Trigger warning: Self harm

Alex's POV:

I ran the entire way home, I didn't even stop for Rian who ran out the house after me. I just needed some spade. He kissed me! Jack fucking kissed me! I was both happy and pissed off at the same time. Happy because my fucking crush, regardless of what he did, kissed me and I enjoyed it and pissed off, mainly at myself for running away from the situation, but also at Jack for thinking that he can just apologise, kiss me and expect everything to be fucking dandy instantly. Doesn't work like that, Jack.

-

The last time I checked the clock was 11pm...I'd since lost track of time conpletely. As soon as I got home, I ran upstairs, locked my room cried for hours straight. My mum came and knocked on my door at keast three times, asking if I was okay. Obviously not, Mum. I've been sobbing for the past god knows how many hours.

I've done absolutely nothing all night. It had grown dark hours ago and the busy sound of the traffic had dyed out long ago. I was left alone with my thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. It felt so wrong but so right at the same time. I couldn't ignore the fireworks that were filling my brain, let alone the butterflies in my stomach which still hadn't fully gone. I couldn't help but miss the feel of his slightly chapped lips on mine- they fit together perfectly, almost like a puzzle that has been waiting sixteen years to be completed. Cheek still tingled from where Jack had been caressing it with hos thumb. I know I sat there frozen for most of the kiss but it was all just too much to comprehend. Once I pressed my lips back and moved them in sync with his, everything just fell into place. I know it's pretty obvious, if you looked at me, that I was gay but I've always had my doubts. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of the ordinary for me to doubt myself, but I always had this feeling that I was just confused and I'd soon grow out of the phase of finding men attractive. I'd been doubting my sexuality since I was ten. I mean, I was only ten- I had no idea what was going on with me. But today...that kiss...it all confirmed it. I was defnitely gay. It just felt...right. And I fucking ran away. Well done, Alex, run away from any difficult situation. That's all you do! You just run away from your problems. The voice inside my head was right, running away is all I seem to do. And I hate myself for it.

I rolled off my bed, glacing over to the small digital clock on my bedside drawers: 3:29am. Looks like you're not getting any sleep then. I stood up from my bed, my lefs shaking slightly from the building anger. I opened my drawer to my desk and started to root around, looking for my release. I couldn't find it. Where the fuck is it?! Fuck, my mum took my blades away. What am I supposed to do now? My hands started to shake and my head started to spin. I stumbled back over to my phone and shakily popped the back off it. I smiled, proud of myself for remembering that I had hidden a blade there when I was back at my old school...just in case. I held the small piece of metal in my hands. It's funny, really. It's funny how one small piece of metal could do so much damage. How it could easily kill me if I pushed harder. I liked that thought but I could never go through with it. I had my mum to think about. I loved her, I do love her. I can't leave her alone in this world: she's already lost enough. I started to cry, huge tears rolling down my cheeks. I needed this, I deserve it. I held the blade in my hand, still shaking slightly. I couldn't even think straight. I turned my arm over that didn't have the blade. Would I really cut my arm? Where people can see? Fuck it, it's not like anyone would care enough to notice why my hoodie sleeves were pushed down, unlike my usual style of pushing them up to just below my elbows. I positioned the blade just above my wrist and pressed down as I dragged it across my pale skin. It took a while for the familiar spots of blood to collect at te surface but the pain was amazing. I felt so much better. Never had I felt this good after cutting, sick, I know, but still. I repeated the whole process until my whole arm was littered with cuts, I was almost in a trance: the feeling was addictive. I looked down at my arm and gasped. You couldn't see my pale flesh anymore. It was a mess. Blood had ran down my arm and began to dry, leaving rusty red trails behind. My arm was throbbing and I knew that I'd gone too far. I stood from my bed and stumbled to the bathroom, no doubt shaken from the sight before me. I turned on the shower and stripped off as I waited for the water to heat up. I'm such a fucking failure. I stepped into the shower and washed the congealed blood off ny arm- turning the bottom on the shower tray red as the coloured water pooled at my feet.

-

It was now lunch and I relictantly agreed to sit with Rian, Cass, Zack and...him. Jack and I hadn't spoken all day, not even when we were paired up in drama to work on a script. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. Ha, kind of ironic given my situation last night. So far, no one had questioned why I had dark circles below me eyes or why I had the sleeves of my Foo Fighters hoodie pulled over my hands. Well, when I say that no one questioned, I meant that Rian knew exactly what was up but didn't say anything to me about it.
"Alex? Can we talk?" I lifted my head and nodded, following Rian out of the cafeteria. We'd come to a stop at an old fire exit door. Rian looked arlind the corridors, obviously checking for people before pushing the bar down and opening the door. There was an old bench placed against a decaying brick wall and there were weeds starting to grow theough the cracks of the concrete. "This is kind of out secret place. Zack and I found it a few years back. No one ever comes here so we can talk about anything an not be heard. Are you okay, Alex?" You look a bit drained." I can trust Rian, right? I think out if anyone, I trust Rian the most and he did say I could talk to him if I needed.
"Oh. Well, no, not exactly." Rian patted the space next to him on the old bench. I shuffled over and I perched on the edge, my hands fiddling with the cuffs on my hoodie. "I can't stop thinking about last night. He kissed me, Rian! He fucking kissed me! And I ran away from it. I always run from my problems and I hate myself for it. It felt so wrong but it felt so right too." I looked down ar my hands in my lap, a slight red colour painting my cheeks.
"Alex, you don't have to tell me but, did you...ermm, cut?" I looked down again and nodded. I felt Rian wrap a muscular arm around my shoulders and squeezed, he made me feel a lot better.
"Can I see, Alex?" He knew it was on my arms, he's not stupid. I pulled my sleeve up my arm, wincing as the material on my hoodie brushed against my raw cuts. I turned my arm towards Rian and looked in the opposite direction, not wanting to see Rian's reaction. "Jesus fucking christ, Alex. Please don't do this to yourself. You don't deserve it and I know you probably don't want to hear this but Jack wouldn't want you to do this. You're better than this, oka-" Rian was cut off by the bell indicating that lunch was over. "Come on, let's go. Oh and Alex? You're coming over to mine after school...and so is Jack. You two need to sort this out." I groaned but still reluctantly agreed to go. We opened the door as I pulled my sleeve back down and slipped back into the halls and headed off to class.

Notes

Hi,
I hope I haven't triggered anyone, I'm really sorry if I have. You can message me if you need anyone to talk to though, I'm here for you.

Thank you for 2k reads, this is insane.
Em x