Guts

We got into the car and no one said a word. I kept looking back and forth between them but all I got was the back of their heads. I could feel the tension. It was the longest drive home ever. We got home and I kept begging them to tell me what was wrong. We sat down in the living room and my father drew a shaky breath. Now I will never forget this moment, it is etched in my brain as long as I live.

My father, “Son, there is no easy way to say this,” *shaky breath* “but I am going back to England.”
*Cue my mother crying *

Father speaking, “ Also your mother and I are getting a divorce, with your brothers passing it is just to hard on us, on our marriage. I want to move back and be closer to my family and your brother. Your mother had decided to stay. I don’t want you to think that we didn’t try to make this work, we tried counseling and it just didn’t help. Also I don’t want you to feel like this is your fault, its something we had to do on our own. We know you have made friends here and might not want to leave, so we are going to leave the decision up to you. You can stay or come back to England with me. I will be leaving in a week so that will give you some time. We don’t want you to feel like you have to choose sides though. However you choose we will find a way to see you and visit. Your mother and I don’t hate each other, but we just aren’t happy. But we love you and want you to be happy.”

My world just went upside down. I felt so numb. What had I just heard? Divorce!! I thought everything was okay? They went out once a week on dates, wait that’s where they were going? Marriage counseling? Why couldn’t they have told me? Why couldn’t they say anything before it got to this? I think my father or mother was saying something to me but I couldn’t understand. I just got up and walked into my room. I sat in my closet and opened a box. I pulled out a shirt and a picture frame. It was of Tom and it was his shirt, his favorite one and it still smelled of him.

I started crying, not just sobs, but full blown body shaking sobs that racked my whole body. First I lost my best friend/brother, and now my parents too? And on top of that I had an ultimatum, go back to England and be with my family, or stay here with my new friends and my mother. This so wasn’t fair!

I had no idea how long I sat in my closet and cried but eventually I ran out of tears. The shirt was soaked. I returned it and the picture back to the box and exited the closet. I couldn’t hear anything in the house so I just assumed dad was out and mom was in her room crying or asleep.

I went to our office room and logged onto our computer. It took forever, but eventually the dial up connected and I went online to my messenger. Jack was online, just the person I wanted to talk to.

SexGod-Hey Lex what happened?!!?!?!
AlexanderG- My parents are getting a divorce :..(
SexGod- What?!?! Dude I’m coming over!
AlexanderG- No I just need to be alone, I just wanted to say I won’t be at school tomorrow and to cancel band practice. I have some thinking to do. I’m sorry.

He started to type a reply but I shut off the machine before I could see what he said. I took a shaky breath and headed to my room. I went to my top drawer and pulled out a sock that was in the very back. It hadn’t been touched since I moved here but I kept it there for times like these. It was my go to and I had no where else to go. So far my anti-depressants had been doing the job, but not with something like this.

Clutching the sock to my chest I walked to the backroom and locked the door. I turned on the shower to the hottest setting and took off my clothes. I held my breath and got under the scalding water. After about two minutes I jumped out, burnt and sweaty and grabbed the sock. I reached inside and grabbed a wad of toilet paper that was nestled inside. I unwrapped it and grabbed something I thought I would never use again.


The shiny silver of the razor seemed so inviting; I could feel my skin aching for the sweet kiss of steel.

Notes

Im sorry, I bet you guys hate me now, but its all part of the plan! Just stick with me!
I love you!!

xoxo ^.^