I don’t remember passing out in the bathroom, but I must have because I woke up to hear my mom and dad fighting over something. I couldn’t make out the words though, I was so dizzy. I sat up and felt pain in my hip area. I looked down and everything came back in a rush, the divorce, the shower, and the blade. The sweet kiss of steal I hadn’t felt in years was back.

I looked down and could see dried blood down my leg and on my stomach. When I moved to sit up some of it came off and started bleeding anew. Everything hurt. I couldn’t even tell how many cuts there were, I lost track after 20 something.

I got up slowly and started cleaning up my mess. First I cleaned all my cuts, which burned like a bitch, then wrapped them in medical gauze. I cleaned up the blood off the floor and cleaned my blade. I wrapped it back up and put it back in the sock, knowing I would probably use it later. I slowly put my shirt back on and snuck back to my room. I put the razor up and laid on my bed. I looked at the clock and it said 8:15. I must have passed out for three hours.

I faintly heard the phone ring and someone answer it. I heard my dad yell my name telling me that it was Jack. I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head to pretend I was asleep. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, including my best friend. My dad peaked his head in then went back to the phone and told him I was asleep.

I kept drifting in and out of sleep until about 4 am. I kept waking up in cold sweat from nightmares. First it was of my parents. My dad died in a plane crash on his way back to England, and my mom died in a car crash and I was left an orphan. Then another one I was homeless, one was Jack had even left me. However, the worst one by far was of Tom.
I kept having to re-watch his death. The chair, the rope, watching the life drain from his eyes and not being able to do a damn thing about it! No one knows this but I was there when it happened. I watched his dying breaths; I saw the life leave his eyes. Once he realized that I was in there, he fought, he fought for life so I wouldn’t have to see that, but by then it was too late. I saw him mouth the words “I’m sorry I love you Lex” then a tear rolled down his cheek. I ran out of the house screaming, I was supposed to be playing at our neighbors house, but I had came home to grab a new shirt because mine had juice spilled on it. That’s when I saw it. The neighbors heard me scream and came rushing out, I couldn’t talk, and all I could do was point to the house. They went in and saw him, hanging there lifeless. The cops were called and my parents were notified. I watched them carry out my big brother on the stretcher in the body bag. My mother was crying un-controllably and my father was trying to keep it together. I was so numb.

In my nightmares he was begging for me to save him and I was always out of reach. In another one he blamed me for not saving him. In all of them they ended the same, he was dead and I was alone. I refused to go back to bed after that. I sat up and felt something wet on my side. I pulled my shirt up and looked down; I had bled through the gauze. I got up quietly and went to the bathroom to clean up and put more gauze on.

I decided to take a shower since I wouldn’t be going back to bed. I turned the water on super-hot, stripped down and got in. I stood there and let the water wash over me, numb to the heat. I thought about the choice my parents had given me.

Did I want to stay here with all my friends or go back home with my dad and family and be closer to Tom? It was so unfair! I had already lost my brother, and now one of my parents to. I felt like I was losing control. I started crying. I’m not sure how long I was in the shower for but eventually the water ran cold and I got out I re-wrapped the gauze and put my clothes back on and went into the office and booted up the computer.

When it was finally ready I got on my IM and pulled up Jacks name.

AlexanderG- Hey I need to talk to you, please come over after school?

I looked at the time, it was 5:47 in the morning, he would be up in about an hour to do his hair and get ready so I know he would see it. I looked at my inbox and saw I had some missed IM’s.

JaseyBabe- Hey Alex what’s going on? Jack just told me you won’t be at school and canceled practice! Talk to me!

I ignored it, I didn’t feel like explaining. I went to the next one.

BeatMakerYann- Hey dude Jack told me about your parents, I’m sorry to hear that! You know we got your back bro! Take all the time you need.

Next.

ZackAttack- Hey Jack told me about what happened and just wanted you to know my family and I are here for you bro!

Next.

SexGod- Alexander Gaskarth you better not leave me hanging!
Alex!
Lex!
Alex I swear to God I will come and get you
Answer my phone calls!
Fine ignore me!

Next.

Maria- Hey Alexander, Jack told me what happened. I am so sorry; I know that it is a hard thing to deal with. I know that you don’t know my whole story but you do know my parents spilt also. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and even though we aren’t that close, I am here for you, even if it is just for a shoulder to cry on. It’s not an easy process to make it through. Jack also told me about your brother so I know this must be even harder, losing him and now your parents breaking up. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. My parents split caused me a lot of depression and I have to take meds and go see counseling. That’s not something I tell everyone, but you can’t always be happy, you are going to have to let the grief out, and I am here for you if you ever want it. Alexander you are like a brother to Jack and so in turn you are like a brother to me. You guys make me so happy, really happy. Thanks to you guys I know what it’s like to really be truly happy. The way you are going to make it through this is by surrounding yourself with friends who care for you, and I just want you to know that I care, as does Jack. He was so worried after you got called out and when you didn’t answer his phone calls. He called me in a panic after your message. We really do care Alexander and I know you are strong enough to make it through this, I have faith in you. <3

I was shocked. I hadn’t expected anything like that from her. I knew her and my best friend were in love with each other, but I didn’t think she cared that much for me. I felt tears coming on again. I typed a quick reply.

AlexanderG- I have some stuff to talk about with Jack after school, if you want to come you can. And thanks for that it really means a lot to me. You helped me more than you know.


What she said had struck a nerve, thanks to her I had made up my mind.

Notes

I am so sorry guys but it had to be done, please dont hate me forever? It will get better soon! And please dont cry?
Okay you can cry, I almost cried writing it!
Heres a happy Alex to make up for it!!
Sorry! I love you though!!

xoxo