Breaking Down Walls.
Twenty-Seven
A L E X
I know that she wouldn’t get better straight away, but she was doing so well. I couldn’t help but get emotional about it I hadn’t protected her enough I wasn’t there when she needed me, I hope that if there is going to be a next time then I will be able to stop her. In fact I don’t even hope I will be there.
We’ve been downstairs disusing the tour situation for the past twenty minutes but I can’t focus not one bit all I can focus on is the girl sat to the right of me and how she is feeling right now. I want to cuddle her but I know I can’t. She looks straight at me with a questioning look written all over her face and nods over to Zack, I look around to see everyone just staring at me.
“Do you mind not eye-fucking my sister gaskarth?”
“You would rather that than him actually fucking her right though Zack?”
“No I would prefer neither thank you Rian”
“So-Sorry dude, I was checking she was okay”
“Have you even been listening to anything Alex?”
“No, Jack I haven’t what’s going on?”
“Well we just spoke about the fact that Ivy will be coming on tour with us but, Matt said we might not be able to go back onto tour”
“Wait not going back on tour? Why the fucking hell not?”
“Well if Ivy comes with us that’s more money that we all don’t have”
“Hello right here!” Ivy shouts
“If I’m going to make everything worse then don’t bother, I won’t go on tour with you. I’ll be fine here on my own”
“That’s what you said last time” I turn and say to her
“Fuck off Alex, you don’t know anything about what happened. I do one stupid thing and now I have to have a baby sitter. I can’t deal with this anymore I can’t ever be on my own, It’s either I have you or Zack around me every fucking minute”
“Well I’m sorry.”
Ivy ran upstairs and everything just went quiet, I think everyone felt bad it’s true we haven’t left her alone but it’s not to be annoying at all, we just want her to be okay and for her to really get better and there was no way we were leaving her here for three weeks again, we just won’t go back on tour until we get the money to do it.
“Guys maybe she’s right she could be okay on her own why don’t we just see”
“Jack please don’t tell me you’re seriously thinking about that!”
He looked at me, trying to get me to calm down before I slipped up.
“Jack, Alex is right we can’t leave her I refuse to let my sister do this alone again”
I V Y
I know that I over reacted, I also know I can’t be alone again. Not after today I can’t look after myself and in a strange way I enjoy all of their company but storming up stairs was the right choice, all I want now is for Alex to come upstairs and hold me whilst I cry and tell him I can’t deal with it on my own again, I want them all here for me but after 10 minutes of waiting it didn’t happen, It was worrying me maybe he won’t come back upstairs maybe he will just leave me like Dylan did. I know that I’m not good enough for anyone, I’m not skinny enough for Alex I’ve got way to many scars to be with a guy like him, Rian and Jack all deserve a better friend and Zack deserves a better sister, part of me wishes I never woke up, maybe I was never meant to,then why did you I fought to much to be alive when all I want to be was dead, now as I stand in my bathroom staring at the thing that could stop all of my pain. A hand gently lifts the tool out of my hand and turns me around.
“Ivy no, you’re better than this tell me what’s wrong”
“No Rian I’m not better than this, I need this no one will ever understand how much I want this now, unlike before I don’t think I was ready but right now I couldn’t be more prepared”
“You dare fucking leave us again Ivy, look at how many people love you, look at Alex he needs you Ivy and your brother, fuck. What is he supposed to do without you! He’d blame himself for not being there, and not talking to you about how you felt. You don’t need this Ivy you’re so much better than this.”
That’s when I broke down for the third time today, Rians arms went around me and brought me to the floor where he just hugged me. He stayed silent and let me cry on him.
“Ivy please don’t leave. I’m not going to ask you to promise me because I know how hard this is for you, just please be okay”
“Thank you Rian I’m sorry okay? But right now I just want to go to sleep if that’s alright?”
“Of course it is, do you need me to get anyone for you?”
“Yes, I think I need to say sorry to Alex”
“Okay, goodnight love”
“Night Ri”
I had no idea if Rian was going to tell Alex what had happened I hope for my own sake that he didn’t I really wouldn’t want anyone to judge me anymore.
After about 5 minutes of waiting for Alex to come and see me, I felt like it was never going to happen. Maybe it wouldn’t, just maybe what we have is over I hate my head when it thinks too much. The voices start to come back and I really couldn’t take that right now.
There was a knock on my door, probably coming to tell me that Alex had gone on home and he doesn’t want to talk to me Yeah probably Ivy
“Um..Can I come in Ivy?”
My heart jumped, I heard the voice and my fear had gone away
“Of course you can”
“Hey Rian said you needed to talk to me”
“I’m sorry Alex, I didn’t mean to have ago at anyone. I can’t take it anymore, I feel like I’m a complete disappointment I’m holding you all back, you guys need to go on that tour”
“No Ivy we really don’t. yes, I’m not going to stand here and lie I would love to go on tour but you know what I’d also love?”To not be with you anymore
“Going to a party”Would be better than being with you
“You’re wrong I’d much rather lay beside you right now, turn on your TV and find either a film or a show to watch with you, I don’t want to go on this tour without you in fact I don’t want to be without you. I’m not just here to babysit you Ivy I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to be without you anymore than I have to be you’re my best friend and girlfriend there’s no one else I want to spend time with than you. Please believe me”
“Then why are you still standing up? Thank you Alex, you really mean a lot to me I’m scared to get better but I think I’m getting to the point that I’m ready and it’s because of everyone here”
“I have no idea why I’m still stood here love, and you don’t have to thank us and you should know that by now silly”
I watched Alex’s body move around the bed to turn the TV on
“TV or DVD?”
“TV, I don’t want to watch it really, I’m tired”
“Okay TV it is”
Alex climbed in the bed beside me and his first reaction was to pull me onto his chest and kiss the top of my head, I listened to his heart beat and watched his chest rise up and down, I think I was learning to love someone, and it might just be Alex.
I know that she wouldn’t get better straight away, but she was doing so well. I couldn’t help but get emotional about it I hadn’t protected her enough I wasn’t there when she needed me, I hope that if there is going to be a next time then I will be able to stop her. In fact I don’t even hope I will be there.
We’ve been downstairs disusing the tour situation for the past twenty minutes but I can’t focus not one bit all I can focus on is the girl sat to the right of me and how she is feeling right now. I want to cuddle her but I know I can’t. She looks straight at me with a questioning look written all over her face and nods over to Zack, I look around to see everyone just staring at me.
“Do you mind not eye-fucking my sister gaskarth?”
“You would rather that than him actually fucking her right though Zack?”
“No I would prefer neither thank you Rian”
“So-Sorry dude, I was checking she was okay”
“Have you even been listening to anything Alex?”
“No, Jack I haven’t what’s going on?”
“Well we just spoke about the fact that Ivy will be coming on tour with us but, Matt said we might not be able to go back onto tour”
“Wait not going back on tour? Why the fucking hell not?”
“Well if Ivy comes with us that’s more money that we all don’t have”
“Hello right here!” Ivy shouts
“If I’m going to make everything worse then don’t bother, I won’t go on tour with you. I’ll be fine here on my own”
“That’s what you said last time” I turn and say to her
“Fuck off Alex, you don’t know anything about what happened. I do one stupid thing and now I have to have a baby sitter. I can’t deal with this anymore I can’t ever be on my own, It’s either I have you or Zack around me every fucking minute”
“Well I’m sorry.”
Ivy ran upstairs and everything just went quiet, I think everyone felt bad it’s true we haven’t left her alone but it’s not to be annoying at all, we just want her to be okay and for her to really get better and there was no way we were leaving her here for three weeks again, we just won’t go back on tour until we get the money to do it.
“Guys maybe she’s right she could be okay on her own why don’t we just see”
“Jack please don’t tell me you’re seriously thinking about that!”
He looked at me, trying to get me to calm down before I slipped up.
“Jack, Alex is right we can’t leave her I refuse to let my sister do this alone again”
I V Y
I know that I over reacted, I also know I can’t be alone again. Not after today I can’t look after myself and in a strange way I enjoy all of their company but storming up stairs was the right choice, all I want now is for Alex to come upstairs and hold me whilst I cry and tell him I can’t deal with it on my own again, I want them all here for me but after 10 minutes of waiting it didn’t happen, It was worrying me maybe he won’t come back upstairs maybe he will just leave me like Dylan did. I know that I’m not good enough for anyone, I’m not skinny enough for Alex I’ve got way to many scars to be with a guy like him, Rian and Jack all deserve a better friend and Zack deserves a better sister, part of me wishes I never woke up, maybe I was never meant to,then why did you I fought to much to be alive when all I want to be was dead, now as I stand in my bathroom staring at the thing that could stop all of my pain. A hand gently lifts the tool out of my hand and turns me around.
“Ivy no, you’re better than this tell me what’s wrong”
“No Rian I’m not better than this, I need this no one will ever understand how much I want this now, unlike before I don’t think I was ready but right now I couldn’t be more prepared”
“You dare fucking leave us again Ivy, look at how many people love you, look at Alex he needs you Ivy and your brother, fuck. What is he supposed to do without you! He’d blame himself for not being there, and not talking to you about how you felt. You don’t need this Ivy you’re so much better than this.”
That’s when I broke down for the third time today, Rians arms went around me and brought me to the floor where he just hugged me. He stayed silent and let me cry on him.
“Ivy please don’t leave. I’m not going to ask you to promise me because I know how hard this is for you, just please be okay”
“Thank you Rian I’m sorry okay? But right now I just want to go to sleep if that’s alright?”
“Of course it is, do you need me to get anyone for you?”
“Yes, I think I need to say sorry to Alex”
“Okay, goodnight love”
“Night Ri”
I had no idea if Rian was going to tell Alex what had happened I hope for my own sake that he didn’t I really wouldn’t want anyone to judge me anymore.
After about 5 minutes of waiting for Alex to come and see me, I felt like it was never going to happen. Maybe it wouldn’t, just maybe what we have is over I hate my head when it thinks too much. The voices start to come back and I really couldn’t take that right now.
There was a knock on my door, probably coming to tell me that Alex had gone on home and he doesn’t want to talk to me Yeah probably Ivy
“Um..Can I come in Ivy?”
My heart jumped, I heard the voice and my fear had gone away
“Of course you can”
“Hey Rian said you needed to talk to me”
“I’m sorry Alex, I didn’t mean to have ago at anyone. I can’t take it anymore, I feel like I’m a complete disappointment I’m holding you all back, you guys need to go on that tour”
“No Ivy we really don’t. yes, I’m not going to stand here and lie I would love to go on tour but you know what I’d also love?”To not be with you anymore
“Going to a party”Would be better than being with you
“You’re wrong I’d much rather lay beside you right now, turn on your TV and find either a film or a show to watch with you, I don’t want to go on this tour without you in fact I don’t want to be without you. I’m not just here to babysit you Ivy I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to be without you anymore than I have to be you’re my best friend and girlfriend there’s no one else I want to spend time with than you. Please believe me”
“Then why are you still standing up? Thank you Alex, you really mean a lot to me I’m scared to get better but I think I’m getting to the point that I’m ready and it’s because of everyone here”
“I have no idea why I’m still stood here love, and you don’t have to thank us and you should know that by now silly”
I watched Alex’s body move around the bed to turn the TV on
“TV or DVD?”
“TV, I don’t want to watch it really, I’m tired”
“Okay TV it is”
Alex climbed in the bed beside me and his first reaction was to pull me onto his chest and kiss the top of my head, I listened to his heart beat and watched his chest rise up and down, I think I was learning to love someone, and it might just be Alex.
Notes
It's taken awhile again i'm sorry!!!
Went to BMTH&PTV last Saturday and I felt the need to write
This story isn't getting as many comments as it used to maybe some of you should come and tell me what you think!
-Kay
Hops on black Pegasus of rainbow feels to ride next story
9/6/14