I guess it all starts in summer, where I had him right where I wanted him. She came along and took him faster than you can say sabotage. Okay so I might be quoting t-swift on that but its true. They had just broken up two months before when we had left for tour when she came knocking on our bus door saying that leaving him was the biggest mistake she ever made. It’d be sorta all right if this hadn’t been the 6th time she’s done it. Every time they’ve dated so far, they break up and she comes back and he goes right back into her arms. She knows how I feel about Alex. She confronted me when I was alone several years ago and told me, “ Alex is mine. He could never love a fat, suicidal freak like you. He’ll never love you, he could never love you. He loves me more than he’ll ever love you. Go cry and cut your self and if you tell him we had this conversation or anyone else for that matter, I’ll deny it and say you tried to kiss me and touch me.”

Wonder how I had that remembered so well, word for word? Well she told me that right before I attempted and my sister caught me. May knows how bad I’ve been and she thinks I’m getting better. Being on tour helps with that for the most part. But being on tour also makes it worse. Alex hides away in his bunk a lot since he’s always skyping or calling or texting Lisa. And if he’s not in his bunk, he’s with her. If you walk out into the lunge, there’s a chance you’ll see them cuddling. Walk into the bunkroom and you might hear them fucking. Walk into the kitchen and you’ll see them being romantic.


So I almost never see Alex anymore. He’s always with or talking to Lisa. Rian is no different with Casadee but at least she’s likeable and a genuinely sweet person, and even then Rian is around more often than Alex. Zack plays video games and sticks to himself since I am not much for company sometimes.It seems the only time I see Zack and Rian is when we are partying. They always see girls flirting with me but honestly, I don’t flirt back and their too drunk to remember that I walked away alone at the end of the night. People think I have one-night stands a lot and do the do a lot but I don’t. That’s just another misconception about me. I slept around at one point but I don’t know. That was several years ago. I’ve grown as person and well honestly, I have scars I don’t want people to see.

There are probably hundreds of scars on my hips and thighs and even on my arms. Long sleeves have never been so kind well, except maybe in the heat. My band has never seen my scars most of them are new. I struggled in high school, as most teenagers do but as an adult, I struggle more now. Lisa knows what her being with Alex does to me. She knows that it’s the reason I cry my self to sleep every single night, the reason scars fill my skin and the reason why I’ve attempted two times. The second time I attempted, well first. My sister found me the second time actually I was in high school. Alex had been the one who found me; I had felt terrible for the longest time. He would’ve lost someone else he loved because they took their own life.

I had a bottle of pills in my hand that I had been trying to open when he walked in. instantly, my struggle for the bottle ended when he had taken it from me and asked what I had been doing with it. When I said that I was trying to get a pill for my headache, he didn’t believe it. Mostly because there had been tears rolling down my cheeks and I was breathing heavily. For the next several weeks and even into the up coming months, he made sure I was okay and spent the night when I wasn’t. I was there for him every single time and he was there for me. That was until he met Lisa. After he met her, our time became limited. He was always on her schedule, on her time. We used to hang out almost 24/7 but it got cut down to maybe 4 days a week to twenty minutes once a week.

It was okay though, he was happy with his girl friend. I mean, his happiness was more important then mine. When he did come over, all he did was talk about how much he thought she was the one. I listened to every single detail about her. Congratulated him when he said they were moving in. I helped him move, all with a smile. Not once did he ever know how much I wanted to cry because he loved her and found a new best friend. He quickly replaced me with her once they moved out. Days without contact turned into weeks. The only time we talked was at band practice, which he cancelled at times because of Lisa. Then they broke up the first time. He showed up crying and falling apart. Despite it making me feel like I now had a chance with him, I pushed my feelings aside and helped him. Then he got back with her when she came running back to him.

Then they broke up again and again, and again until they’ve reached the 7th time they got back together which is of now. Of course she came back with the same BS that she missed him and regretted it more than anything and better yet, he believed it. Every single time they broke up, I was there for him. All the staying up way to late needing to be up early, movie marathons and song writing, was all for him. Everything I ever did was for him. I did whatever had to be done for us to get signed. Alex needed the band to get somewhere. All of us did, we wouldn’t have met the people we met if I hadn’t done what I did. I don’t regret what I did only because we got where we have gotten. We wouldn’t have seen the world if I hadn’t done what I did. I don’t think Alex knew what I had to do to get us where we are today but that’s okay. Its better he didn’t know.

Anyways, it had been the 6th time they broke up. As usual, I let Alex stay with me, do whatever he wanted. As most of like everyone knows, Alex likes to lie on me, cuddle me and sit on me, as I do it back to him as well. Well, in the summer of this last tour; we got even closer than before. He treated me like he did Lisa, like he loved me. If I had thought I had it bad for him before, I was wrong. Not even halfway through that tour, he had me wrapped around his finger, I was his slave. Then Lisa came back. Again. Like she does every single time, and of course he went running back to her with his arms open.

So here I am, in my bunk left to pick up the broken pieces of my own heart. I can barely breathe. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I sobbed silently into my pillow. Hearing the bus door open, I held my breath and wiped my tears away. Facing the wall, I had my back to the curtain. When it opened partially, I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I felt my blanket be pulled out from underneath my feet and my shoes taken off, and then the blanket covered me. Once who ever it was, was done they said, “Sleep well Jack.” I then realized the voice belonged to Rian. The curtain then closed and the footsteps faded away and the bus door shut closed again. At least Rian still cared, right? I mean he wouldn’t have done all that if he hadn’t had cared.

Tears then rolled down my cheeks again and I cried myself to sleep for what seems like the billionth time. When I woke up, it was dark out. Checking my phone it was 8 pm. I had 5 messages: two from Zack, one from Rian and one from Casadee. Zack asked where I was and told me to text either him or Rian when I woke up. Rian said that he hoped I felt better. I was a little confused as to what he meant and continued checking my messages. Casadee sent, “ Lisa said she called you and you said that you didn’t feel to good, that you had a stomach ache and didn’t want to come to dinner. Hope you feel better Pumpkin King! Let me know if you need anything!” and there was nothing from Alex or any call from Lisa. She lied to them.

Getting out of my bunk, I hung my feet over the edge and jumped down from my middle bunk and went to the bathroom. Locking the door, I stood in front of the mirror and pulled my shirt up and stared at my self. I was hideous. My stomach was too fat and the scars littered my hips and peaked out at the edge of my boxers. Taunts rang through my mind. Taking out the razor I hid in my phone case, I took the razor and did what I knew oh so well. When I finished, I had 20 new cuts on my thigh and felt better. Cleaning up, I wrapped my leg and made sure the bathroom was spotless before cleaning my blade and putting it back where it was in my phone case.

Going back to my bunk, I got there just in time. I heard the bus door open and laughter follow it. Pretending to sleep, I laid there as I heard my band mates laughing and having a good time without me. That didn’t hurt at all, not at all. I pressed my leg into my bed, feeling it sting and give me some sort of release. Again, my curtain opened and I felt a hand touch my shoulder. It softly shook my ‘awake’. Rolling over I saw Casadee standing they’re smiling softly and saying, “evening Jack. Would you like any of the food we brought back for you, or is your stomach still hurting?” I sighed softly and answered, “its still hurting a little bit. I’m going to wait a bit.” she nodded and said, “Well if you need anything, anything at all, you know where I am, got it?” and then smiled before walking back to the lounge.

Closing the curtain, I laid back on my back. What had my life become? Skipping meals, partying to hard, scarring my skin, what was it all for? Why did I have to get my heart broken and have no one there to put me back together. I always put Alex together. Why couldn’t someone save me? Maybe I didn’t want to be saved. Maybe I wanted it to all just end. Maybe, just maybe, this would be the last time Alex got his heart broken by her before. Maybe, just maybe they’d work out this time and he wouldn’t come back to me for me to fix him. Maybe it was the end of my story.

Notes

so this is chapter two. I tried to update last night but the page just wouldn't load. :/ anyways, I just got back from some where and thought I would update while I had the chance. once school starts again (I'm on break right now) updating will be hard due to the mass amounts of studying for finals which will be intense ):

and yes I quoted taylor swift. I thought that the song fit quite well for this chapter. I will quote other songs and maybe a few more of hers but i'm going to keep mixing it up.

thank you all to the subscribers. it makes my day (: thank you all for commenting and rating the story. (: have a good day guys

~Ash