"I don't care what anybody says, okay? You are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful. And let me tell you, there is no view more beautiful than those brown eyes of yours, not even this lake!"
My eyes filled up with tears at his words. My emotions were all over the place today.
"So..you pretty much just brought me here to make a metaphor out of me?" I giggled, tears starting to fall.
He took my left wrist gently in his hand, and pinched the end of the sleeve, then looked up to me as if to ask for permission.
I nodded, and he pulled the sleeve back, and ghostly brushed the marks with the tip of his finger.
"Does that hurt?"
I shook my head no, and the next thing I knew, he was leaned down, pressing soft little kisses all down my arm, causing my eyes to match the waterfall behind us.
When he was done, he took a stray stick from beside him, and started writing in the patch of soil in front of us.
~A+T FOREVER~
I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled, as he wiped tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.
"You're so beautiful, Taylor." He whispered, smiling back at me.
"And you're just too goddamn cute, Alexander."
My eyes shot open, as I quickly awoke from my dream. I quickly turned in my bed to check if he was lying next to me, and if the breakup was all a dream, itself.
But he wasn't there, and the breakup was not a dream. It's more like a very real nightmare that plays in my head over and over again. It keeps me up every night, and then once I fall asleep, I just dream about me and Alex. Then, I wake up extremely early every morning because of it, and I can't fall back asleep. So I'm stuck with my resentful, overbearing thoughts, for the next hour and a half.
It's been three weeks since I've last spoken to Alex. The scene vividly replays in my head every second of the fucking day. I remember the last thing he said to me, and the look of pure anger and sadness mixed into his beautiful, brown orbs when he said it.
"Honestly, nothing could ever hurt more than you."
I soon felt my eyes filling up with tears, once AGAIN, as I laid there in bed, clutching the sheets tightly in my palms.
All I've really done, is cry. My life has been absolutely awful without Alex in it. I'm not even exaggerating..not one bit.
I had to move back into my old house, with Barbara. I walked in with all my bags, to see the house a complete and utter mess. The whole house practically reeked of alcohol. But, she still sat at her normal spot at the table, a bottle of whiskey clutched in her hand.
She looked up at me, and gave me a sickly, drunken smile.
"Welcome back, bitch. I knew you two wouldn't last long..I kneeww he'd get tired of your fat ass, eventually! Can't say I didn't fucking warn you, little Tay-Tay!" She threw her head back and laughed at me, as I shamefully walked past her, and up to my room.
I cried my heart out that day. I just began to feel really alone and empty inside.
Now, the loneliness has completely eaten me up inside, and swallowed me into a deep, dark hole of endless tears and heartache, that I just cannot escape.
I thought I was doing the right thing, by breaking up with him. I thought I'd be doing us both a favor. He wouldn't have to feel torn between me and Lisa anymore, and I wouldn't have to compete with her, and feel hurt whenever she was all over him. It was a win-win. But now, it's a lose-lose. Or maybe just a win-lose. He's probably fine, he's over it, he's got his life together. People as beautiful as Alex, don't stay single. And they don't have to suffer through bad times, alone. He'll always have friends, along with plenty of girls ready to take his heart.
And I'm damn sure they'll take better care of it, than I did. I was a lousy, fat, ugly girlfriend. A burden to him. He deserves someone like Lisa.
This is exactly what I told myself, every single time I saw her throw herself all over him. It stung.. it hurt so bad.
I've been with plenty of guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, and just plain out, stabbed me in the back. I have plenty of trust issues about that. It just hurts to know how many times I'd been replaced before, and I didn't want that to happen with Alex. Because if it had, I'd be so hurt and depressed, that I don't know what I'd do. When I saw them kiss, it literally broke my heart, and I knew what I'd have to do. And that broke my heart even more, if possible.
I just have a huge fear of being forgotten about, and rejected for another person. I know I'm nothing special, and that's why I was so sure that she was going to end up getting what she wanted.
I mean, it's obvious that she's prettier than me, and more flirtatious, more popular...she's pretty much perfect for Alex. I'm not.
Maybe if I had the guts to tell him all of this, then maybe he would understand why I freaked out, and maniacally accused him of cheating. Maybe he'd understand what the "big deal" was. Maybe he'd know how much I regret that night. Maybe he'd realize how much I'm in love with him...
There.
I admit it.
I'm in love with Alex fucking Gaskarth.
And I couldn't even say it when we were together.
Way to go, Tay.
You know what? I can't live like this any longer. I'm not just gonna sit around and cry over it. I need him in my life, I need him back. I made a HUGE mistake by breaking up with him. I was upset, I wasn't thinking. I miss him.
I love him.
I need to tell him that. I need him to know how I feel. Maybe it might not work, and maybe we'll never be like we were before. Maybe I'll never get the pleasure of being wrapped in his arms ever again, but all I know is that if this is my last chance, I need him to know.
I need to tell him that I love him. He had been waiting so long for me to say that, but I never did. It's bad that it took us breaking up for me to finally realize it, but I just can't deny it anymore. Love. It's there. And it's fucking ripping me apart.

When I got out of bed and got ready, I just threw on a large black hoodie, a pair of black leggings, and my black Vans. I didn't care how warm it was outside. Not like anything could possibly warm my cold, lifeless soul.
I walked downstairs, and walked past a drunk Barbara (how surprising), and managed to leave the house, trying desperately hard to ignore her mean comments. I skipped breakfast.
Things were back to exactly how they were before I started dating Alex, and I hated every single second of it.
I drove to school with no other thought on my mind, but Alex. I just wanted to see him. To talk to him. To hug him. To smell him. To kiss him. I just wanted him.
I didn't care about the fact that no one has really talked to me lately, other than Hayley. It didn't matter that I've been sitting at a completely different table at lunch, and Hayley only sits with me on some days, because she also likes to sit with Jack, and Jack won't talk to me.
It didn't matter that everything is falling apart..because I know that being with Alex can piece it all back together. I was determined all morning to fix what I had broken. To admit to my mistakes, and bring my only light, back into my life.

I didn't see Alex in the halls when I arrived. Instead,I just went straight to homeroom, and tried not to shake; as my nerves were getting the best of me.
I worried myself sick about talking to him.
What was I going to say?
What if he doesn't accept my apology?
Will I have to live with this emptiness forever?
Dammit, I miss him.
I just kept my head on the desk all through homeroom, feeling Hayley's hand rub my back, trying to comfort me.
Getting through my next class was even harder, knowing that Jack and Zack sat next to me, and weren't going to speak to me and joke around, like usual. And aside from that, it was the class right before the one I have with Alex!
When time came for algebra, I stopped and took a deep breath before entering the classroom.
I might as well get it over with while I'm here.
I walked in, and saw him sitting in his seat, staring at the desk to make sure he doesn't risk his eyes wandering over to me. I took another deep breath, before I went over to my seat and sat down.
I instantly just felt the awkward tension rising between us as class started. I wish I could still just pass him flirty little notes, and smile at him, and laugh at his goofy jokes and funny faces, while the teacher was talking. And I missed the way he would look when he would start working..it was just so cute to see how engrossed he was in his work, and how he would occasionally look up in thought when solving the problems.
I just wish that it was still acceptable to admire him again.
It was, when he was my boyfriend.
When the teacher left us to solve a problem on our own, I decided to make my move.
"Um.. A-Alex?" I whispered out of nervousness.
His brows furrowed, as he slowly looked over to me, making sure that I was actually talking, and he wasn't just hearing things.
"What?" He whispered harshly.
I scanned my eyes over his face in shock. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair looked mangled underneath his beanie. He looked grouchy, and like he hadn't slept in three days.
"Well...what the fuck is it?" He snapped once again out of impatience, since I wasn't saying anything.
"I..uh..I-I wanted to..talk t-to you.." I mentally slapped myself for stuttering so fucking much.
I was just nervous about what his answer would be. And I sure did have a right to be, judging my the infuriated look on his face.
"What more could you possibly wanna say to me, Tay??" He said, much louder than a whisper.
"Alex, I-"
"Save it. The last time you spoke to me, it hurt like hell, so do me a favor, and don't say shit to me anymore..alright?" He snapped, causing people to turn around in their seats to look at us.
I was speechless at his words. It hurt to know how cold he was being to me. I just never imagined that he'd ever be this way towards me. But hey, this is my fault, right?
"Alexander, we do not use that language in this classroom, and you know it! So there is a detention for you during lunch today, Mr. Gaskarth!" Our teacher snapped, glaring at him.
He looked mad as hell.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING BLAME HER, HUH?" Alex exploded, pointing to me.
"Mr. Gaskarth!! You will not speak to me that way, and you will not blame your dumb actions on people other than yourself!!" She warned him, crossing her arms.
"YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE!! HOW AM I DUMB? YOU'RE THE DUMB ONE, IF YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO SIT ME NEXT TO HER! SHE'S THE DISTRACTING ONE!"
Oh no.
This is all my fault.
And he's blaming me..he's actually BLAMING me!!
I mean, I deserve it, but still..
Have I lost him completely?
"ALEXANDER THAT IS ENOUGH!! YOU NOW HAVE TWO DETENTIONS, AND I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU OUTSIDE, RIGHT..NOW!!" The teacher yelled, pointing him to the door.
He angrily pushed his desk when scooting his chair backwards, before he got up and stomped out of the classroom, muttering angry curses as he walked out the door.
After that, all eyes fell on me, shocked and questioningly. I heard plenty of whispers, saying things like:
"Oh yeah, they broke up."
"It was probably about Lisa.."
"I heard that Lisa stole him from her at the showcase."
"She probably hurt him, that bitch."
Bitch.
I am a bitch.
And now I am a crying bitch.
This day has been absolutely awful.

After he was called out of the classroom, he never came back in. He must've been sent to detention for the second half of the day.
Lunch was uneventful; I sat at my small table alone, sadly watching them all laugh and have a fun time together. I was alone and depressed. I lost everything I loved, because I made the stupid mistake of tearing apart the one thing I loved the most.
Me and Alex.
Alex and I.
Us.
It was just us against the world.
But now, there is no us.
Now its just me, and my terrible thoughts.
The cafeteria was so loud, filled with voices all around. But I couldn't hear anything other than my sad and anxious thoughts, along with the ferocious growling of my stomach. I hadn't eaten at all, today.

The rest of the day went by slowly and painfully, even though he wasn't in any of the classes. I had to walk past the detention room, in order to get to my locker.
So it didn't exactly catch me by surprise, when I bumped into Alex as he was walking out of the door.
We both stopped walking, and just looked at anything but each other, awkwardly and nervously.
"H-hey.." I started, glancing up at him for a second.
"Hey.." He answered, before quickly looking away, as if he were ashamed.
It was quiet for a moment.
"Hey, um..I want you to know that I'm sorry for blowing up on you earlier.." He spoke, giving me an apologetic look.
"Oh, I'm sorry, too!"
"Wait..what are you sorry about?" He gave me a puzzled look.
I took a deep breath, and began fidgeting with my hands.
"A-about..everything."
He blinked at me.
I began talking again.
"Alex..I know that it's my fault, and I sound pathetic, but I'm really sorry that we ended up this way..this is seriously the last thing that I wanted to happen."
"It didn't have to happen..but it did. And I'm sorry, but there's no one else to blame for that." He shrugged, looking down at the floor.
"Alex please don't stand here and act like you don't care, just please." I begged with a hint of desperation in my voice, as I looked up at him, wanting desperately for him to meet his brown orbs with mine.
"Whatever.." He shrugged again, in an even softer tone.
I sighed and stared in disbelief.
"Come on... You said that nothing could ever ruin us, Alex! What happened to that?"
He finally looked up, and connected his eyes with mine.
"You ruined us."
The words hit me like a freight train, nearly knocking me off my feet.
But nothing hurt more than what I witnessed next.
Just then, Lisa came walking around the corner, before squealing and running into Alex's arms, when she spotted him.
"Alex!! I missed you today, in music! Where were you, babe?" She excitedly asked, with her arms still wrapped around his neck.
"Sorry, I had detention, babe." He answered her, with a smirk.
Wait...BABE?!
"Oh no! Really? You're a naughty boy, huh?" She giggled, tapping his nose with her finger.
He just winked in response, before leaning down, and giving her a kiss.
No.
No no no no no.
Is this some kind of sick joke?
This isn't happening to me.
What's happening in front of me cannot be real.
This is a fucking nightmare.
They soon pulled apart, and Lisa turned around and pretended as if she hadn't noticed me.
"Oh hey, Tay! Didn't see ya there!" She sickly grinned at the shock on my face, as I turned back to look at Alex, who was now looking back at the ground.
"Alex...no...it isn't true, right? Alex, I need you, please don't let this be real.." I whispered, quietly pleading him, as tears filled up in my eyes.
"I think you're a little to late for that, now." He said looking up into my eyes once again, as Lisa threw her head back in laughter.
"Come on, babe! Let's go to my place! Parents aren't home!" She winked at him, linking her arm into his, and turning them around into the other direction.
"But I love you.."I whispered hopelessly, as a tear rolled down my cheek.
I think Alex might've heard it, though, because he stopped walking, and turned around in disbelief.
"W-what? What did you say?" He asked, both hope and disbelief evident on his face.
"Babe, hush. It doesn't matter what she said. Come on." Lisa said a little more sternly, and pulled his arm into the other direction.
His gaze stayed on me for a bit longer, before he eventually turned around, and continued walking with Lisa.
His new girlfriend.
My world is officially shattered.
My heart is shattered.
My life has ended before my eyes, yet somehow I am still breathing.
He's gone.
And I'm not sure I'll ever be okay with that.
I crave release.

Notes

Bad chapter..sorry.
I understand your unhappy feels bc I'm not having as much fun writing this breakup stuff as I thought I would...*sigh*
But whatevs, still ain't fixin' it :P

Lol that moment when you get so bored that you start reading your own story xP
No one's really been online this week, we all have lives now oh nooo x)

So hey, I had an encounter with police at the mall, today. I was walking with a group of friends along with some of their friends that I didn't really know, and the police stopped us and started accusing their friends of doing stupid shit idk, they didn't even look at me at all, though; I just awkwardly stood there. Me and my friends had nothing to do with it but I was still scared for my life, I was gonna cry omg Dx
But everything's cool, we just left with a warning is all (:
DOES THIS MAKE ME A JUVENILE DELINQUENT xD

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Stay- Mayday Parade