Kiss Me Again

She said it.
She said she loved me.
She said she LOVED me!!!
I had been waiting for that moment for such a long time. I spent every day with her, just longing to hear those words escape her lips.
It was like a dream to hear someone like Tay Jardine tell you that they love you. That they're in love with you. Actually, no..ONLY Tay Jardine telling me she loves me could make me feel so happy like this.
I mean..damn. She loves me back.
It's too bad I can't celebrate it.
I can't tell her I love her too.
I can't pick her up and spin her around.
I can't kiss her.
I can't laugh at her blushing cheeks.
I can't be with her.
It really kills me inside, but I have Lisa now. I have to be loyal to her, because she is my girlfriend. It's my job. It's what I have to do.
Right?
I'm not really as happy with her as I was with Tay, but I'll learn to be. I just have to learn to love her smile, and her laughs, and her personality. I'll learn to love Lisa for who she is.
That's what I'm supposed to do, right??
I got out of bed, and got ready for the day. I straightened my caramel-colored hair, and put a grey beanie on, over it.
I walked downstairs, and grabbed a Gatorade on my way out. I could just feel that it was gonna be a long day. I mean, why wouldn't it be? It always is.

I got to school, and walked down the corridor, to my locker.
I felt two arms hug me from behind, as I was unlocking my combination. It reminded me of so many fantastic mornings, when Tay would hug me at my locker, and then we'd flirt and kiss, and it would just be our happy little mornings, that no one could ever ruin for us.
That memory just made it hurt even more, knowing that I can't relive those moments again, along with the fact that it wasn't Tay, it was just Lisa.
"Hey baaaby!" She grinned, standing on her toes to kiss my cheek.
"Oh..hey!" I made my best effort to force a smile.
"Aw, what's wrong, babe? You seem a little..distracted." She pouted flirtatiously, turning my chin to make me look at her.
"Nah, you're the only one I'm focused on, babe." I fake smiled once again, before turning back to unpack my stuff at my locker.
"Oh, alright, fine. Your locker is sooo much more interesting than me, right?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes and folding her arms.
"No, I'm just getting my stu-"
"Ugh, whatever. I mean, I don't even get a good morning kiss or anything!" She continued on with her rant.
I sighed, then leaned down to kiss her.
"I'm sorry, ba-"
"No. It's too late now. See ya at lunch." She cut me off short, the flaunted off down the hall, to her friends.
Do you see my issue now?
Ugh.
Once I got all my stuff, I dragged on down the hall, to get to my next class. Then, with just my luck, I saw Jack walking towards me. I love my best friend, I really do, but I'm in the most pissiest mood ever at the moment, and I'm just not in the mood for talking to anybody.
"Hey, Al-"
"Listen, Jack..we can talk later, I'm just not in a good mood right now." I cut him off, and walked right past him.
"Hey! Alex, wait! I just need to talk to you about-" He called after me.
I simply just turned around, and shot him a cold glare.
He stopped in his tracks, and held up his hands in surrender, allowing me to turn back around and storm to my homeroom.
I felt kinda bad for being such a jerk to my friend, but when I feel shitty, I become shitty. He understands that when I'm in a bad mood, I become a bit of an asshole.
I put my head down on the desk, and decided to get a little shut eye before the bell.

My next classes were completely boring and uneventful. I had no issue sleeping through those classes, as well.
But then came the infamous, heartbreaking, algebra class; where I had to sit next to the ex-love of my life for an hour.
I deeply sighed as I walked in, taking my seat next to her. She was staring down at her hands, which were fiddling with the sleeves of her hoodie. It was a fairly hot day, so I don't know why she was wearing it, but hey- whatever makes her comfortable.
It's not like she doesn't look beautiful in everything she wears..
Dammit.
Dammit Alex, you have a girlfriend.
I just wish it was still her.
I sighed, and turned to face the front for the rest of the class period.
But I couldn't help but think about her the whole time.
Everytime she's around, it's like I can't help but think about how we used to be, and how badly I wanna kiss her and hold her hand, and just...
It seems like it's impossible to get over her.
When the bell rang, she shot up out of her seat to quickly get as far away from me as she could.
I don't know what came over me, I really should've just walked on ahead to lunch as usual, but I stopped her before she could get to the door.
"Hey, Tay! Wait!"
She slowly turned around to face me, allowing everyone else to leave the classroom.
"What do you want, Alex?" She hissed.
"I-I.."
I honestly wasn't sure what exactly I wanted to say to her, I just really wanted to speak to her and hear her sweet voice speak back to me, is all.
She raised a brow and crossed her arms, waiting impatiently for me to say something.
"I uh...you..uh.." I mentally slapped myself for creating this overbearingly awkward moment.
She just rolled her eyes and walked away from me.
She was being cold to me, and I guess I deserved it. I was a dick to her last week, and plus, she seemed so upset when she found out me and Lisa were dating..goddammit, the look on her face was just too much for me to handle. I couldn't even fucking look at her, because I was afraid I'd break down with her, and start comforting her in my arms. That wouldn't be a smart move in front of your girlfriend, now would it?
Speaking of my girlfriend...
I walked out of the math room, and down to the cafeteria, where the guys, Hayley, and Lisa were all waiting for me at the table.
All except Tay, of course. It still just doesn't feel right, having Lisa take her place, and sit in her seat.
I can just picture us sitting there..laughing, joking around, kissing..
Those are all just broken memories now.
I sat down at the table, to be immediately greeted by a forceful, sudden kiss on the lips from Lisa, which shocked me for a moment, before I kissed her back.
Once I pulled away, I turned back around in my seat to see a bunch of non-playful scowls from my friends, but once they saw us looking, they turned their attention back to their food.
This was no surprise to me. I know they don't really like Lisa very much, but I try to get them to give her a chance, ya know? I don't want them being rude to her or anything..
Jack opened his mouth to say something to me, when Lisa cut him off, and began talking to me instead.
"SO. Lexxyyy...you know what I wanna do??" She beamed at me, earning scowls from Jack and Hayley.
"Ahem! I THINK Jack was talking!" Hayley snarled at Lisa, earning a little nudge from Jack, telling her to chill.
"Oh really? Well I THINK, he should be shutting up instead! And hey, so should you! Thanks!" Lisa retaliated, putting some huge fake grin on her face, before turning back to me and continuing.
"Anyways...LEXXY! Do you know what happens in exactly three weeks?!?" She beamed at me, once again.
"Hopefully, your period.." Zack muttered, earning a chuckle from Rian, who sat beside him.
Lisa completely disregarded his comment, and kept staring up at me, with her wide, intimidating eyes.
"Uhh...I don't know?" I said, awkwardly, not knowing what the heck she was talking about.
"YOU DON'T KNOW?? IT'S PROM, ALEX!! PROM!!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED ME TO IT, YET!!" She yelled, even though she was right beside me.
"Uhh..I uh-"
"WELL? AREN'T YOU GONNA ASK ME?"
I cleared my throat.
"Sure, umm..Lisa, will you uh..go to prom with m-"
"YES!! Okay, now we need to find time to go shopping for a dress and tux, we need to match, and-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, Lisa, babe...don't you think it might be a little too early for prom shopping already-"
"IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY FOR SHOPPING!!" Both Lisa and Hayley yelled at the same time, leaving me startled at their outburst.
"Whoa, okay okay, fine.." I held my hands up in surrender, feeling kind of frightened now.
"Ha! Hayley, it looks like maybe you and Lisa do have something in common!" Zack joked, earning an eye roll from Hayley.
"Oh please, I'm nothing LIKE that bit-"
"Hey Alex, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" Jack cut Hayley off, standing up and looking down at me.
"I uh...o-okay?" I stood up uneasily, looking at Lisa permissively.
I saw Hayley give Jack a little nod at the corner of my eye, as I started walking away with him.
Wonder what that's about..
"Hurry back!!" I heard Lisa call from behind me.
I walked outside after Jack, into the back courtyard.
"So...what did ya need to talk to me about?" I asked, feeling a bit worried. Jack never really pulled me aside to give me serious discussions, like this.
"It's about Lisa..I-"
"Yeah yeah, I know, I know. You don't like her, I get it. But she's my girlfriend, and you're all gonna have to respect-"
"Okay Alex, no. Let me start this over. We both know this isn't about Lisa, this is about Tay."
The mention of her name, hit my chest like a ton of bricks.
I just furrowed my eyebrows and stared at him, silently urging him to continue.
"Alex, I know you don't actually have all these 'feelings' for Lisa. It's all just a little facade! I see right through you Alex, I know that you couldn't ever love Lisa, nearly as much as you love Tay."
True.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I denied, averting my eyes to the ground.
"Cut the crap, Alex. You and me both know that you still aren't over Tay. You love that girl, Alex! I remember even before you guys even started DATING, and you would go on and on to me about how much you liked her and wanted to be with her! I remember when you were yelling at me about how much she changed you for the better! I remember how cute you guys would be..holding hands and laughing like little kids, and-and the way you looked at her! When you guys would look at each other, it would seem as if you two were lost in time, like there was no one else around you! You two were inseparable, you two were-"
"OKAY! OKAY, I FUCKING GET IT! I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER! I KNOW! TRUST ME, JACK, I KNOW!!" I yelled, getting frustrated.
I didn't mean to go off on him once again, but I couldn't stand to hear what he was saying anymore. It was killing me inside.
"Alex, I'm sorry. I'm just saying, you belong with Tay.."
"And why, Jack? Why the fuck are you even telling me this? I know I belong with Tay. This wasn't even my fault! I wanted to stay with Tay forever! She broke up with me!"
"I know, Alex..and that's why you need to talk to her! You need to fix your relationship with her! You need to-"
"And say what, Jack? She won't even talk to me! I hurt her, and she hates my guts. So sorry if my problems are somehow affecting you, but I'm already in a relationship, and I'm gonna go get back to it."
And with that, I turned around, and walked back to the table.

Even though I acted as if I wasn't having any of it, Jack's words still rang through my head the entire day.
Maybe I should talk to her?
And tell her what? She hates me.
But she has a right to hate me.
Wait, no she doesn't. She dumped me when I did nothing.
Because I didn't even do anything..right??
I drove home, and pulled up into my driveway, to see a familiar green car already parked.
This could only mean one thing.
I quickly hopped out of my the car, and ran into the house.
"JAAAANNEE!!! JAAAAANE!!!" I screamed with excitement, running all around the house, eagerly searching for the sweet, blonde lady who raised me.
"JAAAANNEEE!!" I continued to yell, stopping in the middle of the living room, when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
"OKAY, OKAY, I'M HERE! GEE, CAN'T A WOMAN BLOW DRY HER HAIR AROUND HERE?" Janet joked, as she got downstairs, and opened her arms for me to run into.
I enveloped her into a long, warm hug. There's hugs, and then there's Mom hugs. Even if she isn't my real mother. I felt comforted in a way that simply no one else has the skill to do.
"I missed you, Jane! I missed you SO. FUCKING. MUCH!" I squeezed her even tighter, causing her to laugh.
"Oh, my boy! I've missed you too, Lex! You're kinda hurting me now, though.."
I quickly let go, in alarm.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I just...I really really missed you."
"Oh, it's fine, Lex!! I'm perfectly fine with your hugs, hun." She waved it off with her hand, and smiled.
"Oh, do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Anything??" I quickly offered out of excitement that she was here.
"Whoa there, Lex! This is my house, ya know!" She smirked.
"I-I know, I just-"
"Lex, come sit down. I think we need to have a little chat, don't you?" She suggested, walking over to sit down on the couch.
"A chat? W-what about?" I sat down next to her.
"I think I've missed out on a lot! Mind telling me about it?"
Janet had been gone since Christmas Eve, and it was May, now. She really was gone for a long time.
"O-okay..where do I start?"
Jane chuckled, and placed a comforting hand on a arm.
"You could start by telling me the reason why you seem so stressed out!"
I sighed at the fact that she knew me so well.
"Well...you know that girl who I went on a date with when you were still here? Tay?"
"Oh yeah! I forgot to ask you about her! How'd it go?"
"It went pretty well...for a while.." I sighed, stressfully running my fingers through my hair.
"For a while?" Jane reached over and placed her hand on mine comfortingly, out of concern.
"Tell me more."
So I started from the very beginning, and told her everything. About Tay's issues, (which I know she wouldn't judge her for), and about every single problem we've had. I told her about all of our dates, and the little details I loved about Tay.
I could remember every single thing; I wish I could just forget it all, to make things easier, but I just can't.
So I basically told her it all... except anything sexual, because she most likely doesn't wanna hear about that, and that would just be weird anyway.
When I finished, Jane was giving me a look of pure concern.
"Oh, Lex... I know you must've loved that girl with all your heart.."
"I still do, actually." I whispered, looking down at my hands in my lap.
"Well, that's a no brainer. It's the only explanation as to why you're so upset."
"I'm not upset."
"Lex, yes you are. You know you can't hide things from me, I'm your mother. Or at least I try to be."
"You're good at it." I gave her a half smile.
"Well thank you. Hearing that, makes me happy." She smiled back.
"But Lex, that's why I'm really concerned.. Why are you with this Lisa girl, anyway?"
I sighed.
"I..because. I uh..I like her??"
"Don't lie to me, Lex."
"How am I lying??"
"If you really liked her, it wouldn't sound like a question. And you wouldn't be wishing you were with Tay, instead."
"Well, I'm convinced I'll start liking Lisa in that way, too..eventually.."
"Well I'm not! Alex, you can't just have a person grow on you..it's either you feel a connection between you two, or you don't. And from the way you described her, it sounds like you two have nothing in common! I don't know, but she sounds a little prissy, to me."
I rolled my eyes at that.
"What's your point, Jane?"
"My point is, that you can't use Lisa as some sort of..defense mechanism! You can't use her to try to deny your feelings for Tay. If anything, it's only making it worse! If you want to be with Tay, and you're dating Lisa, the odds are just not in your favor, kid!"
"Jane, you don't get it! She dumped me, okay? She dumped me, because of something that LISA did!! She thought I was cheating or some shit..she didn't trust me! And that hurt me..a lot." My head was starting to hurt now.
"Oh, open your eyes, Lex! I'm sorry..you know I love you, but you're being completely oblivious to the poor girl's feelings."
"Oblivious to her feelings?! I was ALWAYS there for her through all that shit she went through! I cared about her! What the fuck do you mean, 'oblivious to her feelings'?!"
"Lex, calm down. And you are! Listen, from what you told me, she's a sad girl. A really really sad girl. She's been through a lot with her self-esteem, and apparently, the guys she's been with haven't helped that, at all. Seeing you with Lisa, couldn't have been easy for her. Picture this..what if a fairly-attractive guy, who's not always nice to you, decided to flirt with Tay; even in front of you, and spent all this alone time with her, every single day? And what if he switched into your classroom to personally taunt you, and then, also decided to kiss her, in front of the whole school?? Oh, along with the FIRST time he kissed her! How would that make you feel, Lex?"
I thought about it for a moment.
"I'd put that guy into a fucking hospital."
"Yeah, so you'd be angry, right? But imagine if you were in Tay's shoes. What if you felt awful about yourself all the time? You'd feel really insecure and hurt, by it. Especially seeing it happen every single day, and not being able to do much about it, for her sake!!"
I began to feel like complete and utter shit.
I never tried to put myself into her shoes.
I assumed that she was just being unfair, and self-centered for just leaving me like that.
It was probably just too much for her to handle, anymore. Let's face it, even I wouldn't be able to stand to see some dickhead all over her all the time, either.
Ugh, I'm a moron.
"You're right. But...I still don't know what to do." I frowned, hoping she had some sort of advice.
"Talk to her? I mean..I know it'll be hard to do. Especially since you started DATING the girl who got you into this mess, and on top of that, you did intentionally kiss Lisa right in front of her.."
I did kiss Lisa in front of her. And she was going to tell me she loved me. She was trying to work things out with me, and I was too blind to see it.
"God, I'm a dick."
"Lex..."
"Thanks, Jane. I'll figure this mess out. I'm going upstairs. Good night, love you." I gave her a kiss on the cheek, before I went storming upstairs.
"I love you too!" She called after me, from the couch where she was still sitting.
I stomped into my room, and slammed the door shut. I was so fucking angry with myself for hurting her. All this time, I was too blind to see that I was the real reason why we broke up. I'm a dumbass. It was me, all along.
I groaned, and collapsed on my bed.
I couldn't possibly sleep. All I could think about, was how much I missed her.
I reached over to my bedside table, and picked up my journal and pen.
I might as well just write.
I started writing a bunch of songs about Tay. She's all I think about, so writing helps me get everything I have to say, off my chest. A bit therapeutic, if you think about it.

I looked down at the last song I wrote. I decided that this would be my last one before I went to sleep. I had been up for hours, but it didn't matter; it was Friday, anyway.

If I catch you on the corner
Will you even know it's me?
Will I look familiar to you?
Do you offer me a seat?
Can we find a new beginning?
Do you turn the other cheek?
Oh, calamity
It's such a shame that we play strangers
No act to change what we've become
Damn, it's such a shame that we play strangers
No act to change what we've become
Damn, it's such a shame that we've built a wreck out of me
Oh, calamity
Oh, calamity
Oh, calamity
Come back to me

I didn't realize I was crying, until I saw a tear drop onto the paper, in my lap.
I never cry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Man up, Alex. You did this. You're the one who ruined everything.
I wiped the tears from my eyes, and continued staring down at the paper with sadness.
I started thinking about what Jack and Jane told me. Should I talk to her? Should I end things with Lisa?
What the fuck do I do??
I fell back onto my bed, and covered my face with my hands.
Looks like I wasn't going to sleep, after all.

Notes

I'm sorry, this is a lame chapter that took me like 3 days to write bc I'm lame..hey.

Oh my gosh I have been in the worst mood ever, lately. Just a bunch of anxiety probs, really. I feel like such a bother and I'm getting all this self consciousness and I keep nervously stuttering when I talk and I'm so boring and just ugh.
And has anyone heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Yeah, I think I have that. There's a possibility, at least. Isn't that just fantastic? Depression all through Fall and Winter, yay.
I'd elaborate more on the shitty-ness of my week, but I feel like I'm being really annoying and I need you guys to stay with me so I'm sorry I'll update more often and I won't annoy you all with my dumb problems okie x)
You guys literally cheer me up so much with your comments like I just love you people..making me laugh and shit xD <3

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Forever- Papa Roach