"I just don't wanna do this anymore, Alex."
Those awful, dreadful, damned words spun at the back of my mind, nonstop. It made me crazy. It made me wanna break shit. I just wanted to everything to match my fucked up heart.
On that night, two weeks ago, was definitely the worst night of my life.
We would've been together three months, today. I would've probably done something cute for her on this day. Like, bought her flowers, and we could've watched movies and cuddled, and ate ice cream (vanilla with sprinkles, because that's her favorite), and we could've joked around, and kissed, and...
Fuck.
Get it together, Alex. That's over now.
I want to rip my fucking hair out.
My girlfriend of almost three months, the only girl I've ever loved, broke up with me. Yet, I feel so alone and heartbroken as if she were dead.
But she might as well be dead to me.
I can't help but feel anger towards her for doing this to us. For doing this to me. For ending something so perfect, and so beautiful, because of ONE person who sort of got in the way.
It's not fucking fair. Obviously, we must've meant nothing to her, or at least we just didn't mean as much to her as we did to me.
Because if we did mean anything to her at all, she wouldn't have given up on us so easily. She wouldn't have regretted anything. She wouldn't have looked me dead in the eye, and said that shit to me.
"I just don't wanna do this anymore, Alex."
I groaned as I dragged myself out of my bed, which I had been laying in every chance I got since IT happened.
I needed to wash the sheets or something..they kinda smelled like her. Like her shampoo, and her cinnamon perfume, and just..her. It would always smell like heaven to me. That's the only word I could ever think to describe it.
But now, it smells like hell. Like a large, mocking, fragrance that wants to build up in a large cloud of smoke, and suffocate me to my death.
That's kind of what it felt like to lose her. Like I had lost my life. My whole being. I wanted desperately for her to take it back.
You'd think I'd be fighting for her. You'd think that I'd leave her a shit ton of voicemails, and desperate text messages, begging for her to come back to me.
But I'm not. She made it clear to me what she wants. I can't help but think that maybe she's better off without me.
The way she was breaking down that night, broke my heart itself. I had hurt her.
I hurt her a lot, and she deserves someone better. Or maybe I deserve someone better. But who could possibly be better than her??
I huffed as I sat at my small desk in my room, and wrote lyrics to help myself calm down. But I just found myself writing a bunch of nonsense about her.

The draw so well, it hurts to know you're gone, you're gone, you're gone
Did you mean it? Could you feel it when you broke into my head?

I really just wish she hadn't have done this to me. She won't get out of my fucking head, and I can't help but think that she's probably not even thinking of me at all! She doesn't care about me, she never did! Cause if she did, then she wouldn't have turned me into a fucking wreck like this! SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS TO ME!!

That girl, that girl, she's such a bitch..

Suddenly, my phone rang from beside me, causing me to over dramatically groan, and hiss at the ringing phone. I was really no longer a fan of human interaction. Since IT happened, I've been keeping to myself. My friends have been trying to get me to lighten up, but it just won't happen. And even though I sit right next to her in algebra, I haven't even glanced her way.
I stared at the still-ringing phone, debating on whether to pick it up or not.
I eventually gave in, and snatched my phone off of the table, glancing at the name (Jack) before answering it.
"What." I snapped.
"Whoa! Geez, hello to you too, best friend." Jack said sarcastically into the phone.
"What do you want, Jack?" I sighed, getting annoyed easily, with my irritable state.
"There's a party tonight, and I want you to come with me."
"Bye."
"NO WAIT!" Jack stopped me, just before I was about to click the END CALL button.
"What?"
"Please, Alex? Come on man, you barely even talk to us anymore. Just come on, go to the party! There will be alcohol, and chicks..I mean, I'M off limits for the chicks part, but.."
"Jack, what the fuck?? How in the hell could you possibly expect me to go out and party and check out girls, after what happened, just two weeks ago?!"
"Ugh, come on, dude. Lighten up a little. You can't just stay locked in your room all day."
"And why can't I?"
"Because, it's fucking unhealthy!! Listen, you can't just sit around and mope about Tay-"
I groaned and physically winced at the sound of her name.
"...Sorry. Anyways, as I was saying.. You can't just be all depressed about it for the rest of your life! You've gotta move on, man! Don't let it all destroy you!"
I thought about it for a moment.
"Move on."
When he says it, it sounds so easy. But it sounds to me, like the hardest challenge I could ever face.
Moving on from Tay, is fucking difficult. How do you just fall out of love with someone? How could you possibly move on after all that?
I guess all good things must come to an end..
"Hello???" Jack yelled through the phone, breaking my thoughts.
"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm still here."
"Okay well..you're going. Don't be such a vampire. You're leaving your little cave, and you're coming with us. You're hanging out with your boys. And you're going, even if I have to come to your house and drag you there myself." Jack sternly said, with a warning tone.
"No no no..I can get ready by myself.." I inwardly groaned, angry that I was actually going with this.
"Good! We'll be there to pick you up at 8."
And with that, be hung up the phone, not allowing me to cancel or take it back.
I deeply sighed, and got up, dragging myself into the bathroom.
I looked in the mirror, and sighed again, at my eternally distressed expression on my face. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was all over the place, not that I was surprised, nor cared. I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and I never bother to even try doing anything to my hair.
I had no reason to. I couldn't impress her anymore, and I don't have anyone else I care enough to impress. Not strangers, not my friends, and most definitely not my father anymore. She helped me see past that. I still remember all the things she said to help me.

"I bet he wasn't such an asshole before my mom died, though...but that's my fault. He blames me for it. Even I blame myself for it. I'm the reason for everyone's pain." I told her sadly about my dad, as I drove in anger that night.
She gasped, and gave me both a sad and shocked look.
"Alex...Alex baby, no. That's not your fault. It really isn't. Please don't blame yourself for that, it's not true. He's delusional. He only cares about himself, he doesn't know anything..heck, he hardly even knows you. But I know you, Alex. And I'm glad you were born."
I didn't say anything more on the subject. I just mumbled a 'thank you', to her. Little did she know, that her words actually opened up my eyes. She's helped me so much, and she doesn't even know it.
She'll never know now, I guess.
I rolled my eyes at my reflection, and got into the shower.

Once I finished showering, I looked in my closet for something to wear. I haven't really cared much about my clothing lately..really, I'm just fine with a hoodie, an old t-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants.
But, I decided to make at least a bit of an effort to look nice at the party.
I looked in search of some jeans, and came across my pair of black American flag jeans. I loved these jeans. I was going to put them on, when I remembered.
She bought me these.
I quickly dropped the jeans, and threw on some old black ones, and a black Glamour Kills shirt. Then, I covered my extremely messy locks with a beanie, and went downstairs, just in time to see the guys pull up in Zack's ride.
I got in, forcing a tiny little smile at my incredibly happy-looking friends.
"Well look who's finally out of the cave!" Zack joked, grinning at me.
"Damn man, you look like death." Rian raised his eyebrows at my tired/stressed out face.
"Okay guys, cut the criticism. We don't wanna scare him off again!" Jack nudged me in the arm, playfully.
I just sighed, and stared out the window the whole ride there, in silence. I knew that they were just trying to cheer me up and all, but I just wasn't in the mood for anything, really.
Soon, we got to the party, and Zack put the van in park.
"WOO HOO! GET READY TO PARRRTY!!" Jack yelled excitedly, jumping out of the van, and pulling me out with him.
I inwardly sighed, as I looked up at the house, blasting with music.
Well, here we go.
We walked into the house, and I was instantly greeted by a bunch of people from school, along with just some people who knew me from other parties.
They all seemed pretty happy to see me, and a few girls kept trying to dance with me, but I would just monotonously say hello, then made my way to the kitchen.
I guess I'm usually the 'life of the party', but I think that side of me has died out. I was an entertainer, and a people pleaser. I had dreams, I was happy. But she killed that side of me.
I stood near the kitchen, and just watched the people around me. The drunk, happy, dancing people. Friends, sluts, and happy couples. How dare they all mock me.
You know what? She did this to me.
She's probably happy, just like them!
Fuck her! I deserve to have some fun, too!
I huffed, and walked over to the kitchen, my eyes scanning over all the red cups.
My mouth turned up into a sickly grin, as I picked up a drink, and downed it all in one go.
I figured that I might as well just drink to get through this night. I can be as reckless as I want to be. She's not here to stop me, anymore.
I grabbed another drink, then went back into the area where people were dancing.
I took a gulp of my drink, then grinned as a cute blonde turned around, and began grinding her ass on me.
In my drunken state, I was horny, and happy, and I didn't care about anything. I continued dancing with the blonde a while longer, before I just slapped her ass in thanks, then moved on to the next slut to come my way.
This cycle was fun, until my skinny jeans started getting a little too tight, and it became uncomfortable to move. I needed to take care of the problem in my pants, and with all the girls around, you'd think I'd just take one upstairs. But I just didn't want to sleep with any of them. It just felt wrong.
I tried to maneuver my way out of the crowd of sweaty bodies, until I was by a staircase. I tried to take another step towards it, but in my intoxicated state, I almost fell over, and probably would've, if it wasn't for the two hands holding my arm up.
I turned in confusion, to see Lisa, smiling up at me, wearing a tight crop top, and some little tight skirt.
"Hey, Lexxy!" She winked at me.
"H-hey, Lisaaa!" I slurred, smiling at her.
"Well don't you look sexy.." She flirted, playing with the sleeve of my shirt.
"Oh, do I?" I smirked, flirting back with her.
She can't stop me. She doesn't matter anymore.
Lisa giggled, and flipped her long hair over her shoulder.
I grinned at her cute giggle.
How cute, almost like T- wait, no. Stop it. She's not here anymore.
"Wanna dance with me?" I bit my lip suggestively.
She grinned and nodded, following after me onto the dance floor.
Once we grinded to about two songs, she turned around to face me, and put her arms around me, before leaning in to kiss me.
I kissed her back, not having a care in the world. I felt her smile into the kiss.
Then, she pulled back, then leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"What do you say we go upstairs, Lexxy?" She purred seductively.
My eyes widened, in realization of what she was suggesting. I instantly felt torn.
I couldn't possibly do that, what about Tay?
I'd never cheat on-
Wait..oh, right.
She isn't my girlfriend anymore.
I'm single.
And I have an uncomfortable boner.
Maybe I should.
No, I will.
I just turned my head a little, and kissed her neck in response.
She giggled some more, then took my hand, and dragged me upstairs, and into a bedroom.

I woke up with a pounding headache. As I slowly opened my eyes and squinted, I realized that this was not my bedroom.
I didn't know where I was.
I tried to recall the events of last night. I just remember the guys dragging me to some party, and then I started drinking, then I MIGHT'VE danced a little, then....
Wait.
My eyes widened, as I slowly turned my throbbing head to the right, to see Lisa, sleeping next to me. She had the sheets covering her body, but from her exposed shoulder and hint of cleavage, I could tell that she was naked.
Then, I realized that I too, was naked.
No way.
No fucking way.
I was shocked at the fact that I had slept with the girl who ruined my relationship with the girl that I was in love with.
The girl who my (ex) girlfriend threw us all away because of.
She'd be so pissed if she found out about this.
But you know what? I shouldn't care if she's pissed or not.
SHE hurt ME.
SHE broke up with ME.
Maybe Lisa won't be so bad after all..
She's been wanting me for a long time now, maybe I should give her a chance...
She began stirring in her sleep, and her eyelids fluttered open soon after.
She locked eyes with me, and broke out into a huge grin.
"Hey there, Lexxy."
I smiled back.
"Hi."
Then, I leaned in, and kissed her lips.
"Oh! That took me by surprise!" She giggled.
"What? You don't like surprises?" I smirked, raising my eyebrow.
"Well I sure do like those!" She giggled again, then crawled on top of me, and connected our lips once again.
Our lips moved in sync, and I wrapped my arms around her waist.
I continued to kiss her, but I can't deny how wrong it felt. I didn't get butterflies in my stomach, I didn't feel any spark, it just felt like any ordinary kiss. Nothing special about it.
It felt like kissing all my other exes, before I met Tay.
I don't love Lisa, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I don't think I'll EVER love again, to be honest.
But, I guess I'll just have to live with it.
Life sucks.

Notes

Lolol what if I just ended it here...
Jk nah..we'll see how Tay's doing in the next chapter!

I wanted to post this yesterday but I couldn't use the computer ughh that pisses me off like DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO WRITE A WHOLE CHAPTER AND THEN YOU CAN'T EVEN POST IT WHEN YOU WANT TO OMG!!!

Anyways.
I'm writing a newww fic!! I submitted it already, but I just haven't posted the first chapter yet. I'm really really excited about writing it, but I'm not even gonna try to until I'm done writing Kiss Me Again, bc I know that with school and my inability to focus on anything, I won't be able to update both stories at once like I'd want to. Speaking of that, I currently have a bunch of schoolwork to do now, so sorry if my updates are slow this week.

PLEASE KEEP COMMENTING YOUR OPINIONS ON WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE STORY BC IT ENTERTAINS ME xD

Thanks! :)

Title cred: The Girl's A Straight Up Hustler- All Time Low