I peered at the clock next to me seeing it was 6am, this has become a routine, It had been a week since I had that dream, they were becoming more and more frequent and every time it happened Dylan made me call Alex, he didn’t know how to calm me down it seemed that Alex was the only one who could. I felt like a bitch for waking Alex up early hours of the morning but he always told me not to worry and that he wasn’t sleeping much anyway, I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for Dylan as well. They both had to put up with me. I had to stop doing this to them. My eating habits have become worse I now only eat 2 apples a day Dylan has noticed and tried to get me to eat but every time he succeeded I took myself off to the bathroom to cut, I had a routine if I ate I would harm myself It was like a punishment, Dylan had stopped trying to get me out of my house because I just wouldn’t do it. It was nice the first few weeks getting air but now I have to motivation to move. I don’t know what has got me here, I thought I was getting better but in fact I was just getting worse I didn’t realize someone’s head could turn on them this much, I had always heard stories about mental illness when I was in high school, one of my friends had depression she got bad with it, until one day she stopped coming to school, she stopped answering calls she never left her house. I found out a 2 years later that she had killed herself, it hit me hard but eventually I got through it, that same year I got the ‘phone call’ as I like to call it. I guess that’s why I’m so messed up. I want to be like Zack I want to be able to put it behind me but I can’t my parents were my world, everything I did was for them they pushed me to do better. Once they left I stopped trying, this depression didn’t hit me properly until now, and they say that this is a stage of grief I know that’s not right. This is my life now. It’s the way it’s always going to be. I walked into my bathroom making sure not to wake the sleeping boy next to me, I knew he had work in 2 hours, about a week ago he was offered an interview in some coffee shop and it went well so he took the job. I wanted to let him sleep as much I could. I got into the shower and look down at my body I hate it, why can’t I be thin I think to myself I then peer down to the scars that covered half of my thigh knowing that soon I was going to have no room left, I looked for somewhere else to cut for the next time I needed to. The perfect place my stomach I hated it so why not tear it to pieces like the rest of my body. When I left the shower I put on clothes for the day, although I knew I wasn’t going to be doing much, speaking to my auntie and making food for when Dylan gets back that’s what I was going to do. I think my auntie is meeting up with friends today Great more time for my thoughts to kill me I find my phone noticing I have a text from Zack

Hey Ivy, just wanted to check how everything is at home, I’ll call you later sorry if I wake you up I love you loads Ivy, be good! xxxx

I let a few tears drip onto the screen, I wish everything was okay.

Everything is cool here Zack, how’s tour been going? You didn’t wake me up I was awake anyway I love you loads to, always brother

At least if I text him he won’t here the pain in my voice. I just want it to be okay again, I really do. I just don’t know how to get there.

---

It soon turns to 8 am Dylan had been up for about 20 minutes he needs to leave soon, I had made him breakfast and a coffee I knew that soon I would be alone until my Auntie got up then soon after she would leave to.Just like everyone else will eventually Ivy, they will see you like this and everyone will leave, including your brother. You’re weak, fat and full of scars The voice in my head sings out to me, They are getting stronger again, I don’t know why I cut last night they promised they would leave me alone, they lied to me.
I see Dylan just staring at me.

---

“Can I help you?”
“Ivy why aren’t you eating anything?”
“I uh, already ate before you got up” I quickly think up a lie, I knew he wouldn’t believe it but it’s worth a try right?
“And why do I feel you’re lying to me?”
“Because you always think I’m lying to you, you never believe anything I say”
“That’s because you never tell me the truth Ivy, what else do you expect”
“I’m starting to wonder why I ever invited you to stay in this house. I never asked you to walk into my life, you just won’t leave will you? Why are you bothering to look after me? I don’t want you to, I don’t care for you, stop caring for me”
It was harsh but I didn’t care he needed to be told.
“I give up with you Ivy, I have tried and tried to help you but I don’t know what else you want from me. But don’t worry I’ll be out of your hands soon, mom is coming back next week. Then I’ll be gone.”
“Good, I can’t fucking wait”
I ran straight upstairs and on to my bed, I sat there with no emotions I wanted to cry, but I knew it was no use I ran out of tears last night, I couldn’t cry, I was numb. I heard the door shut which means Dylan has gone. He didn’t even come to see how I was, he was right he’s tried so hard to help me. But it doesn’t work. Nothing works. I hear my phone buzz telling me that someone is trying to text me, someone is trying to care. I look to see it was Zack again

Hey we have a surprise for you today, look forward to it! Hopefully you like it and btw Alex said to call him! Love ya xx

Oh gosh, the surprise has been playing on my mind since Alex mentioned it last week, he has said nothing about it since, but I was worried. I didn’t want to go, I knew they were probably planning something outside of these walls the thought scared me. Not wanting to think anymore, I dial Alex’s number wondering what he wants.

---

“Hiiiiiii Ivy, how are you today dear?”
“Yeah I’m doing good Alex yourself?”
“Yeah I’m okay, bit bored we have most of the day off today so it’s good but it also sucks because there is nothing to do”
“Ahh that doesn’t sound too good, anyway what did you want?”
“Are you excited to get your surprise today?”
“Not at all, you lot know I hate them can I know what it pleaseeee lexyyy”
“No, I just wanted to wind you up about it, it’s more fun this way, stop calling me lexy”
“But Alex you’re supposed to be my best friend and you don’t tell me shit and I’ll call you whatever I feel like”
“I do tell you everything but this is something I have been made to keep shut about, You can call me anything but I don’t want to get called that!”
“But why? Hey! That’s a good nickname”
“Because the surprise is just too good! I’m going to leave you to it now, considering Jack is shouting at me to play some lame ass games, bye Ivy and think of a new one.”
“Whatever, I hate you bye”

---

After I hung up on Alex I went downstairs to see my Auntie getting ready to leave I look at the clock seeing it’s now 9am. Great Dylan doesn’t get home till 4, and I would be shocked if he even came back here after the way I treated him I’m a horrible person.
“Hey Ivy, I’m off out to meet the girls I’ll be back at 5 see you later, have a good day love you”
“Okay bye love you too”

My auntie was always good to me, she never let me down I don’t spend much time with my uncle he works early and comes home late, I wish it was easier for my auntie she’s such a lovely person but she never sees her husband, I don’t know how she does it I don’t think I could spend my life loving someone who you hardly ever see it would suck, I look at the door and notice that she’s already left, I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself today but I decided to text Rian I haven’t spoken to him in ages and I do really miss him.

Hey Ri, I miss you! How are you? And how is tour going, getting fed up with the guys yet?

---

It’s now 3 and I haven’t done anything but let my head take over me today, I haven’t even eaten an apple, I’ve just drunk water every time my stomach screams out for food. Rian never bothered to text me back, probably because like everyone else he doesn't care I’ve gotten use to the voice in my head today, it’s been getting worse, stronger and a lot louder Ivy you’re worthless, what are you still breathing for, you’re useless. No one likes or cares for you this one really gets to me, it’s never asked why I’m still breathing, I know it wants me dead. But it’s never said that I should stop. I can see why it would want me to, I’m nothing after all. This is what happens when I get left alone my voice can be horrible, I have nothing else to take it away. Why don’t you go join your parents, just die At least this one was a bit more intriguing I would love to see my parents, dying sounds perfect, there’s so many ways I could do this See you’re actually thinking about it now. Worthless piece of shit I’ve had this all day, I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t I run to my room to find the blade but it’s nowhere to be seen I know I put it in the back of the cupboard, I start crying now, I need that blade I pull the entire contents out of the cupboard but nothing not blade not even a razor. I look down at my hand to see that I had a bottle of pills, where the fuck did these come from, they’re not mine. Maybe the doctor gave Dylan some I read on the bottle ‘Sleeping pills’. I dare you Ivy another voice says in my head. I take a hand full, Do it go on

Notes

So things just got real i guess.

What does she do?
Does she take the pills or does something else happen?
What do you think the boys surprise is?
why didn't Rian answer her?

-Kay

Outfit