Kiss Me Again

I'm not okay. Nothing is okay. Quite frankly, I don't think that anything will be ‘okay’ ever again. Come to think of it, when were things ever okay?
When I lived back in New York, I had Jenna as my best friend, but I was still a pretty sad and miserable person. When I moved here, things got some better, but a lot of things got even worse. Along with being five hours away from her, I lost my best friend. And it was from something awful, yet stupid now that I look back on it. An ex-boyfriend. That was all it took to destroy our eight year friendship. It's sad, it really is.
Hateful, irrational words were exchanged, and feelings were hurt. And what hurt even more was that in both of our hearts, we thought that the sisterhood we had was bigger than all of that. We thought we had an un-breakable bond, but it was broken beyond repair. Shattered like pieces of glass, scattered across the floor; as we secretly dared each other to take a wrong step so that the glass would puncture the other’s feet, and they could feel all the physical pain that we were feeling emotionally.
We wished so desperately that we could take it all back, but with wounds that deep, sometimes you just don't recover.
And that is what happened to Jenna Mcdougall. She couldn't help herself recover from the pain, guilt, and resentment. And she couldn't physically recover from her split, gaping wrists, and the cut off circulation of air; caused by the tightly knotted rope around her neck.
She’s gone, and there's nothing that I could possibly say or do to change that. It's much too late for apologies. Much too late to change what has happened. No do-overs. No going back in time. She's gone.
Gone.
And I can't take anything back.
Her funeral is tomorrow. I've been in bed for two days straight. I never leave, except only for bathroom breaks. Not even for food. I don't deserve to eat. I refuse to.
I'm not mentally prepared for her funeral tomorrow, at all. How can you possibly be prepared for it? No one just prepares to go to their best friend’s funeral. Especially when you know that you have had no right to call them your best friend, for the past few months.
The only thing I have the power to do is cry. Crying isn't even enough.
How dare I curl up under these covers and fucking cry and feel sorry for myself, when I know damn well that Jenna took her own life because of me?!
I feel guilty. Really fucking guilty. Everything is my own fucking fault, and the worst part is: I can't take it back. She deserves to know that I regret holding that grudge against her, and telling her I hated her the last time I saw her! She deserves the biggest fucking apology in the world, and she deserves to know that I've missed having her around. She was my best friend. Truly, she was. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us.
Not at all.
I barely even have any memories of us to visually look back at. I deleted all of her pictures out of my phone, after the first incident. I still had one photo, though, that I took with me when I left Poughkeepsie. It was one of our favorite photos, of us at a school dance in sophomore year. We wore matching dresses, and both dyed the tips of our hair, teal. We always twinned a lot, for different occasions. It was just our thing. It all takes me back to the inside jokes we shared, and the stupid little handshake we created in the fifth grade.
When I'd have sleepovers at her house, and eat dinner with her parents, whom were practically my own. When we'd go on vacations together every summer, one time being Disney World, where we acted like little kids; even though we were just overly excited sixteen year olds.
Having these flashbacks made me smile a little bit, and I suddenly felt like calling Jenna up about it. But then I began to burst into tears all over again when I remembered..oh yeah, she's dead. It's just hard to register in my brain, that she's gone. I've known her for most of my life; she's just always been there! It sometimes feels like she's still here. But I guess it'll finally hit me tomorrow, when I see her casket being buried underneath the ground.
All I want is to be comforted right about now; I guess it isn't such a good idea for me to be alone at this time. But, it makes me feel selfish to be comforted, after pretty much killing my best friend. Alex has been trying his hardest to make sure I'm okay, but I just won't let him in this time. I know that it isn't fair and he's only trying to help, but I just keep shutting him out.
I repeatedly tell him that I'm uncomfortable and I just want to be alone. He understands this, but only abides my wishes by leaving to go get me things that make me happy. He'll cutely go out and buy me chocolate and ice cream and flowers, in attempts to cheer me up. It doesn't really help much, but I still give him credit for trying. He really is.
In fact, he's out at some store now, doing just that. I do not deserve him at all. He's such a sweet guy, but it's such a shame that he has fallen for such a cold-hearted bitch, like me. He is in love with a murderer. That's what I am. A murderer. I do not deserve love. I deserve nothing but pain.
I shakily put the photo down, and dragged myself out of the bed. I walked directly across the room, and over to Alex’s dresser, where I had put Jenna’s letter. I couldn't bring myself to read the rest of it in the past few days, but I think I might need to before attending her funeral.
This is gonna be hard to do, but if she wanted me to read it, then I'll read it.
I took a deep breath, and began reading where I left off.

Tay, you're my best friend. I know that you've been pretty angry with me, but I just want you to know that you'll still ALWAYS be my best friend; in my heart. I mean, of course you are! You have been, ever since back when we were giving each other mani-pedis at sleepovers, and playing freeze tag at recess!
I sniffled and smiled a little bit, at the memory.
Tay, you're like a sister to me, and the sisterhood will last forever. Even if I'm not here.. Oh God, I didn't even cry this hard while writing my other letters! I know that it's wrong to say goodbye to you like this, especially when our friendship “ended” on bad terms. On really REALLY bad terms.
But Tay, I want you to know that this, in NO WAY, is your fault.
Oh, but it is. I know it's my fault, Jenna. Don't try to convince me otherwise, when we both know that it's true.
You're probably wondering why I'm doing this, and I think it's fair that I at least owe you an explanation. But do not show this to anyone. Please, I don't want them thinking it's their fault, either.
Tay, before I last saw you, my life was kind of falling apart. Not only because Oli and I had broken up, but because I started getting a little depressed.
She was depressed?? Why didn't she tell me?
My parents were getting divorced, and I would get in fights with them all the time. My dad even hit me, one time. But only once. I felt so unwanted, and like there was something wrong with me. I still do. And believe me, I know it was absolutely wrong, but I truly did love Oli. When he left me, I was all alone. And I couldn't exactly vent to you about it, either. I was sneaky about my relationship with Oli, and it was really really fucking wrong, and I am so fucking sorry, Tay. I've never been so regretful in my entire life.
And I didn't tell you about the divorce problem, because I knew you had enough problems on your own plate, and I felt too guilty about Oli; to possibly try to vent to you about one of my own problems!
That doesn't make your problems any smaller, Jenna. That doesn't mean they didn’t matter!!
But anyway, Oli eventually came back to me, and he helped me through my problems. I'm still not over the whole situation, I'm far from it. But he insisted on being there for me, and that blinded me from seeing that he really didn't love me at all.
You were right, Oli did do the same to me as he did to you. We had gotten in a fight, and I asked him about it. He eventually fessed up that when we broke up, he went straight over to you. I guess that was my whole problem all along. I never wanted to be a rebound from you. I've always been jealous of you. I just wanted to be the pretty one, for once. I wanted to be the first choice that guys run to.
The pretty one?? She didn't think that she was pretty enough? She's always been the flawless friend that I envied so much. And I didn't know that was how she felt. All guys had ever done was treat me like shit, but all along, she still never got the attention she wanted.
My jealousy got in the way of me being rational, and acting like a true friend to you. For that, I am sorry. I honestly do not know what was wrong with me. But now here I am. Oli broke my heart, my parents are divorced, my best friend hates me, and I've never felt so alone. I feel like all of this is my fault. And it is, it most definitely is. Maybe if I was a better daughter. Maybe if I wasn't such a jealous drama queen. Maybe if I was a more loyal best friend.
No, Jenna. Don't blame yourself. I should've forgiven you when you apologized!
“I shouldn't have said that I hated you. I don't hate you!!” I cried hopelessly at the paper, though my apology was long overdue.
Tay, just remember that it isn't your fault. Just remember that I love you, and we will ALWAYS be sisters. Forever.
I'm sorry, but I just can't live, knowing that my actions have ruined everything. That I'll never be good enough. That I'm just a waste of space. I'm sorry. Please do not hate me anymore than you already do. I'm sorry.
I guess this is goodbye.
-Love, Blondie, AKA Jenna.
P.S. Do not blame yourself. And please do not do anything stupid.

Don't do anything stupid?? She's telling me not to do anything STUPID?!? She fucking killed herself, and she expects me not to blame myself for it, either!
I dropped the paper to the ground, as I collapsed to the floor, and sobs rippled through my body.
In all honesty Jenna, I'm the one who deserves to be dead.
I sat up and brought my knees to my chest, as I cried so hard that I was beginning to hyperventilate. I was having a huge breakdown, and I began to scream and claw at my wrist with my fingernails, leaving various thin, red slashes all over my skin.
I deserve pain. I deserve to die.
I scrambled up to my feet, taking big, heavy breaths; as I ran to the bathroom.
I pulled out my razor, and broke the blade out of it, before setting it down on the sink counter-top.
I just shakily stood there and stared at it, thinking about how Jenna used this to help kill herself, as if hanging herself just wouldn't be enough.
I thought about how she must have had rivers flowing out of her eyes, as the blood poured out of her wrists.
My insides did a 360, and I leaned over the toilet, as I began to puke my guts out.
I can't believe she would do this. Why would she do this? Oh I know why. Because of me.
When I got up, I picked up the blade, and held it in the palm of my hand.
I'm so sorry, Jenna. You thought that you just weren't important. But you were. And I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough friend to tell you that.
I stared at the blade, while tears continually poured out of my eyes. All of my focus was on the little shiny piece of metal. I was so fixated on it, that I didn't hear anyone come up the stairs.
I grasped the blade in my fingers, and looked down at my wrist.
I'm sorry, Jenna. I am so so sorry..
I positioned the blade so it would be diagonal. I deserve to die.
“I'm sorry.” I whispered, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
Then, I heard footsteps behind me, walk into the bathroom.
I turned around and began to sob even harder, after seeing the shocked and disappointed look on Alex’s face.
“Tay…what are you doing?” He said slowly and cautiously, slowly stepping closer to me.
I could barely form sentences because I was crying so hard.
“I-I d-didn't want you t-to be here t-to see..this.” I sobbed, with the blade still shaking in my hand.
“Tay, no. I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself. Give it to me.” Alex demanded, holding out his hand and motioning towards the blade.
I just let out another sob, and frantically shook my head.
“NO ALEX, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!! I HAVE TO DIE!” I screamed, on the edge of insanity.
“No, Tay! I can't let you do that. I won't let you do that to me! Now give it to me.” He took a step closer to me.
“JENNA DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE, I DID!!” I still refused to hand it over.
“You're right, she shouldn't have died. But she chose to. She shouldn't have. And you shouldn't either. If you know how bad it hurts to have that happen to someone you love, then you won't do that to me. You won't do this to yourself. Fucking PLEASE, Tay!! Hand it over to me!” Alex began to get frustrated and worked up. I started seeing tears prick at his eyes.
I instantly felt awful, and I was brought out of my trance.
I looked down at the blade in my hands and blinked at it a few times, before dropping it into the toilet beside me, and flushing it.
“I'm s-sorry.” I whispered while looking down at the ground, my body trembling.
Alex deeply sighed with relief, and took a step closer to me.
“Come here.”
He grabbed my arm, and pulled me into his embrace, hugging me as tight as he could while I cried into his shirt.
“Please don't try that again. Don't do that to me Tay, please please don't do that to me.” He whispered desperately, as he silently cried, and ran his fingers through my hair.
I nodded into his chest, and started crying even harder.
“Promise me you won't.”
“O-okay.” I whispered his response.
He held my arms, and moved back to look me in the eye.
“I'm so serious right now, Tay. Promise me you won't!” His face was red and tear stained, and he looked at me with such sorrow and desperation. I had never seen him look so upset before. And it was all my fault.
“I promise you, Alex. I-I'm sorry..okay? I just..don't know what to do..” My voice was all shaky.
“Why? Why would you even think about doing that??”
I fell silent, and looked down at the ground.
“Tell me!!”
“Because! I can't take it back! Jenna was depressed and-and I d-didn't know about it, and..and she died thinking that I hated her, Alex!! I told her I hated her! And I can't take it back! She's gone, and I can't take it back!!” I broke out into more sobs, and Alex pulled me back into his embrace.
“I'm sorry you lost your best friend. I really am, Tay. But you didn't know. You didn't know that this would happen. You had a valid reason to be upset with her. You can't possibly start blaming yourself for this! It's unfair. Maybe she felt awful for doing what she did to you, but she could've handled the situation a lot better. It isn't your fault, baby. It isn't.”
I just cried, and nodded into his chest.
“She's really gone. My best friend is really gone.” I whispered, wrapping my arms tighter around Alex’s torso.
“I know, baby. But she wouldn't want you to hurt yourself over this.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you try to do it?”
“I thought I deserved it.”
“You don't. You deserve to live. You're beautiful. You deserve to be happy. Don't ever leave me, okay?”
Alex was really helping me to calm down. Maybe I actually should've opened up to him about it, sooner.
“Okay. I'm really glad I still have you, Alex. Without you, I definitely wouldn't be here.”
“Shhh..baby. I love you. I love you so fucking much.” He whispered, stroking my hair, and kissing the top of my head.
I love you too, Alex. More than you could ever imagine.

Notes

I've literally typed this long ass author's note 100 times over bc my computer kept crashing and I'm really fucking annoyed. Anywho..
Omg hey, I'm back :)
I finally got a new phone, and I immediately started writing this last night. I just couldn't wait, bc this is the longest I've ever gone without updating! Which means, that I still have to write those 3 chapters over that got deleted. So expect the next update in a few days from now. I've literally been so lost without my phone, and my computer is like always being used, so I had to resort to using this site on my PS3 and that is the most frustrating thing ever, holy shit. xD

But in all seriousness, I think this is a very important topic.
Please, do not even think about taking your own life. I know that depression is awful, and it blinds you to think that you are "a waste of space". But you aren't. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. Believe it or not, somebody does love you, and somebody does care about you. And if you can't think of anybody who does, then think of me. I think you all are beautiful and amazing people, and I'm always here for you. You deserve to be happy. Trust me, I know that it is really hard to be optimistic, but you have to believe that you can overcome the tough obstacles that life throws at you. Some are tougher than others. But I believe that you can do it(:
But seriously, you can vent to me anytime. I may be able to relate.
My parents split. I'm the only quiet one in my family, and no one really understands me. I'm expected to be the perfect ideal child, bc my older sister wasn't. I got my heart broken by someone who I basically told my whole life story to. I had 3 people who were close to me, die all in the same week, one year. I've been bullied, and also betrayed by my friends. I've wanted to die before. Heck, my very first time self harming was when I was 10. Yeah, stupid kid, I know. But that was when it had all started. When I got social anxiety, and I could no longer communicate, which caused me to be made fun of, and I lost all of my friends. I worried about my every move, in fear of being judged. Sometimes, I still do. This pretty much continued for years, and they were the darkest times of my life. But hey, now I'm 5 months clean :)
I wouldn't really call this a "story", and I know that a lot of people have it 20 times worse than I do, but I just wanted to put all of that out there. I hope this was at least a little bit helpful to anyone who's struggling. *starts playing Therapy*

I LOVE YOU.
<3333333333333

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey