You're Good At Smiling.

Jack’s POV

I walked into my apartment, which I previously thought was empty. I learned very fast that it was not. Clothes were thrown all over the living room, and to top it off, I heard moaning and grunts coming from what sounded like my room. Talk about disgusting. Opening my door, I shouted, “really in my bed of all places? Why not the shower? The kitchen? The living? The dinning room table? Seriously? In my bed? You’re fucking disgusting. Y’know what. I don’t need this. I’m going to go sleep in my car. At least have the decency to clean up when your done.” Walking out, I slammed the door. What pigs! How could they have sex in someone’s room like that? Unlocking my car, I crawled into the back seat and tried to get comfortable. Sleep pretty much never came. Instead, I checked my instagram, and twitter,

Of course, nothing on there was new, same old same old hate mail. I did something that I hadn’t done before; I blocked a lot of people who sent me mean things. By the time morning came, I had blocked at least 400 people. Sleep never did come to me.

When I decided to get out of my car, my back and neck hurt badly and in ways that were new. I think what was worse then coming alone to an empty apartment was finding your roommate having sex in your bed.

When I decided to go up to the apartment, the door was locked in every single way. I could open all of the locks from the outside but the one lock we had didn’t open from the outside, only the inside and it was only locked when we were home. Kicking the door, I grabbed my bag and drove to a motel.

Getting a room, I then took a much-needed shower and a nap. Calling May, I asked if she was busy. I told her what happened (all of it) and she said that she’d go to my apartment and get all of my stuff, every last bit of it. What she ended up doing was going over there to the apartment, knocking on the door and saying, “hey is Jack up? We we’re supposed to meet for breakfast but he never showed.” I’ve been waiting for the last hour for her to tell me how it went. An hour and a half later, she called me and said,

“So um, you’re moving out of there. I have all of your stuff, every last bit in my car. There’s no way I’m letting you stay there with that bitch and that asshole. Y’know what he said he said that, ‘Jack called me and Lisa pigs. As far as I’m concerned, he isn’t in the band anymore and he sure as hell doesn’t live here.””

Un fucking believable. I’m homeless now. Just like everyone said I would be. Taking out my phone I tweeted, “taking everything someone has is cruel but the one thing you can never ever take is passion. It will always be in my heart, you can take my home, and you can take my life but you can’t take my passion.” Rian immediately called me. All I told him was, “better find a new guitarist, your old one quits.” When I said that he said, “If you quit, I quit.” “No Rian, you’re good at this and everyone loves you. Don’t give it up because of me. You have so much potential and value. Just marry Cass already, have a bunch of kids and don’t forget the awesome times we once had.”

+Trigger warning, be advised+


He then shouted, “don’t you do it Jack. Don’t you do it I need you. Please, don’t go.” I whispered, “I’m sorry.” And hung up. Pulling out my blade, I carved FAT into my forearm, USELESS into my other arm, WASTE OF SPACE on my stomach, FAG on my hip, PIG, on my other hip and UGLY into my thigh and UNLOVABLE into my other thigh. Grabbing a bottle of pills from my bag, I took a handful and shoved them in my pocket. Dialing a taxi service, I asked for a cab to pick me up. I told the driver I wanted to go and take pictures of the bridge for a friend who had never been to Baltimore. Biggest lie ever but he didn’t need to know that.

Once we got there, I gave the driver a ton of money and when he asked why, I said, “I wont be needing it anymore.” I got out of the cab and then made my way to the railing. I started taking the pills and forced them down. Pulling out my phone, I took a picture of me on the edge and tweeted, “time to really dance on the edge. So long and goodnight. It’s been great.” I then took my shoes off and put my phone in them. Climbing over the railing, I looked down. It was a long drop but one I wanted to feel, at least until I died. Letting go of the railing, I then did a dance squat thing and then another dance move (it was ballet of some form, I know that) I then did another dance move, I started to lose my balance, just as I started to fall, a hand caught me and held onto me. Well, the bright side was that I downed half a bottle of pills and was most likely already bleeding out from the cuts.

Who pulled me back over the ledge surprised me. It was Vic. He pulled me close to his body and held me tight as he walked me to a car. Pushing me in, he told the cab driver to go to the hospital. I started to get Dizzy as we took off. Darkness started to consume me. The last thing I felt was Vic’s hand on me.




.-. .-. .-. .-.

Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in the back of my car still. I must have fallen asleep some time last night. So me going into the apartment and it being locked, going to a motel, trying to jump off the bridge was all a dream? Checking twitter, my thoughts were correct. There was no picture of the bridge nor tweet of me saying so long and goodnight. Unlocking the car, I opened the door and slowly got out. Cracking my back, I felt the discomfort of sleeping in the backseat of my car. Going to the door, I found that it was unlocked. I was a bit worried to go in, what would I see when I got in? Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the anxiety growing in me, I opened the door and walked in. The clothes were still on the floor, kicking them out of my way I got an idea. Grabbing a garbage can and a lighter, I did check Alex’s clothes first. So I made sure it was nothing super meaningful to him. It was a random plain t-shirt and jeans. Grabbing Lisa’s clothes, I threw it in without hesitation (but I did check it for car keys and ID). Spraying a shit load of hair spray and nail polish remover on it, I then lit it up. Once it burned enough, I put it out.

Walking into my room, they lay there in my bed, naked. I opened the blinds and pulled a bullhorn out of my closet and made a shit load of nose. “WHAT THE FUCK JACK?” Alex screeched. I smiled and said, “shouldn’t I ask the same, Alex? You are in my bed, in my room after all.” He rolled his eyes but he knew I was right. “So if you don’t mind, can I have my room back? Oh and I slept in my car last night. I hope you’re happy. Its one thing to have sex in every other part of the apartment but in my room in my bed is something I am not comfortable with.”

“I don’t care. I had a good time.” Lisa said bitchfully. Sighing, I said, “Alex, you and I are going to talk in 1 hour. So you have 1 hour to do whatever the fuck you want but you better not fuck again in my bed, do you understand me? 1 hour. Meet me in the living room in 1 hour.” I also smirked and continued, “by the way, here’s your clothes.” As I threw the burnt clothes at them. They were pissed but I laughed at them. “By the way get out.” The amount of dirty looks I got was hilarious. I didn’t care anymore. Once they had left my room, I ripped my sheets of my bed and threw them in a pile on the floor. Part of me didn’t even want to keep the bed knowing what they had done on it. I also wanted to burn the sheets but they were my favorite purple ones that my mom gave me a long time ago. Taking out my phone I tweeted, “I don’t know which was more uncomfortable, someone having sex in your bed or sleeping in the backseat of your car because of those said people.”

He could be all the pissed off he wants to be. I’m about sick of his shit. He’s hit me, he’s made me feel like shit and now he’s had sex in my bed and pretty much forced me to sleep in my car. He never once realized what he’s doing to me. He’s pushed me to my breaking point and whether I shatter and fall is up to me and pretty much in is hands now. I’m so unbelievably tired. I’m tired of feeling broken, I’m tired of being run down, and I’m tired of it all. Pulling out my phone I called Rian and say, “hey man. So um I think you need to come over, I’m going to try and talk to Alex. I’m afraid he’s going to get physical and honestly, I’m not ever going to hit him back but I’d also not like to be beaten to a pulp. Would you mind coming over? Also maybe bring Zack.”

Thankfully he agreed and I explained what happened last night and what I did this morning to Rian when he asked why. For the next like thirty minutes, I laid on the floor, not wanting to touch the bed and stared at the ceiling trying to remember where it all went wrong. It seems just when I was getting better, Alex was on my side and I thought we stood a chance, Lisa came back and ruined that. I’m more then definite that Alex hates me and probably wants me dead. Hell, I hate me too. So honestly, what’s stopping me?

Maybe it was the hope things would get better or maybe it was because Vic entered my life in a whole new way. Maybe it was because a part of me believed there was still a small part of Alex who still cared for me. Anyways, the hour passed and Rian and Zack were here to intervene if needed. I sat across from Alex who had Lisa by his side. Cass sat next to me and Rian and Zack stood to the side if they needed to break up a fight.

“So Alex, we are here to talk about you having sex in my bed and how you’ve been treating me recently. No one is leaving until this shit is all worked out.” I said with a pissed off look.

He rolled his eyes and said, “It was one time Jack. Can’t you get over it? And you fucking burned our clothes. What the hell was that for?”

“One time? I wont get over it, not yet. You had sex in my bed, in my room in the apartment I also pay rent for. I slept in my car. What a fucking great way to come home after a long tour. And Y’know nightmares and backseats don’t get a long well oh and being tall. So thanks for that as well. I burned your clothes because maybe if you felt some sort of something, you’d see that the clothes I burned were actually the ones you once borrowed. So technically, I burned my own clothes.”


“Whatever. It’s not like I did anything wrong. You had sex in my bunk; I had sex in your bed. We’re even.”

“Even? Is that what this is all about? I didn’t mean to have sex in your bunk, okay? I was stupidly drunk and well you know that when your that drunk and not thinking clearly, a bunk looks like your bunk when it’s right next to yours. I also apologized for that AND I cleaned everything up and bought you new sheets.” I said.

“Whatever, its in the past Jack. Build a bridge and get over it. Its said and done.”

Lisa interrupted and said, “Why are you bitching about it so much, gosh grow up and quit being a baby.”

“Can you not interrupt? Oh and your opinion isn’t needed or wanted so shut up.” I said bitterly.

“Quit being a dick jack.” Alex said with venom.

I laughed and laughed and laughed for a moment. “I’m the one not being a dick. You see, your girlfriend has been the one who was bullying me, not the other way around. She told me a list of things and tried to lower my self-esteem. She ruined my view of myself. I never said anything to her and the only time I did, she made me out to be the bad guy and you believed her. What hurt more was you never saw one once of it.”

“How can you say Lisa did all those things? She’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. You’re such a liar. Why are you trying to ruin my relationship?”

“I’m not trying to ruin it Alex. I’m trying to tell you that I’m not okay with how you and her are treating me. We’re best friends, at least I thought we were. I was there for you every single fucking time you needed me and you never did the same. I did my best to help you through every panic attack that I could but I bet you never even knew I had anxiety. I hid it so well that you never even knew the entire time we’ve been friends. I picked you up and supported you every time you got your heart broken. I’ve done all that I could for you and it’s never enough. I’ve done my best to never let you down but sadly, you’ve let me down so many times.”

“Why are you telling me now of all times?”

“Alex shut the fuck up and listen to him and quit being rude okay? He’s gone through the hell you’ve put him through and you still judge him and hurt him. Every single word you said to him has been a knife to his heart. You’ve not seen anything. You’ve not seen or even heard the nights where he’s cried himself to sleep. You’ve never held him while he cried. You’ve NEVER seen him cry.” Cass interrupted.

“I don’t need this.” Alex said with attitude.

“I don’t need this. I don’t need your attitude. I don’t need the way you’ve been treating me. I don’t need you hitting me. I don’t need you hating me. I don’t need this anymore. I’m done. I’ve had it. This is the breaking point. If things don’t change, I’m done. I’m tired of it. I’m sick of it and I’m done. Anymore and I’m done.” I said as tears filled my eyes. I don’t think he realized what I meant when I said I was done.

“I think its hilarious how you have everyone on your side to make me break up with Lisa. Your Jealous Jack. Every relationship you have doesn’t last. And at the rate your going, it never will.”

“I don’t care anymore. I gave up caring. If I cared, I would’ve been dead long before now. You just don’t get it do you? You’re hurting me. Every single word that comes out of your mouth is hurtful. What happened to my best friend? Or were you ever even my friend?”

“Jack, I’m sorry I’ve apparently been a dick. You haven’t made this easy on me either.” Alex said.

“Do you know what its like to be on a bus full of people who are all in love while you sit in your bunk crying yourself to sleep every single night, getting maybe an hour of sleep and acting perfectly okay? Do you know what its like to just wish you didn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what’s more terrifying, the thoughts in my mind of being completely numb.”

“Jack I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. You just need to be a better friend. I’m not always going to be around and one day, you’ll regret how you treated me. Isn’t it better now to prevent all of that and try to repair our friendship?”

“I think I need a moment.” Alex said.

“Fine, take a moment but I wont always be here to wait.”

Alex then got up and walked into his room for a moment. I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Cass gave me a bear hug and rubbed my back and said, “ I’m proud that you didn’t get angry and you were civil with him. Your so good Jack. You are so worth it. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently.”

“Thanks cass.” I said with a sigh.

My phone beeped and I read that Vic had texted me. The message said, “I read what you posted on twitter, I hope everything is going alright. I miss youuuuuuu. Have a good day.”

I texted him back saying, “thanks c: I miss you tooooooo. You have a good day too.”


“So Rian, we leave for tour again in 2 days right?” I asked.

“Yup. So that means wash everything now and take it easy for two days.” He answered.

I sighed. He continued on, “look Jack, he’s heard your side of the story now. He knows what he’s put you through. At least a little bit. I’m always here to talk man. You know that. I know it’s hard to stay what you feel but you need to let it out before it eats you alive. Vic is good for you and your good for him. Don’t let that go. Hold onto him. I nodded. Zack was right, I had something right in front of me that was amazing and I needed to hold on to it as best as I could before I lost it.

Notes

I am TERRIBLY sorry its been a month since the last update! i had summer school, warped tour (it was amazing, i met motionless in white XD) and have been busy. but here it is! i love you all! review!

~Ash