The next morning, I woke up next to Vic again and no one else was up. Honestly, after what Alex said I’ve lost it for good this time. I don’t want anything to do with him. He can take Lisa and just marry her or some thing because I don’t care anymore. He’s obviously doing better without me. If only I could be that way too. If only I wasn’t fucked up. If only I didn’t have a blade against my skin right now, trying to feel something. When I still couldn’t feel, I cut more and more and more just to feel. And when I couldn’t feel, I went deeper. I went until I just couldn’t anymore. It was a total mess but I didn’t worry about it, because right now I felt nothing. My vision started to blur and I accepted that I was either going to black for a while or I was going to die.


I woke up on my back with someone pounding on the door. When I tried to get up, I had to fight a wave of dizziness. Opening my eyes again, the dizziness went away. Getting up, I called out, “hold on a moment I’m taking a dump man.”Jaime said, “fine but spray some air freshener when you’re done and hurry up. I need to pee.” Laughing I replied, “ I’m going to take longer now.” “FUCK YOU JACK BARAKAT. I NEED TO PEE.” He said with annoyance. I laughed at him. Cleaning up my arm, I flushed all the bloody toilet paper away and hid my blade back in my phone case. Spraying the air freshener, I opened the door and left. Jaime ran in and closed the door quickly. I guess he really had to pee then.

Getting back in Vic’s bunk, I crawled back over to where I was laying earlier and tried to fall asleep. My thoughts bothered me for quite a while but I eventually fell asleep because the cute little Vic next to me had started to cuddle into me and made me sleepy. A short while later, I fell into a deep sleep, which was greatly needed. I don’t know how long I was asleep but I was out for a while. When I woke up again, Vic wasn’t cuddled into my side. Jaime was also standing outside the bunk with a look on his face. A look I didn’t quite like. Pulling a water balloon out of somewhere, he popped it over me, getting me wet in the process. Laughing, he said, “Revenge is a dish best served wet.” He then walked away laughing.


Swinging my legs out of the bunk I had been in, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. When I was done, I stared at myself in the mirror. The bruise was still very purple and my face was still swollen. My eyes were red a little bit and I could see how my nose was slightly crooked. I don’t get how the girls all over tumblr think I’m cute because honestly, I’m really fucking ugly. Lies. It’s all lies. Exiting the bathroom, I left what I could of my mood in there. Sitting at the table, I sat next to Vic and a cross from Jaime.Tony was about done cooking something in the kitchen. Once he finished, he put a plate in front of all of us and we all ate. Well they did. I ate slowly. Vic gave me a look that just said he knew. It scared me. Someone else knew another one of my dirty little secrets. I ate all of the food on the plate.

Thankfully, it seemed that Tony gave me a little less than the others but still more than I’d eaten in a very long time. I could just feel the fat in me once I had eaten. When I tried to get up, Vic pulled me back down and put his arm around me. he knew, He knew what I was going to do and wouldn’t let me do it. every time I tried to get up he didn’t let me up. the cycle went on and on for about an hour and a half.At some point I stop trying and retired to accepting that Vic wasn’t going to let me up and relaxed into his embrace around me. In a therapeutic way, it was comforting. It was what I craved. I needed human touch and interaction. After being hidden away in the hell I created in my bunk, I had grown hungry for human interaction. My bus however wasn’t the best place for that since everywhere I looked someone was with someone that they loved and happy. The Pierce the veil bus was just what I needed. It was full of a party attitude but also friendship and just good vibes and no negativity. The dread to return to my bus was great but at the moment, I was trying to enjoy myself. I had a rather cute guy with his arm around me and I wasn’t going to complain.

The time for me to play my set was nearing. It was the last show of this tour and it was bittersweet. I hated when things had to end but they had to end for greater things to take their place. Not going to lie, I was excited to play. Playing the guitar was a good therapy for me. It was what I did in high school. When time neared closer, I had to say bye to my beloved Sexicans. They would be on the next tour but they for some reason don’t play the first three shows, it doesn’t make sense but its how things worked out. Being without them for a while scared me. While I had been with them, I started to open up to people I trusted about how I felt about Alex. I had kept it in for so long that it started to eat me alive and it was slowly killing me, that and the things people said where killing me.

As I was saying bye to everyone, Vic asked to talk to me for a moment. I nodded then followed him to the back part of the bus. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair: a key sign he was stressed out. opening his mouth he paused and then said, “Jack, the tour ends tonight and then I wont be with you for a little bit because we join the tour later on. I want you to get better, I really do. doyou think you can handle being back on your bus without us being there or around?” I sighed, “not really but I’ll manage. I did before.”Vic bit his lip then said, “I talked to Rian, and he said that he’ll be around a lot more so that Lisa can’t bother you as much. Alex on the other hand, Rian said that he cant be avoided entirely, it is possible but you two need to sit down and talk things out.”

I laughed. Alex, talking to me? Unlikely. Yelling at me, that was more likely to happen then talking. Vic sighed again. “I don’t want to listen to how he’s upset with me. He thinks I told Lisa she’s worthless and a bunch of mean things. I didn’t do it Vic. He didn’t believe me, and he punched me. He’s not going to talk. He’s going to yell and then swing at me and Y’know what Vic? I’d let him.I’d let him beat me until I was unconscious and taking my last breath because I love him. Every time I want to give up, I remind myself that maybe there’s a chance Alex will be nicer today. Maybe Alex will realize how he’s treated me. Maybe he’ll at least acknowledge me and not ignore me.”


“If he cant treat you right, he doesn’t deserve your love Jack. I know you know that.”

“I know Vic. But I love him too much to care. I’d sleep on nails, eat glass, and bathe in salty lemon water for him. Sometimes yes, I want to put a bullet in him but more importantly, I’d take a bullet for him. I’d do it because Alex is someone’s lover, everyone loves Alex. Alex this, Alex that. he has a better chance at life then I do Vic.”

Tears gathered in Vic’s eyes. He pulled me close and hugged me tightly. For several minutes he didn’t let go, and when he did he pulled back slightly and said, “Jack, you have a chance too. You’ll be someone’s lover as well. I know for a fact that me and my boys love you very much. Mike loves partying with you, Tony loves watching movies with you, and Jaime loves pulling pranks with you. And me? I love so many things about you. I love the way you scrunch your face up when you play sometimes, the way you get excited over watching home alone after watching it only the day before. I love the way that you’re such a good friend. I love that you care for so many despite what you go through day in and day out. What I’m trying to say is that you are loved. I know many people who love you. It may not be the same as Alex loving you but we all love you and are there for you.”

Like I’ve said before, Vic has a way with words. Tears prickled my eyes, a few fell but I tried to not let anymore fall but when I looked into Vic’s eyes they fell. The look of worry, love and something I couldn’t quite read was there. Hugging him again, we pulled away when my phone went off. Rian called and said to hurry before I was late. I gave Vic a small smile. Giving him one last hug, I then tried to walk away. Key word tried. Vic pulled me close and kissed me sweetly on the lips. I kissed him back. When we pulled apart, he smiled softly and said, “I just wanted you to know that, and well I wanted to do it for a really long while now but I only want you to know how I feel. I don’t want to pressure you or freak you out. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, I know you love Alex and I know he has your heart. Have a good day Jack. Call me later.”

I kissed him on the nose and said, “you’re lucky you’re cute Fuentes, how about instead of calling you, you come watch me play?” he blushed as he nodded and then grabbed his jacket and we walked off the bus together. We had to run a little bit to make it back to my bus before I was late but it was fun. When we got to my bus eventually, we were both laughing hysterically. So we were running and we stopped to talk a breath and Bert from the used waved to us and said hello and wished us a good show. When he walked away Vic looked at me and was wide eyed. I dragged him along since he was fan girling inside. when he came out of his daze he said, “oh my god, we just met Bert from the used.” I nodded and said, “yeah. and little Vicky went silent as a mouse for like 5 minutes.” He flipped me off and I laughed and told him, “Somebody was a little weak in the knees. Hmmm.” He giggled and said, “you, only you. Well a few a long time ago but you. You are the first person in a long time.”

Vic was one of the few people who made me truly happy for the first time in forever. He and Alex could ease my pain with just their presence. I wanted to forget but part of me held on to him. We made it to my bus about a minute before I would’ve been considered late. Rian raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. Cass wiggled her eyebrows at me when no one else was looking. I shook my head and mouthed, “tell you later.” she nodded. Alex came out of somewhere with Lisa and was taken back by the presence of Vic. “why is Vic here? no offence Vic.” I answered, “well, Rian has Cass, You have Lisa and on occasion Zack has his girlfriend. I wanted to have someone for a change. Vic hasn’t been to one of our shows in awhile so when he told me that, I asked if he wanted to come see us play.” All Alex did was nod.

Finally, he didn’t yell at me. then again, maybe he didn’t yell because Vic was here. Lisa sent me a glare and a dirty look but I shook it off. Instead of thinking about her and her evil choice words, I focused on the beautiful Carmel man sitting next to me on the couch. I crossed my legs so that our knees touched. When we touched, I felt something. It was like sparks but the longer we touched it was fireworks. Being around Vic made me feel alive once again. it was something I needed.


A while later, it was time to head out to the stage area to warm up. Vic came with us and watched from the side as I checked my guitar over and did some warm ups. Our call to stage was less than 10 minutes. Vic pulled me furtherinto the trailer we were standing in while we were waiting. When no once could see us, he kissed me sweetly. I kissed him back. Something about his lips was intoxicating. When I kissed him, I wanted to kiss him more. The time for us to go on stage was called. I kissed him one last time and said, “I’ll see you in a bit.” and winked. As I walked out of the trailer, I made sure my sleeves were down and nothing showed. Rian winked at me and whispered in my ear, “get some.” I blushed and smacked his arm. He smiled and shook his head. Lisa sent me dirty looks and Alex looked confused.

Walking out on stage, I felt even more Alive. The show itself went good for a while. Alex and I had settled into an unsaid comfortable zone.We said good-bye to the crowd, thanked them for a great show and an awesome way to end the tour. Vic greeted me with open arms despite me being covered in sweat. We thanked the road crew for this store and the stagehands, (I also shook their hands and thanked them personally, because that’s just something that I do) and then handed our instruments to them to be put away for the next tour. Vic’s band was playing in about two hours so we had awhile to hang out. I ended up borrowing a T-shirt from Mike and I reused my jacket after I took a shower.

When it was time for Pierce The Veil to play, I followed the four of them to the trailer where they would be getting their stuff. Vic had spent the last 45 minutes warming up his voice, so while he did that, Mike and me talked about which whisky we thought was best (which I ended up making a list of the ones he told me to try).I heard the chant of the crowd and then saw the smile on all of their faces. I gave them all a high five and gave Vic a kiss before he and the others did their pre-show ritual. When it was time for them to play, they all ran on stage and gave it their all. They really do give it their all, I was impressed with the show they gave. It was breath taking. Once their set was over, they handed off their guitars and thanked their crew. I gave Vic a hug and we all walked back to the bus. Once everyone had cleaned up, we spent the remainder of the time just hanging out. I had to be on my bus before 9’o clock so I could get to the airport on time to go to Baltimore for a few days before out next tour.

When the time came for me to leave, I gave everyone a hug and a fist pump. Vic said he’d walk me back to my bus. The walk was only a few minutes but I enjoyed my extra time with him and holding his hand was a bonus. Standing outside my bus, he put his arms around my neck and I put mine around his waist. Kissing him, I said afterwards, “well my dear, this is where we part, but not for very long. You take care Vic. Eat your vegetables, Drink water and have fun. I’ll see you in a while.” He laughed and said, “I’ll miss you, and especially how we spent so much time together in the last few days.” “Come with me. I’ll buy you a ticket, you can borrow my clothes.” “I want to, and as much fun as that sounds, I cant. I have to do some sort of photo shoot for a magazine and a few interviews. That’s part of the reason we start tour later. I wish I could go with you.”

“Darn. It was worth a shot.” I said with a smile. He kissed me on the nose and said, “you should get on, Cass is taking pictures of us and I think she plans on keeping them to black mail us when she wants us to do something in the future.” I shook my head and chuckled. “It sounds like something she’d do.” he laughed and kissed me once more. “Until next time my dear. Keep your chin up; show the world your smile because it’s beautiful. Oh and don’t ever let the world make you change. I like you the way you are, the way you were born. Who gives a fuck what everyone else thinks, what you think is important. You are important and so damn beautiful Jack. You don’t see it but I do.” he kissed me one last time and then opened my bus door and pushed me on and waved as he walked away.



Cass smiled and said, “details, now.” I rolled my eyes playfully and dropped onto the couch. “Come on that wasn’t just anything out there.” I smiled at the memory of kissing Vic. “well, he um admitted he liked me earlier and we kissed a few times and held hands.” She awed. And told me to continue. “So since there was only a few bunks, I shared with Vic. At first it was a little weird but then it got normal and then we got comfortable around each other. He was there for me when I needed someone. He wiped away the tears as I cried a little bit and held me as I sobbed.”

“He’s good for you. I see it. And you’re good for him. He was lonely before and he’s gotten his heart broken so many times before. Poor thing.” Cass said. She stood up and then pulled me to the bunkroom and pushed me into Rian’s bunk. “Arms now.” she demanded softly. I shook my head and she raised an eyebrow. Putting my arms out in front of me, she rolled up my sleeves. She kept her poker face as she cleaned up the newer wounds. I felt ashamed. When she was done, she pulled me into a hug and said, “Jack, I think you need to talk to someone. Its getting out of hand now, well it’s always been out of hand. It’s self-harm. Its not meant to be positive. Jack, you are so beautiful and so kind. You don’t need to do this to yourself. These scars mean nothing other than that you’ve survived. You don’t need to make anymore, life gives you enough scars you don’t need to make your own.”

I nodded as I tried to keep the tears from falling. “How about this, when we get to Baltimore, you go visit May and her family, get a new hair cut and go to a Raven’s game. Have some fun and do some positives for your self.” nodding, I wrapped my arms around myself. Rian pulled open the bunk curtain and said, “Barakat, whatcha doing with my lady?” “Talking.” He nodded and somehow managed to fit himself in the bunk with us. “Y’know you always have me, okay man. Forever and always.” Giving him a small smile, I hugged him before getting out of the bunk. Luckily, I had gotten all of my stuff on the bus earlier without Alex bothering me about it. Then again, he was sucking face with Lisa. Our arrival at the airport neared.

Checking to see that I had all of my stuff in my bags, I did a check for what I would need during the flight. Phone, check. Headphones check. Random magazine, check. Yes. I got everything. Once we got to the airport, we checked in and then waited to board the plane. It wasn’t until the plane was taxiing down the freeway and I was in my seat, all alone did I let some of my walls down for a short time. Closing my eyes, I fell asleep for a bit. When I woke up, we were about to land. Once we landed and got everything from baggage claims, we pretty much parted ways. Alex who used to live with me was now with Lisa, so I’d be going home to an empty house full of memories I’d like to forget.

Rian would be with Cass, and Zack would be with his girlfriend, I’d be all alone. The best part about being alone, you’re alone so no one can bug you about how much you’re eating or in my case, not eating. Slowly, the crew and my band mates dispersed. Rian said I was always welcome at his place but I didn’t want to interrupt whatever he and Cass had planned. Zack said the same thing but again I didn’t want to be a bother to him. Alex of course said nothing. Hell even a random tech member said that I was welcome to hang out with him. There are only two people I’d want to be around right now, Vic or Alex.


Distracting my self for a moment, I decided it was probably smart to find a cab to get home. Once I had found a cab, I gave the driver instructions and made small talk with the driver to be nice. The driver was actually really nice which was a surprise. Once I had gotten to my destination, I only owed the driver 20 dollars but I gave him 50 to be nice. I mean after all he had to put up with me and I’m a loser. Walking to my door, I was prepared to enter an empty apartment, or at least what I thought was empty.

Notes

so what's up guys? haha review my beautifuls xD have a lovely week!