Breaking Down Walls.
Twenty-Eight
IVY
As I wake up I look over to the clock, the red digits screaming out to me that it’s 6am. We are all leaving for tour today we managed to make enough money to leave our homes behind and sit in a van for 3 weeks. I know that Alex wants me to go and Zack but I think I’d rather stay home and wait. I don’t know what I am waiting for anymore. Everything is going back to feeling numb I don’t know if I have any emotion anymore. It’s only been 1 week since I came back from the hospital and part of it has been fun but for the last 2 days I can’t help but feel shit. I saw a ‘for sale’ sign outside of Dylan’s house, he’s leaving soon apparently. I have to pretend I don’t care for my own sanity but I wish he would just come over and hang out with me, he could tell me about how is mom is and I could tell him how I’m getting on, I freaked him out to much. He can’t deal with me. I wish I wasn’t so messed up maybe then I would still have had a friend. Alex keeps telling me he’s just stupid and he doesn’t know what he’s lost. I can’t see it. He hasn't lost anything.
No because Ivy you’re nothing always have and always will be.
Ignoring my horrible thoughts I quickly jump in the shower, getting ready to leave for tour. I straighten out my hair and put my makeup on throwing on one of Alex’s shirts that he left here and grab my shorts. I hear Zack calling my name
As I get to the bottom step I take a breath realizing this will be the first proper time I’ve ever really left my house for this amount of time. I look straight at Zack I feel my eyes start to water, I ignored it. Apparently Zack didn’t.
“Ivy why are you crying what’s wrong?”
“Nothing I want to talk about Zack”
“Well I want to talk about it”
“No”
“Please just tell me, I can’t stand seeing you cry”
“Okay, can we go sit down?”
“Of course”
I couldn’t see Zack upset over me anymore.
“Well then what is it?”
“This house is my comfort Zone Zack, it’s the only time I ever feel like I’m with mom and dad. Now I’m leaving it to go on a tour with you, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Where am I going to go if I feel panicked? It’s freaking me out, I know it’s silly but I’ve always spoke to them when I feel numb. I can’t do that on tour. I can’t do that when I step out of that door. In fact I can’t do anything once I’ve left here. I miss them Zack…Why now? Why did they have to leave us when we needed them most?”
I said the last bit cuddle up in Zack’s arms crying.
“Shh Ivy it’s okay I know what you’re feeling this house hold our memories, the happy times and the shitty ones, It will always be our place to go when we are feeling stressed or a bit down. One day though Ivy this won’t be our house anymore. We are going to have to learn to live without them, but there’s one place where they will always be and no one can take it away from us. Our hearts and our heads. You don’t need to be here to talk to them or just to feel like they are with you. Because no doubt they are with us every day, I miss them too Ivy, but when life throws things at you have to learn to live with it, and I know you will someday. Maybe not right now, but I promise you with my help we will do this. We will get through it. So let’s go on this tour, be loud and just have fun and when we get back we can start talking to each other a little bit more than we do…Because I miss you Ivy, I don’t mean the Ivy that stays in her room and doesn’t really talk to anyone. I mean the fun Ivy the one with a smile always on her face always talking to people and I miss you being strong and helping me beat the guys up. I love you more than anything Ivy. Never give up again okay?”
That was the first time I’ve ever heard Zack talk like that about something, I didn’t know what to say so I nodded at him linking my little finger with his. Smiling. Maybe I am ready to be the old Ivy, maybe I’m ready to move on from last year, I didn’t have time to think negative about it. We various knocks on the door meaning the guys were here and that we had to leave.
When we were in the next city, I slowly began to wake up not knowing how long we had been driving for. I saw Alex sat next to me looking over, he leaned in to my ear.
“I haven’t taken you on a proper date, come to dinner with me?”
It was more of a statement rather than a question, I looked around to see Zack looking at Alex,and my thoughts worried me. What if he heard what Alex had said? He wasn’t that silent. I had to stop worrying, If Zack finds out there’s not much we can do. I’m not sure why I was so worried about him knowing, he knows me and Alex had been close for years, Alex has always looked after me and not once has he hurt me. Maybe Zack would be happy for us the way that Jack is. We could only hope.
“You coming then Ivy?”
“Yeah sure”
“Guys we are going out I want to take Ivy around the City for a bit”
I heard a few byes, I knew that I could leave.
“So where are we going to”
“I’m not sure, anywhere that looks good”
“Okay”
Alex puts his hand in mine and slowly walks next to me, He looks like he’s thinking about something. Probably ending it with you.
“Ivy, what if we told everyone about us? I know it’s only been a week but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it to myself”
“I don’t know Alex, What if they don’t like the Idea, what if Zack hates you for it?”
“They will like the Idea. We’ve known each other for so long, Zack wouldn’t hate me at all. If he hasn’t seen the hints that I’ve liked you for so long then he’s stupid. It was always really obvious”
We were now sat on a bench in the middle of the town.
“I’m just not sure, I want to tell them I really do but I don’t like the thought of Zack killing you”
“Stop worrying about it, Do you trust me?”
“Yes”
“Then trust me when I say, I want to be with you more than anything, but I want the whole world to know I want your brother to be a part of this, I want him to know how much I’ve wanted this. He needs to know that I wouldn’t ever hurt you. I can’t stay on a van with you and try not to cuddle with you and kiss you. They need to know”
“Okay”
Of course I wanted them to know, but I wish I had a few more weeks to tell them, but I couldn’t let Alex struggle to not tell them. Maybe it was good to take risks.
“So we can tell them”
“Yes, but not right now. I’m waiting to go on this date with you”
“Well then follow me”
As I wake up I look over to the clock, the red digits screaming out to me that it’s 6am. We are all leaving for tour today we managed to make enough money to leave our homes behind and sit in a van for 3 weeks. I know that Alex wants me to go and Zack but I think I’d rather stay home and wait. I don’t know what I am waiting for anymore. Everything is going back to feeling numb I don’t know if I have any emotion anymore. It’s only been 1 week since I came back from the hospital and part of it has been fun but for the last 2 days I can’t help but feel shit. I saw a ‘for sale’ sign outside of Dylan’s house, he’s leaving soon apparently. I have to pretend I don’t care for my own sanity but I wish he would just come over and hang out with me, he could tell me about how is mom is and I could tell him how I’m getting on, I freaked him out to much. He can’t deal with me. I wish I wasn’t so messed up maybe then I would still have had a friend. Alex keeps telling me he’s just stupid and he doesn’t know what he’s lost. I can’t see it. He hasn't lost anything.
No because Ivy you’re nothing always have and always will be.
Ignoring my horrible thoughts I quickly jump in the shower, getting ready to leave for tour. I straighten out my hair and put my makeup on throwing on one of Alex’s shirts that he left here and grab my shorts. I hear Zack calling my name
As I get to the bottom step I take a breath realizing this will be the first proper time I’ve ever really left my house for this amount of time. I look straight at Zack I feel my eyes start to water, I ignored it. Apparently Zack didn’t.
“Ivy why are you crying what’s wrong?”
“Nothing I want to talk about Zack”
“Well I want to talk about it”
“No”
“Please just tell me, I can’t stand seeing you cry”
“Okay, can we go sit down?”
“Of course”
I couldn’t see Zack upset over me anymore.
“Well then what is it?”
“This house is my comfort Zone Zack, it’s the only time I ever feel like I’m with mom and dad. Now I’m leaving it to go on a tour with you, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Where am I going to go if I feel panicked? It’s freaking me out, I know it’s silly but I’ve always spoke to them when I feel numb. I can’t do that on tour. I can’t do that when I step out of that door. In fact I can’t do anything once I’ve left here. I miss them Zack…Why now? Why did they have to leave us when we needed them most?”
I said the last bit cuddle up in Zack’s arms crying.
“Shh Ivy it’s okay I know what you’re feeling this house hold our memories, the happy times and the shitty ones, It will always be our place to go when we are feeling stressed or a bit down. One day though Ivy this won’t be our house anymore. We are going to have to learn to live without them, but there’s one place where they will always be and no one can take it away from us. Our hearts and our heads. You don’t need to be here to talk to them or just to feel like they are with you. Because no doubt they are with us every day, I miss them too Ivy, but when life throws things at you have to learn to live with it, and I know you will someday. Maybe not right now, but I promise you with my help we will do this. We will get through it. So let’s go on this tour, be loud and just have fun and when we get back we can start talking to each other a little bit more than we do…Because I miss you Ivy, I don’t mean the Ivy that stays in her room and doesn’t really talk to anyone. I mean the fun Ivy the one with a smile always on her face always talking to people and I miss you being strong and helping me beat the guys up. I love you more than anything Ivy. Never give up again okay?”
That was the first time I’ve ever heard Zack talk like that about something, I didn’t know what to say so I nodded at him linking my little finger with his. Smiling. Maybe I am ready to be the old Ivy, maybe I’m ready to move on from last year, I didn’t have time to think negative about it. We various knocks on the door meaning the guys were here and that we had to leave.
When we were in the next city, I slowly began to wake up not knowing how long we had been driving for. I saw Alex sat next to me looking over, he leaned in to my ear.
“I haven’t taken you on a proper date, come to dinner with me?”
It was more of a statement rather than a question, I looked around to see Zack looking at Alex,and my thoughts worried me. What if he heard what Alex had said? He wasn’t that silent. I had to stop worrying, If Zack finds out there’s not much we can do. I’m not sure why I was so worried about him knowing, he knows me and Alex had been close for years, Alex has always looked after me and not once has he hurt me. Maybe Zack would be happy for us the way that Jack is. We could only hope.
“You coming then Ivy?”
“Yeah sure”
“Guys we are going out I want to take Ivy around the City for a bit”
I heard a few byes, I knew that I could leave.
“So where are we going to”
“I’m not sure, anywhere that looks good”
“Okay”
Alex puts his hand in mine and slowly walks next to me, He looks like he’s thinking about something. Probably ending it with you.
“Ivy, what if we told everyone about us? I know it’s only been a week but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it to myself”
“I don’t know Alex, What if they don’t like the Idea, what if Zack hates you for it?”
“They will like the Idea. We’ve known each other for so long, Zack wouldn’t hate me at all. If he hasn’t seen the hints that I’ve liked you for so long then he’s stupid. It was always really obvious”
We were now sat on a bench in the middle of the town.
“I’m just not sure, I want to tell them I really do but I don’t like the thought of Zack killing you”
“Stop worrying about it, Do you trust me?”
“Yes”
“Then trust me when I say, I want to be with you more than anything, but I want the whole world to know I want your brother to be a part of this, I want him to know how much I’ve wanted this. He needs to know that I wouldn’t ever hurt you. I can’t stay on a van with you and try not to cuddle with you and kiss you. They need to know”
“Okay”
Of course I wanted them to know, but I wish I had a few more weeks to tell them, but I couldn’t let Alex struggle to not tell them. Maybe it was good to take risks.
“So we can tell them”
“Yes, but not right now. I’m waiting to go on this date with you”
“Well then follow me”
Notes
-Kay
Hops on black Pegasus of rainbow feels to ride next story
9/6/14