You're Good At Smiling.

Watching the person you love, love someone else is devastating. It’s like betting your entire hand of cards on a single card and then losing everything to a person with a better, higher hand. Its trying to take a deep breath of fresh air but choking on dirty pollution filled air. Its losing it all and knowing you’ll never have them that slowly kills you. That they’ll never love you back. That you don’t mean half as much to them as they mean to you. That’s what my current situation is. I love someone and they’re in love with someone else. Someone who isn’t me. Someone who isn’t as fucked up as me. Someone who isn’t fat like me. Someone who isn’t a cutter like me. Someone who isn’t a whore. Someone who isn’t a guy. Someone that’s a girl. That’s the biggest part of my dilemma. I am utterly and completely in love with my male best friend. A long time ago, I was certain he felt the same. But now, he has her and I’m not so sure. She’s beautiful and thin. She has scar free skin and is “’caring’ and is a girl. More importantly, she’s not me.

Everything was good before he got back with her. He and I talked all the time, had fun and I was happy. But now, now I’m a sad, lonely, suicidal idiot who isn’t worth the shoes he wears. He was the peter pan to my Wendy. He took me away to neverland, and saved me. Being around him cleared my head of these sick thoughts, he kept me sane, he kept me, me. Now, I’m a lost boy at sea.

What hurts the most is that he’s happy with her. I’m a mess. I pretend to be happy for him, but honestly I would only smile if you cut me ear to ear. I wish it was me in he had in his arms. I wish it were me who he said I love you to. I wish it were me who had his heart. But no amount of wishing could change reality. So now, now I live in a sea of feelings and numbness. It hurts so much its numb. I want to cry, but I cant. Simply because I cried out all my tears the first time he got back with her and we are now counting this as the seventh time he’s got back with her.

Seeing him with her makes me want to die. It makes me want to wind up into a ball and cry. It’s not fair. I knew him first. I know what he likes, loves and hates. I know how he likes his coffee and what routes he takes when there’s traffic when he wants to go to the store. I know what its like to calm him during his anxiety attacks. I know how to calm him down the fastest. I know how to keep him from falling off of his path and stay sane and not broken like me. Its me who helped him the last time he got his heart broken by her. Every single time he gets hurt, whether emotionally of physically, I’m there to help him and fix him. Who do you think helped him when she broke up with him the last 6 times? Who do you think didn’t sleep for days to make sure he was okay while he slept and was awake, so that he couldn’t hurt himself. Who was it that ran himself into the ground making sure that his best friend was okay? Me. it was me who did all of it and yet he doesn’t see it. Maybe he does but doesn’t care. Maybe that’s the cruelest bit of this all, he doesn’t care.I care for him way too much.

I need him to save me from the darkest places, to save me from myself. I saved him but when I call for help, no one answers. He said he’d always be there for me but he lied. When I had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and pills in another, I called him one last time to see if he’d answer. I don’t know why I called. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer. If it weren’t for my sister coming and dropping something off that my mom wanted me to take on tour, I’d be dead. I would be where I wanted to be but she stopped me. She told me he wasn’t worth dying over. I told her, “with me dead, he’d never have to worry about me again, not that he does.”

I made her cry. She had tears streaming out of her eyes and she held onto me and started to sob.The one person who she never thought would try to ever take their life, tried to take their life. Everyone thinks I’m happy, that I’m in a good place. They’ve never been so wrong. If you think Alex wrote therapy alone, you are wrong. If you thought Alex was the one who had been broken the worst and needed fixing the most, you were wrong.

I Jack Bassam Barakat am utterly and completely in love with Alexander William Gaskarth, so much that it’s slowly killing me.

Notes

hello!!!! I'm Ashestoashes13. I write on several other band sites and I am now taking my chance on this one. I wrote several stories on the black veil brides and pierce the veil site. this is my first all time low story. this is based a little bit on something I experienced (fell in love while he fell into another girl's arms while I thought we stood a chance but nope.) so yeah, comment let me know what you think. what you like. rate and subscribe! (:

-Ash