Loving him is red, losing him is blue, and everything else is just grey. I don’t know how long I’ve slept or how long I’ve been in my bunk but it’s been since mid afternoon yesterday since I ate. I think its almost noon but I haven’t gotten out of my bunk yet and my phone died. I haven’t done much either. I’ve just been lying here for the most part. Hearing footsteps, I rolled onto my side facing the wall. The curtain opened and my blankets were ripped away from me. “Jack get up. We have a show in an hour and warm ups in 30 minutes.” It was Rian telling me, I could tell by the voice. “Fine.” I mumbled back. I rolled onto my back for a few minutes before swinging my feet out of my bunk and jumping down. Getting some clothes from my bag, I then went into the bathroom, and I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was dirty looking, there were dark circles under my eyes, my eyes were blood shot and I was slightly pale. Getting into the shower, I washed away all the sweat, tears and stink and washed my hair quickly before getting out. Once I dried my hair, I put on the clothes I brought in with me. I chose a black shirt that had Jagk written on it and some skinny jeans that were cut off right below the knee. Exiting the bathroom, I put on my socks and shoes and went into the lounge once I had put my coat on.

Rian and Zack sat playing video games on the Xbox while Casadee sat at the table doing her make up. Walking to the fridge, I looked inside. Grabbing water, I closed the fridge and sat down next to Casadee. She put down her mirror and said, “its good to see you in the land of the living Skellington.” I smiled and laughed and replied, “what ever you say church girl.” I have her saved in my contacts in my phone as church girl because her last name is pope. I’m Skellington because of jack Skellington. “Do you feel any better?” she asked. I nodded. She smiled and said, “in that case, I have some blueberry muffins I bought earlier that are to die for. You have to try one!” I smiled and said, “sure.” Despite how much I did not want to eat. Eating meant fat and fat meant gaining weight. She got up and got one and then brought it to me. Looking at it, I picked small parts of it off and nibbled it. It was good; I’ll give her that. “That’s actually really good Church girl.” She smiled and said, “they were made with love, that’s why.” I smiled. She talked to me about random things as I ate. By the time it was time for us to go and warm up, I had finished the muffin and hadn’t even realized it.

The bus door opened and in walked Alex and Lisa. I smiled even though it hurt so much to do so. I would never let her know how much she hurts me. Alex smiled and said, “hey Jacko, I’m glad you’re feeling better today!” “Thanks lex.” I said with a smile but not looking him in the eyes directly. I’m sure that if I did, he’d see how broken I was or how close I was to the edge. Lisa of course interrupted whatever conversation we were about to have and asked him about something stupid to gain his attention. Of course she got it and within seconds I was long forgotten about. I stood there for not much longer before returning to the bunk area. My phone was charged enough to where it would last at least an hour, deciding to check instagram and then twitter I wished I hadn’t. I went through the hundreds of hate filled tweets. It wasn’t until there were tears on my phone did I realize I was crying. How could someone hate someone they’ve never met before? These people told me to slit my throat and die and make them happy. Once I got threw the tweets, I saw Alex’s twitter. He posted a lot about having fun with Lisa. If you checked his account, you would see that the past (at least hundred) tweets are about Lisa. I even saw people commenting like, “where’s jack? Is he alright?” and some that said, “so glad to see you not with that fag. He was only bringing you down.” 67 people liked it and 39 Retweeted it.


Of course Alex didn’t defend me or anything. I always defended him when someone said something mean to him. Checking instagram, I saw lots more of hateful words. Many people told me I was fat that my eyebrows were too bushy, and my nose was too big. I poked at my stomach. I could feel how fat the muffin was making me. Going into the bathroom, I turned on a song on my phone and made sure it was loud after locking the door. Kneeling in front of the toilet, I made everything I just ate come back up. Brushing my teeth, I made sure there was no evidence of what I had just done in the bathroom. Going back into my bunk, I laid down. My throat burned, and my vision was a bit blurry. Wiping away the sweat on my forehead, I made sure I looked fine, well not as broken as I felt. Once I was sure I looked all right, I went back to the lounge.

Alex sat there with Lisa in his lap as they were making out, Casadee sat with Rian at the table talking and Zack was playing video games. Sighing quietly to my self, I sat down next to Zack and said, “I’ll play you in Mario kart.” He shrugged and handed me a controller. I won of course because I’m the kind of Mario kart. The only other person who can beat me is Alex but of course, I haven’t played Mario Kart with him in a very, very long time. I did my little ‘happy dance’ that I do when I win so they wouldn’t suspect a thing. Zack whacked me with a pillow, which led to a pillow fight. Within seconds, Rian and Casadee joined in. everyone on the bus joined in except for Alex and Lisa who were making out. I don’t know what came over me but I ‘playfully’ whacked Lisa (and not that hard may I add) but enough to break the two of them up.

I then went back into the pillow fight. Alex said, “Jack what the hell was that? Why’d you do that? You could’ve hurt Lisa” I looked him in the eye and said, “Well, the rest of the bus was having a pillow fight. The Alex I know would’ve had a blast beating the shit of his band mates with a pillow; so I had thought maybe Alex would like to join.” He didn’t look pleased. Well shit. I made the person I’m in love with upset with me. “Jack, you’re so immature at times. Lisa and me were having a moment you so gladly interrupted. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to my girlfriend.” Yup. That hurt. I think part of me just died a little bit more.

Turning around, I saw that everyone else was silent. I shrugged and went back to my bunk to lie under my covers until we left to warm up for the show. Not even a moment after I got in my covers, Casadee was there opening the curtain. I looked at her with tears in my eyes. She climbed into my bunk and lay there next to me. She hugged me and said, “Oh jack. I’m so sorry skelly, I’m so sorry.” I mumbled back, “me too.” tears fell from her eyes and she said, “how long?” I raised and eye brow and asked, “how long what?” she answered, “How long have you loved him?” I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath. All I could do was whisper, “years and years and years. Longer than she’s ever been around.” she hugged me tightly and said, “oh you poor man you. I hate her so much. I see what she’s up too. She has Alex wrapped around her finger and it sickens me.”

“She’s a bitch Cass, a bitch. You know I’m a nice person and I hate her. I hate that she has him and I don’t. I hate that she tells me that.” I said softly, not much above a whisper. “Well, I’ll tell you what. Right now, you wipe those tears, smile and ignore her as much as you can for right now. Ignore Alex too. He’s a dick. I can’t believe he said that. Anyways, ignore him and make this the best show yet. You play your heart out. You give the crowd your heart. I know you can do that. You do that well. Now, go own that stage better than my boyfriend. Haha don’t tell him that.” I smiled and hugged her before she got out of my bunk and back into the lounge.

Cass is so sweet. She makes you feel better when you feel low. What Alex said made me want to drive a razor into my skin and let my blood wash away my pain. I dug my nails into the cuts on my thigh and felt better as I felt my jeans start to dampen a little bit. I smiled to my self. It felt damn good to bleed. Checking my phone, I saw that it was time to go. Getting out of my bunk, I made sure I looked okay and by okay I meant less disgusting. I mean there was nothing I could do to fix how I always looked like shit but I could make myself look less like shit. Walking into the lounge, I completely ignored Alex. Rian gave me a smile and Zack gave me a fist pump. Following Zack off the bus, we all made our way to the stage where we would be performing shortly. A roadie handed me my guitar and I made sure it was tuned as I warmed up. Playing Therapy softly, I sang the lyrics softly to myself. Sure I couldn’t sing like Alex but I could sing a little bit.

As the time for us to go on stage neared, we did our pre-show ritual before running out on stage. The moment we hit the stage, I felt alive more alive than I had felt in days. Alex sang the first lines of the song and I did my thing. Halfway through our set, I didn’t feel so great. My head was pounding and my thigh was throbbing. It was then Alex’s time to sing therapy. As Zack, Rian and me sat side stage while he sang it, silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and Rian and Zack gave me a quick bear hug before we returned to do one last song. I did everything I could to make sure I didn’t fuck it up. When our set was over, we said bye to the crowd and ran off. The walk to the bus with sweaty clothes wasn’t the most comfortable but it wasn’t terrible. Then again, wearing a jacket in 90-degree weather isn’t the smartest.

We got to the bus and Casadee told me to take my coat off because I would get sick with it on. I refused. She looked me in the eye and said, “I know Jack, I know.” I shook my head and then buried my head in her shoulder as I cried. She held me close as she rocked me back and forth. She slipped of my jacket and saw the scars and the fresh angry lines that marked my skin. She got me a fresh clean shirt and baby wipes to clean up and then cleaned my cuts with some medicine. “Jack, I know this is hard, I know its scary and I know its tearing you apart, but you need to either confront Alex or you need to talk to someone. This isn’t healthy. I love you jack, you’re my brother and it hurts me to know you’re hurting this much and I cant do anything for you to stop the pain. I can be there for you however.”

I looked at my hands and said, “thanks.” I felt so ashamed. Someone knew my dirty little secret. “Anyways, the boys all want to go out to eat and you’re coming with us. I won’t tell them about our conversation just yet.” She said with a small smile. “I don’t want to go anywhere near either of them Cass. He’s breaking my heart and she’s rubbing it in.” she laughed and said, “fuck them. It’ll just be you, Zack, Rian and me. Maybe Matt.” I nodded. She got up, patted my head and said, “I’m going to go see where Zack and Rian want to go. I’ll be right back.” lying back down in my bunk, I sighed and stared at the bunk above me. If Cass already knew about the cutting, I wondered if she already knew about my eating habits or was on to me about them.

I heard footsteps again so I looked to see who it was. My hope was crushed of it being Cass when I saw Lisa standing there smirking. “You think you’re all high and mighty but just a few little words and you crash and burn. How pathetic. No wonder Alex could never love you you’re too pathetic. Too immature. Too fat. Bones are beautiful dear, and honey I hate to break it to you but you look like a sumo wrestler.” She’s just being mean Jack. Ignore her. She doesn’t know anything she doesn’t know you. She is just someone sent to test your will. Taking a deep breath and from a sudden confidence boost I said, “ I don’t need you and your remarks. They aren’t nice therefore you should keep them to your self.”

Laughing she said, “Honey, I’m not being mean. I’m trying to help you.” Jack doesn’t listen to her. Don’t let her in. Alex always told you to not let what people say bother you. He loves that you are so carefree. If only he really knew. You are worth more than she thinks. You are worth more than you think Jack. I am worth more than I think. “Hey stupid. Did you get lost in that head of yours? Just another reason for Alex to hate you. He already hates you because you’re gay. He likes vaginas, okay stupid. Get that through your dumb head.”

“COULD YOU FUCK OFF ALREADY? I DON’T NEED YOU AND YOUR INSULTS AND CONSTANT REMINDERS. I ALREADY KNOW I’M WORTHLESS AND A PIECE OF SHIT. JUST STOP ALREADY. Please.” I yelled at her. She immediately pretended to cry (dare I say she was a good actress) and Alex came running to her side like a dog. “What’s wrong babe? I heard yelling?” he asked with concern in his voice and apparent on his features. “Jack yelled at me and told me I was worthless. He’s constantly reminding me that I’m a piece of shit.” This bitch. Oh my god. She made me look like the bad guy. Alex immediately got in my face and said, “what the fuck Jack? Why are you being mean to my girlfriend?”

“What?! I didn’t do anything. She came in here and was telling me that I was worthless.” I said. He rolled his eyes and said, “don’t lie to me Jack. Ever since we started this tour, you’ve been acting weird. What happened to the Jack I know? Huh? The one that was supportive of my relationship. The one that cared about his best friend? Huh? He left and I don’t know you anymore. So when you happen to know where that Jack went and when he’s coming back, talk to me. Otherwise I don’t want to talk to you until the end of the next tour. Maybe then the Jack I know will be around.” and started to walk away but he stopped and turned around and continued, “oh and telling people their worthless? That’s low. After everything we stand for, you say that to someone. I’m starting to question why were even friends. I don’t want to be friends with someone who bullies others.”

He then turned and walked away. I called out as I jumped out of my bunk, “well maybe you should dump your girlfriend because she’s the bully here not me.” He turned around quickly walked up to me and said, “ Quit trying to make yourself the victim here. You are the villain. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick you out of the band right now.” I laughed and said, “This isn’t just your band Alex, its mine, Zack and Rian’s.” he shook his head and said, “I’m done. Get out. Get off this bus. You’re off this tour. You’re out of this band. I can’t deal with you anymore. You’re being a shit head and I’m done. You have twenty minutes to get off this bus before I call the cops and say you’re trespassing.”

“If that’s how it’s going to be, fine. I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted.” Turning away from him, I grabbed my bag and began to pack. Once I had everything I absolutely needed, I pulled down my pants and pissed on Alex’s bed. That’s right. I pissed on it. Serves him fucking right. I’m the victim here and he won’t believe me. Once I had everything, I walked into the lounge. I looked at Rian with a sad smile and tears in my eyes and said, “thanks for everything, it’s been great man.”He shook his head and said, “you’re not leaving. You’re in this band no matter what he says. Me and Zack want you.” I shook my head and moved to Zack, “ thanks for everything. Thank you man.” He shook his head and said, “you’re not leaving. I will block that door myself. Try me.” I went to Casadee and gave her a hug and said, “I’ll do what you suggested. I’ll try Cass I’ll try. Bye Church girl.”Alex came from the bunkroom and shouted, “REALLY? HOW FUCKING MATURE JACK.”

I laughed and flipped him off. As I was walking out, he grabbed me and turned me around. He punched me in the face a few times before Zack could pull him away. “Good bye Alex. Have a nice life. I can see how I’m not wanted in it. Too bad when you realize what really happened, it’ll be far too late. Good bye lex.”

I walked out that door knowing I’d never return. Fast walking soon turned to running and then full out sprinting. I saw the pierce the veil bus and knocked on their door. When Vic answered, he saw me in tears and pulled me in quickly. All I could do was cry as he asked me what was wrong. It took me along time to say through the sobs, “Lex kicked me… out of… the band. It wasn’t my fault. I’m innocent Vic I’m innocent but he doesn’t believe me.” I started to cry even harder. Vic held me and rocked me as I sobbed as Jaime got me some ice for my face. Jaime then got a towel and cleaned the blood from my nose. Alex landed a few good blows to my eye, lip and nose. He busted my lip a little and gave me a bloody nose and a black eye.

My phone started to go off like Crazy. Mike picked it up and answered it. He explained to Rian that I was with PTV for the night and that I would stay with him. Rian explained to Mike that I was still in the band not to worry and that Alex just needed some time to cool off. It calmed me a little bit but not enough. My breathing was still uneven and the tears still fell. Vic sang to me softly and tried to calm me down but it just wasn’t working. I started to cry harder and harder as I remembered all the times I held Alex as he cried but he never once held me; I never cried in front of him. Only on occasion did he ever see me cry.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Vic and Mike exchange a look. Mike shrugged and then went off somewhere and returned a moment later. “Jack, would you like to take a hit from my bong. It may help you calm down.” I nodded. Mike then explained to me what to do then handed me the bong. Taking a hit, I coughed and coughed and coughed for a minute or two. Mike took a hit and handed it back to me. After a few hits, I felt the weed give me the full effect. All the anxiety and panicking I felt was no longer there, I felt calm and content for the first time in a very long time. After taking several more hits, Mike put the bong away and we chilled the rest of the evening. A while later, Mike was raiding the fridge like a mad man looking for something to eat.

“Hey Jack-o-lantern do you want something to eat? I’m making something, I don’t know what yet but I’ll figure it out.” for some reason (I believe it was the weed) I started laughing and I couldn’t stop.I felt good. Vic laughed and said to Tony, “I don’t think I’ve seen him laugh in a very long time. As much as I don’t condone weed, I can see where it helps.” Mike eventually returned with some food and handed me a plate. It was a burrito, typical food on the PTV bus since Vic LOVES burritos. I slowly ate the burrito, I was hungry but I didn’t want it. I wasn’t even half way done when Mike was already done and back to raiding the fridge. I ate slowly and had to force the burrito down. Tony sat down next to me and talked to me as I ate. We talked about our favorite movies and tour adventures; it’s been a long time since I last talked to him so we caught up. It was nice to be in the moment and not worried. I felt like the old me. Tony mentioned something that was on tumblr and I laughed.

I made eye contact with Vic and then screamed, “I WANT TO FUCK THE BURRITO!”He raised an eyebrow and I then put the plate down and went hug him. He put his hands up to push me away but I got to him before he could do that and I hugged him and giggled. He hugged me back. Mike returned from like Narnia or something and had beers with him. Taking the bottle, we clicked them together and then chugged it down. By the time the sun went down, we were well into a party. After a lot of drinks (I honestly lost count after 7) I was what you called cross-faded. The weed and the beer then reacted to give you some crazy shit. Mike looked at me and said, “Are you scared Jack?” I shook my head and said, “the music is loud it makes my head feel weird.” “ It’ll go away don’t worry man.” He said and then wandered off to get another beer.


Tony, Vic and Jaime also were drinking so right now, all but Jaime was drunk. Jaime decided to be the responsible one for the night. Tony and I looked at each other and nodded. We had some sort of understanding because the next moment, we were both up and walking out of the bus, (thank god the bus wasn’t moving or this would’ve ended horribly) we then some how managed to climb up the latter and onto the roof. Vic then called out, “why are you guys on the roof?” Tony and me looked at each other and shouted at the same time, “why aren’t you on the roof?”

We then fell to our knees laughing. After a long while, we stopped laughing and calmed down and looked at the sky. We both looked at the sky in silence it was nice. We heard the engines of other buses turn on at the sound of them leave. Sitting up, I saw something I did not want to see.Alex was holding Lisa in his arms. She had her arms around his neck and he had his arms around her waist and they had their noses pressed together. To anyone who wasn’t heart broken, they would’ve been cute. But to someone in love with someone who was apart of that moment, it was devastating. It reminded me how I would never have that with him.

It was almost automatic, how it happened. I had stood up and started walking towards the edge of the railing, the end of the roof. “JACK! Jack. Jack.” I heard Tony shout. I stood at the edge and looked down at the at least 13 foot drop. After looking down, I looked out at Alex one last time and then closed my eyes. As I was about to fall, I felt arms go around my waist and pull me away. Tears then poured out of my eyes. I turned into who ever was holding me and sobbed into their shoulder. “Jack. We have to get off the roof. The bus needs to leave. Can you get down or do you need my help?” Jaime said softly. I shook my head. He then called down to Rian who was apparently on the ground and told him to stand at the later and be ready to catch me if I fall.Jaime helped me onto the later and then told me when to take a step. Once Rian had his hands on my waist, he picked me up and carried me onto the bus. Jaime got down and we all sat at the table.

Vic sat next to me on one side and Tony was on the other. Rian and Jaime sat across from us. I leaned my head on Vic’s shoulder and then started to close my eyes. Rian tapped the table and gained my attention. “Jack,” he said and then continued when he had my attention, “ You’re not out of the band. Zack, Matt and Me all voted against Alex’s vote AND we convinced him he was only thinking this way because he was mad and that if he still wanted you out of the band, you would leave at the end of the current tour.” I nodded. “And Jack, what were you thinking. I saw you up there and time almost stood still. I was so terrified you were going to fall and get hurt.”

I shrugged and said, “I didn’t mean to. It was kinda just in the moment. I didn’t realize what was happening until Jaime grabbed Me.” Rian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The bus was silent for a moment until Rian talked again saying, “Alex was pissed that you pissed in his bed. Scratch that, beyond furious. He hit you pretty well. I can’t believe he did that. I think he would’ve continued to hit you until would’ve Zack pulled him away.” that broke my heart. He would’ve beaten me lifeless unless someone pulled him away. Vic put his arm around me and side hugged me as I started to cry. Rian rubbed his eyes like he started crying to. “Don’t Cry Rian. You don’t need to.”

He looked away and then down at his hands and said, “ He’s pushed you to the edge Jack. I’ve only see you cry a few times and you’re crying. You’re the one of the strongest people I know and you’re almost at your limit. Don’t deny it Jack. I can see it in your eyes. I’m so sorry I haven’t been a good enough friend. You deserve better than what you’ve been given recently.”

I sobbed into Vic’s side. Rian thought I was strong but I’m not. I cry myself to sleep almost every night, I rip my skin apart to feel and I am just a mess. My stomach began to lurch. I looked at Mike and said, “ MOVE NOW.” he moved quickly and I got up and ran to the bathroom. I threw up all that I had eaten and what I had drank. It got all over me and most of it in the toilet thankfully (not everywhere). Rian rubbed my back as I threw up and dry heaved into the toilet. When my stomach finally stopped, Rian helped me up and flushed the toilet. He sat me on the toilet and cleaned up my face and handed me some mouth Wash.

Once the burning taste was out of my mouth, he got one of my shirts and told me to change. I looked at him and he said, “now.” I shook my head. He sighed and said, “Great, I have little Jack right now.” what he meant was that when I got drunk I had a few different personalities; there was the fun one, the horny one and the child like one. He tried to take my shirt off so I bit him. “What the fuck man?” I giggled and smiled at him. He got me on my feet and took me out of the bathroom and sat me in the hallway. Trying to take my shirt off again, I bit him again. We did this several times before he called out, “someone come help me change jack. He keeps biting me.” Jaime showed up to help him. I giggled at him. Jaime called for Tony to help him as well. Tony sat on my legs, Jaime then helped Rian pull of my shirt and put on a new one. I was terrified they’d see my scars so I did it quickly. Rian then said I should change my pants. I then shook my head no over and over and over. Apparently, I did it so many times I got my self dizzy. Tony pulled of my shoes and Rian took my belt off. They then tried to take my pants off. I got up and ran away from them. Vic was in his bunk. I quickly decided to join him. Crawling in with him, I then crawled over him and then sorta made him closer to the curtain and me next to the wall.

“Don’t let them get me Vic.” I whispered. He nodded. I closed my eyes and then pulled up the blanket and cuddled into Vic. He wrapped his arm around me and held me close. I soon fell asleep quickly and peacefully for the first time in forever

Notes

so how about that. I written it and had something else planned but then I realized I hated it. well for this part, it would've rushed things so I saved it for later on. I put in a lot of references again haha. I thought Vic and Jack were too cute. I had to make some fluff even with the rest of what happened. its a rollercoaster and it's only just started. XD

song references/ credits:
Red by Taylor Swift

anyways, how about that for a third chapter (:

A BIG THANK YOU to all those who subscribed, rated and reviewed! it means the world to me! thanks for making my day! (: review my beautifuls!
have a good week guys! love you!~Ash