Kiss Me Again

I hate life.
I hate everything, right now.
I think I always will.
It was just that one fucking mistake I made, and now everything's a complete tragedy.
I don't talk to anyone, I don't eat, I hardly ever get any sleep, and all I can really do is cry and think.
And in the distressed state I'm in, thinking is one of the most scariest things I can do. My thoughts are too loud..I-I just want to shut them off, but I can't.
I know I sound fucking crazy, but this is how I feel. I just wish that I could stop thinking.
All of my thoughts revolve around him. How we used to be, and how we are now. How I destroyed what we had, and how I can't have it back.
Then, that leads to the negative thoughts about myself.
Like how I was too ugly for him anyway, and how I'm too fat for him to ever like me again, and how I'm just a shitty, worthless person who doesn't even deserve him.
I can't fucking take it.
I sat down on the edge of my bed, and opened the drawer of my bedside table, pulling out three photographs.
They were Polaroid pictures of me and Alex, when we were on our weekend vacation at the beach, for my birthday.
I remember we were taking a little tour around the beach house, when we found a bunch of cool cameras in a box.
"Whoa! They have a Polaroid, let's take some pictures with it!" Alex beamed, picking up the camera.
"Alex! Are you sure we're even allowed to use these??" I looked around the room, unsurely.
"Aw, come on! Just a few pictures, pleeaasse!"
"I don't know, Alex..."
"Please, baby...just a few." He begged, leaning down to kiss my shoulder.
"Oh you persuading, son of a bitch." I laughed, nudging him on the arm.
"I'm taking that as a yes! Woo!! Okay, come here!" He lifted the camera up, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. We both smiled, as the camera flashed; the picture coming out soon after.
"That's perfect, let's take more."
"Alright."
We took six selfies, with all different poses. We decided to split them up, so that he gets three, and I get three.
There were so many to choose from, but I ended up with one of us kissing, one of us with me kissing his cheek, and my favorite one, that we both fought over; it was one of me with my head on his shoulder, struggling to keep a straight face, because of the silly faces he was making.
"Okay, I want this one." I stated, pointing at the picture.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course I'm sure!" I laughed, giving him a puzzled look.
"Well maybe you shouldn't take that one.." He smirked.
"And why not?" I smirked back, crossing my arms and raising my eyebrow at him.
"Because I want that one!!"
"Urrgh..Alex!!"
"But you look so cute and giggly and I just wanna tape it to my bedroom wall and kiss it everyday like a teenage girl!" He chuckled, causing me to roll my eyes and blush.
"Aleeeexxx...noooo! Let me have it!" I pouted.
"No, you let ME have it!" He laughed.
I rolled my eyes, and crawled into his lap, straddling him.
"Let me have it." I whispered, my lips not even an inch away from his.
"Being sexy isn't gonna work.." Alex smirked.
"Fine!" I held my hands up in surrender, and started getting off of him, when he wrapped his arms around me.
"Wait wait wait! Maybe we could work something out.." He smirked, causing me to giggle.
"So I get the picture?"
"Sure. Now what do I get?"
I grinned in victory, before attaching my lips to his; both of us smiling into the kiss.
I pulled away for a second, to grin at him once more.
"You get me. For the rest of your fucking life."
"Sounds fair." He chuckled again, before reattaching our lips once more.

I sat there, holding the picture in my hand; a few tears rolling down my cheeks from the memory.
We looked so happy.
I sighed, and returned the broken memories back into the drawer, then collapsed back on my bed, in sadness.
I laid there and tortured myself by thinking even more, until I heard an unexpected knock at the door.
I wondered who it could be, but went downstairs to answer it, anyway.
Who I saw, made me wanna slam the door shut.
"Tay?! Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you in forever!!" Jenna squealed, holding out her arms for me to hug, which I quickly rejected.
She awkwardly put her arms back down to her side, and cleared her throat.
"Can I...come in?"
"No." I simply stated, giving her the most coldest glare I could.
"Tay, please..I-I need to talk to you..we need to talk."
"No, Jenna. You could have 'talked' to me, three months ago. But instead, you paid more attention to the guy I once loved, who broke my heart. And you lied to me about it. So no, Jenna..we don't have anything to talk about. Goodbye."
Just as I was about to shut the door, she blocked it with her hand and foot.
"Tay, please. Please let me come in. I came here all the way from Poughkeepsie, to talk to you. I'm really fucking sorry, please talk to me." She begged; her Aussie accent shining through.
I looked behind her, and at the black car in the driveway.
"That's not your car..who even brought you here?"
"Oh, um..Oli and his parents were coming here for a family member's wedding, and I thought I'd come with them, and see you-"
"Wait..so you mean to tell me, that you came here with OLI?!" I began to heat up with anger.
"W-well..yeah, I mean..I told him to just stay in the car, so.."
"Why are you speaking to him in the first place?? I thought you two broke up!"
"Well..uh..we..g-got back..together?" Jenna shrunk at my every word, preparing for the fury I was about to strike at her.
"BACK TOGETHER?? DAMMIT, JENNA! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?! HE'S AN ASSWIPE!"
Jenna looked a bit offended at my words.
"Excuse me?? I LOVE Oli, okay? He was there for me while I was crying my fucking eyes out, because my BEST FRIEND got mad at me, and completely CUT ME OUT FROM HER LIFE!!" Jenna yelled; her eyes filling up with tears.
"Oh fuck you, Jenna! Don't you make ME sound like the terrible best friend, here!! You knew EVERYTHING!! You KNEW about my problems, and you KNEW about how guys would treat me, and you KNEW how I felt about Oli! How happy he made me..how I was in love with him. And how upset I was when he broke my heart. But then once I leave the fucking STATE, you go and..and form some fucking relationship with him, behind my BACK!! And then you hid it from me, and lied through your fucking teeth about it, every single day."
"Tay.." Jenna pleaded, getting choked up, with tears streaming down her face; as were mine.
"I'm sorry Jenna, but that's just not how best friends treat each other."
We both stood in silence for a moment, except for our constant sniffling.
"Tay..I just wanted to say that I was sorry. And you looked really upset when you first answered the door, are you okay?" Jenna started, attempting to somehow heal our friendship, by acting concerned.
"I'm far from it. But I really don't want your fucking pity, so.." I snapped, glaring at her.
"Geez, okay. I was just trying to help, you don't have to be such a bitch about it." Jenna muttered, giving me a look, that ignited a flame of anger inside me.
"Oh sure, I'M the bitch here..because I would totally pretend to be your best friend who you can tell everything to, but then I'll start lying to you, and dating your boyfriend who broke your heart, literally RIGHT AFTER you leave town. Cause that's just the kind of person I am." I rolled my eyes.
"Oh my gosh!! I know what you're problem is..you're JEALOUS! Aren't you, Taylor? You're jealous that Oli could drop you so quickly for ME! What? Did Alex not work out for you, after all??" She snickered, trying her best to insult me, and make me feel awful.
It was working.
"Don't mention his name, please. And no, I'd never be jealous of a backstabbing bitch like y-"
"Ooh!! So you guys must have hit it off, huh? But not for long, right? Did Alex leave you too? You know what would be funny? If he left you for...another girl. That would be such a coincidence, huh?"
It was a struggle to stop the tears from falling. If only she knew how much her words were affecting me.
Oh wait, she does.
I shook my head furiously, just trying to somehow shake her evil words away from my brain.
"J-Jenna...I hate you..so fucking much." My breathing started to pick up a lot, and we both knew what was happening.
A panic attack.
"Whoa! Hey! Tay, no, calm down, I'm sorry!! I didn't mean that! Relax! Breathe!!" She yelled in alarm, holding my arms, and trying to coach my breathing.
I heard a car door shut.
I began hyperventilating, and sweating like crazy. Tears were steadily pouring out of my eyes, as I struggled to stop the frightening episode.
"Whoa! Tay!! Are you alright?!"
I looked up to see Oli standing in front of us, with a concerned look on his face.
I couldn't respond, I was trying to focus on my breathing at the moment.
"Come on, Tay. In...and out. In...and out. You're okay. You're gonna be okay." Jenna continued to coach, knowing what to do to help me on these rare occasions that I get so worked up, I panic.
It only lasted a few more minutes, before my breathing returned back to normal.
"Oh my gosh!" Jenna sighed with relief, pulling me into a hug, which I did not return.
She noticed, and pulled away, giving me a taken aback look.
"Tay?"
I took a deep breath, and looked up at the two of them.
"Could you guys please leave now?" I whispered, feeling both exhausted and embarrassed, that I let her words get to me like that.
"Are you fucking kidding me?? We just saved your life!" Oli yelled, in disbelief.
"It was an anxiety attack, I would've survived either way.." I said bitterly, remembering that THEY were the ones who caused it.
"Gee, wow. You know what? Whatever. We'll just go. But you know what, Tay? I actually thought..I had the tiniest bit of hope, that you'd be happy for us." Jenna glared at me, shaking her head.
"Well sorry to disappoint. And you shouldn't feel so important just because you have Oli, now. I mean, he did the same to you, as he did to me!" I fought for the last word, remembering how he came onto me on Valentines day, after he broke up with Jenna.
"What are you talking abo-"
"Nothing. She's not talking about anything." Oli quickly saved himself, giving me a warning glare, before wrapping his arm around her waist, and walking her towards his car.
"Come on, Jenna."
After that, I watched them drive away, down the street, and off into the distance.
I slowly turned around, walked back into my house, and slammed the door shut.
The tears began to flood my eyes once again, and I felt myself getting all worked up.
I ran upstairs, and into my bathroom, where I swung open the cabinet, and made a mess, in search of what I needed.
I finally found it, and I clenched it tight in my hand. My razor.
I pushed my sleeve back, and immediately started sliding the metal against my wrist, underneath my other cuts, which were now in the process of healing.
I created two cuts, and felt a bit of a rush from seeing the blood.
I deserve this.
I deserve everything that has happened to me.
They left me for a reason.
They all left me.
I'm nothing special.
I am nothing.
I'm a nobody.
No one even fucking cares about me!
If every living thing dies alone, what am I doing here?
I am a literal, waste of space.
My thoughts were out of control.
I rolled up my other sleeve, and compared my wrists. My right arm was completely clean. I didn't like it. My upsetting thoughts were overtaking me, and I told myself that I needed this.
I took the blade into my left hand, and began carving letters into my right wrist. My face contorted into pain, as I dug the blade a bit deeper.
I didn't realize what I had spelled, until I dropped the razor at my feet, and stared in shock of what I had done.
I began to cry once again, as I watched the letters bleed red.
ALEX
Shit.
I'm hopeless.

Notes

Would've posted this earlier but ayee writer's block wassup.

So..Alex was annoying everyone and pissing them off, so I switched over to Tay..and now you're sad woops.
IT WON'T BE THIS WAY FOREVER THOUGH. I'M LITERALLY UPSETTING MYSELF WRITING THIS BREAKUP LIKE UGH GOSH WHY AM I DOING THIS I'M SO EVIL xD

I fucking love you guys like I love Zack's butt, okay. <3
Thanks! :)

Title cred: Lonely Girl- Tonight Alive