want to talk about.
“Uh…s-sure.” I whispered back.
Once we were finished with dinner, I told Alex that I was going to talk to Jenna’s mom upstairs, and that I'd be down in a few minutes. He responded with an “Okay,” and gave me a peck on the lips.
I went upstairs and walked through the hall, stopping when I saw the door to Jenna's room open.
I cautiously walked inside, stopping when I saw (formerly) Mrs. McDougall, staring at Jenna’s dresser and bookshelf.
“Hi..” My voice came out a bit dry and hoarse-like.
She didn't respond. I slowly walked closer, to see her eyes darting from the different picture frames she had up. After a moment, she decided on picking up one that I noticed had my face on it. She turned around, and held it out to me.
I saw that it was a picture of me and Jenna from a year ago. We had gone to the beach together that summer, and we were laughing in the picture, with our beach curled hair and matching polka dot bikinis.
I smiled at the memory, but it also caused me to tear up, of course.
“Here, she wanted you to have one of these..I think this one was her favorite of you two.” Mrs. McDougall said a bit shakily, sounding like she was trying to keep from choking up.
It was kind of a big frame, so I had to take it with both hands to make sure I wouldn't drop it.
But then, she grabbed onto my left hand.
She turned my wrist over, despite my protests of trying to tug my arm back. The only evidence left on my wrists were pale, white scars that I figured I'd be able to hide without covering them up. But I guess I was wrong.
“Tay honey, please tell me something.” Mrs. McDougall said softly, still holding on to my hand.
“Why do you do this to yourself?”
I stared at her like a deer in the headlights, not really knowing what to say.
“I-I..I did it because..I don't know.” I sighed in defeat, realizing that it would be wrong to talk about my problems and try to make this about me, when her daughter pretty much killed herself.
Jenna's mom sighed, and sat down on the bed. I sat down next to her, holding the frame in my lap.
“Listen, Tay. I know that sometimes it seems as if the world is your enemy, and it feels like you might deserve these type of things, but really, no one does. No one deserves to feel like they don't belong in this world. You have to be strong, okay? You're such a beautiful girl, and so was Jenna. I still can't believe that she would do this to herself..but I would also hate to see you fall into the same footsteps. I love you like a daughter, Taylor. Don't let me lose both of them.” She had such sadness written all over her face, with tears steadily rolling down her cheeks.
It hurt me to see her this way. I may have lost my best friend, but she lost her child.
I couldn't contain my tears after hearing those words come out of her mouth.
“I'm so sorry..I'm so so sorry!! I killed your daughter! I'm so so sorry!!” Sobs began to ripple through my body, as she wrapped me into a motherly hug.
“Shhh..no. You didn't kill her..no one did. We've all done things that we regret, but it doesn't mean that we killed her. I'm not blaming you for this, and Jenna wouldn't blame you, either. Don't say things like that..okay?” She soothed, helping me to calm down.
I just nodded, and tried to breathe more steadily.
We sat there for I don't know how long, just shedding tears and giving each other the comfort we both needed when grieving Jenna.
After a while, she stood up, and I followed suit.
“Well, we should be getting back to everyone else, shall we?” She gave me a small smile, which I returned. I began to leave to leave the room, when she called me back.
“But wait, Taylor?”
I turned back around to give her a questioning look.
“Promise me you won't try to hurt yourself ever again? I would absolutely hate to lose you, dear..” She looked at me with sad, pleading eyes.
I had been in this situation before. I promised my father I wouldn't, and I lied. I promised Alex I wouldn't, and I lied.
I lied to the most important people in my life, and I really regretted doing it.
But all I know is, I cannot ever lie about it to Mrs. McDougall. Especially not after what's happened.
“I promise you, I won't.” I said, with the most honest and genuine look in my eyes.
She smiled in relief, and then gestured to the door. I nodded, and then followed her downstairs.

When it was time to go, Alex and I hugged the McDougalls goodbye. They told us that we should visit them sometime. We agreed that we would, and then walked out of the house, hand in hand.
We got into the car, and just sat there for a while.
Alex turned to look at me, and I just sighed, and reached over to lace my fingers with his.
He stroked my hand with his thumb, and scanned over my eyes with his.
“You okay?” He asked, a bit worriedly.
I just sighed, and nodded.
“Thank you, Alex. You've always been there to help me, and I'm thankful for that. I really am.”
He just responded with a smile, and kissed the back of my hand, before he started the car and began driving back to the hotel.
After a few minutes, I spoke up again.
“You do know that I love you, right?” I turned to him.
He took his eyes off of the road to give me a smirk.
“Well, I'd like to think so.”
“No Alex, I'm serious. I just hope you know that I really appreciate how much you care about me, and that I love you..so much.” All of a sudden, I desperately just wanted him to know that I don't take him for granted.
“I love you too, baby..always.” He gave me a smile, and squeezed my hand even tighter.
I just kept watching him as he drove. I spent the whole ride just admiring the boy I loved to death. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a guy like Alex in my life, but I am eternally grateful. I couldn't live without him.
Honestly.

Notes

I'm all caught up on my writing, and I should be going back to my usual schedule of updating.
The next chapter won't be this depressing. It'll still be a little bit sad, but it'll be more fluffy-ish.
Anywho...
WE ARE OFFICIALLY IN THE FINAL 3 CHAPTERS!!!
Therefore, I want you guys to seriously comment like crazy on each update to make me happy, okay?
I'm really bummed bc I actually can't go to The World Tour bc it's gonna be like 2 hours away from my city and it might be snowing and now I'm upset.
I want band merch for Christmas.
That was random. But true.

QOTD: Who is your favorite character of this fic? ;)
I honestly don't know..I like em all. I'll choose Rian, because I barely write about him.
We love you, man. <3

Thanks! :)

Title cred: A Shot Across The Bow- Mayday Parade