I froze up as soon as i got outside, i keep telling myself you can do this, you can do this, you can do this, do it for Zack, do it Alex, Do it for me, you can't let them down. You have to do it, please just move body, just move but nothing, i couldn't move my legs wouldn't carry me further than my doorstep, i kept pushing myself. My body wouldn't co-operate.
After half an hour of trying to move my legs carried me in a different direction, the direction of the door, the next thing i knew, I was a heap on my bed, a crying heap of nothing, who couldn't even take herself outside. I'm nothing. I looked over to that pretty little draw that held all of my secrets. My tears. My pain. My life. The voices in my head were saying 'Do it ivy, you know you want to, no one cares. Do it, Just do it. We care about you, they can help.' The sad thing is my head was right they can help. They don't fix me but they help me get there, when i go wrong i can count on them. I thought to myself one little cut wont hurt me, i'll be fine, i can control the blade. If i want to stop i can just stop. I walked over to the draw to look for the delicate shiny, blade when i found it picked it up and analyzed it for a minute, know that this little thing could help me so much, it scared me.
I took my body into the bathroom, with each cut i made i whispered to myself 'nothing, nothing, nothing' i looked down at my bloody thigh and looked at the newly made cuts, knowing i was going to regret it tonight. i washed the blade and then took myself into the shower to clean my leg, i cried in pain as the water mixed with the crimson blood, when i got out of the shower i found a bandage in my cupboard and gently wrapped it around my thigh hoping that it would take some of the pain away, i checked my phone to see that it had been almost two hours since i went out of the house, i got changed into my pajamas, just before my phone went off i saw it was Zack, which reminded me of earlier i broke into light sobs again and i left it to ring 5 times before i got the courage to answer. Before i could even say hello Zack, clearly in panic.
"Ivy, are you okay?"
"Why does it sound like i am?"
I said sarcastically
"No what's wrong?"
"I couldn't do it Zack i took a step outside for half an hour, i pushed myself to walk but my legs couldn't carry me, they just wouldn't move. I'm sorry
I let you down, I've let everyone down. I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
I whispered the words 'i'm sorry' over and over until he spoke again.
"Listen ivy, you are strong i know you are, it's going to be okay, you just took the first step tomorrow do it again, and the next day, keep doing it, until one day you'll be able to walk into town, make new friends. Meet new people, you have not let me down at all, i believe in you like everyone else. We all know you can do it, don't think for one minute that we are disappointed you tried, now you just have to keep trying until you can do it. I know you can I believe in you. We love you. I love you, you are wonderful ivy, you are strong."
I thought back to the fresh cuts i just made, how am i strong i just gave into myself again.
"Zack i'm scared"
"I know you are sweetie, I am to. This is something you have to do for yourself. I know you can do it, prove it to yourself that you can. I promise it will make you happy, you'll realize that you can do a lot more. Please don't be scared nothing out there can hurt you. I wont let it. I promise you.
"what it you can't stop it, what if i get hurt."
This thought scared me more than anything the fact that even my brother couldn't save me
"You wont. Ivy please you can't think like this, please"
"Okay i'll try Zack, i'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"Okay Zack, i love you thank you"
"anything, if you ever need me, i'm here you know i am."
"I know i'm just being silly"
"Nothing you do is silly sis, not to me anyway, i'd be proud of you if you told me to fuck off"
I laughed at the though of me telling him to fuck off, this turned my mood upwards
"I'd never tell you to fuck off bro."
"It's nice to hear you laugh, but i have to go we have to go sound check, i love you darling, keep trying i'll ring you later"

---

I was taking in everything Zack had said to me, he believe's in me. I wish i believed in me he thinks i could do it, he thinks i could one day just walk out of the house and be okay with that? Why can't i think that about myself? I can never dream of me walking out of this house on my own. To fight the world. I'm still just fighting myself. I plan to do what Zack told me, everyday just take another step out of the door, i don't know why i'm so scared. I don't know why i'm still scared to get away from this house. What if something takes me running back here and back to my blade. I want to go out. I'm scared.
I'm not ready. I don't care about promising Alex, why should my life be in his hands, why should he tell me what to do. I want to be in this house. I heard Auntie Carol call me to come downstairs. I slowly get up from the comfort of my bed wipe the mascara that had fell to my face, put on my best fake smile and walk down the stairs to greet the women that looks so much like my mother.
"Can i help you auntie?"
"I heard you come back in i thought you were going out?"
"I deiced it was to hot, so i came back"
I got good at being fake
"Okay, well i was thinking of making cheese sandwiches for lunch"
"Yeah that sounds good"
I smile
"then cheese sandwiches it is, i'll call you down in a little bit"
"Okay, that's cool"
I walked back into my bedroom and realize i hadn't cleaned up the space in which i'd sat in the bathroom so i grab the toilet paper placing under the tap and started scrubbing the floor to get rid of a few drops of blood from when i let it run. I looked at the tissue and let a tear fall down my face. Why did i give in, when did i Ivy Merrick become so weak.

Notes

So this is the second part, how do you think she reacted? should she have gone out?
I hope you enjoyed this
I put both chapters up today, because i have another busy weekend
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It would be nice to hear from more of my readers again thank you
Lots of love
-Kay
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