Stepping onto my bus was the most painfully awkward thing I have ever done. Thankfully, Zack and Rian and Cass were sitting in the main part of the bus. Zack stood up and gave me a hug. I looked at Rian and he nodded. So he told them what happened. Greeeaaattt. I’m under even closer watch now. Time to play my cards good so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I sat down next to Zack and didn’t say anything. “Jack, if Jaime wouldn’t have grabbed you, would you have done it.” Cass asked. I slowly nodded. She bit her lip and then grabbed her mouth. She got up from next to Rian and hugged me. “Jack, it’s not worth it. He’s not worth it.” I know Cass, but I love him more than I love anything, I said in my mind.


Alex and I were a Time bomb. We knew we were destined to explode, just never at the same time. I thought he loved me but I guess I was wrong. “Cass, as much as I wish it weren’t so, I can’t keep doing this. I don’t even want to stay here anymore. It’s not the same anymore and you know it never will be.”

Rian sighed and pulled out his phone and made a call. When he was done he said, “Vic said you could stay on there bus until the end of tour. We’ll figure something out. You guys go through funks but get back to being normal. Your Jack and Alex. Its never one without the other. It’s going to be alright Jack.” I looked him in the eye and said, “ Well know its just Alex and Just Jack. And you know its not going to be all right. It’s never going to be alright.”I got up and went into the bathroom. Locking the door, I pulled out my phone and took the case apart. Once I had what I was looking for, I sat on the floor against the door.In this moment, I wanted nothing more than to rip my skin apart and shred it and just bleed out on this floor. But I knew I shouldn’t. Dialing May’s number I called her. “May. I fucked up and its bad this time.” she asked what happened and I explained.

I told her about the fight and how I ended up with the PTV boys and how I smoked with them and got drunk and ended up on the roof. Then I told her about what I did, well almost did. She wasn’t mad but she was upset. Then I told her about what Lisa said to me and what she did. May has always hated Lisa. Whether it was because she’s a bitch or just because May just wants me to be with Alex, May hates Lisa. I don’t blame her either. I hate Lisa. I’m pretty sure a lot of people hate Lisa. Once May said she had to go back to work, I said I love you and hung up. Opening the Internet, I googled Jalex. A bunch of youtube videos came up, tumblr blogs and fan fictions. Pulling my head phones out of one of my pockets, I watched the videos.


I could see how we were. How it affected the Band. I remember all the dates Alex argued with Lisa or with me. On some days he was more the Alex I love and on others he was a stranger. And as the videos got more and more new, I couldn’t recognize him anymore. I couldn’t even recognize myself. I started to be less and less loud and more quiet. Alex got more and more short tempered, probably had more Anxiety attacks and treated me worse and worse and less how he used to.

Going through tumblr, I saw how the fans hated Lisa. A few thought nice of her but they only did that so it seemed the entire fandom didn’t hate her. Once I was done going through tumblr, I read the fan fictions. Some of them were, dirty and others were heart breaking. And some, some just wrote how I felt in a way that I knew they understood. A few of them could see past my walls and saw how broken I was. A few said I was getting to skinny for their liking and that I needed to put some meat on my bones before its to late. Another said that they missed all the fun jokes we used to say. It’s more and more business and less about giving the fans a good time. Putting the razor away, I was happy with my self for once, I didn’t have to harm myself. I distracted myself long enough for the feelings to pass for a while. Exiting the bathroom, I saw everyone out in the main part of the bus.

“So prince charming decided to finally show up.” I heard Alex say to no one in particular. I kept my face blank. No way in hell would I let him see how much he was hurting me. After a few minutes of a tense silence, we all went to sound check. We did our pre- show rituatal and then ran on stage. The show its self was good but the other aspect of it was terrible. Alex paid no attention to me what so ever. Instead of doing the usual leaning on me thing he does, he did it to Zack. He avoided me as much as he could. I could feel the crowd feel the tension in the band. All the rumors that would be up tonight about us splitting up would spread like wildfire. As much as I don’t want it to be true, I think it might be true. At least with someone leaving. It’s most likely going to be me. I’m the most pathetic, fucked up and least wanted. It only makes sense. I’m replaceable.

My girl friends cheat on me, Alex replaced me for Lisa, its only time the band replaces its guitarist. Once the show was over, I threw my picks out into the crowd, I saw a girl crying her eyes out and I looked over my shoulder than got off stage and handed it to her myself. Security about killed me for it later but I knew I made her happy, she smiled through her tears and mouthed thank you.Zack and Rian questioned me but not intently. Alex screamed at me saying, “how could you do something so stupid? The crowd could have grabbed you and then what? You think they’d not break your guitar? Those are expensive Jack and besides, a fan could have gotten hurt.”


Are you mother fucking kidding me? A fan getting hurt but not me. That’s what he’s yelling at me about. Looking him in the eye I said, “I expected Security to chew me out, not you. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences, I was thinking about how I probably made that girl’s day. She was crying her eyes out and when I handed her the pick, she smiled so wide. And before you say anything else, it was worth it. It was worth the risk to make someone else happy. I’d do it again. Even if that meant getting chewed out every single time.”


The voice in my head said, “he didn’t even care about you getting hurt. He cared more about the price of the guitar and the fans then you.” I shook away the voice in my head. It was wrong. Alex cared; he just had a funny way of showing it.

Alex took a deep breath and said, “if you’re going to do stupid things, I don’t think you should be in this band anymore. Sure we all love to party but you party the hardest. We’re always waiting on you and cleaning up after you. Do you think pissing in my bed was fun? It was immature Jack. You need to grow up.”

I blinked away the tears in my eyes. He wasn’t going to see me cry, keep it together jack, keep it together. “ If that’s what you think, okay. And grow up? You’re to blind to see that I have. I grew up and so did you. I just don’t recognize the Alex I see. The fans are right you aren’t yourself; I’m not myself anymore. I still care about you Alex; you’re my best friend even though you’re obviously not mine. Just remember, it never had to be this way. Not once.” I walked off the bus and ran. I ran until my feet hurt and my lungs burned. I ran until I had nothing left in me. I kicked a bus door that was next to me. Screaming, I punched the air and then just sat on the ground and cried.

At some point Vic must’ve found me because the next thing I know he’s carrying me back to his bus with Mike. I had no energy left in me to fight. He put me in his bunk and tucked me in. I fell asleep within minutes. A little while later I woke up to Vic shaking me awake gently. Apparently I had to go to the interview in about 15 minutes and Rian was here to get me. Getting out of Vic’s bunk, I stretched before going into the kitchen area after going to the bathroom. I didn’t look super shitty but I didn’t look that great either. Rian gave me a hug and tried to talk to me about what happened earlier but I changed the subject. Vic said as Rian was ushering me out the door, “go ahead and come back here after the interview.” I nodded and then left with Rian.

The walk its self was short but felt so long do to the silence. For the first time in forever, I didn’t want to go to an interview. I don’t want to see Alex, not right now but in life, you have to do things you don’t want to. The interview was going to be in a dressing room, most likely on a couch. Great. Once we got there, Rian and I said hello to the interviewer and were friendly before sitting down. I sat against the right couch arm and Rian was on my left. Zack was then on Rian’s left and Alex was on Zack’s left against the left couch arm. We did our introduction and I stayed silent most of the time. Alex did most of the talking and Rian did as well since I didn’t want to talk.

Then the interviewer had a question for me. She asked, “what is it like being the only single member of All Time Low?” I thought over my answer for my moment and said, “well, I don’t know. I try not to think about it. I mean everyone else is happy in their relationships and I’m just kinda there at times. It’s all right. I mean I don’t think I’d like being away from the person I loved for the length of the tours sometimes. It’s hard. So right now, I’m okay with it. I’m having a blast on this tour and can’t wait to go onto our next one.” good answer Jack. Good answer. It didn’t lead onto how broken you are and the state of your relationship with Alex.

They went through more questions and I answered as best as I could and tried to act more like myself and like nothing was happening. If people suspected things weren’t right, an interview where I wasn’t like I usually was then people would know. Keep your walls high Jack. Don’t let them see what’s really going on. As the interview went on (it was a longer interview) I was more and more the old me. Rian was laughing his ass off as I told the story about Tony and I when we were partying the other day.

“So basically me and the guys of pierce the Veil were partying the other day it was a blast. So basically Mike made burritos because he was hungry and he made me one too. I looked at Tony and he knew of what I was talking about. I looked at Vic and screamed, ‘I just want to fuck the burrito’. It was extremely funny. He ran all over away from me and I was chasing him with the burrito. I don’t remember why exactly but it was really funny.”

The interviewer then asked some more questions and towards the end, she asked about Jalex and what was going on with that. I played with my hands and let Alex answer that. He said, “Jack and I are not in a relationship much to a lot of fans dismay. I am very much in love with Lisa and not Jack. And I’d like to ask all the fans to stop spreading rumors about me and Jack dating and to stop sending Lisa hate. She is an amazing woman that I love with my entire heart. She doesn’t deserve the hate you all send her. If you saw the woman I love, you wouldn’t do it. Besides, I do not see Jack in any other way than being a friend. ”

I’m pretty sure whatever was left of my heart died. Alex ripped it out, stomped it, crushed it, ran it over with a semi truck and then poured salt and lemon juice all over it. I nodded and said, “yeah. Alex pretty much said it all.” When the interviewer looked at me. I kept up my happy attitude but I wanted nothing more to crawl into a hole and die. Any hope I had left for Alex and I ever going out was crushed. He didn’t see me that way and he never would. Once the interview finally ended, I said thanks and walked out. Rian followed me and walked me to the bus. I took a deep breath and tried to forget the contents of the past hour.

When I walked in, ton was watching Harry potter with Mike and Jaime and Vic was in his bunk. I went to Vic’s bunk and crawled in with him and laid my head on his shoulder. He hugged me and tears began to leak out of my eyes no matter how hard I tried to keep them from falling. When I ultimately failed, they flowed out of my eyes like a waterfall. He rubbed my back as I eventually cried myself to sleep.


Rian’s POV


Cass was completely right when she said that something was up with Jack. Oh god. if only we noticed earlier on in the tour. Thinking back, it all started when Lisa showed up unexpectedly and got back together with Alex. Before that, Zack, Cass and I were so certain that Alex and Jack would finally start to go out ,they had been getting closer and closer than they had been in a while. Then out of nowhere, Lisa shows up and Alex dumps Jack like he’s bad news. I refuse to believe that Jack said hurtful things to Lisa. How on earth can Alex believe her?

Jack is literally one of the nicest people ever. He’s super caring and fun; I don’t think the guy has a single mean bone in his entire body. What is the most shocking is that Alex hit Jack. He hit him and would have continued if Zack hadn’t pulled him off of Jack. What’s even more sad is that jack would’ve let Alex beat him. He literally stood there and let Alex throw punches at him and did nothing about it. The light that once shined so bright in Jack’s eyes is almost gone. Alex keeps pushing him closer and closer to breaking down; I can see it in Jack’s eyes.

Going to the PTV bus would be good for Jack. I knew Vic would take good care of him (I also texted him and told him just to help jack out and do whatever needed to do it), but when Vic called me frantically because Jack was about to jump off the roof of their bus, I panicked. In that exact moment, I knew Alex had gone way to far. I held it together as Jaime got him off the roof and down the latter. I held it together as we all talked about what happened. I held it together until I got back in my bunk that night. I cried and cried and cried. The next morning, Alex acted like none of it happened and like that Jack hadn’t ever exsisted his main concerns were Lisa. Vic texted me to see if Jack had to do anything today and I told him just the show.

Cass knew I cried last night; I woke her up at one point. It was all calm on the bus (despite how mad Zack and I were at Alex) until after the show. I saw Jack jump off the stage and give a girl in the crowd his pick. He literally handed it to her himself and held her hand for a moment. She was in tears our entire set until he did that. After he did that, she smiled so brightly and looked like she had gained a reason to fight on through whatever she was going through. But the moment we got to the bus, Alex ripped Jack a new one. Jack never yelled back and took the verbal abuse. That’s the thing; the only person Jack will ever take shit from is Alex. If we told him his hair wasn’t working today, he’d flip us off. If Alex told him, he’d go and fix it. Jack then ran off the bus and away. I looked at Alex and I looked him in the eye and said, “you may not realize it but he looks up to you. You’re his best friend and currently, you’re treating him like shit.”

He shrugged and walked away. That was not the Alex I knew. He would have run after Jack and worked things out. Oh god. Pulling out my phone I called Vic, “I’m going to go look on one side of the bus area but I have a feeling Jack is going to you guys. Alex just chewed him out bad again. Vic, please jus find him and make sure he’s okay. We don’t want a repeat of last night. Please.” I then ran out with Zack and Cass to find Jack. Vic called saying he’d found him. A weight had been lifted of my chest for the time being. We all headed back to our bus and sat down. Cass went through Jack’s bunk and found nothing left. So he really took everything with him when he got on the PTV bus. Alex was watching a movie with Lisa. I swear that’s all they do. He doesn’t do shit with us anymore. It’s all about Lisa. I feel bad about spending a lot of time with Cass in front of Jack. Everyone’s all grouped up and he’s there alone. What I love about Cass is that she tries her absolute best to involve him in everything she can.

I love Cass so much. She’s good to Jack as well as me. Checking my phone, it was time to go and get Jack and go to the interview.

I will admit, I was worried about how it would go. Once we went, for the most part it was okay. Jack participated and tried to not lead on to what was going on. He did a good job, which scared me deeply. If he could fake it for this, he could fake it all the time. It was going well until the interviewer asked about Jalex. Alex answered it in a dick way. In no way shape or form was Lisa nice. Cass, Zack and I knew that. Jack knew it the most. She mistreated him all the time. We tried to stop her but then she got worse for him. After the interview, Jack said nothing and that scared me deeply. He acted like he was fine but I knew, I knew he was breaking so bad on the inside. He had to be at his breaking point. He loves Alex with everything he has. You can just tell the way he looks at him that he loves him. Alex is his entire world and without Alex, I’m afraid he’s going to just fade away into nothing. I can the start of it and that worries me. if only Alex could see what he was doing to jack.

Notes

so here's another chapter my loves (: I tried to update sooner but my internet went down for the thousandth time as it loves to do it. haha. so ten extra credit points in life to the people who found all of the references. and hey if you name all of them from this chapter, maybe i'll do something as a prize haha. I don't know yet. if you comment tho ,i'll give a prize haha. so have a good day guys! (: I love you all

~Ash