Breaking Down Walls.
Twenty-Six
A L E X
Ivy had been home just over a week now and so far we had been able to keep everything quiet, It’s crazy how fast things go, I never thought not even for a second that I would be secretly dating my best friends sister, I know that if he found out it could fuck up so much but I can’t help but want her more. Everything about her makes me smile, the way she sits when she sings along to our songs, it’s like she means every word. Jack is the only one to know what’s going on and hopefully he can just keep it quiet until we are ready to tell. Right now I know that Ivy is in no position to tell anyone. We are going back to touring next week, I have no idea what Zack has decided for Ivy I really hope she’s allowed to tour with us for the 3 weeks we've missed. If she does I have no idea how we are going to hide ‘us’ we've been doing okay, I think everyone thinks I’m just being a bit more protective over her, as a best friend would but they don’t know the truth. I don’t know what I would do if she never woke up. If I never got to kiss her or hold her. Not even once, I think I would be in a horrible mess if she wasn't next to me.
Since she’s been home I've not left Zack’s house, only during the day so he could have his time with her, but as soon as 9pm comes around I’m back we are back into a routine, Everyone comes over for at least 2 hours after 9 then they leave and it’s just me Zack and Ivy, then me and Ivy will go upstairs and I will spend time with her until she falls asleep, but lately she will only sleep if I’m next to her, I've tried leaving once she’s closed her eyes but she calls me back and I can’t hold back my happiness knowing that she wants me there with her. She wants me no one else. It’s crazy. It’s about 20:30 now and I’m ready to go over to the house to see how she’s getting on, and to help her sleep.
“Mom, Dad I’m going over to Zack’s again, I’ll be home tomorrow see you”
“Bye, have a good night”
I close the door behind me and jump in my car, I think tonight we are going to talk about tour. I really hope it’s good news, I love being on a stage it’s just the feeling of people singing your songs and knowing what you feel, is how they might be feeling as well.
I V Y
Looking at the clock it’s 8:40, I know that at any point Alex will walk through the door and honestly I can’t wait today has been one of those days, where I just want it to be over. Dylan has been round, he spoke to me about what went on and about his mom he also said because of what’s been going on for him and for me he doesn't think our friendship is very healthy and he can’t be in it anymore, it broke my heart, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone and that was the first time I had cut since the hospital, Everyone thinks when you get out suddenly you are better, and you will never cut or try to again, but for me that’s not true, I’m not cured just because I've been in hospital or because I have a boyfriend. I’m ill and I have no idea when I’ll be better, I haven’t told anyone about the cutting and I probably won’t at all, I don’t see the need to shove it in people’s faces, I mean I told Zack about what Dylan said and I cried to him and he hugged me, and tried to comfort me but nothing is as good as the blade, maybe one day soon it will be but for now it’s not. I look at the time once again 20:48 which means I should probably clean up from my disaster I told Zack I was going up to have nap that was an hour ago, I haven’t slept I haven’t even closed my eyes, I've just been up here crying and thinking about Dylan. About half an hour ago was when I felt the need to do it, and when I felt that for some reason I knew I needed to, It felt like coming home after a long trip, or dying all over again. I felt me just for a second. But then the feeling went away it was washed out with sadness; the sadness of Zack seeing it or Alex, them thinking they couldn't save me from doing it, the thought that Zack would hate himself for leaving me alone or the hate that Alex could have for Zack for leaving me. But it’s not anyone’s fault but my own, and I’m happy with that.
After I’m done cleaning up my mess I hear the knock from downstairs I look over at the clock 21:03 I knew it was going to be Alex, but curiosity took over I kept thinking it might Dylan coming back to apologize and say he didn't mean any of it and he wasn't thinking straight and that he does want me in his life, but as soon as I hear Alex’s voice fill our house the same feeling hits my stomach as I fall back to my bed and let it out, I don’t understand how I’m so emotional about this, maybe because he was my first real friend for a long time, or maybe it’s because somewhere in my head I believe the words he said. I hear running up the stairs I know its Alex, Zack’s probably told him what has happened. I feel a pair of arms hold me closer, I put my head closer to him to calm down but it’s not good enough, I want to tear every part of my skin away I just want to go, now. I try to pull away from him but he doesn't let go. After 5 minutes of trying I give up and tell him I want to sit up and then whisper I’m okay, I promise.
“Do you think I’m stupid Ivy?”
“No, why would I think that”
“Well you are treating me like it, you’re trying to say that you were crying for no reason that you cut for no reason to? Is that what you are going to say?”
“I haven-“
Before I could even begin my sentence he stares at me, and pulls me a little bit closer and gently pulls up my sleeve to reveal loads of old scars and some very new looking ones, a tear lands on my hand I make sure it’s not coming from my face again, as I lift my head up I see Alex’s eyes filling up with water.
“I’m so sorry Alex, I am, I’m sorry please don’t cry, please”
I start to beg him, but he’s not having any of it.
“I’m not going to give up on you Ivy, okay? We are going to get you better I don’t care if it takes me until I die, I just want you to be okay again, I’m sorry I wasn't here, and whatever happened between you and Dylan don’t beat yourself up over it because there are far better people out there, and they will look after you as well. Just please Ivy please trust me when I say I’m here for you and I’m not letting you go again”
I had no words for Alex none at all, I wanted to push him away and run, he shouldn't have to put up with me It’s not right he should be out getting drunk, having wild parties not sat here with someone like me.
“Why are you still here Alex?” He should be getting bored of this question it’s all I've been asking him.
“I’m here because I want to be Ivy, I’m here because I care for you, I’m here because I’m your Boyfriend, I don’t want to let you go and I won’t do it, I don’t care how many people I have to fight. Just to have you”
As he said the last bit his voice broke, from the tears that were still falling from his face.
“Thank you Alex”
“You’re very welcome just please be safe, please”
“I can’t promise you anything”
He wanted the truth and there it was
Ivy had been home just over a week now and so far we had been able to keep everything quiet, It’s crazy how fast things go, I never thought not even for a second that I would be secretly dating my best friends sister, I know that if he found out it could fuck up so much but I can’t help but want her more. Everything about her makes me smile, the way she sits when she sings along to our songs, it’s like she means every word. Jack is the only one to know what’s going on and hopefully he can just keep it quiet until we are ready to tell. Right now I know that Ivy is in no position to tell anyone. We are going back to touring next week, I have no idea what Zack has decided for Ivy I really hope she’s allowed to tour with us for the 3 weeks we've missed. If she does I have no idea how we are going to hide ‘us’ we've been doing okay, I think everyone thinks I’m just being a bit more protective over her, as a best friend would but they don’t know the truth. I don’t know what I would do if she never woke up. If I never got to kiss her or hold her. Not even once, I think I would be in a horrible mess if she wasn't next to me.
Since she’s been home I've not left Zack’s house, only during the day so he could have his time with her, but as soon as 9pm comes around I’m back we are back into a routine, Everyone comes over for at least 2 hours after 9 then they leave and it’s just me Zack and Ivy, then me and Ivy will go upstairs and I will spend time with her until she falls asleep, but lately she will only sleep if I’m next to her, I've tried leaving once she’s closed her eyes but she calls me back and I can’t hold back my happiness knowing that she wants me there with her. She wants me no one else. It’s crazy. It’s about 20:30 now and I’m ready to go over to the house to see how she’s getting on, and to help her sleep.
“Mom, Dad I’m going over to Zack’s again, I’ll be home tomorrow see you”
“Bye, have a good night”
I close the door behind me and jump in my car, I think tonight we are going to talk about tour. I really hope it’s good news, I love being on a stage it’s just the feeling of people singing your songs and knowing what you feel, is how they might be feeling as well.
I V Y
Looking at the clock it’s 8:40, I know that at any point Alex will walk through the door and honestly I can’t wait today has been one of those days, where I just want it to be over. Dylan has been round, he spoke to me about what went on and about his mom he also said because of what’s been going on for him and for me he doesn't think our friendship is very healthy and he can’t be in it anymore, it broke my heart, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone and that was the first time I had cut since the hospital, Everyone thinks when you get out suddenly you are better, and you will never cut or try to again, but for me that’s not true, I’m not cured just because I've been in hospital or because I have a boyfriend. I’m ill and I have no idea when I’ll be better, I haven’t told anyone about the cutting and I probably won’t at all, I don’t see the need to shove it in people’s faces, I mean I told Zack about what Dylan said and I cried to him and he hugged me, and tried to comfort me but nothing is as good as the blade, maybe one day soon it will be but for now it’s not. I look at the time once again 20:48 which means I should probably clean up from my disaster I told Zack I was going up to have nap that was an hour ago, I haven’t slept I haven’t even closed my eyes, I've just been up here crying and thinking about Dylan. About half an hour ago was when I felt the need to do it, and when I felt that for some reason I knew I needed to, It felt like coming home after a long trip, or dying all over again. I felt me just for a second. But then the feeling went away it was washed out with sadness; the sadness of Zack seeing it or Alex, them thinking they couldn't save me from doing it, the thought that Zack would hate himself for leaving me alone or the hate that Alex could have for Zack for leaving me. But it’s not anyone’s fault but my own, and I’m happy with that.
After I’m done cleaning up my mess I hear the knock from downstairs I look over at the clock 21:03 I knew it was going to be Alex, but curiosity took over I kept thinking it might Dylan coming back to apologize and say he didn't mean any of it and he wasn't thinking straight and that he does want me in his life, but as soon as I hear Alex’s voice fill our house the same feeling hits my stomach as I fall back to my bed and let it out, I don’t understand how I’m so emotional about this, maybe because he was my first real friend for a long time, or maybe it’s because somewhere in my head I believe the words he said. I hear running up the stairs I know its Alex, Zack’s probably told him what has happened. I feel a pair of arms hold me closer, I put my head closer to him to calm down but it’s not good enough, I want to tear every part of my skin away I just want to go, now. I try to pull away from him but he doesn't let go. After 5 minutes of trying I give up and tell him I want to sit up and then whisper I’m okay, I promise.
“Do you think I’m stupid Ivy?”
“No, why would I think that”
“Well you are treating me like it, you’re trying to say that you were crying for no reason that you cut for no reason to? Is that what you are going to say?”
“I haven-“
Before I could even begin my sentence he stares at me, and pulls me a little bit closer and gently pulls up my sleeve to reveal loads of old scars and some very new looking ones, a tear lands on my hand I make sure it’s not coming from my face again, as I lift my head up I see Alex’s eyes filling up with water.
“I’m so sorry Alex, I am, I’m sorry please don’t cry, please”
I start to beg him, but he’s not having any of it.
“I’m not going to give up on you Ivy, okay? We are going to get you better I don’t care if it takes me until I die, I just want you to be okay again, I’m sorry I wasn't here, and whatever happened between you and Dylan don’t beat yourself up over it because there are far better people out there, and they will look after you as well. Just please Ivy please trust me when I say I’m here for you and I’m not letting you go again”
I had no words for Alex none at all, I wanted to push him away and run, he shouldn't have to put up with me It’s not right he should be out getting drunk, having wild parties not sat here with someone like me.
“Why are you still here Alex?” He should be getting bored of this question it’s all I've been asking him.
“I’m here because I want to be Ivy, I’m here because I care for you, I’m here because I’m your Boyfriend, I don’t want to let you go and I won’t do it, I don’t care how many people I have to fight. Just to have you”
As he said the last bit his voice broke, from the tears that were still falling from his face.
“Thank you Alex”
“You’re very welcome just please be safe, please”
“I can’t promise you anything”
He wanted the truth and there it was
Notes
Oh god, i'm so sorry it's been so long, I don't even have an explanation for it other than the fact i haven't had any motivation to carry this on part of me still wants to end it soon, but i have no idea yet. I had so many plans for this story but i didn't plan to get, bad again during writing, so for that i am sorry.
-Kay
Hops on black Pegasus of rainbow feels to ride next story
9/6/14